Getting dressed to go out in a DADT marriage

When I first started going out, my daughter had moved into her own apartment, and my wife was spending weeks at a time out of town.

That gave me plenty of opportunities to be out and about and dress at home. I might cover my top and wait until I was out of the neighborhood before I put on my wig, but other than that, I was fully dressed.

When my wife stopped going out of town, I had to go to Plan B. I had searched out parking lots and garages as businesses that were mostly empty, and would park there to change. A lot of time, we would meet at a hotel, and I would find a bathroom to change in. I preferred family restrooms, but would often go into the men's or women's restroom and change in one of the stalls.

Eventually, I met a CD friend whose wife was supportive. I could change in one of her extra bedrooms. She and her wife moved out of town a year and a half ago.

After that, I would make arrangements with my wife for her to go out for a couple of hours while I changed. Now, I've made some good GG friends at a local consignment store. I buy a lot of clothes there and they let me try on clothes there just like any GG, even if I'm shopping in male mode. They will also let me use one of the changing rooms, or the back storeroom to change before events.

I'm posting this as a public service to help girls in a DDT marriage to find alternate places to change, if they can't change at home.

I recently posted about a resource for just this situation that has existed in Seattle for like 20 years. If you live in or near a major city, there might be one there too

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...gets-a-remodel

That sounds like she must know about it and give you your space so that borders on something more than DADT. If she doesn't know why you were sending her out of town and going places.all the time by yourself which I presume involves cooking up alibis then you are a master of stealth.

My DADT precludes making any online purchases because she pays the bills and would question what was delivered. Covid lockdown and us being retired has put my every move under scrutiny, not in a nosey but in a curious what I was doing sort of way.

If your circumstances are such that you can dress that often, go shopping and store your female clothes you are in a very good place. The DADT label in your case should have an asterisk as it allows more freedom than many of us enjoy.

When I first started going out fully dressed (around 2007), she was going to visit her father who was having medical problems. I just used the opportunity of being home alone to get dressed at home and go out with some like-minded friends.

After her dad passed, I would tell her that I was going out drinking with the guys. Not the whole truth, but nothing but the truth. I didn't tell her that the "guys" I was meeting were all dressed as girls. I dislike lying about this, so I decided to come clean, and we negotiated boundaries which included going out twice a month, not dressing at home and not leaving the neighborhood dressed (so none of the neighbors would know). I guess the big break came when I asked permission to go to the Keystone (TG) Conference for 4 days. She gave me permission, but I learned afterwards that she only gave me permission because she thought it would get crossdressing out of my system. As you can guess, it doesn't work like that.

So, is my marriage DADT or not? My wife has never seen any of my clothes except for an occasional panty or bra that gets left out. She has not seen me dressed and does not want to. She has not even seen pictures of me dressed. I tell her in advance when I will be going out with the girls, when I will be leaving and when I expect to return. She doesn't usually ask where I am going, and I don't volunteer that information, although I will answer truthfully if she asks.

I think that meets the definition of DADT; she knows that I go out dressed and when, but very little else.

My wife also pays the bills, but I have found a way to buy online without her seeing the bills. Whenever I have some spare cash, I buy eBay gift cards or Visa gift cards and use those to pay for my online purchases. I have a PayPal account that is funded by my gift cards. I have rented a PO Box for over 15 years now, and I have all my online purchases delivered to my PO Box. If you buy from Amazon, they can deliver to local lock boxes.

If I'm already out and dressed, I may add shopping to the itinerary, but I usually shop en homme. And I usually try on clothes before I buy. I've lost my fear of doing that, and I've had some great adventures with GG SAs.

Great advice Steffi. I also started going out in 2007. At first I lived alone and then my son moved back in, always welcomed. Since he stayed in his room a lot playing video games and watching TV, I would get prepped to go out, put on baggy pants and shirt with or without a jacket and go out. I would then remove the pants and shirt and finish up makeup in a parking lot somewhere and lasly put on my wig. Coming home at night I would reverse the process and never got caught.

Where there is a will/strong desire, there is a way! You just need to find that way. Good luck and enjoy life. It is the only one you have and it has an unknown end date.

I've changed in the car in a public street (um, that was earlier today). Changed to a boy in the car multiple times.

I've changed in change rooms at a store where the SAs knew me.

Also, I've gotten dressed in the family room at the Y (go in as a boy, work out, come out as a girl). This is a Y that I don't frequent that often.

Yes, when there's a will, there's a way.

