Second thoughts maybe, on HRT

Well I been on HRT for a little over 2 months. I been walking / riding a bike for exercise . Really not much to report and I won't get into too much detail. Even tho I lost weight my boobs didn't shrink even before going on HRT. Maybe my butt got a little fatter , hard to tell. no change in my areola . Softer skin ?? , I always had soft skin. some shrinkage, and maybe a little bit more emotional. Maybe my boobs got a tiny bit fuller. Now that I got divorced, and lost about 55 lbs my self-esteem went up alot. Girls are starting to noticing me more and give me complements and I like that. Yes I did get a girl ask me how my face is so smooth, I said I use Estee Lauder day wear cream. I had my 4th session of lasor last week on my upper lip. Did I go out and get a nice pedicure when the salons opened up in NJ and the girl picked the color. Yes I have been wearing it out with women's sandals in guy mode for the past week yes, no strange stares a few girl like it. I went to C&B today and bought one girl shorts and 2 tops to wear golfing, no skirts yet LOL.. They can pass for guy or girl clothes no booty shorts. and I got me 2 perfume pens size . I know that if I continue on HRT and transition my chances of finding a girl to love will be slim to none. Another trans woman I could learn to love, but I was always the submissive one and you know what that means. I had 2 blood work done and everything looks good and on the 16th I have a phone call with a DR. I was looking forward to getting my ears pierced and getting a full set of nails with Gel , now I am not sure. Being degraded for years by my EX and being told I was a worthless fag left me wanting to become a woman, now I feel a whole lot better that my self and finally enjoying life. Being trans is a lot of work, is my dysphoria about being male that severe??? Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard. If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman. so scared ! IF I stop taking HRT will some things reverse!!

It's my understanding (after a couple of years of research) that almost everything will reverse, including libido, emotional state, skin, distribution of fat pattern and to some degree what little breast growth you may have achieved.

At two months... I can't imagine there has been much that has happened to you physically. But I've read of some trans women who stop hormone therapy for one reason or another after six, ten or twelve months and quite quickly physical changes begin to revert back to when testosterone was the dominant sex hormone.

Second thoughts are good. It means you are thinking.

I know its easy to get confused and off track in dealing with emotional and relationship issues. I’ve done so myself...more than once. I know how desperate we can be to find answers to problems as we perceive them, and the urgent desire to fix whatever causes us pain. At the same time, I know that many people...people you and I know...here on these pages, have grasped at straws, only to find that those problem was unresolved. Maybe HRT...maybe those steps towards transition ...were simply not addressing the real issues you are dealing with. Only you and, hopefully, a competent therapist , can get to the heart of the matter.

I know it goes against mainstream trans community thinking, but if you don't feel you absolutely must be on HRT, you are much better off not being on it.

The odds of finding a GG who wants a man who just a little feminine (like myself), much less a man who has breasts, is almost nonexistant. Women want men who are masculine (or are at least are "gender confirming"), a very, very cruel reality of life for men like myself. If finding a GG means that much to you (it does to me!), I'd go off the HRT to improve your odds, and avoid some of the possible health risks.

Like I said I might continue to cross-dress I did last night and had fun I'll continue to get pedicures. I'll still keep wearing panties all the time I hate guys underwear anyway so when I talk to the doctor in a week and a half I'll lay out my concerns. My niece told me I can't have it both ways either I'm a woman or a man why can't I just be a crossdresser at times?

You sound confused. I suggest finding a professional counselor, one with experience in the transgender area.

And you can certainly be a man who is just a crossdresser at times. That's what I am.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeniseNJ

Being degraded for years by my EX and being told I was a worthless fag left me wanting to become a woman, now I feel a whole lot better that my self and finally enjoying life. Being trans is a lot of work, is my dysphoria about being male that severe??? Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard. If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman. so scared ! IF I stop taking HRT will some things reverse!!

