Don't know what I'm doing

I went to see my psychologist today. She is the only person I've ever voluntarily told about my feminine side.

It has taken me over 50 years to tell someone. It was like this terrifying door I could never see beyond. And now that I've opened that door, I've suddenly realised I had no idea what was behind it. I don't know what happens now.

I had no choice but to barge in and crash down that door. My burden has been oppressive, and I've had to lay it down.

I can only wonder where this path will lead me now. Wish me luck

Welcome to the club.

I told my sister, one of 5. I do not know what got over me but I had to tell her.

I told my wife but she is not supportive. Even though she is a Social Worker and trained by East Coast schools.

She does say she is sorry for not being supportive but she married a man and not a woman.

Best of Luck Simone, you will do fine!
We all find our way as you really aren't just starting, you know this road....use your instinct.
Just remember, life is too short to stop now!
Best you live and enjoy, don't be selfish but find a balence...and everything will be right as rain!

I see 2 roads:

The dam has broken and the river may run free.:battingeyelashes:

Or, you'll be shell shocked and flee back into your closet!:eek:

Your Physcologist is a good person to tell first. He or She can help you work out your feelings. And they can't tell anyone else about it. So don't feel like your not safe.

Good luck, Simone. A long time ago when my wife and I had "The Talk" I found myself carrying around a lot of baggage and lack of self esteem and self worth. In the 1960's through the 1980's I thought it was "unmanly" for a guy to want or need to wear women's clothing. "What was wrong with me?" "Was I gay?" Rejection by my wife when it came to cross dressing. My wife said it was alright with her if I found a support group. There was none back then, and, probably none now where I live. The only contact I had with a trained psychologist was making a call to a female selected from the telephone book. I never sought counseling. I muddled through this negativity by myself. I weighed what I had done as a man against my need to wear women's attire and came to the realization there was nothing "wrong" with me. I figured out the root of my self loathing which included a lot of misguided spiritual guidance in my formative years.

In the end I think it comes down to two issues; accepting oneself and negotiating going through life with people who do not understand and those who refuse to understand. Good luck on your journey.

The flood happened for me 16 years ago.
After dressing since I was 5 or 6 I couldn't take the hiding and such any more. I came out to my wife with a "we have a problem". I told her all about it and that it's something that's part of me. I don't know why and don't care why any more. Too much time spent trying to find out why without any answers.
I no longer care why.

It is good that you are in therapy and can work through this whole mess with a qualified psychologist. I had the benefit of a very capable psychologist and she was very supportive, but looking back I was only able to be partially honest with her and as a result I am not sure I realized the full benefit of her assistance, either in learning to accept myself or learning to manage the condition.

Kim, I am curious why you felt you had to limit your counseling. I think if I ever started telling, it would all spill out. Hope you have found your way even without that help. It is fun.

Thank you all for your positive comments.

I have vowed to be honest with my psychologist, and spill everything. I can't think of another path forwards. Lying to everyone is hard enough, lying to myself is even worse.

In the time since, my brain has got worse, not better. It is all I can think about. I have no respite, I'm as conflicted as I've ever been. It is truly anguish.

But I believe there is path if I look hard enough for it.

Thanks for being in my corner

I can sure relate. I have been in conflict over it most all my life, and isolated much because of it. I have many issues, such a s father issues, mother issues, siblings issues, R word issues, emotional, mental, social. I told much to a VA therapist lady, and it helped, but not with some of it, i struggle with until i will die.

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

I see 2 roads:

The dam has broken and the river may run free.:battingeyelashes:

Or, you'll be shell shocked and flee back into your closet!:eek:

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I like how Doc expressed it.....my exact feeling.
Hope it is you feel free to be yourself....let us know how you are doing .

I have a question: Did you seek out a psychologist to deal with emotional distress associated with crossdressing or were you there for some other problems? I saw a psychologist to deal with distress in the wake of a divorce, but because I was supposed to be honest (and I knew my ex had outed me to others), I had little choice but to talk about cross dressing with my psychologist. Its a difficult conversation and may not present you with a clear path. Life seldom does.

I?m in the same boat. I had a massive flood/pink fog hit a week ago after not having urges since I was a teenager.
Acted on it and I?m more confused than ever, my wife sends mixed signals.
I had an abusive childhood and other issues I will be dealing with a therapist in the near future.
At this point that?s all I can do.

I think she was lucky to marry a man with a feminine side.

Well, 8 weeks in, I still have no idea where I'm headed. My head is a mess. My therapist is great, it's me that isn't.

I am realising there may be no endpoint to all this. I might just have to learn to live with it better than I have been.

I'm glad you have a good therapist, Simone. If you can learn to live with it more comfortably, that's still a vast improvement.

Simone, I don't think there is an endpoint. You're on life's journey, and are gaining a better understand and acceptance of yourself. Having this terrifying door in your life for 50 years has effects. You're now working on those effects.

I started therapy last February, went to a few appointments before ending up on video therapy for the past year due to the pandemic. That along with a couple of minor health issues knocked me completely off my game. I finally got into a doctor and dermatologist to get those things taken care of along with getting vaccinated. I also dumped my rusty old wreck and bought a never RAV4 so life is starting to take shape again. My wife booked a trip out of state in August and has been telling me I should do some solo travel to sporting events again. Things will get better but don?t expect a therapist to make any decisions for you. They can only give guidance and help you to look inside and unravel the mess.

Simone, Congratulations! I am sorry to hear about your wife, I wish you only the best. Keep us up to date.

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I am realising there may be no endpoint to all this

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Acceptance is the end point I guess, but you must go through what you're going through to get there, to get Relief , to be comfortable. That's all I want, just to be somewhat comfortable with me...

You said

It was like this terrifying door I could never see beyond. And now that I've opened that door, I've suddenly realized I had no idea what was behind it. I don't know what happens now.

I say "Follow the yellow brick road"

I think that you'll get a better idea when you see some milestones along the way. Take it slow.

I've been starting to go to a psychologist for different issues, but I think I would be telling her about this side of me too, hoping this could help myself too, but for what concerns you it's a move I praise and support. Good luck!