How do I do it?

Yesterday morning enjoying a coffee with my wife a friend called me and told me his drain was overflowing in his basement and asked me for advice, everyone consideres me a "Jack of all trades but master of none". I went and rented a snake and unplugged it for him. When I got home later in the afternoon my wife instantly told me to get changed outside because I smelled like a sewer.
I showered and got dressed pretty and sat down for dinner, my wife asked me how do I do it, I must have the biggest heart of anyone she knows. I didn't know what she was talking about and she told me that I spent all day helping a friend with his sewer problem, last week I helped her brother with a renovation electrical problem. I repaired her mothers furnace and made time for her nephew, not to mention for years bringing her nephew to rehab and finding him a job and putting him on his feet a little. I help everyone and I don't expect anything in return and never complain about it and that I do it with my heart, and the worst part of it is these people are my worst critic. She told me 80% of my friends are homophobic and that her nephew has stated numerous times his hatred for cross gender and when my friends come over they really bash and state there opinion on how much they hate the cross gender situation. How do I sit there and listen to this but most of all how do I have it in me to help them knowing that if it ever came out about my dressing all my help would all be in vein. They would throw me away like a dirty rag but if any of them would come out with anything I would support them. She used her nephew as an example that her family had given up on his drug addiction and while everyone else stood by and just watched that I was the one who made time and picked him up and helped him. Knowing he would disown me in a second if he seen me dressed and all that I do for my friends and family I would not be remembered for what a great person I really am but I would be seen as a freak.
I told her I can't help how people feel about curtain topics like religion or politics or what they stand for and unfortunately we all have skeletons hanging in our closests but if it ever does come out I hope everyone will remember the person I really am. My wife was very upset about this and even speaking aggressive and got up and gave me a hug and told me the day I told her she seen past that and knew the real person inside but doesn't believe my stereotype freinds and family will see past that and that people can be cruel. I told her I never considered any of these things before and I just enjoy helping out my friends and family and save them money where I can and I hope I will never have to find out there real loyalty. My wife sees things from the outside and is not afraid to come out and talk about anything with me. Ever wonder how your friends or family would respond if they ever found out?
Thought I would share.

I think most cross dressers are everyday normal people who just happen to prefer to dress differently. We try to treat others as we wish to be treated. My neighbors may suspect my cross dressing but they know if they need help with anything I am there to help them and the same if I need help.

Hi Marie,
Good points on both sides. A good person in good inside and out, too bad so many let their prejudices control them. But you never know until it happens, some might surprise you if they did find out.

Don't change who you are, sounds like you are a great friend and person.

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Hugs
Jolene

Like you I try to do the right thing. I also have friends that are transphobic and would drop me like a stone.I nearly came out to my oldest friend that I thought was understanding. Fortunately I didnt as he was very negative on one occasion about our community. They say never judge a book by its cover. But also ignorance is bliss. There are people that care and people that do not . Fortunately your friends have a friend that does care.This makes you a better person and a valuable friend.You will never have a guilty conscience.

Its feels good to be helpful to others. Thats certainly what family and friends do for each other, if they have the capacity to do so.

Some thoughts on expressions of homophobia and transphobia. A person will often echo the words they hear in their social groups. If they think others are bigots, they will say similar things to fit in. This goes the other way to. If a person think they are in more open-minded group, they will often try to express similar sensibilities. The spoken words may seem disparaging or supportive, but neither may give a true picture of what they actually would do if they learned that a friend or relative was trans.

Humans are complicated.

People's reactions are very strange! My best friend throughout my life was transphobic and homophobic! I nervously came out to him and he says that changes nothing you are still my friend! My other friend said, he did not approve of my lifestyle but he would always consider me his friend! I was not sure about my SIL but she is accepting! I have had no negative reactions from family or friend!
Hugs Lana Mae

Maria,

I did so enjoy you post (but then I enjoy most all of your stories posted). This one struck me as important in that my (our) desire to crossdress does no define us as a person anymore that any other thing in life we choose to do. For a long time I held much self loathing over my desire to dress and tried as I might could not stop the feeling. After many years I finally came to confess I was not going to loose my passion to dress enfemme and also accepted regardless of this desire I remained a good person. I am betting you have always been a helpful and kind soul good person as well. Thanks for sharing this sentiment.

Maria - you have reached Maslow's level of self-actualization. You do what you believe is right without worrying about repayment and do not worry about what others think.

Jolene - nice post

I feel your pain.
My situation is similar and I'm certain we can all relate. I have friends that are "tolerant" but I'm sure would run for the hills if they ever knew this side of me. Our nephew feels as yours does. He has very strong opinions on the gender issues and none would be accepting if he were to discover my secret, yet he calls for advice, asks for assistance in projects and I'm sure if you asked him he would say he looks up to me. Such a conundrum we exist in.
All we can do is be the good people we are and hope that some of that outweighs all the negatives that people see and feel.

