Seeing A Counselor

Recently my wife and I have been talking about my dressing. Not saying she's fully on board but she's somewhat ok with it. Several months ago she made me purge and get rid of a lot of things. We did have a huge blow up about it amongst other things as well. Since then we've been able to mend things and have also discussed it as well. I did some research and found a counselor locally that specializes in gender dysphoria. I've started to see her now for several weeks and have found that my crossdressing dates back to when I was a young child. She has helped me discover that this is a cycle of emotional and physical need. I have since been able to go back and talk to my wife about our sessions and she has been an open ear since. We still have a ways to go but I am thankful she's at least listening. I'm hoping that she can be able to continue to listen and hear me, be able to understand what I am going through as well as continue to support me.

Nikki

Hope it helps. In my experience a counsellor tells you what you already know and that you dont need to feel guilty or shameful about that. It's not rocket science, but hearing someone else say It, that can be priceless.

Sounds good Nikki. You always have friends here to talk to as well. :battingeyelashes::)

glad your have found help.
My GF has informed her wife about her dysphoria even before discussing it with a therapist, expecting a fallout any day now.

This may sound like a silly question, or even a bit "prying", but why do most CDers who see counselors do so? To try to kick the habit? Learn to live with it? or gain insights into their own character as to why they do what the do?---etc. Personally, I don't feel a need to quit and I learned to live with it over the years, and even know why. I do not think there is a "cure", so why bother?---(I'm not talking TS here. That indeed is more serious and complex)

For me, it was mostly to learn to accept myself, which was a great help because it allowed me to enjoy it, not merely live with it. It also gave me the courage to stand up to my wife, since I now understood that I didn't have a mental problem like she thought.

Nikki -- that's good news, great! A counselor can help you understand yourself and you can use that to help your wife understand you. You should ask your counselor if they'd be willing to speak to your wife if she wants to ask questions that she might not want to address with you. Better she ask an experienced counselor than a potentially misinformed friend. ;) If the counselor agrees, you could let your wife know it's an option.

Best wishes Nikki

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Originally Posted by MarinaTwelve200

..... but why do most CDers who see counselors do so? To try to kick the habit? Learn to live with it? or gain insights into their own character as to why they do what the do?---etc. Personally, I don't feel a need to quit and I learned to live with it over the years, and even know why. I do not think there is a "cure", so why bother?---(I'm not talking TS here. That indeed is more serious and complex)

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LOL. I often agree. It's not ME that needs to be fixed or counseled to give up something that is a dear part of me. It's the People Around Me who need the counseling. They need the advice of professionals to help them become adjusted to the new reality. I'm doing fine with it. Someone needs to talk them down off their self-righteous and intolerant high ground.

Ilene: Yes, yes, yes! I dont need to be fixed; my wife's attitude did. My wife and i saw a counselor briefly. I was expected to open with "I'm a crossdresser." as if to say that was our only issue. I did, but then added with "But an equally big problem is her uncommunicativeness". After a few sessions, we felt enough issues had been unpacked that we could talk rationally without a professional intervening.

I was finally able to make her hear me when I told of how precious my femme side is to my emotional balance, and she was assured that I will never want to leave her to do GRS. Now we are back to living and celebrating our love.

To answer Marina, I was okay with dressing myself. I mostly went to a counselor to try and figure out how to deal with those in my family and friends that couldn't deal with it. :)

To answer Marina's question i have been seeing a counselor for about a year for gender dysphoria and depression as well as separate couples therapy. My therapist is truly wonderful. Its the only safe place i have where i can express myself as a woman. I almost allways present in female clothes at appointments. Some level of hormone therapy/transition in the future is not out of the question.

Nikki,

I think your approach and attitude is an excellent one. Going to a therapist to get "fixed" is rarely ever going to work because not many therapists do or even attempt to do that. Going to a therapist is a way to find paths to reconcile internal or interpersonal conflicts by helping the client and, if necessary, any affected people put things in the larger context of life. They help and guide you in sorting things out so a comfortable resolution can be found. They guide; you do the heavy lifting.

