A "What if" daydream

The following is true anecdotal thoughts about me and my life. The contents are intentionally somewhat vague "to protect the innocent" but are true to the best of my decades of recollection. If it should not be posted here, please move it to the appropriate place. If no such place exists in this forum, please delete it.

I am sure that everyone has seen the posts on social media that go something like "Which would you choose, $10 million cash or be 10 years old and know what you know now?"* Well it is these kinds of posts that make me think even more about "What if?"

I am going to discount the idea that by knowing the lottery numbers, Super Bowl winners, etc., you could go back and make the fortune and have both.* For the sake of this rambling, I am not going to let that play into the decision and will assume that by changing anything in the past it would have the butterfly effect causing a completely different timeline making that type of knowledge not guaranteed.* So, here is how I would answer the question (at least today and I believe most of the time with regard to my heart's desires).

First, a bit of background so that you will, hopefully, understand my decision with regard to the question at hand.* Although I am not unhappy with my life and present circumstances, having the opportunity for a "Do over" would present me with a somewhat unique opportunity.** You see, I consider myself* to be a trans-female; but, am continuing to live my life in male mode due to choices I have made and the resulting commitments which I will fully honor.* Like I said, I am mostly happy with my life and I love my family; thus I am content to forego some of my own happiness and will continue on into the foreseeable future without pursuing my desire to transition and become 100%* my feminine self.

So, "Which would I choose, $10 million cash or be 10 years old and know what you know now?"

After weighing the pros and cons as they are relevant to me, I feel like I would choose the "Do-over".* The biggest factor being that other than the buying power of the money, having the money doesn't change my situation much at all.* I would still be where I am today and would still have all of the things that keep me in my current male role and couldn't change that without the big risk of losing what I have and losing/hurting those that I dearly love.

Here is how I see the "do-over" playing out.

I started questioning my assigned-male-at-birth (AMAB) gender well before my teen years.* I don't remember exactly when, but I know it was at least at or before the age of 10.* Growing up in the '70s didn't afford me access to all of the information that is available at our fingertips in today in the age of the internet.* So, I really didn't have a good understanding of myself until I was in college and beyond.* Even then, being transgender was not a well known or accepted thing and those of us who were AMAB were pressed and groomed into masculine roles (especially in the rural areas where I grew up).* And because of this pressure and my lack of understanding my true self, I attempted to bury these things and live "the way boys are supposed to be."* I really wasn't successful at completely suppressing my feminine side.*

As is common with boys with older sisters, my sisters "dressed me up" in girls clothes which further ignited my gender disphoria and started me on life-long love of expressing my female image through crossdressing.* I would admire and be gealous my older sisters with the way they were able to dress and continually wish that I could be their little sister.* I often would secretly borrow their clothes and spend a few moments as a girl as often as I dared.* This usually occurred at night when I could be alone in my room or other times when I had privacy around the house.
When I got to about 11 or 12 years old, I even began to underdress on occasion (even to school).* This brings me, for purposes of this rambling, to my moment of truth and the initial do-over.*

I am estimating that this moment came at about 12 years old.* One night. When everyone was in bed and asleep, I had dressed in a one-piece swimsuit that I had borrowed from my sister.* As was my usual practice, I was fully tucked and had the cups padded to an appropriate adolescent size.* I had quietly gone into another room in the house and was headed back to my room when to my surprise I was discovered by my adopted mother.* Yes, I did not live with my bjirth mother as my parents divorced when I was very young (this becomes more relevant as I go on with this story). She sat me down in the living room on the sofa to have a chat with me still in my fem attire.* Long story short, she (with her usual scowl on her face) ended up asking me what I was doing and if I was gay.* Of course me knowing what answer was acceptable and fearing her reaction at the truth, my answer was of course I wasn't gay and I was just fooling around.* She sent me to my room to change and then was back to bed.* No follow on discussions were ever had and I continued my closeted behavior throughout school and college.* Looking back, I am pretty sure that it was a more of a "don't ask - don't tell" thing but in any way it was never further discussed.* Once I moved out on my own my feminine expression continued and grew to include occasional forays out into the world; but I was always closeted and afraid that if discovered that I would be an outcast to society because boys were supposed to grow up to be men.

