I'm coming out

Ladies,

Unfortunately for me, 57 years ago my parents mingled an X and Y chromosome to contain the soul of a woman. Fortunately, we are at a time in history, science, social consciousness and I'm at a point in my personal life that I can now decide to begin changing my body to match me.

I'm going to come out to my wife this week. I don't know how that will go. We've been married for almost 22 years. She might leave, she might stay, she might stay for a while and leave later. I don't know. If I'm guessing, she will try to stay if she can. I've worn panties everyday for the last 6 years, so, she is used to that. She has health issues and we have almost no physical relationship anymore.

I don't mean to minimize the impact. She would be sleeping next to someone who is also wearing a nightgown. I love skirts and dresses and I intend to wear them. I will go on hormones and see what changes that brings. I will change my name to Robin. And I may eventually have gender confirmation surgery.

That is a lot to take.

Fortunately, we have options. I'm a retired Army officer, 90% disabled by the VA and am a senior DoD civilian attorney. We've got a house back east where she is from that is year round but we are now using it in the summer. So, she has a place to go where her family is if she can't take this. We won't divorce. I'm not just the breadwinner, but also provide the health insurance, to include two full policies, BCBS and TRICARE and am willing to keep supporting her. She is over 60 and would be uninsurable.

I would not be upset if she decided to find another romantic partner. I'm taking away her romantic partner and she is not a lesbian. I could see her going out, but the physical aspect is not something she is all that interested in and never seemed to be. But of course, that would be none of my business. I've made this choice and she has the right to find the life she wants.

Anyway, this is a huge step. I've made an appointment with a therapist to talk it over with. I do have a 14 YO son that lives with us. He is the kind of kid that began boycotting both Chick Fil A and Hobby Lobby over their positions on LGTBQ issues. He will be shocked but I think he will be accepting.

I don't see any way forward for me other than to come out. All those things the held me back like military service are now gone. I can afford to transition. For my own mental and spiritual health, I need to start becoming Robin.

I thank you for listening. Wish me luck.

Robin

Good luck and prayers are with you for a smooth landing. Thank you for your service too!

Good luck Robin.

I?m in a similar situation and have recently told my wife and children that I will be transitioning. I?ve been married for over 26 years and am 45, but like you, can?t continue as I have been.

Best of luck with your wife.

Hugs
Natalie x

good luck Robin, there is help in the most unlikely places

Thank you, Ladies. I just wrote the email that I'm going to send to explain things. I think it is better for her to read it and then discuss rather than hear it right from me.

Robin

Robin,
I hope it goes well for you but no one is forcing anything take it at your own pace . I'm sure you realise you will be taking steps back as well as forward .

Personally I would have written your story down and had a face to face talk , at least you could have backed up what you had to say with a written version , sending an Email is a little like going in the back door , she may not be too happy with your way of approaching a really difficult situation .

I might also suggest you don't make too big a thing of your opening statement . My mother is 90 but still has all her marbles , just after I separated she asked me who's decision was it to part , I told her it was a mutual agreement and let it slip that is was about my situation . She was OK with the explanation but two days later she rang slightly distressed , saying she felt guilty , it was her fault because I'd told her I was born like it . I tried my best to reassure her it was no one's fault , our wiring is just a little different and nothing anyone could do about it or put the blame on .

Hi Teresa,

Thank you for the advice. I wrote it out because after 22 years, I know that this is the way to approach her if something is emotionally difficult. She is better if she has time to think when she learns something so that she can process it and then have a discussion. I'm doing it this way based on my personal knowledge of her and not because it is easier for me. It isn't. I won't be there to gauge the reaction.

Robin

Robin,
There is no easy way round this problem , I hope it works out for you , as you say you know your wife and decided it was the best option .

Please PM me if you wish to chat more , this the strength of the forum being able to talk with people in the same situation .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brookes4242

Thank you, Ladies. I just wrote the email that I'm going to send to explain things. I think it is better for her to read it and then discuss rather than hear it right from me.

Robin

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OMG! Nooooooo! At the very least, prepare her for what is to come.

Imagine if you got an email from your wife out of the blue, and she related how she has always felt that she was a Lesbian, and wrote about her feelings and desires.

