T-junction

Dear all,

I haven’t been frequenting these forums much ever since I joined. Just an occasional look around now and then. But I’ve been having a hard time with myself lately and would like to share with you. I won’t go into much detail, just the things I believe add to the picture of where I currently find myself.

For as long as I remember I've found myself attracted to feminine things. Mother’s makeup, cousin’s skirts and jewellery, long nails, too - you name it. I was raised in a rather conservative family when it comes to masculinity, so naturally these explorations were covert and infrequent. I don’t remember a time when I would not resent masculinity and what’s expected of me being a man. I would lean towards activities and social groups where either I’d be neutral or where the line separating the genders could naturally come blurry.

I constantly had difficulty expressing myself, being creative and often simply going about the day to day things. My own ideas weren’t numerous and I would more often execute other’s wishes and expectations than pursuit my own dreams. This was getting worse for the last few years and I’ve been getting deep into depression rather recently.

My thoughts on transsexualism largely came from the stubborn opinions of my family and the somewhat twisted portrayals in the entertainment media. I wasn’t at all conscious of what my attraction to feminine things and the occasional wish to be a girl meant. It wasn’t until several years ago, however, when I ran into the cross dressing phenomenon, started looking for more information (crossdressers.com, too!) and realised cross dressing was a completely different thing.

My wife took some time to get over it once I came out as a cross dresser. Although, her initial reaction was pretty much “Tolerable as long as it ain’t in my backyard.” it did get a bit better with time. I mean, I’ve only once dressed with her home. Though generally speaking, she is more or less able to turn the blind eye on on this. I can cross dress every now and then and this used to be okay for a while but... I can hardly manage this Dr. Jekyll / Ms. Hyde play anymore. It just feels like Ms. Hyde is the real me and not the other way around. For about the first time in my life I know what I genuinely want.

Talks about transitioning aren’t something my wife takes easy. According to her the whole idea of transitioning (HRT with or without SRS) is not a valid medical intervention, that transsexualism is yet another disorder and ought to be treated with means other than transitioning. Oh, and she is aghast at the thought of having to live with a woman. She feels as though some other woman is stealing her husband away.

Some facts to make the situation a bit more complicated. My wife and I, we’ve been living together for nearly ten years now. We’ve three children, too. I love my family and I don’t want to lose them at all. At the same time, I very much worry that my transitioning would devastate my family.

So here I am at the T-junction. One road keeps me where I am, a happy family and friends without all the BS, a safe place but a life where I am this gray person at best. The other leads to the frighteningly dangerous unknown with the promise of being... myself.



I initially thought about asking for advice and help and it took me well over a week of thought to actually post it. Right now, I am not so sure of what I expect. Thoughts from aside are definitely welcome, but I feel just sharing this might do.



P.S. I am somewhat unsure if I'm posting this in the right subforum. My sincere apologies if so.

Not too sure of the availability of counselors trained in gender issues in your country, but you need to look into that help to explore your thoughts.

It is a hard choice to make and only you can decide what is best for you. Getting professional help is the best first step-transition is not easy; for you or your family. That said you have to be true to yourself, whatever that may be. Take your time, get help, and follow the process.

A lot of us have been where you are. I lost my wife, a second long term relationship, and one kid is accepting and supporting and the other won't talk to me. I get lonely and very unhappy. But with all the problems I do have, one thing Has changed. I am finally starting to like myself and that is a good feeling to finally have after all these years.

Dani

Thank you for your comments. Food for thought.

I have been attending psychotherapy for half a year now. Will continue to do so and well... Will see where that leads me to.

hi alice v, hi to all here; I am a crossdresser too. your wife is right to a degree, her man is being stolen by another woman. alice is the other. I am sure therapy will help, and you can wrap your head around which course to take. I lost my second wife steps to transitioning. put all thoughts away of dressing for 20yrs third wife never knew, but she passed 5yrs ago. I am just now thinking about trying againsome times what you lose you regain double.