Had I had the knowledge that I have now, I would ha e known that this would be with me for life.* So, my do-over would be to have come clean to my parents and family.* With the knowledge, I feel like we all could have been educated and I could have been accepted as my true feminine persona and would have been able to transition at a pre-puberty age to grow up as a young lady and experience all of the wonderful things that I have unfortunately missed.* In this fantasy timeline, I could have been a girl through high school.* I could have experienced homecomings, proms, and all the things that go along with feminine teenage years.* I could have attended college as a young lady and pursued my career as a such.* I dream that I would have had just as wonderful life as I have had in my male role but without the masquerade of not being truly myself.

Now had my adopted parents not fully accepted me, I did still have a long-distance relationship with my birth mother.* I have LGBT cousins on my birth mother's side of the family; so I am confident that my feminine side would have been accepted there.* I had actually gone to visit her and family after high school graduation.* Had I known what I know now, I could have stayed there and begun my transition at that time and through college; but, again, i was deeply closeted and fearful of rejection.

I will not go any further with this daydream of how things could have been; but if it really were possible to make the choice, I would certainly be willing to take that chance.

No matter the difference of being a man or woman I'd take the 10 million and get caught up on bills! And let's be real, you want to be 10 years old again in THIS world? I'm in my mid 60's and believe it or not I am thankful that I won't be around when the world, especially the United States slips into MAD MAX Thunderdome world! You want to live through that misery? Not me!

I read your post and have to agree somewhat with Shiny. However, let me approach the "what if" and "do-over" aspect of your post. I'm 74. My mind does toss around what I have accomplished. Choices made and not made. Sure, there are many choices I could have made, but choose to do the other side of the coin. In my male world I feel I did what I wanted to do.

As to the Stephanie side, I sure wish I could get a "do-over." As a child of the 1950's and a teenager/young adult of the 1960's the Stephanie side was hell on earth; full of self loathing, self doubt, questioning. It was a bad time to be "different." As a boy/teen/young adult who was compelled by some force to don women's clothing it was pure hell. It was the same for gays and lesbians. No internet. No resources. Nothing. From that aspect of life, yes it would be great to have grown up in a more liberal and accepting time period. But, there is still resistance by society for our expression of self; especially personal relationships.

Although I deeply love my wife; fifty year plus now, it would be nice to have something more than "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Wave the magic wand and transform our relationship into a more accepting and participating one would be great.

As to being ten years old now and starting over. I have my doubts. Aside from wearing women's clothing I do not believe my 21 year old granddaughter and my four year old grandson are going to live in a safe and sane world. This polarization is more than annoying. It is dangerous. It will lead to too much conflict. On the medical aspect of it, I see this Covid-19 seriously affecting life in the foreseeable future; perhaps decades. It's a virus that will not be conquered. I have had a relatively decent 74 years. I do not think getting to 74 for a four year old is going to be pleasant or doable in the future. So, I'll take the lumps dished out now rather than the lumps dished out in the future.

I can see your points and opinions which are valid and your own and would lead you to your own choices. Mine was strictly a hypothetical and I meant it be a literal do over such that in 2021 I would be the same age as now (54) but have grown up from adolescence in a female role having transitioned.

As for society and the world going downhill presently, I personally don't know that a lot of what we see isn't just because of the media and the prevalence and dissemination of primarily only the bad stuff. Sure bad things are happening around the world, but they always have throughout history they just weren't broadcast over and over again around the world. Individuals just saw what was going on locally.

