First time post. Odd situation I need some advice on...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter

When we rip off the bandage instead of slooooowly tugging at the corners, any pain becomes momentary

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Shelley's reason for starting the thread was to explore firstly whether or not to tell the ex; secondly how to go about telling her. She is absolutely right to take all the time she needs to make sure she is clear- this isn't a genie which can be put back in the bottle.

Shelley- as far as your ex's possible reactions go, I suspect you're focusing on worst case scenario- and that isn't the most productive way to deal with your situation. Try to focus on your own needs, not hers. She lost the right to have you put her needs on an equal footing to yours when she signed the decree absolute. If you can keep your own needs and goals separate from what you imagine hers to be, your path forward will become a lot clearer.

You're obviously a caring person, but at this stage you have earned the right - because you and she decided to divorce - to live your own life, free of her judgement, opinion, or criticism. What she thinks, either about men who crossdress or about the fact that her ex likes to crossdress, is no longer relevant- you're still allowing her to influence you. The only reason you're contemplating telling her, and worrying about her reaction, is because you've allowed her to move back in - an act of great kindness - and you are therefore still in that sense 'a couple'.

It might be hard not to feel to some extent that what she thinks of you has validity, but the reality is that it is no longer any of her business, and I'd like to see you stop giving her possible opinions that validity.

It's girl power, yo. Just tell her what you want, what you really really want.

I agree with others that you should tell her. I think it is great that you have invited her and your children to come and live with you, but I also think you have an obligation to your self to live the life you have estabished and are happoy with. I do have one question. Exastly what did you do to get arrested?

@Alice B - It wasn't anything too bad. ;-) Basically I decided that the guy thought he could get away with anything so he needed to be told that was not the case. I went around there and told him that if he ever tried that again I would make his miserable life unbearable. Some bluster came back but I smiled and walked away. As I got into the garden he shouted behind me and had some what looked like a rounders bat. I turned around and calmly said that I hope your good with that and started walking towards him. With 30 years of martial arts, 3 black belts in different disciplines, 5 years as a semi-pro MMA fighter and 5 years coaching MMA fighters I was pretty confident. lol. He was shocked with me walking towards him and made a pretend swing. I did a rather nice double leg takedown, twisted his arm and took the bat off him. I then stood up and threw it back at him and walked into the house. 5 minutes later I was arrested for aggravated assault. They had no choice to be fair as it was his word against mine. Having not been arrested before I foolishly though it was best to tell the truth and I was summarily charged as I was seen as the instigator. I had hi on CCTV with the bat though so the CPS dropped the charges.
I would never hit anyone outside of a competition. I am all too well aware of the damage it can cause not only from being hit but also from being knocked down and hitting your head. It can cause brain damage or death quite easily and I can say good bye to the next 10-15 years inside. I would always advocate walking away as I did but also there is plausible defense which is how I see it. No one was hurt apart from a few bruises where the bat bounced off his legs. I hope at least he will think twice next time.

Getting back to the topic, lol, I think you are probably right in not delaying it longer than I need to. I wrote quite a bit of my letter today, well bullet points really, so I will see how it goes but probably weeks rather than months. As you can see from above, people see me as strong man, which I am, although they also know me as a very gentle, kind and patient man. The image of me dressed as a woman will be a shock to her to say the least though. I think I look ok and try to be as passable as I can. Don't know if that will help her or not but I'm still not prepared to show her anything unless absolutely necessary. I just refer the image of me to remain the same for her as much as possible unless of course she is accepting and supportive and then we will see.

Another thing is that I know we are divorced and I can tell her to leave but then that decision would be solely based on me wanting to have freedom to crossdress when I want which I just dont think is a good enough reason. If things were bad again, or she tried to control me etc then there would be more valid reasons but this alone isn't enough to put her through it. I am not going to stop no matter what and divorce does afford me that leniency and of course I am willing to compromise but stopping this time wont be an option and I will make that clear in the nicest possible way..... somehow. ;-)

You need to see a counselor. You're about to unload a major issue on your ex wife and kids, both of whom you seem to have had previous legal jeopardy with, and you're wondering how they might react and how it might impact your living situation. I can tell you how she's likely to react... she's going to be pissed and then tell you that you better not dress in front of her or the kids. Sometimes the pink fog causes us to lose touch with the reality of how other people view crossdressing. Sorry to be so blunt but this decision will have significant consequences for you and you better be fully prepared.

Sorry but I'm not sure you read the original post.
I have no intention of telling anybody but my ex. It will be something between me and her only and I also said that I wouldn't want to dress around her. I wouldn't expect her to be involved at all if she didn't want to be.
I have no pinkfog because I haven't told her yet. I said that I'm pretty sure she will be unhappy about it.

All advice appreciated however.

She's going to throw you out of your own house.....wise up. Tell her nothing but find her a mew place to live ....fast!

Are you charging her rent? Or will she try to say like here in Canada that living common law together that she gets half?
Either way, its your house, if you do choose to say something to her and she is offended, im sure she can feel free to move out on her own?

I have read that you and your ex are together now for 18 months. Dear here in Colorado you would be considered married and you get half of the assets. Been very careful check with your state or where ever you live and check on cohabitation as you still could very well be married once again. Best wishes

Thanks for the heads up. I just had a quick look into it and I don't think I will have an issue. I live in the UK. Also, since we divorced and I gave her half of everything she had some inheritance and made a fair bit of money on her old property so I would be entitled to half of hers as well. But I don't think I to need to worry and she isn't like really vindictive like that anyway. She is a pretty decent person.