I have a plan

I place myself very much along the transgender spectrum, for me I dress as part of me identifies, and has for as long as I can remember, as female. I don't dress simply because I like the clothes, (I do, I really like the clothes), but I dress to identify, to myself, as me. This self awareness happened at the age of four and since then, I have regularly dressed as the girl that I feel that I am, at least in part. Well, no, there are not two of me, there is one of me and that whole is both male and female.

But when I dress, and I don't always fully dress, I stay inside, I don't go out, I don't mix in the world. I ask myself what is the biggest thing that is stopping me from going outside as I want, and wearing the same as I wear inside? The answer that I come back with is, fear. Fear of what though? Can I determine what that fear is?

I think that it is fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, just plain and simple fear of people laughing at me. Yes, it's a big fear. It makes the door an impenetrable barrier. Buit, and here's a strange thing, this fear, isn't a fear of people knowing that I wear ladies clothes, it's a fear of them seeing me in ladies clothes.

I have told how over the past year I have come out to a few people (the jeweller yesterday for example), I have started using (male) changing rooms in shops, I have started wearing ladies jeans, all with no problem or concern. I know, it's strange, I can go into a branch of Marks and Spencer (or any of many other shops), I can happily browse the women's wear department, including the lingerie department, I can take a skirt, a top or a dress to the changing rooms, I can say to the assistant that I would like to try the things on, I can go into a cubicle and try them on behind the closed door and yet I would be mortified should anyone actually see me. I'm not bothered that they know as long as they can't see. Yes, I know that it's strange.

So I've decided that I need to counter this. This will not so much be a case of getting others to accept me, it's more a case that I need to accept myself and in that, to accept that it just doesn't matter. What matters is me, being me.

Today, as I reflected back on my trip out yesterday, I had an idea. A way that I think will work for me, a way that I can go from only dressing inside, to dressing however I want, wherever I am.

I have read many times on here that for some it's a case of all or nothing, they either have to dress wholly as a woman, with hair, makeup, dress and shoes, or they feel that it's not worth the effort. I've never been a total dresser as I dress for me because of who I am. I am happy, dressed as I am, ready for my office job. But I'm wearing comfy slippers and not shoes, and I don't have any makeup on. So, for me, partial dressing and no makeup dressing, works ok for me.

And so I have developed my plan and at the end of this plan, when I have worked it through, then yes, I will be happy to go out dressed, maybe fully dressed with hair, makeup and shoes, but also, and probably more often with an androgynous look, a mixing, a matching, a meeting in the middle look.

I put this plan into action this lunchtime and I'm just back from a walk around the local country park.

I work from home, remote IT support and development, and I dress in office wear most days. I tend to have chores to do at lunchtime, and up until now, I've got changed, recently in ladies jeans, but essentially into boy clothes. Today, I was slightly different, I kept on my underwear, I kept on my ladies top, I kept on my ladies V-neck jumper, I put on ladies jeans, over my tights, I didn't wear socks. I wore my big coat and normal boots, but the thing is that I went out dressed (save the boots and coat) wholly in ladies clothes. I drove to the country park and had a pleasant half an hour walking around the lake, saying "Good afternoon" to the dog walkers and others that I passed. It was a warm day and so I had the coat unzipped. Yes, a V-neck jumper is a fairly unisex thing, and the top is plain but has a high neck as whilst it probably wouldn't survive a close look it wouldn't particularly scream women's wear to you. But, I had it on, I was outside.

So the big question is, what happened to me as I walked around the lake, passing the time of day with the others out for a stroll? Of course, as many or you will know, nothing happened, nothing at all. It was just a walk around the lake, as I have done many times before. But it was me and I was wearing ladies clothes and I was outside. And that's actually quite a big step.

