Really, it's not "rocket science"

I see quite a few postings here about folks being unsure of whether to go out to mix and mingle in public because they are afraid they may not look good enough or be able to "pass". We have many excellent resources on how to do that, both on this site and elsewhere that explain , sometimes in detail, the mechanics of it all. This is all well and good but nothing substitutes for real experience. I used to have a friend who was into mountain climbing and scuba diving. He had all of the nesessary equipment and spent a great deal of money on having just the "right stuff" but had very little experience climbing or diving and until he really got "out there" he didn't know what it was all about. The same is true with regard to military heroes, who are most often reluctant. Their skills are more often than not honed on the battlefield in real life situations and this is how they earn their medals and the respect and gratitude of their countrymen.

This is likewise true with regard to dressing. We can have all of the "equipment" but unless we "field test" the look, we don't know how it will be received. It's not automatic by any stretch and even if we look like a million bucks, that doesn't necessarily pull off what we are trying to accomplish. When a product is first incepted, there is usually a prototype produced and trial marketed. Based on feedback, the product is modified until it becomes a viable commodity and then it is put on the general market and if it has real value, it does well in sales and provides a real ROI (return on investment) to it's creator.

Still, the willingness to do something and take a chance is required. When I first started working, the person who trained me said:"Let's do something, even if it's wrong." This was especially true when we had a new product and knew very little about it. What this means is that we learn by both our successes and failures.

While I'm not telling everyone to just go out there and get in people's faces with our dressing, I am saying give yourself a real chance. I used to obsess about it a lot and was very closetted but finally decided to take the leap of faith and get out there. I was very pleasantly surprised my first time out, despite my own misgivings. That doesn't mean I was the untimate CD the first time but it did give me enough confidence to continue to modify things and eventually become fairly decent looking. Still, I had much to learn and the appearance is only a small part of it compared to overall manner and bearing but these are the things we really learn in the "field" by experience.

Many times we feel we have to look absolutely "perfect" but this is not necessary or required. I've found that people respond to me better when I'm just being myself and not someone who is trying to pull off some kind of "act". Rather, what they see is just another person with perhaps a slightly different viewpoint. What this does is open the door for tolerance and acceptance of diversity and by our very nature we are ambassodors for the community whether we realize it or not.

If you remember the animated character Rainbow Brite, she was an orpan girl who was taken by an "unknown force" and transformed into Rainbow Brite. Her mission was to bring color to the world but her loving and caring attitude was the most prominant aspect. While we do not mine color crystals or have a color belt, are we really any different in our purpose? We bring color and life to a sometimes drab and monotonic world by being who we are, and I'm not just talking about M T F CD's, I'm talking about everyone in the community and it's really quite refreshing. We are all shining examples of acceptance, tolerance and diversity.

So, it's really not "rocket science", but is is about being who we are. Every positive experience brings us one step closer, especially if we get out there to the extent possible because this the the way we really learn about ourselves and others. Keep up the good work my friends.:)

Very true in what you say. I've just begun feeling comfy about going out. Am I great, do I pass? Probably not but I'm being true to myself and having fun doing it. I'll pick my places and know that I'll be accepted as such. Same with shopping, Yes it is for me, is it ok to try it on or be measured. I never thought I'd say those words but after doing it once and the sky not falling and realizing that cash is king now I do. Thanks to all you on the site and my friend Sal I am trully being myself.

Salandra, excellent post. For me the support forums have been great. But one of the best things I ever did with my CDing is I got out before becoming a part of any support forum. I had just made the decision I was going to go out one time when on business and I did it. I picked up some clothes and shoes on the way to the airport because I wanted something more casual. I picked up my first makeup the night before going out and plotted out a route of travel. The second night of my trip I took 4 hours to get ready, was wearing too tight out of fashion clothes, and had done my first try at makeup ever, and I went out for an hour walk. And yea I got a lot of looks and comments. But I made it through it and no one came after me or beat me up. I repeated to myself over and over that "it does not matter what others think". And the best part it felt great getting out.

That first time out gave me the confidence to continue to do it. As I went out more I continued to hone my look from that first time look of a guy in femme clothes to a more blending look. I have never really sat down and practiced makeup or my voice. My times out and about enfemme were my practice.

