A step backwards

About a week my wife was really worked up that I had left a door open and hot air blew inside. Open for no more than five minutes. She was steaming mad. I admitted I had forgotten to close the door, and thought to myself ?so what?? and assumed she was just having a bad day. So I went out for a run (in the sticky heat - yuck) and when I came back she asked if I really wanted to know why she was angry, and of course I said yes.

She said she?s tired of me wearing bras and sleeping in nightgowns, but panties are ok. This is after she gave me my first bra years ago. I was/am devastated. This hit me without warning.

I can live without wearing bras/nighties around her, but not sharing this part of myself with her diminishes our marriage. I think this is just how it?s going to be. You all know I?m never going to stop being a cross dresser, and my marriage means a great deal to me so I?m to even contemplating separation. I guess we?re in a DADT type arrangement, and my hope of more than that is unrealistic.

So sorry to hear that your wife has draw a line you can't live with. Maybe if you let her cool down a couple of days and let her know how you feel you can come to a better compromise.

I understand your situation very well. Best of luck to you.

Very sorry this that this is the situation for you. I very much understand the devastation of a rejection like that. Lots of us have dealt with that at times but I know that isn't consolation for you.

I think I'd want to know how long and how strong her negative feelings have been going on and I'd want to know if she could articulate what motivated the change. She may not know other than that she "just doesn't like it". Her motivations may be below her conscious level of thought.

Life and marriage is complicated and crossdressing multiplies that complication exponentially for most couples I think. I hope your complications are minimal. God bless.

Considering the progress you and your wife made approximately three years ago (per your posts), this latest statement of dissatisfaction was surely a shock to you.

Before doing anything too drastic it may be wise to suggest that the two of you talk with the help of a professional counselor. It may be time to discuss the issues more deeply with an aim of some good ole fashion "conflict resolution".

Good luck.

So sorry to hear this, which is exactly what’s happened to me. Now i am back in this very dark closet and just snatching the smallest of moments to underdress and occassional dress up but no makeup etc in case i get caught. Just hurts so much. Be strong and take care.

A marriage is a partnership, and it isn't always about YOUR needs & wants, but HERS as well Are you giving her what she needs to be happy ( and I'm not being smutty here! )? Or are you totally focused on YOUR needs?

I don't know your life or marriage history, and frankly, I don't care to. Remember though, that your wife fell in love with, and married a MAN.

The following isn't directed at the OP, per se, but to CD-ers in general.

I see a lot of people here biotching about the limits and "restrictions" that wives put in place regarding crossdressing, and how "unfair" it is that they can't indulge themselves willy-nilly, whenever they feel the urge.
Do you EVER consider how the wives feel? Ever stop to consider that they might feel threatened, superfluous, or inadequate because of your fetish?

There will be a ton of people who will leap to the defense of the OP's 'right' to do as they please, regardless of the affect on the partner. But to them, I ask, what rights does the partner have?

Hi Mermaiden

I'm sorry that your wife had this reaction. Obviously, it has been bothering her for a while, hence the blow up about the open door.

However:

Quote:

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I can live without wearing bras/nighties around her, but not sharing this part of myself with her diminishes our marriage.

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It seems a little harsh to say "diminishes our marriage". It sounds like a talk is in order. Maybe she doesn't mind bras and nighties once in a while. Maybe when she gave you the first bra, she didn't realize that you wanted to wear one every day. Before you think you are in a DADT, have a heart to heart conversation without adding the emotion into it. Diminishing your marriage and contemplating a separation from a marriage that means a great deal to you sounds a bit extreme (from an outsider's point of view).

Obviously, I don't know your wife or your marriage but I hate to see this kind of conflict over clothing. Please talk to her and see how often is too often to wear bras/nighties.

Best wishes to you both.

You know, i wonder how many of us have experienced episodes like the one you describe. I would give your wife credit for at least speaking candidly about how she feels. My guess is that over the years she has tried to coax herself into being supportive and tolerant. Perhaps, she feels as my ex did - that the obsession/compulsion to dress was growing and taking away the person she had been attracted to. Its hard to argue against that.

That does not mean that you are wrong or bad for being a crossdresser, or even for wanting more freedom to express this side of yourself. However, it may be a bridge to far to expect some women to long suppress or somehow change how she reacts to a cross dressing partner. The very hard challenge is for each of you to clear-headedly assess what is important and to act accordingly.