Thank you Tabitha - you have shared much of yourself in this post. I think most of us have wondered, CD or no, what life would have been like had we made certain choices earlier. I think the bottom line as to which we would select, the 10 mil or the do over has do do with the satisfaction we experience in where we ended up. I would love to do the do over, address my CD tendencies at a much younger age, and live a life that may have included it. Problem with that is I would end up in an entirely different place than I am currently, perhaps with more of the experiences I would have liked - maybe even preferred - but now away from the life I have known and the people I love. Not a move I would like at all. So I'll take the 10 mil which could help us all out - maybe even some money for my preferred causes - and stay the part time casual CD (with an accepting wife ) that I am.

However, I sense that you do not share the same satisfaction in your current life that I do. In spite of the fact that you too have loved ones in your life, something is missing, and as such your satisfaction is not complete. I do not have the inclination toward transition, so I can't possibly know what that is like. Perhaps only a person of TG experience could tell you if their thoughts are the same. Perhaps this is all just fantasy, and we all have those, and I hope that is the case for you.

I wold probably take the money, but it is an interesting thought.

Ten years old and have the knowledge I have now? Hummm, dangerous!

I don't think my CD'ing would change, at least a whole lot, but I would approach my life differently. Less screwing around when I was younger. Maybe date the super cute Norwegian blonde I knew in high school, take more chances. Do better in school, get a better job and start shoving as much money as I can into the stock market. By the time I hit my age today I would have more than the $10 Mil!

The only thing that might stop me is I might never have met my wife in a different time line, and I would miss her, but I guess if I retain my knowledge I can still go find her!

What a great post, if I could I would add this twist. Like a lot have already said I fear for all 7 of my grandchildern growing up in these time. So back to my twist my do over would take me back to 1965 with my current knowledge. Would love to meet my wife (44years) before 1977 so I could be a bridesmaid in her wedding :daydreaming:.

For me, I would choose the 10 year old do over scenario. Only to try and see what it would be like if I decided to become a woman instead of staying a man and dressing to keep in touch with that part of me that is Olivia. I know what my life has been like and I love it so I am just curious as to what would have happened if I never met my wife and made my decision to become Olivia for real.

I'd take the money.
Going back to 10 years old - even with the knowledge I have now, would still be hellish.
those were NOT good times for anyone gender variant - and especially not where I grew up.
Knowledge without the ability/resources to act on it would be an extra level of torture.

To be ten years old and know what I know now would be traumatic and debilitating. You have a lifetime of experience in your head and yet you are a helpless dependent child? No thank you. Plus, I was ten in the late 80s when the only gender benders were on the fringe of society, drag queens, queer prostitutes and the occasional hair dresser. Hand me the money, thank you.

Interesting proposition. I would take the money. Going back to 10 years old in 2021 would not be something I would want to do. But returning 10 in 1955 with what I know now has some real possibilities. I would know about the decisions I made after that and make different decisions and hope it turns out better and I don't get run over by a bus at 12 because all the timing would be out of whack from what it was. It would be nice to be young and the smartest kid in school (or maybe anywhere). But that could also be a terrible burden. A potential to change the course of the world before 2021 comes around. But what impact would those changes have on the world after 2021? Might not be so good or might be amazing. It is probably good that we can't go back. So I will take the money and have a ball during the end years of my life. Maybe there is a good reason time only travels forward.

I'd take the money. Even with the knowledge I have now, my 10 year old self would still make the incorrect decision.

The question calls to another question: To what degree are you satisfied with the life you have now? I'm really rather content with where I am now. To go back to 10 yr old me, with the knowledge I have now, means I would change some choices I made, and avoid mistakes. Those mistakes had a great effect on the paths I took, and without them I would not have met my spouse, or had the family I have. As far as dressing goes, what if I stopped my 10 year old self from trying on pantyhose, and stopped it all before it started? You might say I subscribe to the butterfly effect theory.

As far as 10 million bucks goes, money can create all sorts of problems, but it's better than not having it at all. A 1% interest account would yield 100 grand a year -- retirement here I come, and options for dressing up.