As I walked around the lake my plan evolved and began to take shape. Having been out once then I can go out again, and again, and I can do so wearing whatever I want. And I shall, and as time goes on, I can change what I wear so that it becomes a little more girly. I can look for a coat, an outside jacket type thing, but it can be a ladies one, not a men's one. I can look for a pair of suitable shoes and they can be ladies shoes. And this way, over time I can gradually add to what I am wearing and get used to being outside. And when the winter fully hits I can get myself one of those girly bobble hats that I quite like. Then, maybe, in the future I can pick other places, a cafe or such like where there will be other people around. At some point I can introduce my forms and when I am noticed, when I am read, then it won't matter because I'll have been out many times and this will simply be how I dress when I go for a lunchtime wander. And the end point for all this will be when I'm happy being out and about dressed as I happen to be dressed and not really knowing or caring if it's a male presentation, a half and half presentation or a full female presentation. At the end of the day, it will just be me, being me, and based on my experience today, as I wandered around the lake, for the first time outside (more or less) fully dressed in ladies clothes (and with no safety blanket to fall back on), I could see that it's possible and it will work for me.

Charlotte, congrats on a huge step and realization! Get out when you can! My "male" mode has been changed to "natural" mode! No wig, no forms, and no make up but all women's clothes! Being dressed and out is so exciting the first few times! It is even better when it becomes a part of normal! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

Oh Charlotte Charlotte how it warms my heart to read your post my friend :) :) :) (one smilie face just wasn't enough). You need no advice from me, you are well on the way with a perfect plan and what can stand in the way of a woman with a plan? Oh and you would love my new pom pom hat, roll on winter :)

Daisy

Hi Charlotte
Great plan

It sounds like a perfect example of each smaller step making it easier to take the next, slightly bigger, step. I expect that a lot of us followed a similar path.

Fran

Congrats on the progress, Charlotte!

It’s been said before that self confidence while dressing in public makes the biggest impact. The more comfortable you are the more “normal” it will be for others who see you. Bonus points- you will also be helping the CD/TG community by being confidently out and making it more common/accepted for society!

Charlotte,
It's simply a matter of keep taking those steps , every time the fear becomes less and you gradually move into a comfort zone . As you know it's been all or nothing from the start of this year , I do believe it was helped a great deal by going out socially .]
Everyday still has some sort of challenge for me . Today I had an appointment to meet the the letting agent for a small property I own , she was going to point out repairs that the tenant had requested . I waited for a few moments and then asumed that the tenant was out and she may have already entered the property so I rang the door bell , instead of her answering the door the tenant opened it , I had been hesitant about him knowing about my TG background but there I stood fully dressed . Neither of us had a problem so we checked out the items he wanted repairing , I told him to call me Terri or Teresa , I left after chatting with him for a few minutes . My next stop was Travis Perkins , I haven't done a builders merchant so far but again the yard men were fine , I got my rolls of insulation and headed to the busy sales desk to get them checked out , had a bit of fun with the SAs and other customers without any problems .

So what was I wearing ? A dark blouse worn under a red cardigan , a pair of black boot cut trousers with 2" ankle boots , a warm jacket with a scarf and my black leather handbag slung over my shoulder . Tomorrow , I need to go to the supermarket and pay a visit to Boots to buy some makeup items . Naturally I'm wearing makeup and my wig .

The fear of the endless possibilities that are trapped inside your head do gradually go when you realise they are mostly false fears , eventually you don't need to have a dressing plan but it's a good idea to make one for a start to settle the nerves . The only presentation that concerns me is as Teresa , I'm so comfortable because it is the real me .

Hi Charlotte

I was so pleased to read your post and that you have experienced the wonderful feeling of being out and about, just being you. I am one of those you describe who prefers to go the whole nine yards in order to venture out. This is not because I would otherwise think it not worth the effort but just because that's what I'm comfortable with. You have worked out a plan that works for you and that's great. Your approach is very honest and courageous and I applaud it. I look forward to hearing more adventures :)

Rachel

Sounds like a great plan! I know my first going outs was eye opening for me. Dressing when working from home meant barefoot so I really lacked in appropriate shoes for outings. Good to have a plan, but adjust accordingly if you discover knew things about your dressing.

I totally want a flared pea coat, got any ideas on what coat you are thinking about?

Your plan sounds perfect. Congratulations on getting out. If I don't go out completely en femme, I often wear panties, women's boot cut jeans and t-shirt, and women's sneakers in male mode. No one has ever noticed, but it feels great!