That, I think, makes a case for regular and frank conversation. That way you can help your partner avoid jumping to disturbing conclusions and give you a path towards gaining greater trust and perhaps even greater acceptance.

Mermaiden, you are in DADT if you can't talk to your wife about your hobby. Can't you? Because if you can, like many others suggested, just talk to her. And above all, listen. Let her vent. My wife and I set boundaries and while I sometimes feel they are a constraint I also realize that these boundaries alone are already very complicated for her to cope with. This is why every time I dress I debrief with her a while after, to check if she's still okay. And when I don't dress (which is most of the time), we still have frequent discussions about it so she has a chance to vent (she also has the FAB forum to share her feelings). But that does not mean she tells me everything and I wonder if I should be more proactive in asking her how she really feels. I know she doesn't always tell me everything because she thinks it would hurt me.
It's possible your wife's boundaries have subtly changed. Or maybe you crossed them without realizing it.
Anyway, talking, and even better, listening to your wife, that can move mountains.

Simple solution. Start wearing corsets and wear slips to bed!

Mermaiden,

I read every single comment here and I agree with some and disagree with others. I think that, we before give our opinion, must read all other comments, so no redundancy (even thought it can be affirmative or reinforcement) but try to clarify things instead entangle them more.

I completely disagree with DADT, for me is hypocrisy and a relationship that started in love, the trust, the truth and freedom must be fundamental, for that reason, when I realize my thing was more than just crossdressing, I came out to my wife.

The problem I see in this web, crossdressers section, is many of you guys taken it as a hobby but that's no real. I'm not going to discuss that topic, but justva comment about, if you can't stop dressing it is not a hobby or just a "side " of you but is the way you're wired and it's impossible, in the long term, to live in the closet, and more difficult to live with someone that don't let you even talk about and worse I'd that the tools women use is to be angry, ignoring us, being mad etc. For me all that is unacceptable Ina relationship that started based on love.

So, considering all I said and other important comments about how your wife has the "right" to feel bit not to act in consequence, my opinion is this"

Think very seriously if you could live without your wife, but please, take time to do it, imagine all scenarios. At the same time, imagine how your wife feels, her reactions (women don't talk too much because they don't think asen do but they feel and feelings are stronger than thoughts and then produce thoughts, reactions etc)

You must openly talk with her about all scenarios, one scenario to consider is that you're not a crossdresser but trans woman. It take real guts to accept yourself and if that's the case for your wifenis worse so you must evaluate the action to follow...

The fundament of marriage is love so let's talk about with your wife. Btw, it can be not yours but something else that really bothers your wife, no thendoor not even you but she doesn't realize what is, so you guys need to talk openly.

To get in a DADT is the worse, when you there it's impossible to leave it.

Finally, give time to your wife but please do not stop being you, sacrifice even for love is not healthy and the rate of suicide is higher than 40% between tran people....

I'm in a full life as a woman, keep happily married with the de wife of last 42 years. Things are not the same but something still there, LOVE.

If love is not present marriage is just a convenient business, is it convenient for you? Is it convenient for her?

Do not forget, wait, wait, wait, think about it. Openly, go to a therapist but a specialist in crosdressers or tran people, not a family one. Let the things settle down, in your mind, her mind...

Mho.

Devi

She tried , but we are only seeing one side of this .. I tried too but in my situation like that I gave a little and they took 16 miles . At this point you are no longer sharing anything you are forcing something on someone and they are telling you they have had enough.

If just this alone diminishes your marriage and you are thinking about separation over it ,perhaps the kindest thing you could do would be to step out of the way and let her be with someone who doesn't do this .

Yeah I have this yoyo thing going on.

We had a huge row about 6 weeks ago. She bought me some things and I think she thought a one nighter might settle me back down and it would go out of my system like it did a few years ago.

Actually it's a can of worms. She was drunk and loved to be a part of it then but I can't be waiting for her to instigate such things and have been getting on with it since. I don't really know how to move this on further or even to the same extent with her knowledge/involvement? I guess we'll probably have another argument at some point.

C'est la vie.

If she is like most wives then just knowing your are still doing it will be enough to annoy her even if she does not see it. I would be worried about how she goes about seeking revenge; the only thing higher than the divorce rate is the frequency of cheating.

But as has been mentioned, look to your own behaviour first: have you been a good husband? Answer yourself honestly and proceed from there.