I do the "changing in the car" thing. I would really like something better so thanks for the ideas.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

I do the "changing in the car" think. I would really like something better so thanks for the ideas.

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Once you get used to the cramped quarters of a car, it's not impossible. I do that all the time. The biggest challenge is when the car is also driven by your significant other, not to leave any evidence behind. For instance, errant hair strands from your wig, makeup, etc. Not optimal but people are incredibly adaptive.

The "leftovers" are certainly a challenge - that lipstick you drop, or as mentioned an errant hair from your wig.

If ever you needed a reason to keep your home or car clean it's crossdressing - if you've got clutter, you won't spot things anywhere near as easily!

Seems like you have worked out mutually acceptable arrangements. Far better than my misguided efforts which lead to an divorce!

Hi Steffi, Your DADT is more liberal than mine. Yes, the changing in the car, or in my case the truck. Got stopped once for expired tags, I was so scared, my hands were shaking when I handed over my license. Turned out to be no big deal, only got a verbal warning. As Monica and Charlotte pointed out, watch the leftovers, my bane are press-on nails, and make up in the bathroom. Yep DADT. I have been to a transformation shop and completely forgot that they have changing rooms. I will have to look into that.

The don't tell part of my situation is much more rigid. Don't tell means don't talk about it, end of discussion. I was managing to do some shopping at dollar stores, thrift stores and a discrete adult gifts store for panties and lingerie. Covid shut all that down and we are both at home all day so there are no opportunities to get out right now. My wife and adult daughters had a Covid scare recently and they had to get tested so going anywhere I might be exposed to strangers is going to generate 1000 questions. She doesn't normally keep tract of me but the Covid has changed all that as we both agreed to be more careful after the recent scare. My alibi of attending sporting events alone is on hold as well so it has been a difficult summer. I live in a northern climate where we get below zero and snow so losing an entire summer is a big deal.

Everyone's situation is different and I would tell anyone who is still able to negotiate and is still able to dress to appreciate what you have.

Steffi, and others including me on numerous occasions, has brought up the fact wives are along for the ride and any fallout caused by non-accepting neighbors/coworkers/etc. While a husband may have his femme time the unintended consequences affect both husband and wife. Historically, my outings have been lonely evening drives and strolls when my wife was out of town. Daytime until my wife retired was a full day of en femme a la June Cleaver. Now, as she is retired there is no opportunity to be en femme. I did consider the cited changing room in Seattle a long time ago, but what would happen after changing? What would I do? Just stroll around alone? There is a social club of ladies in Seattle, but, again trying to fit in always brings up the question; 'What do I have in common with anyone, other than dressing?" Which comes first? Meet and become friends en homme or dressed as see of the social aspects clicks later?"

What can you do while you're out and dressed? Well shopping for one. One time, while fully dressed, I was at a Talbots outlet store and they had some one piece bathing suits for $15. Well, how could I turn that down. I recruited an SA to help me figure out what size to try, I went into the dressing room likr any other girl. The GG dressing room "guard" didn't even look at me twice. And the SA hung around and helped me select the best style and size for me. If there was any doubt that I was a CD, it may have been erased when my forms didn't quite fit in the bathing suit. But, I was still treated like a lady.

One of the first times I went out for lunch dressed, I met up with someone who was on this board.

As for driving dressed, I had stopped on the way driving home from the Keystone Conference. I accidentally let my battery die, and had to call AAA. At first, I intended to change into boy mode in the car, but I just decided what the heck. I don't feel like changing now. And I didn't. It was no big deal.

Another time I got nail extensions put on at a nail salon I had been to several times. The let me change from boy to girl in the back room after my nails were done. On the way back, they removed the extensions and let me change from girl to boy.

Sometimes, a little bit of creativity is required.

"wives are along for the ride". What a wonderful thought! That's something that you may want to discuss with her, just as you are along with her ride whatever that may be! If there's love, it conquers all.

There is still such an accepted double standard, and it really shows through on here. In what universe would it be acceptable for a husband to tell his wife that something she does, and feels strongly about, is DADT for him?

Also, even if you agree to let her set "the rules" for your crossdressing, does that ever work both ways? When is the last time anyone on here established rules about the way their wives would dress and present themselves?

Lastly, if you are in a relationship where someone doesn't fully accept every part of you, then you are cheating both of you. She never really knows and accepts the real you and you live under her wishes and eventually you will resent her for it.

I am not trying to be mean, but DADT should be WANEBSSWRSW which means we are not equal because she sets whatever rules she wishes.