What you describe regarding your experience and the opening up of your wife to understanding what you are dealing with is a sign that the process is working as it should. That said, don't expect it to all be a newly paved highway because it can get pretty rough and bumpy. But with the skills you are learning as a result of the counseling you are more likely to be able to deal with misunderstandings as well as the way to assert your identity and maintain your rightful place in the big picture while not forcing others to comply with your needs.

What you describe looks good to me. I have been to therapy and I can assure you it works if you are open and revealing with the therapist. I have a daughter that is a therapist (but not mine, for goodness sake) and I am quite familiar with the process. Keep going and if your wife is willing, at some point bring her into the picture. You may not get everything that you want right now, but what you do work out will likely lead to a much more comfortable relationship between the two of you. Win-win. Good luck. It is not always easy, but in the end it is likely to work out quite nicely and perhaps in a way you never expected which may be richer than you imagined possible.

Gretchen

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Originally Posted by MarinaTwelve200

This may sound like a silly question, or even a bit "prying", but why do most CDers who see counselors do so?

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Why do most people use a hammer? It turns out people have lots of reasons to use a hammer, but basically they all involve driving a nail. ;) There are a zillion reasons to see a counselor but they all involve getting help to work out a problem. What the problem is varies by individual, and the counselor isn't there to solve the problem for you, just to guide you to your own (hopefully) best solution.

That said, gender counselors are generally involved when you're dealing with issues of your own identity. They're not particularly concerned with the mechanics of why you are the way you are, and they're certainly no good for fashion advice. They are concerned with helping you find a way to be your best, most authentic self.

I enjoyed Fiona comment. I and my wife go to counceling both together and seperately. We don't go to be "cured" but to dig deeper into ourselves for us to truley under ourselves and each other. I don't have any close crossdressing friends to talk with. My wife accepts and supports my feminine side but someone who is not themselves a part of the T in the LGBT spectrum can very rarely fully understand how deep our feelings go. So part of the reason I go to counseling is because she is herself a member of the LGBT community I can open totally my feminine side with no fear of judgment or criticism. It is my totally safe place. Hope that made some sort of sense.

Why do people go to counsellors? Well for lots of good reasons. Often we find it difficult to see ourselves clearly and a good counsellor or psychologist should be able to get you to open up and discover things about yourself that had previously been hidden or latent. A good counsellor should also help you put your issues into context and give you some perspective as, if they are experienced, they see a much larger section of society than we individuals do.

Often we have a friend or family member who does something that seems out of character and the constant comment is that we never knew that person had it within themselves. Of course this presupposes that we truly know people and I would argue that we really only know a person's external shell, that part of themselves they are willing to expose to their social circle. Similarly, how much time do we spend trying to truly understand ourselves? I would argue that most people are not introspective and spend very little time examining themselves. Hence the value of a good counsellor.
Sometimes being alone and feeling like an island is very scary and can lead to depression and general misery. The simple act of being able to unpack all of those issues and talk about them and put them into a social perspective can be a great help.

So Nikki I think that choosing to find a counsellor and to discuss all of your deep thoughts and issues with that person was a wise thing to do. I wish you both all the best.

For me, seeing a counselor was not finding a reason to fix it all or fix me. It is a way to find a happy medium and be content, whatever that may be. I was seeking help to find a way to help answer some questions and help discover where my dressing came from. As the counselor helped me find through some homework, my dressing goes back to when I was a young child. And she has helped me see the cycle over the years since. She is not here to change my mind, or change the process but merely a way to help me find happiness. She is doing a great job, at least I believe she is. She also said she is here to support my decision but yet also there to stop me from making any huge mistakes whether it be with my family, work, or life in general. I really do appreciate her and all that she has help me answer so far and I cannot wait until the next session.

Niki,
Just keep that line of communication with your wife open and have patience.

I am sure it will work out for the better.