Can't figure her out

Thank you all for the Birthday wishes. It wasn't the week I expected, it started last Saturday when I dressed pretty and when my wife seen me she asked me if I lost weight. I never thought my wife checked me out while dressed but we did pack on few pounds during the Covid but I told her I haven't been on the scale but I feel the bra feels a little better, my pantyhose aren't rolling down and I feel the dress just fell much better. She instantly starts with how is it so easy for me and why she can't lose weight . I remind her with the restrictions lifting I've been very busy at work and been out of town a few times. Tuesday night I dressed again and my wife told me she wished she had my body with those long legs and that she would wear so many dresses if she had my body (as long as I could remember my wife always hated wearing dresses). She started saying she wanted to join something and how I looked so good and why she can't lose weight. Thursday morning I woke up and she told me she had a dream that I had an affair, I told her I guess in her dream I was dressed as a women and I had an affair with a man. She got upset and wouldn't tell me her dream because she said I answered her sarcastically. Yesterday I usally go on my Friday night drive, I asked her since we didnt have any plans that I was going to get dressed for my drive. She suggested why we don't just chill out together instead of me going for a drive. I staired at her because she has never been one to hold me back and I was trying to figure out what was going on, was this a show of power or testing the waters of where my priorities are. I told her OK but as much as I love my Friday night drive, I know how much she enjoys her open a bottle of wine Friday night catch up on soap operas and Netflix series. So I sat there playing Candy Crush being punished watching soap opera over soap opera and one hour in my wife tells me she sees I'm bored and maybe I should go for the drive. Well at that point my body wound down and I was tierd and just went and fouled around with the guitar, no explanation of why she wanted me to stay. Today we went out with the family to celebrate my birthday and when everyone left my wife asked me since I missed last nights drive if I wanted to go tonight. I asked her if she was sure and I decided to go. I got dressed and put my male clothes on top and I was leaving and she asked me what I was wearing and I told her. She then asked me to show her and she made me strip down and she checked me out and gave me a ok that I could go.
This was not the Birthday week I expected and I don't know what she's thinking and what phase she's going though. This is one of those red flag moments, just don't know to bring it up and see what's going on or just maybe lay low and see where she's going with this. Or maybe I should just eat and gain the weight back, seems like she going though some self confidence phase. Has anybody here wife do a 360 like this or could someone suggested a safe next step.

Debating if I should answer this post .Because you really will not like my reply.
Shut the computer off and then decided I need to answer and came back.

You drive every Friday
Your wife never seems to ( reading posts for years) ever ask to put her needs first.
This is not like her to ask you to stay home, she evidently needed you, your attention.

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So I sat there playing Candy Crush being punished watching soap opera over soap opera and one hour in my wife tells me she sees I'm bored and maybe I should go for the drive. Well at that point my body wound down and I was tierd and just went and fouled around with the guitar, no explanation of why she wanted me to

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From your description I picture you being all sulky because one flipping Friday night she wanted / needed you for whatever reason ( she had a premonition) (she felt unwanted) ( felt down ) you could not give her that .

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could someone suggested a safe next step

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Instead of asking a bunch of strangers who does not know your wife ask her. Also try to act like your driving dressed DOES NOT mean more to you than her.
I want you to please wake up, many here would give anything to have the support you have. Treat her as such.

Hi Maria, my suggestion is to ask her.

Oh, and if she asks you to stay with her, I suppose that she wants you to watch the soaps with her, or at least do something together. Next time you could say "ok, but can I chose the show?". I would bet 100 USD that she would say ok. Yesterday's afternoon I wanted to watch Top Gun on the TV (the 1986 movie). I told my wife just in case she might want to see it with me, expecting a resounding no for this type of film. She said "yes". She didn't care about the movie. But the last time we saw it it was together at the theater, 36 years ago, as a three year-old teenager couple.

About the dream: wives of CDers are generally worried about being with a gay husband who will eventually leave them. Maybe your wife actually dreamed about an affair between Maria and a man. If that's the case and you made a joke out of it, no wonder that she refused to tell you. If she's reading these forums, she knows how common this fantasy, or actual experience, is among CDers.

Maria, the key to a long and happy marriage is communication. Granted, it's hard work sometimes. And, requires that u both go all in on it.

Personally, I think you're wasting your time trying to figure out your wife from us online. The best we can do is guess.

If u want answers that mean something? One evening, open a bottle of wine, turn off the soaps, put away the guitar, and ask her!:battingeyelashes:

My wife sometimes has dreams about me cheating on her. It has nothing to do with CDing, it has to do with her fear that I might someday leave her. Perhaps your wife is the same. I'd suggest you put down your phone and ask if there's something you could watch together that you'd both enjoy.

As to the rest, you're trying to understand women. Good luck with that.

Hi Maria, It does sound like you are on some thin ice with your very accepting wife. Nothing in life stays the same and maybe it is time for you to to stay home and listen to what she is saying. Sulking and acting like you are punished is not a good way to go about this bump in the road.
Maybe the dream was about you and her sister, it is pretty obvious your SIL has some interest in you and your dressing.
Add to that she is feeling fat and she thinks you have lost weight and look good, this has red flags all over it.
I think you need to take care of business on the home front.

- Just one thought to add to what the others said. Your wife was obviously rattled by her dream. I dream a lot myself and many are nightmares. My wife has to awaken me from them fairly often. Most of the the time I blow it off. Oh, just a dream. One time I had one of those dreams where my wife walked in the house with some guy to have sex with him while I was there. I can tell you that one rattled me - a lot. If you had realized she was actually very rattled by her dream, you probably would have been a bit more compassionate about it. I am not saying this to be critical. It is really for all here to understand these kind of dreams can be very upsetting to some people, and they need some reassurance afterwards. Perhaps that is all you were dealing with and did not realize it.

