12 months after discovering the word “crossdresser”

This is a long one - a resume of the year and a thank you to everyone here.

After 12 years of occasionally wearing panties under my male clothes I got rid of them all around 20th december 2014. I later discovered this was called “purging”. By Christmas Eve I had to buy new ones, and by early January, for the first time I thought about trying women’s clothes, checked out “clothing for transvestites” online, and from there discovered the world of CD.

It has been quite a year (understatement). I settled eventually into a “man in a dress” mode of being, conducting work, meetings, client sessions and daily life in ladies clothing and a few days beard. I’ve gone out in drab less than 6 times in these 12 months, all at the behest of my wife, to cater to her fears. The neighbours all know, so does my business network(*), so do my relatives apart from my parents-in-law (who suspect for sure) at my wife’s request. It’s my clothes, so i don’t call it crossdressing, the old manclothes are gone apart from a couple of things left for manual work and a mothballed suit.

I have delved into my life, my shaping experiences to discover some causes or reasons. Like many here, the end discovery is no real reason, just the urge to be dressed. Together with chronic testicular pain and a loathing of shaving my face these are aspects of what I now realise is a dysphoria (one of many new words i discovered this year). I found for example my ankle and knee problems were resolved by wearing heels - as if my body was literally asking for this - 3.5” seems perfect, and I get along fine in them.

The jigsaw puzzle of my life has fallen into place, better than any sense before. Possibly its down to hormone levels in-utero and through adolescence, possibly its down to life’s experiences, to being different, to not fitting in. I’m a member of the high-functioning autist tribe, the dyslexic tribe, the dyspraxic tribe, but I never felt I belonged to them. I don’t feel I belong to the CD either; the interests are not really mine.

The affinity I feel is with women, from playing with girls as a child, to having what my wife called my “harem” in work (a group of collaborators, mostly female, totally nonsexual of course). I have so many female friends, always been able to chat, have a cuppa. It’s to blindingly obvious in hindsight, it’s something perceptive people have hinted and joked at over the years. They knew but chose to leave me to discover it for myself. I would not have listened before, anyway.

The feeling of happiness when dressed en-femme, the feeling of being the real me this way is the icing on the cake really. So, thank you all for being here, for being the crossdressers forum, covering the whole TG spectrum of which I do feel part.

The next year I won’t predict. I’m going to explore, make some first steps and see where they lead. I don’t know if I need to change my birth name or just treat it as now feminised.

Thanks again to all I’ve met this year, wow, some journey and experience.

xxx Pamela

(*) my website still represents me as my old identity, that’s part of 2016 to redress.

Congrats it sounds like you are finding more of you...I hope to do the same!

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Originally Posted by pamela7

After 12 years of occasionally wearing panties under my male clothes I got rid of them all around 20th december 2014. I later discovered this was called “purging”. By Christmas Eve I had to buy new ones, and by early January, for the first time I thought about trying women’s clothes, checked out “clothing for transvestites” online, and from there discovered the world of CD.

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Wow, change "2014" to "2011" and you have pretty much described me. Many here question the veracity of late blooming, musing "How could you not know, we all knew from birth!", but the fact is that I suppressed the thought of being TG, even to myself, for decades. Even when I "experimented" I wrote it off as an intellectual exercise.

Pamela, thanks for providing a point of validation for us late bloomers. It took a long time to happen for us, but isn't it wonderful that it did? :)

It has been a pleasure to meet you Pamela, you have done a lot this year. I thought that crossdressing was done by gay men, I wouldn't have a relationship with a man just fantasies when im dressed I don't know what 'bracket' i am in. I started to look into crossdressing and i was suprised to find out that a lot of straight men like to dress, that put a lot of confusion to rest. I wanted to talk to people like me and this was the first place I found and I have not regretted clicking onto the link. I am so happy I have met so many great people on here. Since joining almost 2 months ago I have been dressing so much more and I have felt so much better within myself.