---

You continue to express doubt, fear and concern about HRT and transitioning. Here are a couple of your recent posts:


The time has come put up or shut up. 5-10-20
I've been cross-dressing my whole life. Some may know I'm going through a divorce my wife says because I want to become a woman. I went to counseling like three times dressed as Denise and now my HRT prescriptions are at the pharmacy. Estradiol /testosterone blockers. I am so scared because I know my whole life will be turned upside down so I think I'm going to give it a couple months and see how I feel. And I can always decide to stop. This is a stressful decision and I'm only attracted to w


I should be happy with this good news. 5-16-20
I had my labs after being on HRT for one week. I get a call yesterday stating everything looks good and to continue the course and stay on the HRT as prescribed. In two months they'll draw more blood and test my levels to make sure following suit. For some reason I don't know do I really want to become a woman. Oh I like dressing , I like being too pretty and I like all things feminine but live my life everyday as a female. That is a question I have to wrestle with. Dazed and confused. Tomorrow is my birthday and I just feel a little bummed I'll be 62 and I'm saying is it worth it..

If HRT was a counselor's recommendation for you, you need to find another one.

Why not just keep cross dressing? It is what you enjoy.

The number one reason why we have difficulty with relationships is that we didn't tell them early enough about our needs.
This creates trust issues.

Those of us who brought it up early in the relationship do much better than those who keep it secret.

Marion

If, in the beginning, a trans woman tells another woman that she identifies as female and needs to transition, there probably would not even be a relationship.

If a woman marries a man who needs to become a woman, "for better or worse" becomes too slippery to hold on to for some.

I have friends who, so far, are hanging in there with their marriages. I have two other friends who transitioned with totally accepting and, in fact, encouraging wives but in time they went their separate ways.

Honesty is always best. but there are no guarantees.

The main reason has always been the fact that wives did not sign up to eventually be married to another woman.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeniseNJ

Being degraded for years by my EX and being told I was a worthless fag left me wanting to become a woman, now I feel a whole lot better that my self and finally enjoying life. Being trans is a lot of work, is my dysphoria about being male that severe??? Very confused here, I love to dress up but to live full time might be hard. If I had my own natural hair and I let it grow and had it styled, I would be more comfortable as a woman.

---

Hi Denise ,
This above here that I quoted hurt my heart . My late fiance had this happen and he was confused also from the time we met until he died . His mother did this to him , I heard what she said and I saw the damage and he was just as confused as you . She hated men . She drilled it into his head from the time he was very young how horrible crappy and worthless men were until he was so submissive it was unreal .. he would also ever be able to leave her house very long from this also .

This kind of abuse can really wreck people . He was so far in to this that he was about to have GRS whe we met , but I still saw a male there , yes , quite femme and rather emotional but a male- ish person - strongly . Over the years with just some gentleness, love and no yelling , he found his footing and was mostly comfortable as gender fluid that dressed in public in female clothing , he had his own waist length thick carpet hair that I adored ( and keep a lock of around my neck ) but he also learned he wasn't horrible , or dumb and waited on that GRS . I let him lead and simply encouraged him to BE him whoever that was and he took off like a bird who just learned to fly .

I am glad he had second thoughts so he had TIME to think about what he wanted to do and why .. not do something for the wrong reasons .
He was more than a crossdresser but didn't need all the surgical intervention , he was on hormones way too long off and on and had some health complications with that but everyone is different . He was a very unique individual and so are you .

“ I was always the submissive one and you know what that means.” I actually don’t know what this means. Perhaps you could explain.

I don’t know your individual situation, but you didn’t mention a therapist at all. That seems like the kind of person you should be talking to about these issues. I certainly hope that if you’re on HRT that you do in fact have a counselor of some sort as it’s usually very strongly recommended during a transition.

If you don’t have a therapist, get one NOW. You don’t want to screw with your body by constantly starting and stopping HRT.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Maid_Marion

The number one reason why we have difficulty with relationships is that we didn't tell them early enough about our needs.
This creates trust issues. Those of us who brought it up early in the relationship do much better than those who keep it secret.

---

And tell a woman upfront you dress and end up "friend zoned" forever. I have always been honest and upfront about my dressing and look where it has got me.

Not that a GG should not be told before marriage, they absolutely should, and one fails to do so at their own peril. But seldom is the other side of the coin mentioned.