Sandi

I don't think I would go as far as Di on this, but Di does make some excellent points. Your post is mostly about you and what you want and there is little evidence of much sharing going on. It is quite obvious to me that your wife is unhappy and perhaps a bit lonely right now and you basically rejected her and refused to share or show an interest in the important things in her life even though they might not be very important in your life. Your attitude of watching soap operas because your wife enjoys them as "punishment" is way off and, I'm sorry, but rather stereotypically male/masculine. Marriage is a give and take and in this post I don't see much giving on your part. She needed your presence. She just wanted to share something with you and you punished her for asking for that. Not good and not very female-like.

Back when I first came out I would go to a group therapy session on Saturday evenings. I was very focused on finding out more about this phenomenon of accepting that I am partly female-like and all that seems to include. One Saturday night she asked me if I could stay home with her and she told me that she did not like it that I was gone EVERY Saturday evening until about 10 to 10:30.

I didn't get it. I was so focused on my mission that I forgot about her feelings in favor of my feelings and wishes. It was a noble quest I was on, but making it so 24/7 was destroying my relationship with my wife because I can now see that she felt she did not matter - only my problem mattered.

Your next step, in my mind, is to pull back and shift your attention to the relationship between you and her in the context of your marriage (sharing your life together) and not the context of your gender identity issues. Not easy to do, but at this point I feel it is quite critical. And I think this is what Di is saying. Your wife is accepting of your dressing; but you seem to not be very accepting of her needs, wishes and desires. In my opinion, that is not a good path and I suspect may be the cause of a significant number of the failed marriages among people like us.

You can't figure her out because you aren't talking to her about her feelings. Sitting around sulking, looking bored, playing Candy Crush while obviously she wants some hubby time just made her feel worse.

Have you thought of inviting her on your "drive"? Maybe you two could talk in the car.

Frankly I'm surprised at you. She has been your biggest supporter. Don't act like a child if you don't get your way. She didn't do any about face on you. She is just asserting herself as to what she needs. You may want to listen.

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Originally Posted by Maria 60

She got upset and wouldn't tell me her dream because she said I answered her sarcastically.

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Years ago, I participated in an emotional intimacy class. One of the ground rules of the class was that negative comments, including sarcasm (even if joking) were not allowed. As we got further on in the class, we learned that sarcasm can break trust. Ok, it's not a big break trust kind of thing, but when a person is trying to open up something to you that is deep inside them, they need a receptive, supportive listener. Sarcasm can shut that down, and prevent the person from sharing their innermost thoughts. It's a form of microaggression. 100% pure open communication can't happen unless there is deep, abiding trust between two people. 100% openness is hard to achieve. It's a level of trust that runs deeper than anything you've felt before.

I'm a very sarcastic person. It can be hard to restrain myself towards my wife, but I do it knowing how it degrades communication.

There are many good points being made here but IMO listen carefully to what Di and Char have to say. It is worth 10x more then anything we can say.

Without reading any other responses.........It was your birthday weekend. Maybe she wanted to chill out with you. Enjoy you. I read some nice compliments. So, you stay home but engage in some sole activity. You may as well not been there. I can think of several ways to have distracted her from watching boring soaps. You summed up your attitude. You were bored. Surprised the dishware was not headed your way!

Dear Maria,

Take note of these great replies. All the clues you need are in your post. Your wife is jealous of how you present as a woman. Have you expressed your love for her, no matter the ravages of time? Her dream was about you being more attractive than her. That seems fairly obvious.
That you don't invite her for a drive is astounding negligence. Two gals out for a drive together, maybe a stop at the Dairy Queen? How many girls on this forum would die for that opportunity? In a heartbeat, most would love watching her soaps and sharing wine.
Candy Crush! Instead of quality time with your spouse? You got a problem and it's not her.

Terri

My wife was quite accepting, but I needed to carefully avoid stirring up her own body issues.
She refused to go into Victoria's Secret at the local mall. I think she waited outside just once before I figured it out.

Marion

Thanks for the great response. I know there's a lot of speculation when we write something we can't write every detail. Everyone seems to get this impression that when my wife asked me to stay home that I was sulking. I was playing my Candy Crush because I suggested not only to maybe watch a movie we can both watch I suggested lets go out for an ice cream. She told me that Friday nights is about her and she wanted to watch her shows. That's what she did, she asked me to stay in which I was ok with (not sulking) but she wanted to do her alone thing. I know I can't write every word or event that happened and people would have no choice but to speculate.
When I told my wife about my dressing and she was ok with it, I thought every women would be ok with it and I was very confident in everything I did towards it. I was very surprised when I joined here and to hear a lot of women were against it and it started making me second guess. I'm in a little of unfamiliar territories because my wife never really had any negative thoughts of my dressing until last week.
Thanks again for your great responses.

Maria, my two cents. She was looking for some attention from you. For you to put her needs ahead of your own. Rather than playing candy crush you should have held her while you watched TV, especially after telling you about the dream.

Sometimes our SOs need reassurance and a few compliments from time to time. My advice is never take your SO for granted. Consider her needs too. She has been very accommodating . Compromise might be the key.

What's already been said.

But also, if your wife has struggled with weight loss, bringing up that you have lost weight will never go well. She noticed, you saying it just makes it worse. She might take that as bragging or worse a comment on her not losing weight as fast.

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Originally Posted by alwayshave

Maria, my two cents. She was looking for some attention from you. For you to put her needs ahead of your own. Rather than playing candy crush you should have held her while you watched TV, especially after telling you about the dream.

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I agree with this.
Discussing her weight is pretty much a no no so don't go there.
If she thinks you lost weight or look good in a dress just say thank you