Just be honest

Since my wife's car accident a few years back I have taken over most of the household chores, I guess because she is bored working from home because of the virus she decided to do some cleaning. I was eating dinner and my wife told me that she was cleaning and she couldn't believe that I have my fem stuff everywhere. There's even fem stuff mixed up with my male stuff and she pointed out that she believed I have more fem stuff then male things. I guess her not cleaning for so long she didn't notice my stuff, and noted I have brand new stuff for a life time. She then told me that from the first day I told her that she was very supportive and she never tried to figure it out and that all she knew was that I always had a big smile when I was dressed and that's all she wants from her family is to be happy. But she now asked me to be honest about something, she asked me why I wasn't wearing the pantyhose that I had put on the top shelve, what am I saving them for. She pointed out that those are all my favourite ones, the vintage stockings that I went crazy looking for and so many more for a life time. She asked me why I wear the cheapest pair and mean while I have all those beautiful ones there. She couldn't explain why so much of everything, so many bras, panties and why I always ask her for more. She reminded me of my age and told me that I'm not old but how much longer do I plan to live and why not enjoy the stuff I love instead of watching it sit on the shelf. Her big question again was that up to now she believes that I have been very honest with her about the dressing and she hasn't tried to figure it out but she can't figure out why I wouldn't want to wear the things I love the most and what do I have planned for the future and all the stuff I'm saving. Not really answering because I honestly don't know why, she started making some assumptions, like do I want to maybe one day go out dressed to a bar or maybe join a social club and I'm saving my best things for when I plan to burst out. I told her that I will try to answer her because it's the second time she mentioned this and I don't want her to get any false ideas that may discourage her about the dressing. I told her that I really don't look at tomorrow when it comes to my dressing, I take it one step at a time and I know things could change really fast in either direction. I told her I really honestly don't know, maybe I don't want to ruin my favourite stuff, maybe it feels like a waste wearing nice stuff and nowhere to go or maybe I don't believe I found a wife who buys me all this and I don't want to take it for granted. I told her I really don't know all I know is I want more and I can't throw anything out. I really don't have any plans of walking out that door dressed as a women and maybe one day a bar or club, who knows maybe, I can't say I never thought of it. She told me that maybe I should wear my nicer stuff when I go for my Friday night drives, and she would feel really bad if for whatever reason I never do get the chance to wear that stuff because she knows what I went though to get her to buy it for me. I told her I was very sorry if I didn't give her an answer she was hoping for but I am being very honest with her and I appreciate that she talks to me about it and doesn't fabricate things and I believe to communicate is very important . She had this not so convinced look but was kind of happy with it and told me she wants me to start wearing some of the stuff and that I could talk to her about anything and not to hold back. I honestly don't know why I want more, and why I don't want to wear my favourite stuff. I guess maybe I'm a horder or just don't want to ruin them. I don't know? Any suggestions from my friends here or anyone walking in my shoes? Thanks for listening

Hi Maria

I think it is hard to accept that you aren't going to live forever. Especially in our culture that is all about staying young.
My wife passed after a really horrible year so I certainly have my own perspective on this issue.

Marion

I have more of everything fem than I will ever wear out. One of my problems is that buying is so much fun. I like to shop and have the money. We shop together and with friends that know. My wife has a lot of clothes, but she can't figure why I usually wear the same things. She and the girls buy things and donate clothes all the time.

You are the embodiment of a solution in search of a problem. God bless your wife.

That is classic hoarding. Why buy stuff you will never use?

I have a hord of stuff but I think back and the last time I bought anything to wear was about 2018. I have never worn anything so much that they were worn out and had to be trashed. My room has a trash can but only wrapping and plastic bags have been put into it.
Now it doesn't mean that I have new things, It is just that DarkAnGGel keeps me stocked. After each visit to her place or when she comes down I end up with more close and make-up items.
She is of the mind if makeup is over 6 months old it needs to be replaced because it has expired. Some of my Guy stuff is still wearable and is over 30 years old. I rotate my stuff with the seasons. I leave the house in a dress about once a month for 3 days.
Maria 60, un like you I do not have a wife anymore. Not since 2000.

