Violating my "No-Fly Zone" ...

almost caused a big problemo.

I was out en drab alone at a local festival, and used the time to see if I could find something cute for Steffi.

Well, it turns out that I wasn't alone; I subsequently found out that several people of 1-degree of separation were also at the festival. 1-degree of separation means that these someone's know me and know my wife, but don't know that I'm TG. My wife would "have a cow" if one of these someones saw me shopping for feminine things.

Also, there was also a local Pride event that I had thought of going to. Again, some 1-degree of separation people were there also.

All of these people are in the social group my wife and I attend, so I could have been seriously outed to a lot of people.

Close call, way too close. I will need to re-evaluate my rules for going out in my no fly zones.

Steffi, if u ACT guilty then u may be caught. Otherwise? Probably NOT!:brolleyes:

Many years ago a close friend of my wife's saw me with a basket full of ladies things at a big Goodwill sale. We chatted a short time about this and that and I never batted an eye. As she walked off she said, "And, don't worry. I won't tell your wife or daughters where their new outfits came from"!:heehee:

If u aren't acting suspicious? People won't be!:thumbsup:

Hi Steffi :hugs:, I agree with sherry on this. >Orchid ..+:daydreaming:+..

I have to wonder what those 1 degree of separation people were doing there in the first place?
Now why would you think they would say anything and risk getting outed themselves?
This whole story makes no sense when you break it down.
CDer risks it all to be in that place.
A person they know sees them OMG what to do?
Result both parties essentially out themselves but are too scared to say anything.

Living in a world where you are too scared to be yourself and in constant worry about what others think has to a horrible place to live.

Don't you shop for women's clothing for your wife? I guess if you wear a size 18 and your wife wears a size 2 being seen in Lane Bryant or Catherine's would raise some suspicion. If you're shopping in JC Penny or Wal-Mart I don't think that would raise any suspicions.

Wouldn't attending a Pride event, festival or parade show support for their cause?

Tracii G.

It was a Faire
or Festival for muggles. I went as a TG impersonating a muggle. In my TG role, I was looking at dresses, holding them up to me and then buying one. If they saw me, they probably would have assumed that I bought something for my wife, not something for me. But all these half a dozen muggles know my wife and I, and might have asked my wife what I got her, or if she liked it. She would have no idea what they were talking about, but would right away suspect that I was buying something for me in the open.

She has no idea how many clothes I have, nor whether I bought them on line of FtF.

But Sherry is right. Act normal, even though the truth is in plain sight.

I get the concern about the fair, although I would expect a little openness just maybe. But Pride? That's like going to Vegas.

Yeah. That’ll happen. And it's what you have to do to keep your secret a secret.

You might be able to get away with it in pride, though. Maybe a festive mask? That might work, .Or some sunglasses.

I agree with others that it shouldn't be a problem.
Tracii, totally. Wifeling complained about my use of my real name on here. I said that if that outed me to someone it'd rather beg the question of why they were here in the first place!

Steffi,
It's not a problem for me now but I recall shopping for makeup in drab mode when a very good friend of my son's stopped to chat , we were standing by the range of makeup displays and I had nail polish and other items in my wire baskest he kept glancing at them and smiling , I still wonder if he said something but that's all water under the bridge now .

I know the festival in question is not a gay pride one but in response to some replies...

Straight people sometimes go to the gay pride events. Also, a gay person could, maliciously or not, out a man they know as a crossdresser.

OK I get it you enjoy living in fear of your spouse and or being discovered but yet you shop for dresses in public /guy mode?
I think you secretly want to get caught.
But hey do your thing who am I to tell you what to do?
I just point out things that people do and say that just don't make sense.
Just my observations of funny things CDers do.

Pride events are for the LBGTQ poeple and their supporters and allies. Also they are a lot of fun. You should go even if it is as your alter ego.

Tracii G

I'd liken it to the sledge hammer game typically at the carnival.

My wife knows I dress and she knows that I go out dressed. I'm always afraid that one of these days I'll do something (or have something done to me) that hits the bell on the sledge hammer game. That's when we might go from DADT to divorce court.

I don't secretly want to get caught; been there, done that. Whenever I do anything related to CDing, I'm taking a change that my wife will find out and react badly. It's a calculated risk, but a risk nonetheless. Every once in a while I get a new datapoint for the risk analysis and have to recalculate my risk.

Since I haven't been to DC Pride before, I have no data with which to make a risk assessment. But knowing that people that know both me and my wife makes going to Pride more risky than when I didn't know that they were going.

Walking a razor's edge with Divorce on one side?
Yeah my risk assessment would tell me the line needs to be further back. My marriage means too much to me.
You're already going out dressed, Steffi. It does rather seem like you're pushing it a little but 🤷*♀️

Mostly, I only go out with trans friends, but in public places. I try to assess the risks to me ans to our relationship in every situation.

Truth is, I don't know what it would take to ring the bell. I just think that getting outed to a dozen people she knows would be getting close.

Every time we were seen together she might wonder what her friends are thinking about her, for example

What does she see in him?
Why are they still together?
Is she a Lesbian?
Is the really "into" seeing her hubby dressed?
What does she get out of this?

etc., etc.

How homophobic can it be to consider going to a pride event as risky.
Nothing is going to happen more than likely.
If you see someone you know what is really going to happen?
You are both scared someone will think you are gay? OMG the world is going to explode.
The whole risk assessment angle shows how fearful you are.

Steph,

You and I are very similar on our situations. But as far as Pride goes, I see it just like going out to certain venues with a certain crowd. Sure someone could see and recognize you and report back or accidentally out you. But the probability of that happening is really low. I face the divorce dilemma as well. Eventually you need to decide if you can hang your boots up or wear them. As long as we are in this half in half out situation, we will always be uneasy and looking over our shoulders.

Tracii, To be fair, Steph mentioned trepidation up front. Other posters amplified it. You and I know Steph well enough to recognize that she is not entirely petrified to go out.

This whole DADT, living a secret life, walking on eggshells, hiding, lying, stashing clothes, dressing in the car, MUST be very exhausting

Oh I know its a "thing" Meghan and I am well aware she does go out.
Its that fear of the unknown and nagging fear that someone will think you are gay if they see you.
I agree Majella that has to be a taxing life.

Yes, it is exhausting. I don't have a good answer for that, and like anything in life, everyone needs to decide what compromises they are willing to live with, and what it is worth either way. Complaining may not be constructive but then again keeping a lid on all of it may also result in an explosion.