A second coming out to my wife
So I had a therapy session today, and told my therapist that I'm feeling MUCH more positive and much less anxious about transitioning. (An ironic effect of the antianxiety medicines I'm taking - I'd hoped for the opposite, that I'd realize that these thoughts and feelings were symptoms of some other mental illness.)
My wife asked me what my therapist and I talked about - if my therapist had any opinions about me "going too fast." I dissembled and didn't do a very effective job of deflecting the question, and my wife called me on it.
So I told her the truth: That I feel a lot better, I'm not having suicidal thoughts, but I'm also a LOT more positive about transition. I don't like being a guy. I want to be a woman. I don't know exactly what form that will take - but I know what direction I must travel, anyway. This was no particular surprise to her - she's always felt that I was kidding myself about trying to find some middle-path.
I hated telling her all this, even though she already knew it. I feel like I'm made out of razor blades, and everytime I approach her, I cut her to ribbons. It's just awful.
We'll see where this goes - although one place it isn't going is to bed. Our intimate times together are probably over for good. She just can't feel that way about me anymore. Maybe that will change - I asked her to talk to her therapist, and to see if it would help for us to meet with a counselor as a couple.
She saw a silohoutte of me dressed today. She peeked in on me in my office. She didn't see much, and she didn't want to see more, but she didn't break down in tears either. So maybe she'll be able to tolerate seeing me dressed at some point.
It'll be a while before I'm ready to go 24/7. At that point, if she can't handle it, I'll have to move I guess. (Maybe before then.) Sure, it'd be nice to not wear male clothes around the house, but I'll put that off for as long as possible, and present as male for her for as long as I can stand it. I'm thinking it'll be quite some time before I can't stand it - months and months. I don't really see it as being even really necessary until I've been on HRT for quite some time, and it'll be a while before I am able to start that.
I told her that I'd be happy to tell the kids whenever she's ready to deal with that. She wants to wait a few months, until after our oldest son's wedding. So that means I won't come out to others in my family, or my close friends, for a while. That is kind of a drag - I'm ready to tell my family.