Maria,

Perhaps it's time you had a sit down either alone or with your SO and gave some thought to the future. I don't want this to become yet another, "Go on, get out there, what's stopping you" posts but I will reiterate that for me at least one of the driving forces that took me out into the RW was the notion I would be on my death bed wishing I'd just........

Now I'm not saying just because you have all these lovely things that's a reason to necessarily go out. Given however you're partway there in your evening drives there is a certain logic to at least increase the frequency.

You have a SO who is both supportive and intuitive. She can see the illogical nature of having so many nice things and not putting them to good use.

Perhaps now's the time to explore possible futures with your SO. After all, she started the debate so why not develop and fully explore it while it remains current.

Actually your situation is pretty nice. You have a supportive wife, even though she doesn't understand. It appears to me she wants to understand more and realizes the behavior makes you feel good and happy.

I don't know if what you do is officially hoarding, but it must be close. Hoarders usually connect what they collect with certain events - it is like a diary of their life kept in things that were collected along the way. Going through their belongings is a way to remember past events that were important. I don't really see that in your description, but it is along those lines.

I think you should start wearing those things and consult your wife about them. It is a good way to increase communication about this and so long as she wants to know more help her along - it will likely be beneficial in the long run. Keep in mind that to cisgender people our behavior is quite mysterious. Many do not want to see it, participate in any way, or support that which they consider to be weird. That attitude is changing but it is more a "let them be" type of thing than "I understand now and it is OK" kind of thing. By letting her become involved to the extent that she wants to be will increase her understanding of what makes this part of you tick.

I had a big long loquacious post and got timed out again! Rats! Anyway, the short answer may be "retail therapy" caused by Maria self limiting her activities. I under she has a supportive wife. That's great. My wife is not and it is "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Yes, I too have way too many clothes that I will never wear out. Maria goes for drives. I do too and do go for evening strolls when the opportunity arises. It appears we, as many cross dressers, are self limiting ourselves which creates a mental void that needs to be filled. "Retail therapy" fills that void. My wife has issues which she will not address. Her "retail therapy" is amassing fabric with the good intentions of sewing for kids and grandkids. What Maria does, like me, is not hoarding. Hoarding by definition is something else.

If I had a supportive wife who would fully engage in my cross dressing I would love to be able to don a pretty dress, heels and hosiery, and, prepare a nice dinner together with both of us looking our best.

PS: According to a psychologist all this buying of toilet paper in bulk quantities is also "retail therapy." People are not in control of their lives due to the coronavirus. Toilet paper, especially the bigger the better (Costco) size, gives them a sense of control they really do not have.

Sounds like just wearing the stuff solves the problem! Nice problem to have. It doesn't make any sense to wear really nice and expensive stuff just to stay in the house, but that's your thing so you should just do it.

Maria,
In feel your wife is one step ahead of you , she's possibly expecting more than just your Friday night drive , from a woman's point of view shes' talking sense about your best items .

While Helen says she's not urging you out the door , I feel you need to make that decision and do more than just driving round because at the moment I see your dressing is out of balance . You're livinhg with an image of a woman on a pedestal and not in the RW , she doesn't just have a closet full of pretty clothes and exotic underwear , I certainly don't have the number of items you have and I go out everyday .

I feel you are very lucky getting away with replying " I don't know !" to some of her questions , I knew it wouldn't wash with my wife so it really is time to sit down and think things through and have the honest talk with your wife .

My thought... you may well be holding back, partly because you are unsure what you want and at the same time, out of respect and affection for your wife.

She has a good point...why have all these things if they go unused, and I think her deeper message is why not allow yourself to express and enjoy this part of yourself more fully. That sounds like an invitation and encouragement. From earlier posts, I gather that not only your wife but her sister and mother appreciate this part of you...and each in their way has been offering similar encouragement.

So, ask your wife to help you loosen up your self imposed constraints. Plan time each week together to realize your transformation into a woman and enjoy that time together at home, out for a drive and perhaps when this isolation is over, out for dinner or some other shared activity. Maybe someday, if you both feel right, you can share with her family and really feel free.