I seem to be the only one, or one of the few that started this way going out. I then look at the posts of those wanting to go out and how much they worry about their looks. I know for some the complete very feminine/woman/passing look is there goal. But for many it just seems they just want to get out. And I know when I was a new person on the forums I was very confused by how I did it and all of the talk about looks. While only some of the posts specifically push looks as something that is needed, many of the other posts indirectly, IMHO, push or support the idea that looks are important for going out. In my experience looks is about 10-15% of going out and the rest is mentally within your self. This includes personal acceptance, acceptance it is ok for you to go out, the attitude it is ok for you to be out, that it does not matter what others think. Then mental part comes through in your attitude, body language and verbal interaction. And your overall vibes you give off are where other people are going to start with their acceptance and/or tolerance of you being out and about.

I tell people that really want to get out and about enfemme to:
- Get out of town away from those you know.
- Pick a safe public place with a few people. A mall during a less busy time is good.
- A blending look similar to those you will be around is good, but not needed.
- JUST GET OUT AND DO IT.
- ENJOY.

Just my 3 cents and experience.

As a revered boat builder once said, "Experience starts when you begin".
Excellent post Sal!

I think the biggest thing that CDer that go out for the first time do that can cause an adverse effect is to act scared. Always looking around, hiding their face when someone looks at them, acting nervious.
I was like that the first couple of times out then I quickly noticed that most people don't take too much notice in you unless you draw their attention. Also a couple of sisters on this forum gave me some advice. The next time I went out dressed I used the advice. I was amazed how well it worked. not only did the fear and nervesness fade, but I gain confidence in my CDing. One thing that one sister told me was to not look away when someone looks at you. Look right back at them and then smile. 9 times out of 10 they will smile back and then go about their business. I have found that this can be a disarming affect, espciallly in a fleeting moment. Where someone looks at you in passing, you look back, and smile. They smile back and by this time you have passed them or they have passed you and they quickly forget your face and only remember the smile. Someone once told me that passing as a woman was 10% Dressing and 90% Attitude.

Very well said Salandra. Here a a couple of small quotes from your great post that really resonated with me just now:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Salandra

...While I'm not telling everyone to just go out there and get in people's faces with our dressing, I am saying give yourself a real chance...

...I've found that people respond to me better when I'm just being myself...

...What this does is open the door for tolerance and acceptance of diversity...

...We bring color and life to a sometimes drab and monotonic world by being who we are...

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I struggle to deal with a few of my friends who do "get in people's faces" but the truth is, that for a few...that is being them! A few of my friends choose a form of gender expression that makes me cringe, honestly. But you know, that's their choice. They have the right to do that. (Of course proprietors may exercise their rights to limit my friends' activities in some cases.) But let's celebrate diversity, let's celebrate each other, let's stand by each other. I know, I'm straying from your original message a bit. What I wanted to say was, let's support our friends who long for that experience of getting out in public and being accepted, regardless of blending. Let's validate everyone being themselves.

Sonia

That is the point Sonia, to get out and show folks who we really are and what we are really like. Quite honestly, being a transvestite (then) years ago seemed to put forth sort of a seedy image and we tended to hide in the shadows. Now that more folks are coming forth, partly due to Forums like this one, we see more of a need for personal expression and interaction. We will never get that if we stay home in the basement and are missing so much if we do. Not to mention that each little positive step helps us move forward individually and together as a community. In the end, we really have no one to blame but ourselves if we missed out but the main idea is to let go of the trepidation and just enjoy being a person.:)

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Originally Posted by JoAnnDallas

I think the biggest thing that CDer that go out for the first time do that can cause an adverse effect is to act scared. Always looking around, hiding their face when someone looks at them, acting nervious.
I was like that the first couple of times out then I quickly noticed that most people don't take too much notice in you unless you draw their attention. Also a couple of sisters on this forum gave me some advice. The next time I went out dressed I used the advice. I was amazed how well it worked. not only did the fear and nervesness fade, but I gain confidence in my CDing. One thing that one sister told me was to not look away when someone looks at you. Look right back at them and then smile. 9 times out of 10 they will smile back and then go about their business. I have found that this can be a disarming affect, espciallly in a fleeting moment. Where someone looks at you in passing, you look back, and smile. They smile back and by this time you have passed them or they have passed you and they quickly forget your face and only remember the smile. Someone once told me that passing as a woman was 10% Dressing and 90% Attitude.

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True, but most women look straight ahead and ignore you if you look at them...
Relaxing and feeling confident when out is certainly the right attitude, even if difficult at first ;for example look at athletes relaxing their muscles as they pass the finishing line, another example of the mind overcoming fear.

