Changing attitudes one person at a time

So a previous poster talked about the potential for a TV show to get crossdressing out in the mainstream. While well intended, I don't think we'll ever be accepted based on a show...although I wish it was that easy!

Instead, it's gonna happen one person at a time. So long as we are closeted and never talk to anyone about it, crossdressing will remain suspicious, weird and regulated to the closet and the butt of jokes. We're going to have to talk to people about it, and a mass media message won't work...in fact, it'll likely backfire.

So this means we get to stretch outside our comfort zone. I read Isha's post a while back about talking to a group of guys at a coffee shop, and how she likely changed their attitudes from fairly hostile to at least understanding. Those interactions will have to happen, or we'll continue being the butt of jokes forever.

I know that personally I've interacted with lots of people, mainly at Lane Bryant and Goodwill. They see me buying women's clothes, and I've stopped bothering to make excuses for it. What's funny is after the initial shock is over (all of 10 seconds) people tend to ask lots of questions, and they appreciate you answering them. Heck, I've found the women really enjoy being able to talk about the issues they have with clothing, and almost always the interaction is positive. I'd like to think that I've made it easier for the next crossdresser to not get harassed when she goes to buy clothes.

Now, I'm not a fool: not everyone can do this. I personally can't tell people at work because of my job. Sure, we can all say "Be completely open with everyone!", but I honestly think that is crap. You have to be careful, and not everyone can be open at all times. But I'd encourage you, WHEN you have those interactions (and you will, trust me), be a good representative of the crossdresser community. Many people think crossdressers are creeps, but when they talk to one that is normal, it challenges their assumptions and in many cases makes them think otherwise. Plus, now when someone makes a remark later, that person won't immediately laugh, and may even say "Well, actually I met a crossdresser and she wasn't like that..."

You counter a message with a message.
The current message is "Crossdressing men are weird, they aren't normal, and they're creeps."
Counter it with "I'm a crossdresser, I'm normal, I'm not a creep, in fact I'm a fairly decent citizen. I work a job like you, have a family, and care about the same things you do. In every way I'm like you, but I happen to enjoy dressing up in women's clothes. Are you going to sideline me because of that?"

I'm willing to bet that over time, the answer to the latter piece will frequently become "no."

hi jennifer,
not exactly the sign waving TG spokes person of the year but i too have stopped making excuses while out purchasing items and interacting with SAs in the stores, and your right when you say after the initial shock many spring into action and sometimes ive thought overcompensated in the degree of service offered, i really miss the fashion bug chain, yet to try on clothes but ive returned items that did not fit well.
buying makeup seems to be the easiest thing for to me for some reason, and have caught folks whispering while i look through the inventory of items available. they could be talking about anything i suppose?
during conversations i speak up to folks who mention something off-color in a remark and advise them someone in my family is TG, which happens to be myself but they dont need to know that.
so yes i agree it will take time, but one person at a time, slow and steady wins the long race....

Proving who we are as a person to others remains the best way to foster a new outlook on us as a community.:)

Great thought Jennifer. I completely agree and I try my best to live that way.

One person at a time. It's like the old almond marketing line, "A can a week is all we ask."

We should modify that somehow to be a new cross dresser theme. Something like "A conversation a week about cding with a non-cd is all we ask."

Too wordy, maybe somebody else can come up with something catchier. :)

I agree with most if this Jennifer I too have come to the conclusion when I'm out shopping for my clothes I have no problem saying the clothes are for me, I've yet to have such an interaction but Im not going to lie about it.
I doubt we will change a lot of minds but we just have to be honest about it and when out don't make it weird and it won't be.

Couldn't agree more with your philosophy Jennifer, totally fits within the "be the change you want to see in this world" idea. From now on I'll try not to mutter some stupid excuse when buying clothes or makeup, just a frank, gentle "yes" with a smile when asked if it's for me ! Thanks again for this insightful call to action :)

I like your approach and your message. I try to do the same thing when I am out.

