It's actually fortunate....

To be apart of this community, because I feel like I belong somewhere. My therapist recommended me to come here more.

Outside of my trans issues, I've always felt like I was too different for society, as if my existence was a mistake. However, I'm not alone in feeling that way, which makes things more interesting on reading and hearing out similar or different struggles that resonates with me over the last few years.

Coming here is pretty positive and informative, which makes the difference of feeling inspired by each of your experiences on why it's needed to love myself a little more. I think that's all that counts, being mostly a lurker.

I'm just giving thanks to this forum and the people in it, if that's ok?

Bandile,
I know we have little information but I hope your therapist can work on your feelings of being different or outside society , this section especially can show being trans doesn't place us outside society , when we find ourselves we can integrate .

Talking to others can't be underestimated but it's important to remember an online forum isn't the real World , finding help or social groups gives the opportunity to meet others face to face .

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Originally Posted by Bandile

To be apart of this community, because I feel like I belong somewhere. My therapist recommended me to come here more.

Outside of my trans issues, I've always felt like I was too different for society, as if my existence was a mistake. However, I'm not alone in feeling that way, which makes things more interesting on reading and hearing out similar or different struggles that resonates with me over the last few years.

Coming here is pretty positive and informative, which makes the difference of feeling inspired by each of your experiences on why it's needed to love myself a little more. I think that's all that counts, being mostly a lurker.

I'm just giving thanks to this forum and the people in it, if that's ok?

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Bandile,

". . . if that's ok?"

Whether it's on this forum or in life outside I don't think anyone gets tired of being thanked. But around here it means a couple things; first you feel welcome and validated, second it means that while each of us is unique and traveling our own path there are experiences of value we can share. Given that, I suggest it's equally important that you do speak up from time to time and not just lurk. That gives the rest of us the kind of perspective we wouldn't otherwise have.

And yes, you belong and not just here. As you work through the complex issues of life you will find you belong wherever you want to be.

Here's a quick story of "outside of society" that might make u feel less alone.

When do we enter "society? " For me it was kindergarten, be for that I had never known anything outside my family and occasional neighborhood kid I really didn't know.

So, the first month of kindergarten, 1979, I enter the circle of other children called 'peers' for the first time in life

I have one friend there; a quiet girl called Dusty, and we would play alone together while all of the other kids would be um, socializing, playing in large groups.

I was happy and we would play puzzles and read picture books while the other kids rough-housed on the block forts and jungle gyms,

The 'society' game the main group played was usually 'fort' and they had to have someone to 'keep off the fort' and that was usually me and Dusty.

So from month #1 in 'society' I was playing the troll. But at least I had a friend.

Until one day I didn't. I turned around one time, and suddenly Dusty was on the block fort being accepted and having a great time.

I asked her to come read a book with me, play a puzzle, etc. but it was a no go, social pressure is an overwhelming thing I guess. I started crying and begging, and she said the most hurtful thing I never forget.

She looked at me like a lost soul, and said "it's too late for me. I am one of THEM now."

A child's role-play phrase, to be sure, but in that moment it was my whole world crashing down. I lost everything to 'society' in five seconds.

Then she turned away and started playing with the other kids and I was all alone. Now Dusty too was treating me like a troll and keeping me off the block fort.

I turned all red, and noticed that there was one large wooden block against the wall that they hadn't used to construct this big 'fort' and I picked it up, and I snuck up behind Dusty, waiting until her back was turned, and I smashed her in the back of her head as hard as I possibly could at age 5. Everyone screamed including the teacher, and I got in a lot of trouble.

From that moment onward my school career was one of a solitary troll. The next year, first grade, I was sat alone in the corner all year, second grade was the same, third grade I was taken away to 'gifted school' for the last month and told I was some kind of genius, but came right back in the 4th grade, when the idea of medicating me started to be floated, which I harshly rejected, causing me further 'troll' status, but now with a mental illness stigma on top.

Having no friends, I had an imaginary one in my head and would fantasize adventures, sitting in a corner while all the other kids played and ate lunch. This girl in my head was my only friend for years, and when I finally ended up at a psychiatrist and told them about her I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and institutionalized and forcibly medicated to 'kill' her. Then came 'special' schools with padded rooms and restraint chairs with large straps, and short buses, people watching to make sure I took pills, all that fun stuff.

That I could not abide, and my phisical health began to fail as well, so my family ended up having to move to a new state to start over, where I did somewhat better as a recluse living in the mountains, where I still am today decades later.

I try not to think too hard about 'society' and my place in it. I love individual people, but not as a group.

To the first two posters, yes, I understand and will remember that.

Wen4cd, that was interesting. My diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder, but I was put up for different reasons. I was considered to be a danger to society by my former psychiatrist back then. Though I was told that I was misunderstood by another provider and needed management.

I've always been uncomfortable around people and content on life time solitude as a result, due to having very dark secrets about myself. I've always felt that I'm not worthy of this life or being in the lives of others.

I'm working with my therapist on the issue. I often question what is the truly right or wrong way of living, but I recently feel that solitude has been hurting me in recent times, as if something is missing.

Bandile,

I'm happy you are here with us. This forum pretty much was my therapy. Reading/writing here, as well as reading few good books, helped me to find me. More importantly, I feel like after so many years, I am still on this journey, and I still find it very helpful to be here for myself and help others.
Hugs!

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Originally Posted by Bandile

I often question what is the truly right or wrong way of living, but I recently feel that solitude has been hurting me in recent times, as if something is missing.

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Loneliness is a bitter friend I've found. I'm glad you're at least hanging out online talking to ppl. *Hugs*