Is it offensive to ask?

Dear Ms. CD Manners,

I have a very dear friend I've known for more than 10 years. Because we live several hundred miles apart we only see each other at a festival we both enjoy, once a year or less. Because of our busy lives, we only get to talk on the phone every couple of months, but when we do talk, it's for hours at a time and feels as though only days have passed.

My friend, let's call her V, is TG. I have only ever known her as female, but she is forced to live as male. Unfortunately, she can't transition and, due to her profession and her DADT roommate, V rarely gets to be her true self. Even when we talk on the phone, she has to choose her words carefully or drive miles from home to talk freely. We've talked for years about getting together some weekend halfway between us and spend the entire weekend just visiting, shopping, walking & talking, and doing whatever we decide, with her as her true self.

I live mostly male, but am occasionally gender-fluid. I've told V this, but she has only ever seen me and spoken to me as male. I dress at home and have very few select friends who have seen me dressed. I keep this part of myself quite closeted, mostly due to my profession. I have never been out in public as female and would never do so anywhere I might expect to find someone I know, personally or professionally.

The rub is... I have wanted to venture out of my house as that fluid part of me, to experience more of the world as the part of me that stays so carefully hidden. Because of our comfort with each other, and her experiences in both male and female worlds, I think I would be more comfortable exploring that part of myself with V. It's okay with me if she would rather know me purely as male, but I don't know if she would be okay seeing me as female unless I ask.

Would it be gauche to ask V for her guidance in blending with society as female, even to assist and join me on my first foray into this world, or would it be crude and offensive? If you lived in her world, would you be offended if a good friend were to ask for your help in this venture? I have considered how I would feel, but I would like to know how someone else would feel being asked such a question, and whether it would be offensive to even ask.

If she knows that you dress also, I don't see why that would be a problem, however if you were always totally male to her she might just want that. I would make sure that you set that up front. Run it by her and see if she likes that. I'm not quite sure what V is expecting. And if she is alright with it. Go for it.

Dear Jen,

It's great that you're sensitive enough to think about how they'll feel before asking that question - and I think because of that sensitivity, the person you obviously are, and the friendship you're likely to have with V, I'd say you'll be just fine asking. :D

I'm sure if V feels it's inappropriate or unwelcome you'll hear the truth, but if you don't ask, you'll never know, and some great lyrics by The Smiths seem somewhat appropriate...

Quote:

---

'Ask' - The Smiths
"Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I?"

---

:)

Katey x

I would run it carefully by her and see if she Is ok,if she doesn't know fully about you,drop hints next time you speak ,if you get the right answers ,then appoarch the subject

I agree if both of you know about each other's other side, then just talk openly and honestly with her about it. As for if she should be the decider if you transform or not when together, I am not so sure. It sounds like you both want and need to get out dressed and doing so together sounds like a great way to accomplish that. Suggest what you would like to do and see how she decides. Maybe one time she is dressed and the next time you are, or both of you are. That just needs a friendly conversation. Good luck.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katey888

It's great that you're sensitive enough to think about how they'll feel before asking that question - and I think because of that sensitivity, the person you obviously are, and the friendship you're likely to have with V, I'd say you'll be just fine asking. :D

I'm sure if V feels it's inappropriate or unwelcome you'll hear the truth, but if you don't ask, you'll never know, and some great lyrics by The Smiths seem somewhat appropriate...

---

+1000 for 'The Smiths' quote.

If you two are already 'out' to each other, what harm could it cause?

We take our allies where we can get them, honey.

<3

- MM

Hi Jen, I am not Ms Manners, but I am Ms Demeanor.
Is your friend TG or TS there is a bit of a difference. If your friend Ms V, is needing to transition to the person they were meant to be it is so much more involved then those of us that wish to express our other gender side. When I finally came clean with myself, finally discovered and admitted to myself that I had a feminine side and need to embrace it I talk to the the only person I knew that might understand it. My own father transitioned in the mid 70's when I was 18. She was a girl, a woman, a female all her life and just in the wrong body. It was much different then what I was going through. I brought up bad memories and our conversations, strained as they were became even more strained.
So this was a different time and age, things are getting better, but as a civilization we are still far from perfect. It sounds like you are her confidant and yes I think you should broach the conversation. talk about how you feel and LISTEN to how she feels. she may want to help you with an outing, a girls day, she may appreciate time together with someone she trust to be herself and help you be yourself. Be prepared though and please do not take offence, this is all a delicate and touchy situation. If it sounds like she rejects or is opposed to it, just slow down and remind her that you are and will always be her friend.

Nothing really wrong in asking.

IMO "IF" you two are "Friends", then friends help one another.
Friends bend to be their for support and at times go out of their way for one another.
Friends that share secrets IMO are their for one another.......
You only live once, should something happen to you or your friend tomorrow you will have missed out on doing something that you (deeply?) desire.
If you don't at least ask, IMO at some point down the road you will be kicking yourself in the aws for the lost opportunity.
I lost a great friend, and quiet often I have pondered 'what if'.......
Live Life and enjoy while you can.

Hi Jen,

As others have said, you are friends and both know of each others dressing. I think if you approach the subject with "V" she will let you know her comfort level. If it were me, I would not have an issue with helping a friend and would not find it offensive.

Cheers

Isha

It seems that the two of you are long time friends who share a deep connection. This is something you should be able to talk with her about.

Ms D, I'm sorry things didn't go so well with your dad. Maybe with more, and different, experiences behind you, you might be able to find some common ground. I wish you well if you want to be in touch with him.

Katey, I love the Smiths quote! Awesome!

Nearly everyone echoed exactly what I thought so I wrote V and asked. She said I'll have to forgive her if she slips sometimes, as she's only seen me one way, but she'd be very happy to do a girl's day out and we need to keep in touch more. I'd say she was far from offended. :-) Now I have to decide what outfit to wear.

Is the subtext here that you are in love with V? Or at least you are worried that being honest will damage the friendship you have?

Be honest, it sounds like V is at least able to understand where you are coming from. If not then that perhaps will give you a better idea on what this friendship is.


Jems.

Jen,
I'm inclined to agree with Katie. And I'll add this... I'm inclined to think that since you're sufficiently self-aware etc to be asking yourself how you should approach this you will do fine!

A bit late to the party, but I'll answer anyway. If it were me, I'd be honored.