An ex-wife's long over due explanation of why she left me.

Recently my ex wife contracted a sever form of Cancer, that seems to be responding well to treatment.

However; it scarred her enough that when I went out to California to attend our daughters wedding my ex arranged for us to have dinner together so that she could talk to me.

What you should know is that during our marriage crossdressing was not really an issue. It had all the usual hiccups at the beginning, but truth be told my ex seemed to find it exciting. She only got mad when I bought myself a new outfit and she didn't get one!

We were married for 14 years and never really had any serious problems till work took me out of state and away from her Mom. All three of her children moved out of state in the same year and she moaned and groaned till all three split up with their respective spouses and moved back home. At the time she also had the ex go into narcotics anonymous, which I thought was a good thing. It was there that she met the man ( who was a friend of her Moms) who broke up our family for good. He was incapable of having children and wanted to find a "ready made one". These are the facts that we all agree on. One year into trying to decide who she was going to be with she out of the blue told me "You are a great father, a great husband and lover, and I do love you. I just love him more". And that was it.

Fast forward 23 years, our baby is getting married and she had a brush with possible death, and we sit down for dinner.

I had no idea what she wanted to talk about. She knew I had lived as a woman 24/7 for a number of years, and about 3/4 time for another 10 years.

This is what she said: " Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. When I got home I went and partied with my friends and came home drunk one night and told Mom about Michelle. Just the once, but it was enough. She told me in no uncertain terms that my marriage was over and I was to find a "real man". She introduced me to James, who very strongly resembled my step father. It was fun at first. I had given up drugs but the high I felt when I was "falling in love" with him replaced getting high with pot or alcohol. I knew I was not in the right place in my recovery to begin a relationship but he kept paying attention to me and my Mom kept pushing us together. When you came out to get the family together, I was split. I loved you but he made me FEEL like I was young and single again. Mom and Dad were on his side, but my sister and brother were on yours. ( to this day friends of mine). Eventually I chased you away and back to Ohio so that "I could breath and think" . In reality so that I did not have the guilt of you being around. ( there is more of this but to the point of this forum): ......and I really missed Michelle. She was my best friend. The only woman who never judged me for my past or sexual desires. The only woman who could never judge me. When I heard that "he" had serious girlfriend, it bothered me; alot, but not enough to matter. When I heard that Michelle was in a relationship with a man I flew into a furious rage that lasted months. No one could understand why I was mad all the time. The truth was Michelle was MY WIFE, and I had never divorced her. I only talked to her a couple of times after that I was so hurt and let down that she would cheat on me with a man. Then I would think of silly that sounded. It didn't help that my husband only had sex with me twice a year on our anniversary and my birthday...for two to three minutes...if I was lucky. While I KNEW just KNEW that she was getting it every night. Just like we did. For years I hated both of you. I know you never knew why I was always mad at you two. Partially it was because every time I saw you I was reminded of the life I had to give up for my loser husband that I dont' love and haven't loved in years. But mostly because seeing you reminded me of losing Michelle who was my soulmate. I was ready to leave my husband for her and you when I called her and found out she was living with a man. That call broke my heart. And it only started to get dull recently when I thought I was going to die. At this point in my life I have to settle for my husband. He's not going anywhere and there is security of a sort even if there is no love or real happiness."

I have no idea how I feel about this. Other than we both agreed that if her Mom had stayed out of our lives we would both be married still. We did spend a day together, meaning Michelle and her. It was very nice, very nice. Her husband got pissed, but neither one of us cared.

And there you have it. A supportive wife who left not because she wanted to but because she outed me to her Mom and let other people decide her happiness.

Btw no one on her side has ever mentioned that they knew about Michelle. And I sat with them at the rehersal dinner. Her Dad and Mom both told me that the leaving me was the worse thing she ever did. Without of course mentioning her part in it!

Bugger
It's a control issue. Mums control is more important than anyones happiness.
Happens far too often, happens with emotional blackmail, happens with "will" adjustments, happens with gifts.
I hope anyone with this issue, walks away from their parents.

Decisions good or bad are just that. Congrads to your ex and you at least talking. It ok for her to regret but do not let play with your head and lean on you once again. Like a Captain searching for the light house after loosing their way.

Michelle,

As a parent it always dissapoints me if my kids take serious decisions without seeking advice of mom and dad.

We have the benefit of experience, of hindsight to call upon. However, all we can offer is advice. It's not instructions, a rule to be obeyed. At the end of the day it's down to them to make a choice, it's their life.

