On the evolution of a friendship and acceptance.
This last spring I'm at the Airport with my eldest Steph and my two grandchildren. We are waiting for my oldest gal pal Tracy. Steph found out about it and invited herself along....
Tracy and I go way back to elementary school. We were both Army brats and were fortunate enough that both our fathers finished their careers at the Presidio. In High School we each had a crush on the other. It never went anywhere due to bad timing. After graduation we both ended following our fathers into the Army and lost touch. We ended up reconnecting at our 10 year High School reunion. By that time we both had daughters, and we would exchange Christmas and birthday cards; with the occasional phone call.
My daughter and her mother can't stand each other. When I went to the Gulf in 90/1 Steph was so hurt she ran away from home...when she was 8. After much anguish she ended up staying with "Aunt Tracy" till I returned. And repeated this at 17 when I went to Afghanistan the first time. Needless to say she and Tracy are close, as well being close to Tracy's daughter Tiff.
Steph knows all about "me" and in fact calls me "Mom" and her children call me "Grandma". Her kids get dropped off by the bus after school at my shop till she gets off work, and have really only known "me". Steph early on told me it was alright with her if I wanted to be "me" in front of the kids, as long as I didn't confuse the kids by changing back and forth. They even call my husband "Grandpa".
You see when I picked up Tracy it was as "me" Michelle and not as Mike. It was to be the first time that Tracy had ever seen me "in the flesh"; as opposed to pics.
I'd come out to Tracy close to 20 years ago using the time honored "Halloween costume" pics. After a buuuuunch of questions we ended talking a lot more and actually became closer. In fact we became each others best "platonic" friend. There isn't anything I don't know about her...and her husband, and children. And she can say the same about me. Roughly 15 years ago we both got myspace accounts. Mine was the first in my own name, rather than Mike's. That evolved to my own email, facebook and even separate cell phones. It has probably been 10 years since she has even talked to Mike.
I'm standing there a bit nervous and then I see her and she waves and.....there's Tiff and her kids. OK...what do I do now? How did I get this so horribly wrong? As I'm wondering what to do, Tracy comes up and gives me a huge hug and Steph and Tiff hug. Then it hit me. Steph had told me she was meeting me at the Airport instead of driving in with me....and she has her van. I turn to Steph when Tiff gives me a big hug and says "Hi Aunt Michelle!" and introduces her kids to me.
Tracy and I get in my Car and Steph and Tiff get in her van. Once in the car Tracy starts to laugh and can't control herself. "You should have seen the look on your face. Did you really think Tiff didn't know? I mean Steph and her are on facebook and Steph is always posting pics of her kids with you...Grandma. And Tiff KNOWS Robin. So, who did you think, she thought you were?
We spend spring break showing them around and having fun. Finally on the last weekend, Tiff and her kids are with Steph and her kids. Leaving Tracy and I alone at my house.
I ask her the question that I had never seriously considered but had had in the back of my mind; for a long time: "Did you ever think about the two of us ever getting together?"
She reached across the table and took my hands in hers; saying "I want you to listen to everything I have to say, and I don't want you to interrupt me, because I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When you first came out to me I admit that my first reaction was that I dodged a bullet not marrying you. Of course I was married to Greg, and you remember how he used to beat me. There WERE times that I would get mad at myself for preferring an abusive husband to a nice kind guy who just liked to wear makeup. But there was no way, that I was going to take a chance on being embarrassed with my family and friends 'when they found out'.
When we got you your myspace account, and we could IM each other without me seeing Mikes face, it made a huge difference. It wasn't long till I stopped thinking of you as Mike/Michelle. It became Michelle/Mike. Then finally just Michelle. I remember the moment it hit me that I thought of you as two different people. I was discussing something you had said with your (bio) sister Jan and she looked at me like I was crazy and said "who the hell is Michelle?'. It was a good thing I was able to backpedal and say I got confused because you both had the same last name.
When I broke up with Greg, it was you that held my hand and talked to me for hours every night. And I admit, I started to think that maybe I could be with you. But the reality of the families, our kids, where we would live all became too much. However; I was no longer thinking of you as a dodged bullet. Rather I was looking at you as someone that I personally think I could be with, but was not ready to deal with our friends and family. I also knew I was not going to change you. I didn't WANT to change you. You were my sister, my best friend. The one person who knew everything about me, and never judged me. I still knew I couldn't be with you because of your lifestyle. Though there were times I wanted to take you out of your crazy lifestyle!
Over the last few years with Kevin, you have been my rock. When Kevin and I had problems; you were always there for me. Now; when we are in our fifties, I do think I could be with you. Did you know that Tiff has been referring to you as "Aunt Michelle" for years now? Or that she jokes about how when our husbands pass and we are old ladies that we will probably live together ala "the Golden Girls". She firmly believes that.
I've arrived at a time in my life where I realize that the important things are not what others think about me or those I love, rather what I think about those I love. So, yes, if we were both single I would want to give it a try.
But neither one of us is the type to leave our husbands for another person. We are both too loyal for that. I'm not talking about your little one nighters. I'm talking about your relationship. Sure, you have left John, but you have never left him for another person. You have always left him because of a defect in your marriage.
Twenty years ago when we were in our 30s; never did I think we could ever be more than friends. Yet, now I don't know what I would do without you in my life."
We hugged and never said another word about it.
The next day at the Airport Tiff gave me a hug and promised that she had been very careful and had not posted any pics on her page with me in the background. My youngest daughter is also a friend of hers. Steph has two facebook accounts, just like I do. One for her and I and my friends. And one for the rest of the family. Apparently Tiff had been wanting to come out for years and visit Steph, but had just not known how to handle me. Now that the ice is broken both Tiff and Tracy plan to make future trips.
A post script: I have been accused of presenting too happy a view on Crossdressing and being Trans.
We, as a community, have our own problems and more than enough pain to go around. Our relationships and our interactions with society can be very difficult and painful. I am not immune to this.
I have been raped, beaten, drugged, embarrassed, ridiculed, belittled and a host of other negative things.
HOWEVER; I have survived, and thrived and risen above it. I tend to focus on the positive and put the negative behind me.
WE have all seen a "bijillion" post on the negative side of our culture/society of trans/cd ect. And to those who moan when I show that there can be happiness and love, I make no apologies.
Love
Michelle