Have you considered something other than just driving around? Is it possible to dress pretty as possible and visit sister or mother? If not, how about having a Friday or Saturday dress up and enjoy home life? It almost sounds like you have to dress overly female style because not able to dress enough during the week. It doesn't sound like you are dressing enough at home. Just a thought

Yes, this is hoarding. Do not become like my parents? neighbor, the king of hoarders. His whole house was stacked to the rafters with stuff. His backyard was stacked high and deep with junk. The stinging nettles got established and overflowed into my Dad?s garden. This neighbor had family but they were all on the opposite coast and had no interest in dealing with his madness. My brother, a civil engineer, commented that when this quite elderly neighbor dies, he will buy the place fairly cheap and rent a bulldozer to create a DIY landfill, house, yard, and all. This would be great fun, save his family and the city a big headache, so my brother claimed tongue firmly implanted in cheek, and it would give archaeologists a lot of grist for several conference papers a few hundred years hence. Beware, my hoarder friend. It can sneak up on you!

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

I had a big long loquacious post and got timed out again!

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- L.

hello Maria,
I was taught when young by parents that some things are "best" - as in Sunday Best, best cutlery, best whiskey, best clothes...
I do not seem to break out of that - so I have my best women's clothes that I never wear.
luv J

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jacques

some things are "best" - as in Sunday Best, best cutlery, best whiskey, best clothes...
luv J

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I feel like that too Jacques. I keep my new or favourite clothes for best. Once I've worn a tie or even a suit for work, it's immediately on my mental"no longer best" list and it never gets worn again in my own time (except perhaps for decorating or some other sacrificial cause).
As for my girl's clothing, that's all "best."

In my opinion, it is NOT hoarding. Have any of you seen the hoarding shows? When you have aisles through your stuff, that is hoarding, you have bags of rotting garbage sitting in your house, that is hoarding, heaps and heaps of clothes, stuff, and crap, that is hoarding. I'm not sure what label I would give it, but not hoarding.

I applaud you for being honest with your wife. So many people say they can't be honest because they don't know why they do what they do. At least you are being as honest as you can. Good for you.

I don't know why you buy stuff, don't wear it, and want to buy more. I know now why I did that too once upon a time. It came in very handy when I finally accepted what was going on and I transitioned. Once I did that, and then looked at the wardrobe I had acquired and realized I had my entire professional work wardrobe already completed, that was when I understood why I was doing what I was doing.

Not to imply that is why you are doing it. We all do what we do, because of why we personally do it, though sometimes that reason is hidden from even ourselves.

Maria I read this as a love story between two people who love each other. Connie

Maria,
'Just being honest' happens at so many levels- and the more of ourselves we explore, the more honest we are. As others have said here, it is a definite fact that if we are limiting IRL our natural inclinations to behaviors and feelings, the driving force seeks to get out anyway- as fantasy, as fetish, as ritual, as a story we tell ourselves and one we tell others. I shop because it is something that viscerally embodies my desire and is less complicated, but gets to many of the same needs, as going out. I have so many clothes now but, I also can look at them and visualize myself in them in situations, or choose to wear them for a little while and then change and try another one- it is is a practical way to get maybe 20% of the value of wearing the dress out somewhere. But I am comforted to have found that when out all day, I only pay attention to my dress maybe 30% of the time, anyway, so it is not a bad tradeoff! Women everywhere have clothes that they wish they had time and place to enjoy, and we are no exception.

But - your wife obviously feels that you are not fully expressing herself, and that is a gentle way of encouraging you to do more- to enjoy what she understands is the actuality of wearing the prettiest things you have. So absolutely she is signaling that she is with you and wants to see what arises as you take her hand. Life is short for her too and she doesn't want to die wondering why you never wore the pantyhose she knew you loved and that she bought for you.

Being real is messy compared to leaving our fantasies on the shelf. Panties are pure iconic symbols until, as every woman knows, body oils and urine and mucus and blood find their way into them during the day. She wants you to know what IRL is for women and their special clothes, so go there with her. I find that it is more deeply satisfying to be a real sweating woman in a dress than an imaginary woman. I feel my place as a woman more fully and peacefully, a truer understanding of the difference between the feminine image and the reality. It is the understanding that females have.