This it seems is where your ex went wrong. Bowing to parental pressure and in this case a seeming highly manipulative person in the shape of your mother in law. For her own selfish needs she destroyed not just your marriage but that of her grandchildren. I'm afraid she and I would have had words, strong words especially after this current revelation.

Question, if your ex knows it was such a mistake why does she still persist with her current relationship? Reconciliation out of the question?

Michelle, What a story. Your ex sounds like she really has taken account of her life and loss of you.

I just find it so sad when this happens.

I hope her words bring you some closure. The bottom line is: decisions have consecuences. She decided to push you away. God bless her and good luck. You seem to be doing well for yourself. That is wonderful. It's tempting to want to get caught up in "what could have been". Don't make that mistake.

Michelle....its a bittersweet story that doesn't have that happy ending that many people long for. I'm sure that it was good for you to hear the real reason why your wife left, how she misses you and Michelle, and most importantly, that she made a huge mistake. Leaving the mother in law out of it for a moment, your wife has known i'm sure for many years who she really wanted to be with, but once she pushed you away and replaced you with someone else, things were just never the same anymore. It is good that you are still able to get together for the kids, and more importantly, for yourself. Its the wonder and hurt that i'm sure you buried deep down but it was always there, peeking out every once in a while, and now to have that taken off your shoulders is that bittersweet moment that I am referring to.

Hopefully the two of you can have some sort of relationship ...you both were together for what it seems to be quite a while, thru all your ups and downs, and your ex's view on staying with "security" at this point has probably been the one thing that has kept her going all these years. By that I mean that she would rationalize out in her mind that she has the stable security that she "needs" and her mother wants for her, so she willl make up for all her indiscretions with her mom and stay in the current relationship. Parents can affect children both in a good way and bad, and once you cross into that bad zone, there is usually no coming back because its imprinted into ones mindset.

It sounds like you have been moving along at your own pace, not someone else and that is really nice....you should be proud of yourself!

Honestly with a mother inlaw that controlling. Even a perfect "straight and vanilla" marriage would be doomed once you crossed her or she felt like she was losing too much control of her daughter.

The part about your sisters inlaw leaving their spouses because of the mother's influence pretty much sums it up, there's nothing you could have done.

My wife has a phrase which seems to covers situations like your ex wife experienced. She calls it "a come to Jesus talk." Something happens which causes a person to reflect upon their life. Then the person seeks to make amends. Happy she cleared the air as to what was going through her mind. Maybe, your marriage would have been saved, if it was not for your former mother-in-law.

Unfortunately, some people by their very existence are toxic to others. I have to agree with Robert (#9). My wife and I had a similar experience with my mother.

What a soap opera, Michelle! No one could make up a story as convoluted as this! The only thing I would have liked to know is more about your new girlfriend and Michelle's new boyfriend! :straightface:

But, u obviously prefer to keep some secrets!:heehee:

Your story pointed out to me how different women can be than men! And, how even the best relationships can get old after the years build up!:sad:

My first wife listened to all her girl friends; GET DIVORCED.
Well she did, and later she hated that she did it; but it was to late.
People should learn to run there own lives, and not listen to others trying
to run there lives for them.
Rader

Hi Michelle :hugs:, Just be careful around her that you don't get sucked back into something bad again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid ..o:daydreaming:o..

That's quite a story. It must have been good for you to hear it. My story has some similarities, less the apology.

I've heard from my ex and my sister so much back story to what was going on surrounding me that I was largely unaware of. Lots of people knew without me knowing they did. Lots of people expressed opinions and asked questions that I was unaware of. I bet that's true for a lot of us. My wife and I had such a hard time talking about it that she just absorbed a lot of this without it ever getting to me. She also pretty freely shared what I considered secrets. I had no idea. But, it does make some things fall into place now that I know.

Some of the things that were freely discussed about me behind my back are truly stunning. Not bad things, necessarily. It has just been surprising to find out how widely known it was and how often and how freely it was talked about. I never knew.

I suspect that those of you who think that your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, co-worker, hairdresser, etc. keeps this a closely held secret, you're delusional. I was.

It sucks when other people inter like this. I guess better to hear it now than never though. And totally agree with robertacd that it seems like this is just a toxic mother in law who would do this over anyone who didn't fit in the box she wanted for a son in law.

Ah. That's a sad story for all of you. I am sorry you had to experience that. It is frustrating when inside we know things could be good if people would be honest with each other, and draw a ring around the relationship/marriage and not let others take away from that, and let the couple work things out on their own. Take good care of yourself and your family.