From my experience with religious folks, though, there is nothing that will affect the comdemnation of GLBT. One man, who has blasted crossdressing and homosexuality, , a friend said, works with one, and they have become almost friends, but he says hate the sin, but lover the person, so he still will never accept CDing, either. All one can do is like Jennifer says, is show you are a decent responsible person.

Hey Jennifer :) I really want to say so much about this but I feel I'll get blasted for my views, and misunderstood as normal! I've worked so hard over the past few years trying to show people that crossdressing is fine, its ok. And not freaky or creepy, and what your seeing is just a person in a different form - from what is normally percpived of that gender for what ever that persons reason are for doing it.
Its naturally going to be about breaking down the stereotypes of the prespection - making the fearfully comfortable with a man dressed as a women for example. I try to break the spell and myths regularly in my arty farty videos and comedy. And saying even with in my crossdressing comedy shows its just makeup get over it...! The response over the last year has been amazing and people of all walks of life have enjoyed my honest but yet quirky appoarch to this dilemma. I found that comedy holds much value and laughter or poking fun at oneself gains control and respect from others.
Sometimes we must take the power from others and use it to our advantage...
As a crossdresser I always bear one thing in mind - With out love and the fun - I'm just a man in a dress with a wig on...
As He-Man once said "I HAVE THE POWER!!!"

Much lOve and peace and Oh look shiny things... :)

Jennifer, I like your approach. You're right about having normal interactions with people (talking about clothes, the weather, etc.) and being able to answer their questions in a reasoned way. I don't think that preaching or protesting is the way to go. Civil conversations and interactions like you describe are a great start. Even if we don't change people's opinions by 180 degrees in a single conversation, those friendly, casual conversations (or an extended discussion like Isha had when the questions kept coming) will go a long way toward helping the average person understand and eventually accept what we do. Yes, there are some who will always be haters and condemn us, but if we start with the typical sales clerk, restaurant patron, or neighbor all of us can have an impact.
Consider what happened with the gay community. I don't believe it was legislation or gay pride parades that helped most people accept them, whether in their family, their neighborhood or workplace. Rather, it was getting to know people who were openly (or somewhat open) in day to day lives over the course of years, and we came to realize they were normal in the same ways that we were, except for their sexual preference. As you say, one person at a time.

Hi Jennifer I have to agree with all you say but your counter message is so true !
I did photography for thirty years CDing didn't make me weird or creepy with my customers, in fact I probably interacted better them. Not once did I get a bad response from parents when I handled the kids during a portrait sitting and I think I handled and respected people better at weddings and other social events, OK so I did think sometimes wow what a fantastic dress, but I never acted effeminate, I was a nice guy doing his job to the best of his ability.

I agree with part of what you say, but disagree that "only face to face" contact will make the difference. Getting people in the general public to accept that we exist, begin to realize that we are not going away and actually may be a greater part of the population than they may realize, like their friendly and trusted neighbor next door, and then eventually tolerate and hopefully accept us as a true human beings with the same rights that hey have is going to take more than just those face to face encounters. It will take media reports and special interest stories, confrontations, protests where necessary, inclusion in mainstream media from television programs, to talk shows to movies and everywhere else.

I am out there in the real world 2-3 times a week and inevitably end up in long conversations with complete strangers. Though their may be short periods where we discuss what I do and why, most of that conversation is no different than other conversations talking about sports, movies, weather, some politics, little religion, restaurants and life in general. This is where I agree with you in that the immediate effect on that stranger to the "T" world is much more direct, positive and effective to our overall cause, "We are normal human beings like you who just happen to enjoy, or need to, present as the opposite gender". The more that we are out there in real life and in the media the faster things will improve.

Looking at our gay and lesbian cousins, that is how they got to be where they are today. It is all about educating th public, introducing us as a real though minority part of life.

