How I Got Started

Hi,

I am new to the forum and I have never shared my crossdressing experience with anyone. I am here to try to engage in meaningful conversations with other people and offer my acceptance and support to them, while also allowing myself to be accepted and supported by them. I thought that I might start by telling my story. So, here it goes:

My earliest memories are of my desire to be female. When I was about two I noticed that my mother wore pretty, silky slips/nightgowns when she put me to bed. I liked how soft they were, and enjoyed touching them. I would ask to keep her slips with me through the night, so that I could touch them with my hands and rub their silky material on my face. Sometimes it took some whining and convincing, and other times not so much...she always gave them to me and went to bed without them. At that time I didn't wear them, I just enjoyed laying with them and holding them against my skin.

I also spent plenty of time watching my mother putting on her makeup in the morning. She wanted me near her so that she could see me, so I sat on the floor and watched her routine every day. I liked how pretty she looked, and I wanted to be pretty too.

I started dressing before I went to kindergarten. I had a friend who I would visit for play dates, and he had a sister who was a few years older than us. One day, while she was sleeping, he showed me that he liked to go into her room and put on her underwear. I went in with him, and I too, put them on. Immediately, I knew that my life was forever changed. As soon as I felt the white cotton panties with red and purple hearts grace my thighs, I knew that I was meant to be a woman. I felt sexy, powerful, and RIGHT. My friend seemed to like the taboo part of dressing, but I felt like my soul had become aligned with God.

He was jumping around like a loon, and so after a moment, he turned around to see that I had already pulled on a white, lacy dress and was putting my feet into a pair of black flats with pink bows on the top. He didn't know that before I put the dress on, I had pushed my genitals between my legs and pulled the panties up more snug to hide my masculine features.

My friend and I dressed a few more times in his sister's clothing, but he eventually began to stop doing it, and tried to get me to stop, as well. I was confused. How could he want to stop feeling like this? How could he not realize how right this was? He started to tease me each time that I would try to convince him that we should play dress up, telling me that boys aren't supposed to do that sort of thing. He told me he had only done it because he liked the idea of being caught. I told him that I wanted to be a girl. I realized then, that I was different from him, and that I wouldn't be able to dress up with him anymore.

So, I started to sneak into my parents room and wear my mother's clothes. Nothing fit, of course, but that didn't stop me. I would often take the clothes that she threw away or stuck in a donation bag and I would hide them under my bed to wear later. My mother caught me several times, and there would be an argument between us, but she always let me keep whatever article of clothing I had taken. She would always ask me why I wanted it, and I always fell short of admitting that I wanted to be a girl, so I would just say "Because I want it."

Once, I found a pair of black nylon stockings in the trash, because it had a hole in it. I immediately slipped them on and walked around the house with them. Mom just shook her head and shrugged, but my father told me to take them off. I did, but I put them back on the next day. He saw me with them again, and he went and spoke to my mother, who came to me with tears in her eyes and told me to take them off. I gave them to her, and she threw them away.

I knew that my crossdressing would not be accepted, then. For years I continued to wear her clothes, and I would often wear her undergarments under my own clothes and hope that I would get caught. I can't begin to tell you how many times I wore her bra under my shirt, hoping that the whole family would notice, and find out what I was doing. I wanted to get caught so that they would understand who I really was. I wanted to get caught over and over, so that they would finally let me wear girl's clothing all the time. At one point, I even asked my mother if I could wear girl's clothing to school, and she said "No."

At about age nine, I was at my neighbor's house visiting. They had a daughter who was a year older than I, and she was painting her nails. On a whim, she asked if she could paint mine. I had learned by now that I was not to show any sort of interest in anything girly, so I feigned disinterest. I allowed her to persuade me though, and soon I had beautiful pink nails. Her mother was there, and they both giggled as the polish was applied, and laughed with surprise when I kicked off my shoes and asked if they would do my toenails too.

This happened on multiple occasions. I would go over and visit, and I would get my nails painted in all sorts of colors and swirls. One day, her father came home and saw what was happening. He just shook his head and said, "I don't know about you boy." That became a regular occurrence. When I would get home, my mother would shake her head and remove the nail polish. Eventually, she stopped letting me go over to the neighbor's house.

When I was eleven I had a friend over and we were watching television. It was "Jerry Springer", and they were doing an episode in which audience members had to guess as to which of the show's guests were women and which were men (they were trans women). I told my friend they all had to be women, because they all looked so realistic. We discovered that some of them were trans, and I didn't understand how that was possible. They were in swimsuits and skimpy clothing, but their male parts were not visible. They also had breasts! That was when my friend told me about vaginoplasty and breast implants. I had no idea of what that was, but I was floored. "You mean, they can actually DO that?"

Instantly, I hoped that I could have a vaginoplasty and breast implants. I so desperately wanted to be a woman. After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I asked him if they could make it so that the trans women could have babies. He said, "No." I was slightly disappointed, but I hoped beyond hope that I could one day become female.

It was also at this time that I started to have sexual thoughts about the boys that I knew. I was interested in the girls too, but I was interested in the boys as well. I daydreamed about getting married to them (I had a beautiful white gown, of course, and long, flowing, brown hair, with just a touch of blush and mascara to accentuate my already gorgeous feminine features), and I dreamed of a domestic life with them. I was raised with a traditional view of women's roles, so I saw myself being the wife who took care of domestic duties and still made time for her man. I became obsessed with the idea of, naming our children, and raising them.