Terrific plan, Charlotte! I am so proud of you for mustering your courage!

Sami

Charlotte,
That's sounds like a great plan.. It is pretty much exactly what I did, only I didn't work at home, I worked in an office. During my lunch hour, I'd drive to a very quiet road, strip and put on my bra and forms, dress, high heels, and wig. I'd then drive to park near by, eat my lunch on a bench, walk around a bit, get back in the car, changing back to my male garb as I drove. I learned how to unfasten my bra with one hand while driving. My clothes went back into the trunk as I headed back into the office. No one knew.
One question, if you work from home, why can't you be fully dressed?
Anyway, keep up the plan. I'm sure you will get where you want to be very soon.
Elsie

You found a plan that works for you and that is a good thing so we are all proud of your accomplishment.
Now getting over the fear you have seems like a doable thing and that the fear is in your head and its not the rest of the world but a fear you yourself put in your head.
Fear of being called gay I am sure is one that still bothers you right?

Sounds like you have a good plan. As far as being laughed at goes, it probably won't happen. I've been laughed at a few times (out of hundreds of outings) and it won't kill you. Mostly I find myself getting extremely irritated with the person for their rudeness. I won't give an inch to rudeness. I just look the person in the eye and scowl.

All journeys start with the first step, whatever type of step that is for the individual, but that very step is usually the hardest for people like us. Once you have made it, there is no looking back. Congratulations on your first foray in to the outside world.

You have heard it before, the more you do it the easier it becomes. :-)

I like your progress.

HI Charlotte,
I am very happy for you unsticking yourself! The way I read your post, you have let go of the passing or conforming standard and realized that people seeing you in women's clothes actually doesn't result in shaming. So you are going to try to just dress as you please, makeup or not, whatever feels genuine at the moment.

I am glad that you took the plunge and found, as so many of us have, that it takes all of 1 second for most people to decide to be tolerant and to realize that our wearing a dress or makeup or wig doesn't really affect the business at hand. I feel that the average person appreciates people being clear and making a personal statement, even if it contrarian, as long as it is not done in an intimately challenging way.

See you out there!

OK, ummmmmm, the one thing you need is something what you already have. Confidence, just be as you normally are. I believe you will find it is easier than you think.

I know it sounds like something from OZ. As one of my smallest friends would say “for reals”.

I do the mixed up thing, but I find that most people treat me better when I’m in full girl mode. I think it shows I’m committed, or maybe that I should be committed.

What can I say I'm a work in progress, as we all are, that is unless you are perfect.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and indicating that I seem to be on a more or less sensible path.

Needless to say I've been thinking about this since I put the post up, and before that too, actually I've been thinking about this for the last 50 years and I find, merely typing this as I sit here, a cathartic moment. I suppose, saying these things here is in reality the first step on the journey, the first venturing beyond the front door, albeit in this case, into a supportive virtual world and not a potentially hostile real world. You support here really is appreciated.

I think that I have come to a more settled position as to where my fears come from, and they're not all fears, but they do play an important part into how I currently live and how I have lived and dealt with me for a very long time. It cuts to my very being, of who I am, how I see myself and how others (both those who know me, and those who don't) see me.

When I first realised that I was, that I am different, it was massively important to me. This was the crux of a discussion that I had with a friend who I came out to earlier this year. They had fallen into the trap of thinking that very young children could not decide for themselves that they are trans, and that they must be succumbing to some external influence. He arbitrarily picked on the age of 7 as being the onset of trans, and yet I was able to show, that in my case, with no external stimulus (that I have ever been aware of) I developed this self knowledge that I was part girl. I suppose it coincided with me starting at nursery school where I mixed with larger numbers of girls and also it was the time that I really became aware that there are girls and boys and that girls and boys are different and that I identified as being a girl. My biggest fear at this time was having that taken away from me. So I took the only course of action that I could take which was to bury it, and bury it deeply, so deeply that I knew it was there, I could be how I wanted to be inside, but show no sign of it externally. From that age, let's say around 5 years of age until I was 23 years old I told nobody, I discussed it with nobody. I started cross dressing but always in private and told nobody. Of course, I'm not unusual in any of this, there will many here who have a similar life history.

