First, welcome to the forum. There are lots of resources here to help you deal with this. It's why a lot of us are here, to help other people who are going through what we did.
In many ways, I'm going to agree with Paula. And so, here we go.
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like all fantasies I thought it was a kink. Fun not serious. But last weekend on his birthday he brought out his box of tricks. <snip> I will be honest here and hoped it wasn't going to happen.
Yours is a very common response to the sudden realization your SO is a crossdresser.
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I would've thought that I was extremely open minded.
Well, it is easier when it's not personal. Now it is.
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I was ... I have to say disappointed and overwhelmed.
then
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I found the whole experience of shopping with him disturbing
These may reflect your feeling of the belief that he 'isn't the man you thought you were getting', that he's somehow less than you bargained for. Try to remember that sort of diminishes or devalues female feelings and behavior, as if it's somehow worth 'less' that what men feel and do; we (crossdressers) don't do that, so why would women? Embracing traditionally female feelings and behavior should be a positive thing, no? Women complain all the time about stereotypical males; well, now you know he's way more than that. Should be a good thing, but it's going to take some getting used to.
Also, we fall in love with not the person, but what we know of that person. After finding out something like this, lots of women feel that they 'never really knew him at all'. Which, of course is wrong; he's the same person he always was. Only now, you know something you didn't before. But he hasn't changed at all. He's the same guy you've always known.
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He was unbelievably loving during this period saying how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.
Exactly.
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I even prayed that it would be over. I prayer being something I hadn't done for years. I was numb. Pretending everything was alright when I felt my world had just crashed in on me.
This is a natural response to feeling a loss, as if you've lost 'your man', your whole way of life. You haven't. As you wrote, he loves you very much. He's no less capable of being the man you need whenever you need him to be. Try to keep that in mind through all this.
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I had no sexual desire for him at all.
This is the big one. The feelings you had before were based on the concept of an 'all man, masculine male'. Now that image is being disturbed by the idea that he's 'girly', and you're not attracted to 'girly'. Even worse, it sounds like youre turned off by it. And it sounds like he really wishes you were into it, but you're going to have to let him know that right now, you can't handle that. It's a pretty big adjustment, and you will need time to deal with it. HE has to help YOU with this, not the other way around. He's known who he is for a very long time. You haven't. Or at least, ignored the possibility. Which is perfectly normal, women usually hate the idea that their man is anything feminine at all.
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I just felt so betrayed <snip> this big secret and my reactions to it are affecting everything. My relationship with my kids - all the kids actually, my work, how I view life.
Yes, it does change how you see you fit into the world because you think he's different. He isn't. He's always been like this, and it's never caused any problems, remember that. What's changed, is you, how you feel. And it's going to take a while to adjust.
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Are all the sweet words (unusually of recent times solicitous) a lie - is it gratitude or is it a continuation of his fantasy of how he would like to be treated?
Not really. Well, not always. He seems to enjoy his role in life as a guy; as you say, he's always been a manly man. But he wants to be able to oh, 'let his hair down' sometimes, so to speak. He should be able to do this without everyone else feeling like it's some sort of betrayal. It's his life, too. Just like women didn't want to be stuck being only 'Suzy homemaker' and wanted to branch out and have careers, lots of guys want to live part of our lives as women do. Note I said PART. We're not, well, not most of us anyway, not gay or transsexual.
'We just want to feel and do some of the same things that you do': Women have been saying that to men for years. Now it's time to face that men sometimes feel the reverse. And a lot of women can't handle that. But it's very real.
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I felt so protected and now I don't know how to react.
And there it is. Insecurity rears its head. Women rely on men for protection. Now you might wonder if he's 'less of a man', perhaps someone who might not protect you when the situation requires it, might not take his male responsibilities seriously anymore. Was there ever any indication that he would do that before? Probably not. As you said, he was always a manly man. He still is.
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So now to my shame ... My 13 year old son has just called me out for being a bitch to my partner - I have been - angry I guess and confused - and I think I have cause to be but perhaps not academically but emotionally.
You're venting. Right now, he appears to be the source of your problems, when in reality, it's only your perception of who and what he is that's actually changed. But you didn't mention if the kids know he crossdresses.
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I question everything about us - was it me every romantic gesture or just part of his fantasy for him? I honestly think the latter.
So at this point, you're going through questioning everything in your relationship. Don't. Again, he loves you and is still the same guy you've always known. He's just playing out a role he didn't feel free to do before.
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I would never out him so have to suck up the resentment and my feelings to cover for him.
This is what pretty much everyone goes through when we suddenly have some big secret dumped on us, that we can't talk about with anyone else. You're going to need to lean on him or someone else or it will eat away at you. I write HIM because he's the obvious choice, even though you probably feel like you can't trust him right now. Perhaps write to the wives of crossdressers here to vent some more (I see Reine has already jumped on board), and find ways that they have successfully used to deal with finding out that their husband crossdressed.
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Be the bitch because he is the one being super super everything.
He'll probably understand. That's why he's trying to be so nice. He probably knows how this can affect you.
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I am having a wine and thought about topping that off with some sleeping pills I had saved just to make this whole thing go away. But I would never do that not least because of the kids and my brave Son who had the guts to call me out for being a bitch or my beautiful daughter who frustrated me so much this morning. I would never let that be their last memory of me.
Please don't. If you get to that point, go or call to an E.R. and talk to them. There's always a crisis counselor on call you can talk to somewhere.
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I don't know how to communicate this with him. I don't want to scare him into the closet.
Well, he's out to you now. Whether he stops crossdressing and whatever else, now you know what he really feels. There's no going back in the closet for him. You can choose to ignore it, though, if you force him to go back to denying what he feels. Doesn't usually work well, though.
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Is he gay? Does he want to live as a woman
Probably no to both of those. But there's no way to know unless he's already gone through all his self discovery. You'll only know by talking to him about this. And, don't be surprised if now that he's admitted his desires to you, he 'suddenly' wants to dress up more and express female behaviors more. It's simply like having a dam break and all the water coming out at once. It will settle down again. He's now 'venting' all the female feelings and behaviors that he's held back for well, probably all of his life. As far as the kids, and other people, try to keep it under control. Keep it between the two of you.
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What about the kids.
Not sure as it isn't clear whether they already know or not.
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so here I am sitting on the backstep with a glass of wine and tears blurring my words and not even able to check out of this mess.
Life is messy. You'll get through. You have plenty of support here, let the wives of the guys here help you. I'm sure a few will soon chip in.
Edit. I had to add this, because you probably don't know. You husband had most likely gone over this in his head a thousand, ten thousand times. We all want to believe that all the good things about us will out weigh the 'little' bad thing that we are crossdressers. I did. I really believed that my wife would be ok with it. At the time, i had no idea how it would screw up how she felt about me sexually, about all her own insecurities, even to the point of making her question her own sexuality. I had no idea of how big a deal breaker it was for her. Your husband probably doesn't know any of these things about you, either. When you do sit down and talk, try not to get angry, because it won't help at all. Perhaps write everything down, and present it to him (and he back to you) in print. Just make sure to destroy the papers you write (or emails, or IM's, whatever) so that there is no evidence of any of this anyone else can find.
Alex