Denise,
I still see the same problem coming through and that is the poison still left in your system from your wife , it's taken me two years to shake it off but still when she rings manages to stir things up again .

You talk about so many thing you hope will happen and some that aren't happening, HRT isn't a magic formula , it won't take away that hurt that had built up , I still feel you should have held off HRT until you found a balance in your life without the restrictions of your wife . Even without HRT I'm so much happier , I do what I do as Teresa without a problem . OK the last comment I received from wife over feeling happier was now have no responsibilites so I should be happy , on a good day she does accept her attitude was the problem on a bad day it's all my fault , just put a pair of trousers on and a shirt and MAN UP !

I'm totally open minded on the possibility of finding another partner if it happens it does but I'm not spending my life searching , I have so many other things to catch up on , doing those I may suddenly find I discover a new partner by accident .

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeniseNJ

.... My niece told me I can't have it both ways either I'm a woman or a man why can't I just be a crossdresser at times?

---

With all due respect to your niece, you can have it both ways. It seems you very much enjoy the outward expression of femininity, the clothing and experiences of being out in the world presenting as a woman. That is great. You are free to enjoy that experience with no obligation to take medical steps to alter your body chemistry.

Too often we slip into a language that suggests a hierarchy starting with cross dresser and culminating with transsexual. And of course we often talk about progression from one state to the other, again implying a hierarchy. But that is misleading. The differences between a cross dressing person and a transsexual person are not akin varying degrees in karate or going from VFR to IFR ratings. Its not a valuation. One state of being is as valid and valuable as another. The goal should be achievement of personal happiness/satisfaction, however that might be expressed.

Very well stated Kim. There really is no push to go further for anyone. Sometimes one feels that they should because others are doing it. But where you are or want to be is good enough and other's opinions should not come into play unless you decide that you need some. Be yourself, be happy and enjoy this too short life that we have been gifted.

Allie

First of Dutchess,Tank you for understanding my Pain. I am not looking for a pitty party, we all have different crosses to bear. Just being honest and transparent . And Micki , what I mean by that is:: I will serve and please others , what ever it takes to make a man or woman feel good sexually I wll. But actually, I can't love a man or even kiss one but I would be a sex object if needed Dressed as Denise. Yes we all have Fantasies as does Denise. I appreciate all the views and comments,I did see a therapist BUT she wasn't a gender qualified THERAPIST "".When I found a gender Qualified she was booked up for months. When asked, would I had rather been born a female, my answer was definitely . If I was born a female would I become a Lesbian , I think so. With that said , It is just over 2 month and I soon will be out of estradiol, 5 pills left, You get 30 day supplies , I might have forgot a few doses since Denise's Birthday was May 4 and from what I see MOST trans women are lonely. I want to feel love, its been a long time. I am a good person with a giving heart . I must decide and I am leaning towards stopping.

if you feel like stopping, stop. and if after you stop you decide you actually do wish to change your hormones, start taking them again. plenty of people become anxious about them and change their mind, then begin again. having doubts is fine, you can make changes to your body that can be permanent. having second thoughts about that is a valid reaction.

You can also microdose, take less than a typical dose prescribed for transitioning, leave your t higher, etc. The UCSF page on hormones is often referred to as a reference and discusses non-binary and other gender non-conforming treatment options. Don’t get caught up in the legacy of all or nothing.

Quote:

---

You can also microdose, take less than a typical dose prescribed for transitioning, leave your t higher, etc.

---

I think that is great advice and continue seeking/talking to medical /counseling. Crawl, walk and if when ready, run...

Denise

Your honesty and transparent sharing is something that I think makes you very courageous. It's a good thing to be open to reversing course. It's your life.

Your comments and thoughts scream!!!! out to me that you should be taking a step back. I'm responding directly to your openness..
Use that openness for your own good. Isn't it obvious to you?? Step back and think about your comments and what they mean

Im not sayin you are this or that... Im saying that post mostly about your crossdressing experience and sexuality. Everything you talk about can be true with our without HRT.

