Ups and Downs of the Pink Fog

For the past few weeks I?ve been in and out of the pink fog a lot. When I?m out of it I tell myself how ?easy? it would be to be my male self all the time. No worries about getting caught by someone other than my supportive wife - someone stopping by unexpectedly or a guest snooping through my closets and bathroom cabinets, or spotted when out partially en femme). So rather than throw away all my feminine belongings (for which I?ve spent huge amounts of money), I hide them from myself. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I put clothes in dresser drawers, so that if anyone ever notices, I can say they?re for overflow of my wife?s clothes, and in a closet in a guest room - also ?my wife?s? (unless they note the sizes!). I put all my makeup and other girly cosmetic items in a plain cardboard box and hide it in a closet.

Whenever this has happened, usually the very next day the pink fog rolls in again, and everything goes back to where it was. For example, this morning while lying in bed before getting up, my mind just started wandering into what I could do today. Hmm, my wife will be gone all day, so what can I wear, and great, I can put on makeup and a little dab of perfume. (To prevent going too far, even for a supportive wife, I usually confine my dressing to evenings, once or twice a week.)

So as soon as my wife left I put on nylon panties and cami, solid black leggings and a flowery long-sleeve top. After re-stocking the ?girly shelf? in my medicine cabinet, I sprayed on some Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray, powdered my nose, and put on some mascara, eyeliner, and clear lip gloss. Finally, I put on my socks (navy with little white flowers) and blue slip-on Sketchers. Then I went out for my daily walk! On top I looked male, with my drab coat and a baseball-style hat (and my pony tail was tucked inside my coat), but on bottom I was all girl - leggings, and cute socks that showed a little between the leggings and Sketchers. If anyone had gotten close, they might have noticed the lovely cherry blossom scent or the hints of makeup I?d put on.

Have any of you ever had this kind of experience, where you're briefly all-male, thinking you won?t ever go back to dressing, only to boldly go right back into the pink fog within days?? Sometimes I think that if I lived by myself I?d be dressed most of the time (at home, anyway); other times I think maybe I?ve had enough crossdressing and I can actually purge all my wardrobe and accessories for good. What do you think? (FYI if you haven?t read my other posts, I?ve known I?m a CD since childhood - in 60s now - and have gotten more and more into it since coming out to my wife last year.)

Hi Larissa

I think it's so common. I have experienced the ups and downs as well. The Pink Fog hit me like an avalanche last week and I decided to embrace it.

Larissa,

My life is in a permanent state of flux between the drab and the femme. The pull of the femme is strong in this one but I know there has to be time spent in drab so I don't fret about it just accept it for what it is, my life, and make the most of both halves.

"To boldly go where no man has gone before"

If you're old enough, you've heard this quote many times.

Space: The final frontier
These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise
Its 5 year mission
To explore strange new worlds
To seek out new life and new civilizations
To boldly go where no man has gone before

It comes and goes for me, too. When the weather is warm enough for bicycling without multiple layers, "Nancy" tends to recede into the closet. In the dark days of autumn and winter, I come back out. I learned from others years ago that purging is futile and a waste of money, so while I may thin my wardrobe a little in the between times, most of my wardrobe is there in full view alongside my boy clothes. The things that don't hang generally go into shoeboxes, but last year I started putting some of the lingerie into my underwear drawer.

I won't go outside unless I am completely dressed en femme, which must include a wig because I'm bald. My reasoning is that no one is going to pay a lot of attention to 60-year-old woman, but they will surely notice a guy in leggings or a dress. But also, my notion of success in crossdressing is passing for female.

You note that you've been a CD since childhood, so it's probably not going away. When I first came out to a therapist years ago, he offered to "cure" me. The very thought of it feels something like the idea of losing my sense of taste, or giving up sweets forever. The challenge for me is to keep the pink fog under control.

I've experienced this at times also Larissa, although it's rare that I have thoughts of not dressing anymore. I love wearing lingerie to bed every night and that really keeps me in the pink fog to the point where I can't wait to get ready for bed every night.

Maybe I'm peculiar, but for a while now the fog sets in for me when I have some goal, like trying an outfit or some sort of outing. I have gone months without the urge to dress up, mainly due to a lack of direction. I wonder what may happen when I succeed in my goals. I get plenty of blue fog now.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Helen - Despite my occasional confusion, I think I'll eventually just accept having both halves and not fretting. But it may take a while!

Steffi - I am old enough, but I haven't been quite bold enough to go some places I'd like to be going, but maybe some day.....

Nancy - I like your comment that no one will pay attention to a 60-year-old woman. I'm a few years older than that, so maybe that will work for me. And yes, keeping the pink fog under control, especially since I don't want to overdo it and turn my supportive wife against me, which seems to have happened to some folks on the forum.

Jessica - I wear nighties or women's pajamas to bed almost every night, but it occasionally does the opposite - I start thinking I'm overdoing it (see my reply to Nancy above).

Geena - What can I say? No blue fog for you right now! You're on a roll, so maybe the confidence you're getting from going out will keep that sense of direction and the pink fog will stay with you longer.

Hugs,
Larissa