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Originally Posted by Annemarie

True, but most women look straight ahead and ignore you if you look at them...
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Most women look staright ahead when looked at by men. After years of being harassed and importuned, that's their defense...

But women almost always look at other women, even if only fleetingly....checkin' the clothes, checkin' the weight, checkin' the shoes, just checkin'.

As to Salandra's analogy of product testing...I think that's a great analogy! And here's more to it... It's not rocket science, but it is R & D!

The dressing alone in the basement , in the "man cave"(hah!), is the mockup phase, the non-working model that gives the creators a look at what the finished product is supposed to look like.

The first step out is the run of the prototype... But prototypes are often tested under controlled circumstances, like an enclosed track or a lab. What's our lab? CD friendly clubs, gay bars, conventions, the homes of friends. Mistakes can get noticed and notes taken and there's no catastrophic melt down resulting in injuries to innocent passersby.

And finally, product introduction, often with an introductory special price! Your SO takes you to the mall, a CD friend and you go to dinner in a regular restaurant, you go to VS alone and get fitted for a bra! No more dry runs! the product is on the market and as years go by, sales improve and the product is upgraded to prevailing standards and tastes every so often.

Voila! Successful introduction of customized product to an eager public.

Of course, there's always that fringe market that likes their goods a little 'off'. But intensive market analysis (google) will easily get the non-standard models into the right hands.

Gee whiz Batman, I'm a prototype!!!!
Now my life is complete

I believe that there are various levels of CD and that everyone receives satisfaction at different levels. While a given CD may be happy with one level doesn't mean that another will be at that same level, vice versa. Some CD feel the urgent need of going out in public as a possible step of completion or closure, but that doesn't mean that the CD that dresses in the privacy of her home can't feel the same joy another CD feels when going out.

I believe going out in public is a personal choice that only each individual CD can decide for herself. I once met this CD admirer who kept pushing me to go in public "it's the best feeling ever" he said. He kept pushing and pushing thinking it would do me good, but instead, what it did was push me away from CD because it made me realize that maybe this isn't for me.

So I say to each her own. Some people have thick skin against stares and giggles, some are scared. Some are willing to confront co-workers, friends, family if they are caught, some aren't willing to risk it. So, only time can help decide what you're willing to do. I know personally that I was glad that I went away from the guy, because I sure was not ready nor do I know if I'll ever be. so when it comes down to it, it may be as hard as rocket science!

I understand it's a personal choice and everyone must proceed at their own pace and within their own comfort zone. It wasn't the intention of this thread to "push" people out there if they are not ready and that was stated in the OP. There does seem to be an overwhelming concern about "passing" sometimes though which I feel is somewhat overblown because many feel there is some impossible "standard" they have to fulfill before they can step out the door. What it really comes down to is being comfortable with ourselves and who we are.

It depends on just how important something is to us and if we are willing to take a chance. Do we make that move? Do we accept that new position? Do we ask the person we love to marry us? Nothing is ever a sure thing, not really but we do know what makes us happy and sometimes taking that chance is worth the effort and we will never know for sure if we did not try. The choice as always is our own.:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Salandra

I understand it's a personal choice and everyone must proceed at their own pace and within their own comfort zone. It wasn't the intention of this thread to "push" people out there if they are not ready and that was stated in the OP. There does seem to be an overwhelming concern about "passing" sometimes though which I feel is somewhat overblown because many feel there is some impossible "standard" they have to fulfill before they can step out the door. What it really comes down to is being comfortable with ourselves and who we are.

It depends on just how important something is to us and if we are willing to take a chance. Do we make that move? Do we accept that new position? Do we ask the person we love to marry us? Nothing is ever a sure thing, not really but we do know what makes us happy and sometimes taking that chance is worth the effort and we will never know for sure if we did not try. The choice as always is our own.:)

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I'm sorry if I misread your post, but I just re-read it, I don't see where it says that. But from my take, you are encouraging people to do it. That's why I posted my response. You're right, nothing is sure... so why not go on the "safer" side?

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Originally Posted by tgirlinva

I'm sorry if I misread your post, but I just re-read it, I don't see where it says that. But from my take, you are encouraging people to do it. That's why I posted my response. You're right, nothing is sure... so why not go on the "safer" side?

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Nothing wrong with wanting to play it safe my friend. We know ourselves better than anone else. As the saying goes though:'Faint heart never won fair maid." Sometimes we never know what we are really capable of unless we give it a shot. That is all I'm saying.:)