coming out; electronically

I've been dating this girl for almost a year now. We live 45 minutes apart, and both have hectic schedules. We're lucky if we see each other once a weekend. In another words we have been taking things slow. Great for a crossdresser like myself. I have not told her that I am a crossdresser, nor do I even know where to begin. However our relationship has escalated the past month or so. Heavy petting has led her to feel my shaven legs once. Actually they were not shaved for about a month at that point. But the little stubbles of hair begged her to ask: "do you shave your legs". My nerves went on end, and I answered as nonchalantly as I possibly could: "yes". She asked nothing more from that point, and hasn't since then. So as far as I know she knows me to be strange, or peculiar.

Anyway our weekend "make out" sessions have been getting more and more involved. (I made it to second base, HEY NOW!) However I am now finding my feelings to be more and more mixed for her and of myself. Over the past year I have stopped and started crossdressing at least 3 times. I'm more acceptant of my crossdressing as more and more time passes by. The past few times we have been together I have been showing her more signs of rejection though. I feel as my secret is just a major betrayal to her trust. And now it has almost come to an ultimatum. The other night she wanted to spend the night, but I sort of blew her off because I can't stand the awkwardness of the situation. I want to tell her I just don't know how. I don't believe I can do it face to face. My words get jumbled up, my thoughts go all over the place when she is near and I even contemplate telling her about my secret.

Is it ok to at least start the conversation in an email? Any other advice would be awesome.

xo
k

God no. If you're gonna have this conversation it has to start and end face to face.

Agree. Not something you want to text or email about.

Why not just get her opinion about crossdressing in general before dropping your Bomb???? Then decide what to do from there. Her reaction will tell you where to go from there. :doh:

She has expressed once of a friend of hers that is actually MTF transgendered and a teacher. What she expressed wasn't disgust for her (the teachers) position, but she did not like the fact at all that this person was in education. Of corse I wanted to know more of why she felt this way but was afraid to get involved in this conversation for my own fears. She is mostly liberal, and I'm nearly positive that she doesn't have any problems with transgendered people. One of her best friend is gay.

I guess I kind of know that I shouldn't express myself to her in an email about my situation, however I don't know if I could ever tell her in person.

Thanks

Email is way too impersonal for something as important as revealing ones passion for crossdressing, especially to a significant other. If you can't find words, or get nervous over a person to person talk, perhaps a script, tactfully written in your own words would be effective. Of course you would have to memorize the script so it comes from you verbally. Try rehearsing in front of a mirror to gain confidence then you may be ready to tell her in person.

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Originally Posted by Jilmac

If you can't find words, or get nervous over a person to person talk, perhaps a script, tactfully written in your own words would be effective.

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thats not a bad idea, thanks Jilmac

You really need to either write it all down and be with her when she reads it, or talk face to face. Take it slow and be prepared for her questions, answer them as honest as you can don't keep anything from her because you think she might not want to hear it, if you do and it comes out later then she will want to know why you didn't tell her before. If you have the talk and things go ok then you might want to suggest this site and the FAB section, which is private and just for wives/partners of cd's and ts's, she will get a lot of support and advice.

Krystina, I highly recommend a face to face discussion. Words can be misconstrued and feelings hard to convey. Do this: write what you want to say, memorize it, and tell her to her face. Keep it short and informative. You can address some of the issues your mention in this post but an email is just too cold. She will have questions and an email can't answer them.

Having the conversation is a good way to explain why you've been distant, that it really isn't anything to do with her, it's more your own insecurities. Hopefully she'll understand from whatever way you decide to tell her

Thanks again everyone. I'm obviously new to this site, and so glad that I found it. It definitely helps reading about some other's experiences. I've got some words written down (as I was contemplating writing her an email to begin with). I felt it was kind of shallow move, and I'm glad I came here to ask. However I can take these words I've wrote down so far and hopefully find some way to convey them to her face to face.

Thanks again

"God no" basically sums it up. I hate electronic communication. I hate it. I may be an old "fart." I know "old farts" like me. We all hate it. It's almost impossible to get anyone to sit down and talk anymore. Telling your friend such a secret without a face to face discussion is....ugh! If she wants to let you get all the way from "second base" to "home plate" you need to have this discussion before the "home run." If you're going to talk face to face with her, don't do it in bed. Talk over a cup of coffee with a clear head.

Putting everything in letter form is a great idea, let her read the letter and sit right there with her.
Letters are personal and something she may refer back to on her own.
It shows you care about her and her feelings by taking the time to write it to her and only her.
Answer her questions honestly and if you don't know the answer tell her you don't know.
She may feel your opening up as a window into your very protective world and feel closer to you.
Good luck either way.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Good luck either way.

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I cannot express enough how thankful I am for all of your kind words. My nerves are still shot, but it feels really good to let this out and hear your thoughts.

When I finally got around to having the talk with my girlfriend(who is now my wife), I tried to get up the nerve for weeks, but kept chickening out. Finally, I decided that the best way to avoid wimping out was to tell her that there was something important that we needed to talk about soon. I said that it wasn't going to happen right now, but possibly at the end of the evening, or in the next couple of days. I did this at the beginning of the date, followed by "I am NOT breaking up with you". Not only did it keep me from wimping out, it gave her time to prepare herself for the worst(not sure what that would have been), but she seemed quite relieved that it was merely that I liked to wear women's clothes. She should have had somewhat of an idea because I kept "stealing" her clothes, but until our talk, she never put 2+2 together.

Good luck with your "Talk"!!!

One night while talking to my then wife she said she knew everything about me, that there were no surprises in our relationship.I took a deep breath and said oh yeah and told her about Karen.Face to face is the only way.Hope you find the courage to do the right thing

Can the email, face to face it has to be. Now you can test the water by asking her about her Mtf friend and see what her answers are, then you have a building block to start with and go from there. Best of luck to you

Krystina - I'm sure I felt similar to the way you have done many years in the past, but I never told anyone... I know that I had (and have) long periods of 'remission' from this condition so I don't regret keeping my secret thorough a number of relationships, but I wonder whether knowing what the CDing means to you would help you decide whether you should or shouldn't tell...?

I know you seem to be intent on telling her - and if so that's fine - but you should also prepare yourself for every sort of reaction from complete rejection to acceptance. If you do go ahead, a script would make sense, and face to face would be good to see her reaction, and for her to confirm your sincerity.

Good luck! :hugs:

Katey x

Just tell her.
That's what my wife stated after two months of marriage. She knew something was off, just couldn't figure it out.
Your SO will believe and trust you more for entrusting them with your most personal feelings and secrets.
That's what they want. Trust.
They see lie's as relationship breakers.
My wife has become to love this part of me. I cook, clean and she is spoiled.
She may wish a non-trans gendered guy could do all that for her. Hang that up sweetie, they are not out there. Be proud of who you are.
There is, and I mean is, no way you'll ever change who you are! I tried, nope,
Donna is here to stay. Hugs!