I hope you have a great 2016. Much love
Charlotte

thank you Eryn,
Yes it's a difficult path. Looking back, i know how i had to be the male presence in the household, and my intense jealousy from my sister's birth at 1.5 years was in no lack due to her being allowed/given all the female privilege - emotionally and energetically as all preverbal then. It was differentiating from her that kept me so into the male side for so long, that hid my real self from myself. Then a long road of life's happenings. It's also taken 15 years of intense personal work to undo all my structures and allow my primal self in.

I don't think i can validate late-bloomers, especially not in eyes that don't want to accept us, but I am very glad to have a fellow late bloomer on whom I hope i can call for reference on what's going on - next!

xxx

Glad you feel you're finding yourself Pamela... :cheer:

Of course, we all wait with bated breath to see what 2016 will bring for you (and many of us, too... :battingeyelashes:)

Of anyone here, you certainly seem to have taken the bull by the horns.. (or should that perhaps be: the heifer by its milk dispensers..? :heehee:)

Here's a toast to spectra of all sorts... :wine:

Katey x

Hi Pamela,

What a year!

You have travelled so far, so fast, in just twelve months, it's difficult to imagine the enormity of change in such a short period. The fact that it has been so visible to people in almost every aspect of your life - family, work, even the neighbours - will have made for the most dramatic of years in perception of yourself and by others.

Many of us might feel a sense of achievement or mere progress by accomplishing only one or two of the changes you've brought about. I am truly delighted that you now feel so happy.

I'd be really interested to know what you felt was the trigger twelve months ago to become so liberated or "unconstrained", if I can call it that.

I love how you describe all the CD world vocabulary that you have acquired since landing on this site. That resonated with me. I was conscious when writing my introduction to the site a few weeks ago that I was using all kinds of terms for things I've always felt and known about myself. I soon realised that these were much better and more succinctly expressed in CDese. Now, there's a new language we can all be fluent in!

May I wish you a wonderful 2016.

Love, Michelle

Discovery is such joy. Whether it,'s a new continent or a new dress discovering what you need to complete your life as you, is what makes our lives whole. Good luck for 2016 Pam.:)

I am so happy for you!

Early on when I thought about wearing womens clothes I thought it was done by transvestites gay men ,female impersonators ,didn't know what a crossdresser was.Soon discovered thats what I am,a straight man who needs to let his femme side out.

I am so glad for you Pamela...keep moving forward and never look back

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Michelle Girl

I'd be really interested to know what you felt was the trigger twelve months ago to become so liberated or "unconstrained", if I can call it that.
Love, Michelle

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The previous 14 years passed shedding selves, aspects and constructs, playing in beingness, did help a little :-). Okay, it helped a lot, no hangups really. Every boundary crossed leads to the next, and the next.

The trigger was to realise the joy of being dressed as a female.

After that its been more like a flower unfolding in the sunshine than being liberated or unconstrained. Those who know me from before would not have described me as constrained. As my sister grew up and spent her entire life as the family drama queen (no-one else was allowed a drama), it's now time for "move over, bitch, there's a new queen in town and it's her turn to play some drama!". :-)

Pamela you've done a remarkable job in such a short time, you really have. You make us all proud thats for sure. When I was much younger I wouldn't accept who I was and that developed into alot of hatred and animosity toward people who were different now 30 plus year later accepting it, I definitely would not change a thing, should of accepted which I was sooner.keep up the good work Pamela and have a great new year

Reading these kinds of stories always makes me happy. Stories like these are what gave me the courage to step out and and try to find what it is i'm looking for. Hope this new year is even better than the last!

Wow, it has been a year Pamela. Hope all the best for you in 2016. I'm sure that many of us will change a lot over the next year. It was good seeing you on the posts.

news update - now out on facebook to my entire social world, including therefore pretty much all my clients and work contacts (and their friends) - so far the feedback is good, looks like i'm going to intro a gay former client (2005 - long ago) to the world of CD - not bad for a few hours ;-)