Fifty years is a long time to live a life in one particular way. If you have consistently presented to the world in one particular way, to change that is not easy. It's really quite a big step to make. And this extends to those you meet on the other side of the door. The general public, they're probably the easiest to deal with as most you meet fleetingly as you pass by, like ships that pass in the night that never meet again, so what they think doesn't really matter as they play no part in my life. Then there are those who know me, or know me as I've presented to them every since they have known me, and that could be for most of those 50 years. They have a mental image of me, I am the beer swilling, rugby playing, potholer from my college days. I am the archer, I am the photographer, I am the birdwatcher, I am all of these things and more, but in all of these things I am Andrew (not my real name) and I am male. Back when I was in college they didn't know that after representing the college on the various playing fields, after raucous post match festivities that I went back to my digs ans slept in a nightie. They didn't know that when I was sat at my desk churning out essay after essay that I did so in a skirt. No they knew none of it then and know none of it now.

So, when I step out of that door, when I come across these people for the first time, it will be a shock for them, and also a shock for me. Lifelong friendships will have to be reset and yes, I know, some will not survive, and yet I need to do this, and in needing to do this, I need to to it fully. I can't tell some and not others, I can't expect other people to keep my secrets for me, that's my burden to carry, not theirs.

I think that what I'm saying here is that what I want to do, where I want to be is massive journey. I have to change the way that I live and have lived all my life, I have to go from deeply secretive to wholly open. I have to let people who have known me, some for decades that the person that they have known all these years is actually someone completely different. And that is a very big step to take.

This then is the nub of it all, this then is where I am and where I want to get to. Wrapped up somewhere in these (hopefully coherent) morning ramblings is where I have been, where I am now, and most importantly, where I want to get to. This is why I have formulated my plan, so that I can knock down each of these obstacles, slowly, in my own time, brick by brick. But knowing I have a whole load of people here behind me, people who know exactly what I am going through and what this means to me, is very important and I thank you all for it.

Well that's a mouthful! So happy you're here to share! I expect there will be challenges, but there is nothing better than being an authentic person. I believe there are many aspects to this, the roles we choose, the roles others chose for us, how many of these we accept and how deeply, etc. etc.


Small piece of advice that might help you make those steps you want to take (what ever steps you are choosing). Say it out loud. Right now, you are musing over how good it feels just to type the words. Next (if you haven't done so already), say the words out loud. To yourself, to your divinity, to the universe. Yes, there's pop self help techniques that go on about affirmations and all, but I'm talking about simply saying a thing out loud, even if no one but you is there to hear it. It is a decided action in doing it and hearing it. I believe that words have power and saying a thing out loud puts it out there in a way that no other form does. In becomes, even if in a very small way, a kind of truth if you earnestly believe the thing you are saying. It can give you just a small dose of courage to manifest the things you are saying.


With love, Macey

Charlotte,
Is the crux of all this actually deciding how much you want or need it , deciding truthfully what label really describes you and then finding ways to make it work ? Obviously the burning need to step out the door comfortably to try and integrate isn't going away after all these years , you now know it has to happen . Truthfully accepting that is a big step , I admit when it comes to people on your own doorstep , that is family and good or old friends is when the problems do arise . I'm afraid you find out who your good friends are and who have possibly been playing you along , it is a sad fact that good long term friends have let me down , so that is the point when you have to decide will they make a difference if they weren't there .

The question is once out the door which state will you be happier in , which one is more important or gives you more enjoyment ? It's a no brainer for me Teresa wins hands down ! I just hated today having to get my haircut in male mode although the lady who cut it was sympathetic as she met me dressed when I booked my appointment .

I guess the final question is how does it work out with your wife/partner , how committed will she let you be and how supportive when meeting old friends and other members of the family ?

Nice post Charlotte, yes it's little steps sometimes, but ultimately you realise nobody is looking as they probably have their face in their Mobile Telephone. & the more you wear the more passing you are & the better & more wholesome the experience.

Good luck with your future outings. UK?

-D-

Charlotte,

Thank you. That was wonderful to hear. It is a wonderful story and it is a great plan.

Anne