Weird statement and question from my wife

Background notes:

My wife found my clothing in 2019. I explained I dress, it is part of me, I can't explain why I do it and so on. I felt so much shame that I threw almost everything out, and she knew this. She told me she wanted no part in it, and didn't want to see it.

My wife then opened something for me in 2020, which revealed I was still dressing. She was surprised, but we had another long conversation about it. I said I am on the trans spectrum, and we've gone back to DADT.

Then in August I *think* she saw me dressed in a women's top, possibly saw me as I was putting it on so I had a bra on show.

Either way, she is very aware of the situation and that I continue to dress.




Fast forward to yesterday, and we have the TV on in the background, and it's a guy touring the country visiting various locations. At one of the locations, there is a drag show happening for the first time since COVID. It was a 30 second piece and we weren't that focused on what was on the TV.

My wife then said "I don't like drag, it's too weird. Yes, the makeup skills are really good, but I just don't like it.... what do you think of drag?"

I, as I have agreed, gave her my honest response. "I'm not a fan of it because I find it is often overly sexualised, it's at odds with my fairly conservative approach of not talking in public about sex"



I've been thinking about this for 24 hours now, and feel like maybe there was some fishing going on, and she was testing to see if I was either going to bring up crossdressing, that I like drag, that I even do drag. Maybe that's what she thinks I do when I dress, rather than what I actually do, which is dress to blend.



Or maybe I am just overthinking it.


Confusing.

She might have been fishing for information on your crossdressing activities or thoughts.

My advice is, if you are crossdressing in the same house that you live in with someone else (in this case, your wife), it's not a matter of "if you get caught it's "when" you get caught. You will get caught.

This doesn't work for everyone, of course, but I found a way to introduce my wife to me crossdressing so now there's no hiding of clothes or things and I can walk around the house dressed as a woman even with her there. The stipulation is that nobody else finds out.

Don't be confused she wants to know more about your thoughts on cross dressing and transgender issues

these are questions you need to ask her not us, i came from a DADT relationship so its possible....i even volunteer at a public thrift and love the customer reactions.

you just want a conversation, tell her you dont like it being confusing....then you dont have to over think it.....win win....

It sounds (to me) like she wanted to start a conversation about your views and your activities.

This would probably be a good time to have a serious long talk, be truthful, and don't make promises that you can't or won't keep.

I agree with the others. Sounds like your wife is being inquisitive. My wife also found my clothes in 2011 insisted I got rid of them and stop dressing immediately which I did. I am in a DADT doesn?t want to know relationship. Limited opportunities. I get clothes occasionally then dispose of them on occasions wife is back from being away. It sounds in your case there might be a glimmer of hope. I suggest a not too heavy talk with your wife . See where the land lies . You have nothing to lose.Even if it?s not a favourable response, you should know where you stand hopefully.

It rather seems like fishing, which can be a good thing, or not. More that one member here has fallen prey to a maliciously motivated, similar line of questions/discussion. For your own sake, take this opportunity to ask for clarification. It may be nothing more than a point of discussion about drag, in general. More likely though, it was an attempt to open discussion on the subject, for good or bad. You won't know unless you ask. Just be ready to be shut down.

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Originally Posted by char GG

This would probably be a good time to have a serious long talk, be truthful, and don't make promises that you can't or won't keep.

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We've had this conversation though? We've sat down for 2-3 hours on two occasions and discussed it all. I've laid everything out there, and she has said she doesn't want to see me dressed in any way shape or form, so she's closed the door.

I'll see what happens over the coming days and weeks. If the door is opened again, I will certainly walk through.

If she is being inquisitive and a conversation does happen, give here plenty of time to ask any and all the questions she has. And answer all her questions openly and honestly.

Hey Charlotte. Speaking from experience just because you have a long (or several long) conversations on the topic doesn't mean she really understands this. We have had our lifetimes to understand it, get comfortable with it and accept it. Our wives don't have the luxury of being inside our heads for a lifetime.

My wife discovered some clothes 6 years ago. She confronted me, I "shared everything"...much of my life history with it, yet she didn't understand at all. For the first couple of years after, I initiated the conversations and then periodically she would. After MANY conversations in which I thought she understood my likes/dislikes, history, and needs, she showed a picture of Eddie Lizzard in a satin jacket and pants, presenting androgynous and asked if dressing like that would satisfy me. It wouldn't and she was asking from the context of being out in public like that. Given all of what what he had discussed over the prior 4 years or so I was shocked she would even ask the question.

We have an infinitely better relationship now and she understands a lot more, but she still surprises me at times with a question I would have assumed she knows the answer. My point for sharing this is that as you have shared your struggles, I can't help but think there is hope for you and your wife to find an understanding. Baby steps...don't assume she understands even if you think you've communicated perfectly. More than anything, my wife needed to know that I was essentially the same person she fell in love with. She also needed to know her world wouldn't be turned upside down.

Don't give up hope. Communication can bring both of you to a better place and as Aunt Kelly stated, be ready to be shut down too. If you're patient and you strive to understand her needs too, I believe and hope you and your wife can get to a better place. Good luck, Charlotte!

Without knowing you two personally, I can only guess at what your wife was fishing at. Most questioning from unaccepting spouses comes from two fears -- that you're either planning to transition or you're actually gay. The tendency to conflate drag (which has a higher media profile) with all forms of crossdressing probably doesn't help.

One way to open the door back up is to say that you were thinking about the conversation regarding drag from the other night. "I'm curious, was that just a casual question or was there a question behind that question?" Take her answer at face value, no just casual-stop asking if you want or she says something along the lines about your activities and see where the road goes. I have followed you for a while and know that you are trying to figure out the path forward in as honest a way as possible. Good luck.

My interpretation?

I think it's another dead end for you.

She asked, you answered, and then she didn't ask any more questions. IF she wanted to reopen the conversation, I think she would have asked them or made a comment about your answer. Instead, based on what you wrote, she moved on. To me, another indication that she doesn't want to discuss it.

Just my two pence.

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Originally Posted by CharlotteCD

I've laid everything out there, and she has said she doesn't want to see me dressed in any way shape or form, so she's closed the door.

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Charlotte, why do you jump from "she doesn't want to see me" to "she doesn't want to have a conversation about it?" These seems to be two very different things.

I guess for me, she has said she doesn't want to see it, she doesn't get it, and that's been it. I've started taking anti depressants recently, and she's not asked if my dressing is part of that issue, but she has asked if my eating disorder is.

I don't see it as a huge leap from one to the other, as she has had a number of opportunities but doesn't ever bring it up.

Seems like a reasonable question from a woman clearly aware that her partner is into cross dressing. Your answer was appropriate too. Its not much, but consider it a molecule of progress

my relationship is past DADT as stated previously, she does not want to see it ever....doubt she will ever understand it but i have unverified past which may make me intersexed, doubt that helps her either, aside from my panties being left behind in laundry she has not seen it. she has found things every know and then.

i cant leave the house dressed.....i manage that....my first times out were support venues....i even started my own support group on meet-up, although it went bust she let me do it.

i know all our mileages may vary my talk to her was that any further step would be disclosed, i cant promise anything.....its all still new to me and i dont want to assume its ok because she does not want to know and thereby talking the confusion and overthinking out of the equation.

hope having the right conversation will take the medication out of the equation for you....