The case for transitioning.... or maybe not

I haven't been around here much lately but a talk with a friend recently about the 'shame' felt regarding being transgender prompted my return with some thoughts that may help someone else.

I joined this forum in May of 2016 a month after I decided to transition. At that time I was very scared but I had big plans for my transition. Full FFS and BA and then poof... I would be a woman. Yeah right.

Well things have went quickly but exactly the opposite of my plan. Physically all I have done is an orchiectomy in July, low dose estrogen due to health issues, some face injections (botox and restalyne) and I grew out my hair and got it colored and styled. That's pretty much it... physically.

I have legally changed my name my drivers license my social security all business matters etc etc. And birth certificate should be on its way - they cashed the check LOL.

What this is about is dealing with the fear. The thing we have kept a secret our entire lives. The one thing nobody can ever find out. That we are trans. Our family friends coworkers strangers. No one can find out our secret. That we sneak around on the internet. That we dress when we can hide. What kind of life is that ????? Seriously doesn't reading it sound ridiculous??

A friend that I met on this site taught me my first lesson - The first transphobe you have to overcome is yourself. Best advice ever. I have learned many lessons since that first one but it may have been the most important. I am very lucky to have a therapist that is a great fit for ME. That's the thing about a therapist it's not their name recognition or how much they cost. It's are they the right fit for YOU. It's like finding a life partner they don't have to be right for everyone just for you. If you don't have one then get one. If they aren't doing much to help you find your way then get a new one. You have to click with your therapist. Mine has helped me to learn so much. She didn't tell me she asked me. She asked me questions that helped me figure things out for myself.

Why are you afraid?? Is it the ridicule you fear might come? Loss of friends? Loss of a job? Loss of family? If you think about each one individually none should be something to fear. If family and friends love you they will still love you. If they reject you they were never really there anyway. It was conditional love. Who wants that? Your job? Do you really want to work there if they don't support you? Life is too short.

Was I scared at first? Hell yes. Do I have any regrets? Honestly NO.

Why should you be ashamed of who you are? If you are truly trans you were born this way. If you are not sure then again... talk to a therapist.

Our shame comes from societal norms that we have learned. Things such as a man in a dress is something funny. Why?? Because that is what we have learned our entire lives. Do you want to be owned by some flawed conventions that are centuries old? Be who you are. Is it hard at first YES. Do you want to hide until your life is over? I for one am glad I stopped hiding.

Is transition for everyone that has gender issues. Of course not. But if you are considering it but are afraid then ask yourself why? Is it a reasonable fear?
Courage is doing something you are afraid of but doing it anyway. And courage is usually rewarded. Good luck to anyone that was interested enough to read this. If you were then I think you have some soul searching to do. My best wishes to you.

Thank you! Need it as I continue to conquer fear one step at a time!

Good post, thanks for sharing. The hardest step for me has always been self acceptance. I'm not sure why exactly, but I have always struggled with it. I've come a long way but still need to make some progress. Guess some things just take time.

Welcome back Kym and thanks for posting that. I'm starting to realize it's the same for me...a ton of internalized transphobia.

Thank your for a great post!

Now that I have taken the decision to transition, I have come to the conclusion that the reason that it has taken so lomg (I'm 49 years old) is internalized transphobia. Despite obvious signs throughout my life, I simply could not accept being a trans. Up until now. In my case, the maturity that comes with age was what I needed.

Kymberly thank you for your insight and thoughts very much appreciated

Discussed some of this very information with my therapist during my appointment this morning.

I was fully enfemme for the first time at an appointment and she was very complementary and encouraging. It let me know that yes I CAN BE WHO I REALLY AM.

The first of many steps.

Great post!
Thank you for sharing the advice :)
It rings true with me and I'm sure, many others too.

Kimberly,
I read with some interest , when my house sale goes through I will be separating from my wife and living in my own home. My family all know it's because of my need to dress more, and integrate into the community . What transition steps I'll take then I can't truly say, going full time or thereabouts is going to take enough courage for starters . I don't think I will go back to counselling unless I go down the medication/hormone road and then they have to be involved as part of the process, unless I self medicate .

