Backwards progress with wife

Last time I posted, last year, I felt I was making progress with my wife, she seemed to hate the idea of me dressing less and less. However I still only do it behind closed doors and have nothing but my own thoughts, and my outlet on here to guide me.

Yesterday I told me wife I planned to go shopping today, I was once again terrified to talk to her. I have not been this year because I have still not accepted myself. First thing she says is why, do you need something? I replied no, to which she said oh its just to feed your addiction then.

This morning I planned to leave early however my wife made herself busy. When I asked when is good for me to leave she was very cold and clearly not happy. I told her I planned to be back at 5 to which she said why do you need so long. I offered not to go but of course she would feel mean for not letting me go.

So I am 2 hours from home free to shop and feeling a bit down, nothing I really like the look of I don't even know what I want. I do have a list with the end goal to go cd support group but I just feel like that cant happen without my wifes support so whats the point of shopping. Currently people watching to get better appreciation of womens shoes and what to wear them with.

Summary is by me not going out shopping for 8 months my wife probably thought I am cured, whereas I thought I am being good not going often. I am sure I will have a good chat with my wife tonight giving this mornings events.

Sorry to hear that Maria, but there is a lesson here: Communication is the keystone of any relationship.

As difficult as it may be, you two need to talk about the elephant in the room, otherwise you run into the problem you encountered: different perspectives & opinions.

Without talking, misconceptions are created

Hi Maria,

One thing to realize is that shopping takes work and while it can be enjoyable you aren't always going to find what you want.

My last shopping foray lasted all day and I found nothing at most of the stores I visited.

So don't be so disappointed that you didn't find anything. Happens more than you realize.

With a goal of going to a support group, I'd suggest making a list of things you need to get and going from there. Attack the list in small bites and in the end you'll have everything you need.

With regard to the issues with your wife I can only reinforce Jodie Lynn's comment about communications.

Yes, women seem think that the compulsion to dress is something that will go away and never return. The other side of this is they think that if we get our "fill" of dressing we'll leave it behind. I think your wife was in the first category. Be aware of the 2nd if she starts to push you to dress. When it doesn't work, and it won't, her reaction won't be good.

Good Luck and remember, we're always here.

Love,
Linda W.

My guess is you have mistaken silence for a degree of tolerance. Shopping is likely not the issue. I don’t know how often the two of you talk about the subject, but if you ever want to make actual progress, the key will be found in conversation and at least some measure of mutual understanding.

I'm so sorry, it doesn't sound like she approves at all.

Trying to sort all this out while in a relationship was to much for me. I have been separated for over 4 years now.

This is a lot for anyone to deal with alone, you may need outside help.

I hope you can work this out.

Love Jean

It's funny but shopping has been like the key to all this with my wife. She doesn't really have any shopping friends, and for years we would go together and I would find somewhere to sit and read. Now we browse through the clothes together and talk about what we think would look good on eachother, well mostly her LOL, but she loves to suggest things for me, and always makes sure I buy something. Now I'm not going out dressed and that wouldn't work for her unless I could be super passing.

If she starts approving more and suggests you go out shopping for longer time frames be careful she may be doing some "extracurricular activities".
Don't be afraid to talk with her you are a man right? Stand up for yourself she just might respect you more.

I see two issues in your post. To me it is obvious your wife is not just on board with your dressing, but, is totally hostile. If she views your crossdressing is an addiction her beliefs are based on a lack of knowledge. She needs to be educated. To me there is a difference between positive acceptance and even tolerance than hostile hurtful words. Your wife does not need to actively participate. I think couples counseling or even singular counseling for her would be beneficial.

If you're not acceptance yourself as you stated, then it becomes compounded when your wife throws hostile barbs at you. That surely throws cold water on your activities. I found myself in that situation thirty plus years ago. I thought I needed my wife's approval to validate who I was and was not. It took a long time for me to sort through all the self imposed crap to realize I did not need my wife's approval for self validation. My end result is a very deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I do not overtly drag my wife into any cross dressing and she has never thrown a barb or ill word my direction. I think you would benefit from counseling and engaging in a support group. It may not change your wife's opinion on the issue until she gets educated.

My wife summed up an issue we had once with a very simple sentence. She told me "It's alright with me if you go fishing, but, don't expect me to clean the fish." Sort of go do it, but, don't ask me to come along. It can work fine.

Stephanie you some conclusions that I came to myself, and essentially it hurt and the only place I have to vent/rant and share is here. Thanks to you all for the comments and different perspectives, I really appreciate them all.

Tracii I think I am more mouse than man, at least when it comes to topics I know will hurt my wife by me just being honest. But I also know by avoiding those convos I am just lying to myself and making it work.

As for convos, we don't discuss it hardly ever, elephant is always there for me and she often forgets (she admits this). So I know communication is key, hence I am not asking advice here but always welcome it.

In the end I bought 2 bras, 1 on sale the other a convertable strapless 2x boost which I have been looking for (dont use forms yet) and 2 dresses from charity shops, so not a wasted day at least.

Linda thanks for your kind words. I did make a list and struggled, the idea of going to a support group scares me so I want to put together a good outfit problem is I dont know how. Shoes was on list, I only own 2 pairs which I would have to describe as stripper/clubbing shoes. I dont know whether I should buy sandles, slip on, boots, or what colour. Then all that is compounded by the fear if my wife decides she wants to see what I bought, buying normal shoes shows the intent to go out. She knows I want to go support group though, as always fear is in my head.

Outside help is something I keep considering but as with most things I put it off.

Maria, I hope u realize the self damage u r doing by NOT discussing this? Not only r u building resentment toward your SO but toward your self esteem. U obviously feel your dressing is "wrong". And, that it's hurting your SO. When in fact NOT dressing maybe hurting your relationship even more!:straightface:

U may not even be able to figure what u want from your dressing until u begin to dressing and talk about it. If not with your SO, start with a compassionate counselor. Or, pull up your panties and attend a local T meeting. Maybe you'll find a sympathetic friend there? I have met countless at T events over the years!:hugs:

Maria, You do ned to talk more frequently and openly with your good lady, I am sure it is difficult for some to come to terms with hubby wanting to dress but as I say the basis of all of this is talking, keeping quiet or not opening up a dialog will not bear fruit in the future.
Please talk more with your good lady, explain to her the roots and medical reasons of whuy we dress. If you would like to PM me I can give you catagorically agreed and admitted evidence and reasons for why we dress and why there are different sexual orientations within our ciomminuty.

Thanks both. Had a good chat with wife, ups and downs, we really need to keep dialogue open this time. She suggested I got to support group and potentially as a regular thing so hoping that will help focus me towards something and keep communication flowing.

Thanks everyone for you support as always.

That sounds like a good plan.
Now a support group is not close to what benefit you would get from a therapist but a support group helped me enough that I found my answers within that group and didn't need a therapists help.
Keep the communication open and civil and don't go too fast.
There is no time limit or schedule that needs to be kept so take all the time you need

I agree with Tracii. Anything more from me would be duplicative and repetitive....

Maria, when my wife is not talking to me, I know I'm in it up to my knees.

Maria,
I've been there and lived that one, it's like having a bucket of cold water thrown at you ! The whole question of why you need to shop goes out the window , if all you're going to do is find a few precious moments to slip the items on before the wife arrives home and hope she doesn't catch you out . You'll never find yourself and discover your real needs while you live this way .

To go forwards sometimes you need to go backwards. I have my wifes support (her words) to attend a CD support group on thursday after a little conversation tonight. I am going as my male self, any they know and welcome that, but baby steps.

I am very pleased with the outcome and I just hope this time I keep the comms going.