Thoughts of a bi-sexual woman/cd
Yes, I know I'm not a GG. However; for my entire life I have thought of myself as a woman. I know most on here will not understand. We all know that every time someone post a thread asking about feelings for a man, there is the obligatory chorus of "not Me!"s. This is aimed at that small percentage of us who in anyway have these feelings.
Someone asked me a question and instead of hijacking another thread I thought I would start one of my own.
As a young girl I danced and flirted with men all the time, but just could never go any further. Besides I felt way more attracted to women. Though I had to admit to myself that when I was dancing and the song slowed and my partner took me in his arms...it felt good.
As a married person, my wife and I would try to go to San Francisco ( we lived in the bay area) once a month or so to dance and be girlfriends. My wife and I would dance with men all night, talk about them, and when the mood was right go to our room. We TALKED about doing it, but never actually did it.
When I divorced my wife I met a woman who owned an antique store in the next town over. We hit it off and found ourselves talking for hours and having lunches and dinners together. She was still married but seperated and I was just old fashioned enough to not try to get closer. One day I was getting all dressed up and thought about going into Columbus ( Ohio) for an evening out, but was really scared. As I had always gone out with another girl. Then I thought of Carole and said "What the heck". I went to her shop, and she never batted an eye. I shopped around for a bit till she came up to me and we talked and I looked her in the eye and said "Don't recognize me?". She said "No....." then really looked and said "Really!".
Well that started a long term relationship that more or less continues to this day. It turns out she was very bi, and in her younger days as a stripper had had a boyfriend who was a male stripper and who she watched engage intimately with another man, and it changed her.
We dated for a week as two women and spent all our time together. She decided that I really needed to live my life the way it should have been. We moved in together as women. Not a stitch of mens clothing anywhere. I had made some good investments and had a house that was paid off and had semi-retired when I was in my late 30s. I went to work with her in her shop and we grew as a couple.
However; Carole thought I really should experience life completely as a heterosexual woman and one day as we were closing to go out on a Friday night she told me that a nice man was coming with us and would be my date. I admit I was a bit apprehensive, and seeing him gave me very mixed feelings. He introduced himself as JOhn. John was and is, 6-8, 300 pounds of muscle. The woman in me totally wanted to be with him. The other part....wasn't saying much. He was gentleman and we talked and talked and danced and when he walked me to the door, he gave me kiss on the top of my head. I almost melted. Carole was grinning like a fiend and told me I should have invited him in. Well...I just wasn't there.
We dated a few months and it WAS fun, at the same time she introduced me to another man who was just about the opposite. Shorter than me ( I'm 5-8 and he is 5-6), skinny with a scraggly beard. Carole introduced him as Jason. On those days that John was out of town on business or whatnot I would date Jason. Now Jason was NOT a gentleman and was pretty open to what he wanted..but the answer was still the same..."no". But it was fun teasing him. Mostly as payback for being so pushy!
Now Carole always had a halloween party. She was a wican, and witch, and an ex stripper and your basic noncomformist and her parties were always notable. Her idea for the theme of the party that year was "Michelle and John get married". We didn't go all out but we did send party invitations as wedding invitations. We bought a used dress and some new lingerie and accessories and when the night came I walked down the isle and Carole acted as the officiator and after some scandelous ( and humorous ) wedding "vows" she told him he could kiss me. When he pulled up the veil and moved in I kissed him without any thought.
That was the signal for the party to start and the drinking to begin...if it had not before. We did cut the cake and did open presents. Most were adult toys and there were laughs all around. After dancing most of the night, John asked if I was ready to leave. I said "yes" and we got into the limo. Yes, a limo! Instead of going to Caroles we end up at a Hotel and the rest was history. I will say that when the time came I never thought about it, I never second guessed myself, I just did it. And it was great. I knew then that he and I would have a "normal" man/woman relationship.
Of course when I got home Carole asked me all about it and it got her in a mood, such as I have never seen before. The next night after work she and I were being intimate when Jason walked in and began disrobing. I looked at Carole and she said "Jason has been pouting all week that he wasn't your first..so I thought a threesome would make him happy.
That began a very very complicated relationship. John really did consider me his girlfriend but wasn't ready for a live in. He liked his freedom too much. Carole was my live in but she had a thing for abusive bad boys and about this time was starting to fall for one. Jason I later found out was Carole's...husband. When Carole left me...and Jason...she asked me to take care of him for her. So, I was living with Jason, in Carole's old apartment. Dating John three or four days a week and listening to Carole talk about her new "love" everyday at work. Which was kinda aggravating.
I quickly learned that I loved Carole deeply and felt abandoned and not a little betrayed by her. I found that Jason scratched an itch that I didn't know I had, and that John was.....something else. I didn't know if it was love or not, but only knew that I didn't want him to leave me. Eventually John found out about Jason and gave me an ultimatum; which resulted in me moving in with him.
Things quieted down and John and I established a domestic pattern. Until that summer when I had to go back to my own, original house, because it was summer visitation with my children. Who were there almost all summer. We had a huge fight and broke up because he did not understand that two weeks was not enough time with my kids, and broke up.
After the kids left and I had time to think, I realized that I missed John terribly...and Carole even more. Jason was just...Jason.
A pattern developed and John is my main SO. We have broke up a dozen times or so over the last 20 years. I still work with Carole and own half her shop. We laugh that if you don't count sleeping we spend more time with each other than our respective SO's. Carole has gone through a dozen or so men and a couple of women in the last 20 years. A few times when John and I break up, Carole and I get back togeather..though not always. I have probably lived with John about 10 of the last 21 years and Carole around 5 of those years...and Jason one year. I was deployed overseas a year and have had various schools and whatnot. I also tried to live with another woman in a very conventional relationship.
I have done a lot of soul searching over the years.
I learned that my emotional self is tied to women. I don't have nearly enough depth of feeling for a man as I do for a woman. When I break up with John I'm...irked...mad..upset but I'm not emotionally devastated. Being with him satisfies some component within me that feels that I'm not complete without a man in my life. Strangely my GG friends almost all understand that...except for the feminist "I don't need a man" types and of course my lesbian friends. Even so when we break up I'm fairly stable emotionally. I go from a four to a six, on that scale.
When Carole breaks up with me I'm devastated emotionally. I feel betrayed and have a lot of anger towards her current bf..I may have even been known to key a truck or two....And I am always there to pick up the pieces.
When my "brother" met a woman who he fell in deeply in love with and they broke up, he was close to suicidal and I was not all that far behind. I loved her too. She too had a thing for abusive men. It really makes me wonder if I attract that type when they are in the "inbetween stage".
So women are my emotional go to. I make no bones about it.
Men are my physical go to. I am satisfied physically with a woman, and no mistake. But with a man it is, or can be, much much more intense in a physical sense. Which, if we can be honest ,is just as addicting as anything else.
The really ironic thing? John is much more honest, caring, emotionally available, stable, and above all else loyal than anyone else in my life. If I had to choose between Carole, who I love with my whole heart, and John to be with the rest of my life; it would be John. Because I know at some point Carole would leave.
I hope I didn't confuse anyone.