Of course the general public don't know where we are on the transition road, so they don't really know what is going through our minds and what we are truly dealing with. I'm beginning to think if they see us out we must be TS and not just a CDer , many assume they spend their time in the closet purely to deal with their sexual needs , If we are out we must be or want to be a woman .

I sincerely hope it goes well for you, and send you best wishes .

Teresa,
As evidence of your believe, about 6 weeks ago I bumped into a retired colleague while I was wearing ear rings. He immediately saw the ear rings, and said "are you getting one of those gender changes" After he complimented me on the ear rings and his wife joined in on the conversation, we caught up on the latest gossip from the office and had some laughs.

Kimberly,
Great post - insightful and encouraging.

Thanks for the nice comments I hope some found it helpful. I don't claim to have all the answers because I definitely don't but I have learned a lot in the past year.

Probably the thing I have learned the most is that it gets easier. I'm sometimes still a bit uncomfortable but not much. A year ago I was terrified. Now, just sometimes a slight bit uncomfortable.

My therapist said something to me that she meant in all seriousness but I thought the simplicity of it was hilarious. I stated - " I wonder how much longer I will be nervous in public"

Her reply - " You will be anxious until you're not anxious anymore" I roared with laughter. I was like - YEAH

But it has turned out to be true. The panic turns to fear turns to discomfort turns to just a little tug once in awhile.

Keep at it. It truly does get easier but you have to start.

Kimberly,
I guess the point about that comment is no matter how we are dressed some situations will make us anxious , going into a room full of strangers , shopping in a different supermarket.

I'm patiently waiting to experience all this , it's not getting easier but harder at the moment .

Michele,
It's becoming more confusing, I'm only separating to put distance between my wife and family and myself, now my wife has found a property nearer to home for me saying she doesn't want me too far away , I still feel it's the right thing to do , she hasn't had the backlash yet of me bumping into friends we both know and putting her in a situation of explaining my actions , that goes for my children as well . I have to form a new life and I feel it needs distance at least until the dust settles .

that post, long ago now, about the inner transphobe was helpful to me also. And together with that is the ego that thinks we're the centre of everyone else's attention. When you really get they're hardly noticing anyone else, then it eases. These days I really don't notice or think about it. Going through electrolysis means often having 3 days beard, and that does not deter me from going out. Being happy in my own skin, and focussed on my activity, I really don't even realise if someone else is having a laugh at my expense - and so what if they are?

I still don't subscribe to the need for a therapist, though it is mandatory now I'm on hrt - i guess it helps pay their bills.

Nice to hear of your news Teresa

xx Pam

I feel I accept who I am but I then put myself in other people's shoes and think about what they are going to think. I shouldn't care, but I haven't gotten over that fear. I go out regularly but I still fear what others (who I don't even know) will say or do and so I keep my head down or change the direction I'm going if a group of people are coming by. I'm working on it, but it is hard.

Kymberly,

It is great to hear that things are going well for you.

I agree, it is not a good life having to hide who you are. It is great to be able to live 24/7 as your true self.

There are a lot of fears we face in Transitioning, and they are legitimate fears. Many people have paid a heavy price for transitioning, like loss of friends, family and financial hardship. For me there was a greater fear, and that is the fear of living a life of regret. I came to realize that not pursuing transitioning could cause a lot of regret in the future. Some rationalize not transitioning as playing it safe, but often playing it safe often leads to a very unfulfilled life.

I agree courage is often rewarded.

Wish you all the best in the future.

Grace

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Originally Posted by Julie77

I feel I accept who I am but I then put myself in other people's shoes and think about what they are going to think. I shouldn't care, but I haven't gotten over that fear. I go out regularly but I still fear what others (who I don't even know) will say or do and so I keep my head down or change the direction I'm going if a group of people are coming by. I'm working on it, but it is hard.

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Julie, Each of us has different reasons for fearing transition. Loss of job, friends, family. Fear of what others will think. Fear of exposing our true-selves etc etc

For me I think mine was / is similar to yours. Some of us care more about what the rest of the world thinks than others. I regret I am one of those that do care. I envy those that don't.

That said my rhetorical question is " should we let the fear of what others think of us control our actions?" My fear is not gone but I have conquered it.