IMO, emails are the 21st century version of a "dear John" letter. The cowards way of facing a difficult crossroad.

I sincerely hope for the best for you, but do not be surprised if your wife responds with hurt, hate, and anger.

Hi Robin,

I hope all goes as well as it can.

Good luck
Natalie

If it is not too late, consider telling your wife that you have sent her a very important, serious email that you would like to discuss when she is ready. At least when it pops up in her inbox, it will not be as much of a shock.

I'm in agreement with Jodie Lynn and Laura. It's a very important conversation and an e-mail seems (to me) pretty cold.

I hope it goes well for you.

Hi Robin,
I found myself in a similar position as you did about five years ago. I just could not continue living as a man and yet I had a wife I loved dearly and two children, one who was 10 the other 12 at the time, whom I could not imagine living without. It was incredibly difficult to come to this decision but at the time I was so unhappy with my life as a man that I knew of no other way to turn my life around. Now five years later, and with a lot of conversations with my wife and children we are closer than we have ever been. I am now living as my true self and have never been happier. I believe that what is important now is for you to talk openly and honestly with your wife and son. I agree with some of the other ladies that, in my humble opinion, an email is not a great idea but then you are the only one here who knows your wife. Do make sure though that you follow up the email with a lot of conversations where you openly and honestly answer all the questions she will have for you. Give her the opportunity to be a part of your new journey and the likelihood of her remaining in your life will increase significantly in my opinion. The fact that she has not left you despite your wearing panties tells me that she loves you the human being more than she loves you the man in her life. I think with some work your family does not have to dissolve. HRT brings on many desirable changes but is unlikely to change your sexual orientation. Hence it is unlikely that you will suddenly find yourself drawn to men if you have not been drawn to them yet. Also there are many other ways to find intimacy with a spouse who is not lesbian. My wife is not but our marriage is as strong as ever even without the sex. Very recently when I was in the hospital for my gender reassignment surgery she was by my side from the moment I was taken into surgery, she was there when I woke up and there every single day to support me. She was my rock. Give your wife the chance to be there for you. Transitioning does not mean your marriage has to end. Talking is key as is honesty and openness. Also do not expect her to be onboard with everything right away. Give her time to process changes and do make her a part of the transition.
All the best of luck with your transition. I think that making that decision is by far the most difficult part. Everything else is a bit easier and hopefully at the end of the tunnel you will find the happiness that you deserve.

Hi everyone and thank you for your responses. I didn't send her the email. When I wrote that and thought it was a good idea, it was after working 17 hours and getting only 1:19 of sleep because I was so keyed up by all of this. No, I sat her down and talked to her. Her response? She does not believe that people can be transgendered. I am just confused and she would do some research. She did her research and declared that I'm a crossdresser and she isn't okay with that either.

Yeah, it was just like that. I've assured her that I know what I am and I've always felt this way. I think I'll start a new post to continue with the rest.

Robin, I wish you the best in your journey. I can't give advice because I'm a baby in this world but so far I've done OK. With my wife of 40 years keep living together but together, not just under the same roof.
It hasn't been easy but my purpose is to kill to birds with a shot, keep her and be myself, so I've done concessions as well she has done too while I slowly move in my transition.
I'm now 60 years old as your wife, year and a half on HRT.
What is my key? Always to appeal to our love. Why would a couple live 40 years together over passing so many adversities as to come to live to a different country around 20 years ago? Our sexual life still active, not the same but several things contribute to do this less often, age, my own different reactions to sex, etc but thi is not the base of our relationship, it never was.

Our youngest son is 32 years old, then other of 34, and the oldest of 36, all married guys, and even thought it was a surprise, they don't complain.
I never count on negative results, in other way, I've lost some battles but still winning the war, so I always look for the positive results and despite the negatives and keep on the move. This life is just one and I don't think that our life, as transgenders, would be easier living alone.
Robin, I wish you the best and ask me whatever here or pm if you want.
My humble opinion.

Devi

Dear Robin ... I can only wish you well on your journey forward. be you. Be courageous. Love the world. Many heartfelt hugs and support from ... a parent who loves their trans kid to the moon and back.

Robin, best wishes and prayers! Hugs Lana Mae