There are plenty of things I could say about how crossdressing works in my life now, but that is for another post. I thought that posting about my beginnings would be a great way to finally start to share my story. I apologize for it being long, and I hope that it was not boring. I welcome your thoughts, comments, and questions. I really would like to be able to engage with others about these sorts of issues.

Elaina

Thanks for sharing your story, Elaina.

Thank you Elaina, for sharing your very fascinating account of how you began your crossdressing journey.

Welcome and thanks for sharing! Hugs Lana Mae

Welcome and thanks for sharing, there are a great group of people here

How old are you now? Are you planning on having surgery?
There are many people here and I'm certain that there are many sharing similar situations.

I am 35, so I have been crossdressing for 31 years. I don't think I will ever have surgery, although I want it. Life hasn't worked out in favor of that.

My gratitude to everyone for welcoming me to the forum!

Wow, powerful writer! 👏.

You gained momentum very quickly, but we read often that a lot can happen in either direction both internally and externally as the years pass. Reading about where you are now and how you got there is certainly to be looked forward to!

Welcome to the community! :thumbsup:.

- L.

Welcome to the forum - a very nice first post

Welcome to the Forum!
Many come here to learn about the condition, and the various ways it is expressed.
As you can see from your friend who also tried on the girl's clothes, many boys do experiment this way, but just the smaller set who are later labelled TG go on to enjoy it. It does appear to have a genetic factor, so it is not just environment.
From your description, you sound what is often given the label transsexual than crossdresser. Labels carry emotional baggage so don't worry that much about it.
Some have lurked here a while before joining - you don't mention that. You will see more of the site once you reach 10 posts, so feel free to comment on other threads or ask questions. We are much more understanding than you are probably used to. The Picture Gallery is safe to post pictures, but any avatar you choose will be visible to the Internet.
Hugs, Ellen

A beautiful story. Welcome aboard!

I really understood your story. My crossdressing started closer to 10 than to 5, and by that time, I knew that boys didn't do those things, at least if they expected to live long enough to be men. But, I'm glad you had the experience.

I have a friend who told me that when he was very young, he prayed every night to wake up as a girl. I couple of years after I met him, he went full time girl, and really girly girl. I told him his prayers were answered, just not as early as he wanted them answeerd.

Welcome Elaina you sure do have a talent for writing and a great history of yourself! I know you will make a lot of friends here! ;)

Lydianne,

Thank you! You're right...some things have changed, and others haven't. I still feel the same feelings and impulses that I wrote about in my post, but I have accepted that the course of my life doesn't include a trajectory in which I can make changes to my physical body. It is difficult sometimes, but I am more at peace with it than I was when I was young.

At some point, I will probably post more details about my current situation, and I'm sure some of it will come out in my responses to other people's posts.

P.S. I love the shoes/dress combo in your profile pic! :)

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Steffi,

I know that prayer well. Perhaps mine will be answered someday, too! Thanks for your support.

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Thanks, Kay J! I am hoping to do just that!

Welcome Elaina, I loved your story and I know you will fit right in here.

Welcome Elaina,
certainly you're an amazing writer.
As Lydianne said, I wonder to know more details about your current situation.
As you will find later, this web have a lot of wisdom from some old folks that had spent more of their life crossdressing and they share so many fantasies and dream so their experience is limited to a life in the closet and this web has been the way to expose to the world but circumstances or their desicions didn't let them live as a woman, others could move forward in their life and take the shot and get into a more definite transition living full times as a woman, some adding hormones, surgeries, etc. So you can find all kind of comments, positive and negative supportive and others not supportive at all. For the same some can give opinions and even adventure to make more advanced comments supporting or attacking your posts so try to learn about who the comment does before embrace or reject any, you can lose or gain for your life if you don't know who's talking, as some people live labeling others without know who their are.
You're young yet to make a decision on how your life will be so don't take this web lightly because there's so much in it.
You haven't told us if you're under it ever go to therapy, if you're looking for help, that's a good thing.
You can PM when this option be available for you.
Mho.

Devi

Elaina, Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am also new to this site but have been crossdressing privately for many years I would say it really started when I was about 13 or 14 but in reality reading your story makes me realise it started much earlier as I used to play dress up at home as a kid and would dress up as a girl in my my sisters old clothes that I found but my dad hated that and would always tell me to get changed but never really thought of it as CD but your story reminded me of that and how I felt when my dad would make me get changed back into boy clothes and I guess it was in away where it all started for me. I also remember the first time seeing trans women on TV and learning about surgeries and how I wanted to have that done altough stories are different as I was never attracted to boys or men that much although in desperate attempts to feel more femme I have spent a few nights pretending to like guys but the least said about that the better I think lol Thanks again for sharing Elaina x

Very nice story, Glad you are open to share it Elaina, hope all your dreams come to reality. I just like to wear Women Panties and Brassieres, usually undergarments I feel complete in them and I have absolutely no desire to be a Woman and I am not Gay.

Elaina, Welcome to the forum. I'm sure you'll find a lot of ladies here with a similar story.

Alexa,

I have a feeling that for many of us our feminine story started much earlier than the first time we dressed up. It is so wonderful to find that I am not alone, and that there are others out there who had similar experiences. :)

I think you have to recognize there is more than cross dressing going on here. Within my extended family there are two individuals who have always identified as men who were born as genetic females. From an early age they always were attracted to all things society ascribes as "male." There was no nurturing involved by their parents. However, there was no effort to shame them for doing what they did.