I have tons of experience to share and almost universally if you come at your gender dysphoria through the lens of your sexuality and thinking about the future of your sex life, at best it doesnt really mean anything, it will be what it will be... how can you possibly know in advance...i can answer that, you cant... you are pondering the imponderable....i have seen it so many times... your sexual feelings will change or they wont...your libido will change or it wont... it has NOTHING TO DO with being a woman and how you live

and at worst, its literally deadly.. unreasonable expectations, lovers abandoning us, potential lovers being disgusted when they find out or potential lovers just in it to hide their shame and don't remotely think of us as women... it can be a horrible disappointment...
you just need to know that relationships and sexuality challenges many of us but its in the doing. If you are very concerned about it, then I will tell you straight out. Stop HRT right now.

I have seen many MANY successful transwomen have good relationships and enjoyable sex lives...some were completely surprised by how they felt as they transitioned...it is common for transpeople to get together
I have seen even more gender NB or committed crossdressers have a good sex life and a high quality of life by experiencing their feminine parts or their "female side" outside of transition. Some express the idea to me of transition but leave it there
In a way its almost a part of their sexuality. "wanting" is different than "needing"

Try to view it that you are heading to a good place... YOUR place. Its all there for you if you can figure out who you really are...

So many times I've seen black or white thinking cause problems... It's not a zero sum game... you are trying to make your whole life better.... i urge you to look at your strengths, take advantage of your honesty and experiment with different therapy approaches and different approaches to both HRT and what HRT means to you. Do not trap yourself by trying to justify past actions and don't trap yourself by trying to predict the unpredictable...

Wow I just read some intense comments. Sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble and my transparency about me and how I feel is apparant. I've always been like this I speak my mind but sometimes my mind leads me in the wrong direction. I want to thank everybody who responded to this thread for taking the time and helped open my eyes a little. I just want to feel what it's like to be loved I miss that.

There is no guarantee of feeling loved, regardless of transition. Sure you can go with the hope that you will have a better chance if you appear cis, but it is still not a guarantee. As well that just brings up a boat-load of other questions. Would you tell them? When would you tell them? Would you attempt to stop doing anything outside of typical for your assigned at birth gender?

As well, do you just want to feel loved or do you want to be loved? The difference? Feeling loved - the person acts like they love you but they don't really know you, they simply know a version of you that you showed them because you were afraid to show them all of you. Would you feel loved then? Or would you still feel lonely because inside you know that in order to be loved you need to hide parts of yourself?

I dunno the answer to these questions for you. I know the answers for me. And I know that any connections made now, as the real me are so much more rich that I wouldn't trade them at all for any false relationships I may have had in the past.

Also, I knew at the end of Day 1 of HRT that I was NEVER going to go back NO MATTER WHAT. But hey, that's just me.

You CAN have it both ways, I know I have for years. I was male who liked being pretty and preferred female clothing... not as a fetish but as daily identity. I integrated it as I am non-binary and have considered myself "both".

However, it would put HRT up there with major things like a hip replacement or vascular surgery.. if you need it, you don't want to do it DIY. You get one shot at doing it right and you would be foolish to try and do it on your own.

You need to have spent time with a therapist so you can have talked through the ramifications of your choices, so you can be sure.

You need an endocrinologist so you can *know* exactly how your body is responding.

I have concerns for my changes, but only that I don't fully know what will happen at the other end of this process. The journey is one I'm ready for, but that doesn't mean that my experience will be all butterflies and rainbows. I'm not becoming a new or even a different person. I'm still me. You will still be you.

and if the answer is right today, it will still be right tomorrow. See some professionals to talk about what you want and expect.

Well I want to thank all that took time to respond. Yes it's been almost I month since I stopped. Do I still have the urge to cross dress YES Do I still feel I have the brain as a cis woman. Yes we think on the same lines. There is a part of me which feels that I should have continued on HRT Then a part of me that just wants to experience a good life and enjoy just being alive. I will always be a care giver and I enjoy being there for others and being appreciated (WHO Doesn't) How I wish I was brave enough to transition fully BUT right now I need to figure things out in life. Thank you all . Denise will keep all of you in my Heart. :)

Denise, I really think you have made a reasonable choice by deferring HRT. Live your life in any way that permits you to express whatever version of your gender identity you find satisfying.