How do you deal with an unhappy wife about crossdressing?

I've seen this term thrown around a lot - 'not sexual'. Im not really sure What you girls mean by it. It's definitely sexual for me to a certain extent and I really don't understand how dressing can't be - it's an extension of our sexuality in a certain sense and there's to denying that. I mean the main thought coursing through my head when I dress is that this makes me feel so much more aware of my sexuality and my sensual senses are just so much more elevated. How can something so erotic as dressing not be sexual. Please don't misunderstand me - I'm simply stating my perspective.

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Originally Posted by NicoleScott

As usual, Reine hits the nail on the head. I agree with everything she said except "let her know it's not sexual". Unless I missed something, we don't know that it's not sexual. Since the crossdressing cat is out of the bag, it's time to lay it all out, and if it's sexual, tell her so.
My wife knows that my dressing drive has a strong sexual component to it, and I think it's somewhat a relief to her, rather than her thinking that I have a feminine identity and want to be a woman (I don't). Also, some couples might use the sexual aspect to enhance bedroom activities, although it seems unlikely in this case.

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Lucidgirl, as one whose dressing has a strong sexual component, I appreciate others who say their dressing is sexual to some degree. Sometimes I think this forum is becoming less about crossdressing (for whatever reason) and more about transgender (not the umbrella definition, but use of the term to describe internal feminine identity many claim to have). Many crossdressers are quick to point out that their dressing does NOT have a sexual aspect to it, and others may not admit it, as if dressing because it excites is somehow deviant and identity dressing is more legitimate. Indeed, many posts take the opposite view you have (all dressing has a sexual aspect) by assuming that all dressers have a "woman inside". I only know the truth about my own drive, but I believe that there are many many crossdressers with a strong feminine identity who dress not because the clothes excite but because the clothes more accurately express their identity. Maybe another way of saying this is that for pleasure dressers, the clothes themselves are the primary to their dressing, while for identity dressers the clothes are secondary. I just wish all crossdressers would understand that what we have in common (dressing ) is driven by very different things, all legitimate. Some dressers don't dress for sexual or feminine identity reasons, but because they just prefer the look and feel of women's clothes over men's clothes.
My perspective is all I have, and I appreciate you stating yours.

I feel softer when I wear panties,bras,garters,and hose. Otherwise I fell more like the biker type, and I do ride as much as I can. It does feel good dressed under while on my bike.

It's really better to just divorce over it. If she gives you static about it all the time and if she has for quite some time. And if she has tried to bring you shame over crossdressing by capitalizing with all the steriotypical stigmatisms that society had created for us. Then have one week talk with her, and if not fixed or clarified, the move to divorce. I live in this world, I live in this kind of marriage. I've read thousands of stories just like yours. Some wives can accept and some claim they accept, ,,,,,,till you make them upset about something else, then they throw up crossdressing, even after they claim they accept. It's the yo yo syndrome. And while some on herew ill say to you to tell her this or tell her that, or to educate her. How long has she known? If you're still married to her one year from now, you will still be having the same problem with her about your crossdressing. Wives accept or they don't.

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Originally Posted by Tara-mxy

Wives accept or they don't.

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This is true. But they will likely accept more easily when they are given three things:

1. Education in terms of the plethora of knowledge that is out there now.
2. Communication, lots of it, which implies patience and understanding and a willingness for the husband to stick his neck out and talk about things that he is uncomfortable talking about.
3. Time to catch up. A CDer has taken years to come to a place of self-acceptance. Why can't his wife be given the same consideration?

Honestly, I think the biggest issue is that couples don't have good relationship skills. The high divorce rate among everyone, not just CDers, corroborates this. Few couples know how to set boundaries, talk, listen, and compromise.

It's no wonder when the husband says he wants to CD and his wife says no, he either goes underground or there is a divorce.

Having said this, there may well be instances when the husband wants to be more of a woman than his wife is prepared to live with (borderline between CD and TS in terms of presentation frequency, or wanting to come out to everyone, or permanent alterations in terms of the guy mode presentation), and in this case I agree it might be best for them to go their separate ways if the wife is not willing to live the lifestyle by default.

But to divorce just because the wife doesn't immediately get it or they haven't become adept at developing relationship skills? No. I think it's best to put the CDing aside for a little while until they do learn the skills, and then see how it goes.

This a great question for us married folks. I'm in the same boat in that she dislike this very much at this point. Their has been some progress in that she doesn't say much about me being hair free and she knows about my panties. Two years ago the panties would of been in the trash. The progress gives me some hope but I don't see her coming around totally. If I did not have young kids a divorce probably would of happened. I would be sad in that (I luv her alot). I THINK IT TAKES TIME FOR SOME WOMAN TO CHANGE. It might still happen .Their many stories on here about their wives accepting right away. That's not my expierience (wish it was), Some will say get a divorce but that can be selfish if you did not come clean at the beginning.If you came clean at the beginning and she was accepting (why did you marry her) There is a reason you and her got married. You know your wife better than we do. You got to ask yourself If you can be happy enough with how things are. Call me old fashion but when I got married I take the vow seriously.
today or ask yourself if thi

Hi Richell!
Your wife is unhappy about your crossdressing and you are trying to deal with it.
A very important factor is that she already knows and that's a big obstacle out of the way.
Does she know, as we all know, that your crossdressing will not simply go away?
Does she know that she is going to have to come to terms with crossdressing sooner or later, just like you?
Does she know about positive aspects of crossdressing, which I'm sure you're convinced of?
... and those are just some of the millions of questions and aspects that are well worth while ad(dressing) together.
Hoping all goes well,
Gaby

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

There is peace in our house as long as I keep it out of her face.

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This is how my S/O deals with me too! LOL

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Originally Posted by Sophie86

Being single isn't for everyone either, and the OP didn't ask for advice on how to get a divorce. :)

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Amen. Marriage is for some of us. OP didn't ask.

Kathi and others have it right when they say talk it out. "You don't want to go there" is almost a "bring it on" to me. Maybe I'm a bit more open to discussion than others? One of my wife's rules is "wear whatever you want", but it took time and patience to get there. Did I mention how much I love her????