I agree with Allie, and said as much in the other thread. I don't think anyone is disagreeing with anyone here. There is no one silver bullet. Everything and anything that presents us as normal, everyday and non threatening is a piece of the same process moving the ball forward.

I think I am doing my best to carry the message. I am out in the world once or twice a week and when the situation merits I try to be open with people. I have also came out to many friends and family as transgendered. Most have been at least cordial about it. My wife has a step son from her precious marriage. We have been very close with him over the years. My wife felt like she wanted to share our struggle with him and I said sure. She was sure he would struggle with my transformation. I was not sure. He reacted with joy and was so proud of me for coming clean. Once again fear was misguided. I am not naive to think everyone will be accepting. However, when we can we need to give people a chance to grow and love us as we are!
Suzanne

I totally admire those of you who do go out and interact with folk... I'm sure you generally leave a good impression and there are some great examples of where that has happened and a positive message has been left. I'm confident that everyone tries to pitch the normal, decent, positive aspects of who we are as individuals... and long may you do it, and win your conversions of muggles one by one.. but (and you knew there was a but coming...)

But - muggles do respond in unexpected ways: to our face they may be polite and accepting but that may not be so when our back is turned... Isha's example of the observer 'trailing in her wake' was a great example of this - which is why some broader mass message is also needed. Probably because we are so few and far between, normal folk need a point of reference to help them understand what we're about... It scares me silly (and I know it does others, too) that if my wife ever looked for resources about CDers on the web the vast majority of sites are just not like this one! And unfortunately they do seem to represent the greater numbers in the world for whom this isn't a gender expression but is a sexual oriented pursuit and normal folk would see that as 'creepy'... (please note - I'm not making a judgement here personally - just saying how I see normal folk reacting..)

So broader education is important as well - in the same way that education supported the individual actions of the LGB community, it would help us no end in having that reference point for muggles.

Jennifer - I should say as well, I do like and admire your approach and attitude... it's great that you can get out there and do those moments of good for all of us... :hugs:

Katey x

It works perfectly well with strangers, they can see the comedic element, unlike relatives.

I interact with the public daily. I've shopped in male and female mode. I never had any problems. Once while in male mode a cashier complimented me on a rose colored blouse I selected. Educating a person one to one is the more effective way, I believe. Media, you only reach a limited audience. Also tv and media is all about ratings rather than educating and uplifting people. I have seen when the topic went astray from what it was supposed to be.

Kitty, Your comedy approach is a good idea, too! One of the rare times i was out, I went to several stores, on Holloween, and opened up to girls working in the dollar store, and grocery store, and some men in line heard me poking a little fun at myself. It really loosened me up from my uptight nervousness, and fear., that night. I MADE NO DOUBT I WAS CROSSDRESSING .

It's not WHAT one is wearing. Or IF they pass. Or if they are "trying" to pass. It's how one acts and TREATS people.

The fly in the ointment here is that many go out before they are ready.

No one is ready to go out till Guilt and Shame are no longer part of the CDing equation.

Education and ONLY education will allow this.

I forgot to add about Sean Bean's performance as a cross-dressing teacher... Now thats an interesting watch...!

I totally agree with Jennifer.
Thats the way I try to educate people as well one on one.

That has been my attitude for the last twenty years. Make my revolution one person at a time.

Hi Jennifer,

A great stance and one I try to do when out and about as Isha. I don't go looking but if the opportunity presents itself and the person (people) are willing I will educate. Yes, people are surprised to find out that under all the trappings we are just average folks living our lives.

Hugs

Isha

Well said, Jennifer! Your last paragraph is especially spot on. I try to be an ambassador for that message by presenting the best "dude in a dress" that I can. My outfits are modest, well fitted and age appropriate. My aim is to be tasteful, hold my head high and OWN IT! I am hoping for two things. One, to show the general public that CD's are not creeps,, as you say. The other is that I get seen by a closeted CD who is then encouraged to uncloset himself/herself a bit more.