Maria, most people would think you're an Angel come to earth!:hugs:

Some may think you're being stepped on and used?:sad:

In any case, I certainly couldn't act as selflessly as u!:straightface:

I can recall the first time (about 40 years ago) that I saw 2 young women walking in our small conservative town while holding hands. I was shocked. While I have friends I suspect are gay or lesbian, the topic has never come up as it is none of my business just as my sexual preferences are none of their business. I simply believe some things are private matters and that is one of them. However, about 4 or 5 years ago a step nephew of mine thought it important I know he is bi. He said he hoped that knowledge wouldn't end our friendship. Well, no it didn't. What it did was give me a different perspective on other's sexuality. I have become, albeit late in life, much more accepting of all the different ways in which people express themselves.

Maria, with any luck should any of your family or friends discover your CD activities, they will have the same awakening I had. It really is never too late for an old dog to learn new tricks.

I don't really wonder if friends or family would accept or reject me if they found out. Maria, like you, it doesn't factor into my decisions on how I interact with them, or what I do with them/for them. Family is very important to me, warts and all. I also do not see any potential benefit whatsoever in any of them knowing. The only thing that concerns me is if my (very crossdressing supportive) wife and I both died in some freak accident or something, and my kids would find a lot of clothes clearly too big for my wife, including size 11 shoes when her shoe collection is all size 7.5. The chances of that happening are rather small. If, by some very low odds chuck of the dice, I should outlive my amazing wife, then I might have to have a discussion with one or more of my kids. Until then, I see no reason to ever involve any family members in it. In the risk/benefit calculation, there is no benefit. So, I don't even think about it.

Maria, you're an amazing person :) It's really cool that your wife recognizes this!

Marie you are somewhat of a saint! Point being, many would not associate or even help those who have a 180 degree viewpoint and opinion of lifestyles and political associations. It?s hard to get past a persons views when they contradict with one?s own..

Having said that, sometimes a loud and objectionable stance on an issue, lifestyle is a hidden 🤫 secret that someone may feel guilt and shame for, so to feel better and not give way to let that out, they bash and demonize a particular issue, etc. Just a thought that may have credence. Nice post, thanks. Jess.

Sometimes I wonder the "what if." My wife and I have been married for over fifty years. Our kids are in their forties. I would hope they would not be judgmental. To me it's alright that they would not understand. I sure the heck don't. Over my journey I often used the scales of life; cross dressing on one side, the rest on the other. If any one of them were to discard me, then piss on them. When anyone makes a negative comment out of ignorance or blatant bias, I do confront them. Basically, as one of my neighbors noticed, I tend to give someone enough rope to hang themselves; then they get both barrels of the verbal shotgun. If you do not confront people, they have the tendency to think you agree with them. I have family and friends who fit into a multitude of discriminated classes. If you want to bad mouth people I love and respect, I do not need you in my life. You're trash, and, you're kicked to the curb.

Great post, you have a big heart.

Wonderful story - you are a great person and I appreciate your sharing this aspect of your life and relationship with your wife.

PS. On a side note, your story re-enforced my instincts not to plunge a sewer line in my best dress. :heehee:

Maria, if people don't like who you are that should be their problem not yours. It's not like that though is it. All we can do is be ourselves. A chunk of who you are is Jack of all trades, you help people, they like that they, not surprisingly except that. Excepting that you cross dress is another matter though, even in 2022. Look after your friends. But most of all be who you are. Hopefully the two can combine and the people you help except you as you.

A lot of people who have negative views of transgendered people don't actually know any transgendered people. In am willing to bet, Maria, that if any of these friends or family members with negative attitudes found out about you, it would change their attitude about transgendered people for the better rather than change their attitude about about you to the worse. Because they know you and they know what kind of person you are.

Or to put it the way my completely out, late transitioned local trans friend does: If they liked you before they'll like you after. if they didn't like you before they won't like you after.

Extreme religion or politics excluded, of course.

I don't think of is so much as "crossdressers are good people" but rather "good people are crossdressers." You are a good person who also happens to crossdress. In the end, which is the more important quality?

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

Its feels good to be helpful to others. Thats certainly what family and friends do for each other, if they have the capacity to do so.

Some thoughts on expressions of homophobia and transphobia. A person will often echo the words they hear in their social groups. If they think others are bigots, they will say similar things to fit in. This goes the other way to. If a person think they are in more open-minded group, they will often try to express similar sensibilities. The spoken words may seem disparaging or supportive, but neither may give a true picture of what they actually would do if they learned that a friend or relative was trans.

Humans are complicated.

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The truth is that most people couldn’t care less one way or the other. They’ve got their own problems to worry about.