edited for reasons
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edited for reasons
Dannie1,
This is my perspective from someone wh has screwed up the revelation of this side of me to my wife so take it with a grain of salt.
Seems to me you are apologizing and begging forgiveness for who you are.
Maybe contemplate for a bit that maybe you are special. That this aspect of you is a gift to you, your wife and your marriage.
She may never see that or even get close to understanding that since it is disruptive to the status quo but you need to start from a position that this is you and you are not a mistake. Maybe, just maybe, you are a gift.
Please take this with a grain of salt since I am really talking to myself as much as you.
Alice K
Don't hit the send!
Say it to her in person!
Print it out to refer to if necessary.
Dannie,
I would lose;
That?s the plan.
We are who we are. We don?t ask for change but it happens.
Let?s not view it as a negative but a chance to hit the refresh button.
When that new page loads it may look a bit different but it?s still essentially the same template that got us here.
The worlds a different place.
We are a great example of why it?s a better place. Acceptance is the greatest human quality, I now know this through you alone.
Even if it?s fair to say you may never understand it fully, but that?s ok. Acceptance is enough.
Keep it simple, don't over guild the lily. Express your love and admiration and leave it at that.
Apart from that it's a very well written and expressive piece. A heart melter?
I can tell you love your wife and I am sure she will appreciate your truthful letter. FYI: Women like soppy letter, especially when someone is soppy about them.
May I suggest you connect some of your statements into a flowing letter. Think about doing it this way. Dear______: I know I have placed many burdens on you in our marriage, but I am sure crossdressing is the biggest. In all the sacrifices you have made for me I still find you my rock in life, that I cling to. You are the only person I have ever idolized and I want you to know I worship the ground you walk upon.
It makes it hard for me knowing you sacrifice for me so often and then I add the gigantic sacrifice of crossdressing, and you make all of this a piece of cake.
That is what I mean by making her letter flow. Hope that helps. I'm not attempting to correct you, but you ask for help and that is a way I see that will help. the Best.
It is evident from this letter that your wife already knows about your crossdressing inclinations and has (grudgingly?) accepted them. Clearly, you are also trying to reassure her of both your abiding love and appreciation for her as well as the fact that you will always be her man regardless of what your occasional feminine clothing preferences might be. Within that context, this is an excellent letter albeit maybe with some minor tweaking as some of the other posters here have suggested.
Given that Valentine's Day is almost upon us, how appropriate that you would choose this point in time to present your wife with this letter...but you already knew that, right? ;)
Not a good idea, this is not about your comfort level, but the receiver's comfort level. Written words can be read totally out of context. You need to do this in person so you can get: audio, visual, emotion, and body language communications.
Get rid of the CDing for V Day and it would be a great letter. Bring up CD a few days later...
As others say...do not hit send. A former president had the habit of writing down his thoughts and feelings in letters that he never sent. These letters provided a way of getting the feelings out and resolved, without the adverse consequences of ill-advised candor or worse yet, ill-formed and emotionally charged thinking.
When its time to talk to your wife, do just that. Have a conversation. Not a pronouncement. Just talk. Does not have to be all at once, no conclusions need be reached...just talk about feelings and more importantly seek and listen to her feelings.
Dannie, re read your letter with just one thing in mind?
What is the writer trying to say? :brolleyes:
I think that will help u edit and condense your prose into, well, what u really want to say!:thumbsup:
Hi. I thought your letter was very heartfelt. A couple of observations... 1. I think you?re being far too self deprecating. It comes out sounding more guilty than anything else. 2. Search for a central message. What is it you want to say from the bottom of your heart. Be explicit.
Also, your wife sounds pretty cool. I think what will make her happiest is seeing you genuinely happy. Good luck.
If you decide to "have the talk" as opposed to the written word I would suggest practicing what it is you want to say many times over.
I used to deliver training to engineers. I was taught that for ever spoken minute fifteen minutes minimum of practice and preparation was required. Having written full notes out I'd bullet point them and use that as a basis to convert into the spoken word. I would literally stand in a quiet room and talk to the walls. Over and over again and again.
That way after many run thoroughs I could confidently go start to finish without reference to my notes.
Now you cannot make it seem like you're delivering a speech but knowing what it is you really want to say and having it clear in your mind will help you convey the full emotional content. Above all else it helps avoid the, "Oh I also meant to say...." afterthoughts that can destroy the entire thing.
Are you sure that you know what an "open letter" is? Are you saying that you would make this public for her to find and read? Don't expect this to end well at all.
Your right it is "soppy" can the letter and speak in person. Just what are you trying to say? - try not to sound "soppy" but truthful, don't apologize and listen to her...and go from there...………...Debra
Dannie ,
I personally feel its' better to write your thoughts down , , it shows you've given it more thought and it may help for your wife to have something concrete in her hands .
As for the contents , there is no doubt you love your wife but tugging too much at her heart strings maybe overdoing it . As others have said you are admitting the feelings you have are something to feel ashamed and guilty about . Your letter also needs to contain some hard facts , you can't and mustn't promise you will stop having these feelings , more to the point you need to explain why you have them , what drives that need and how it started . Your wife will still have to make the decision if she can live with your newly exposed secret or not . Most of us know we are still capable of being all the things we were before but proving it is a different matter , you have shaken her trust in you now is the time to be totally open and honest . You never know what the future holds for a TG person , many of us are waiting for the right opening to be able to evolve , I never thought I would be living full time but I knew I could never promise I wouldn't head in that direction because I didn't know , I had to turn to counselling to find those answers .
I recall being in the situation of having the talk maybe around 10 years into my marriage (40) years ago. I chose not to and that choice has it's own challenges. Your situation is different since your wife already knows and times are much different. I believe society is more accepting so your path although challenging can work. I believe talking vs. giving her a letter is best although writing your thoughts and feelings down is good. Both of you can see how the other is reacting and develope a plan going forward, such as therapy together. Communication and education for both of you will be key to making it work for both of you. Good luck.
Do it by word of mouth, not written, if you are finally coming out to her. Ditto, if you are trying to regain her after having had words about your CDing.
This is the best advice I have heard in years. It's is more pointed and practical than Toastmasters. Thank youQuote:
Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater
Jenny,
That's fine if you can keep your head and remain cool but in the heat of the moment things may get said which may do more harm than good , it's so easy in those circumstances to make promises you can't keep . Some people may dry up and then resort to saying a load of " don't knows " which isn't much use . I wrote it down , my wife refused to read it all but at least she respected me for sitting down and giving it some thought . It also made it more difficult for her to move the goal posts , that fact is very hard to live with not knowing where you stood from one day to the next .
Dannie,
When the talk or whatever is over and the dust settles it will be obvious your relationship has changed , whichever way you choose to discuss it with her , there is no way of undoing what has been done . I loved my wife so deeply after I came out to her but she did not return that feeling , being so down I felt totally rejected and unloved to the point where I considerd ending my life . No matter how much you say you love someone it takes two to make it work , in my case the damage was done .
I read your prior postings going back half a year. You and your wife are way past an introductory letter to the issue of cross dressing. I would have to assume you have already covered all the ground outlined in this letter. If I were your wife I would be totally confused about who you are. You've thrown in bisexual feelings. Some have characterized this letter as a pleading. It may well be because in your prior posts it almost seems you're forcing yourself upon her, and, she is reluctant to go in your direction. I sense you're already gone past the point where she wants to be or to consider. Set back and think what the end game is for her. What does she get out of your pushing? I realized decades ago my wife did not want to participate in my desires or needs. It violated her inner self. I reflected upon where we were, and, what I was trying to achieve. It was a totally one sided deal. It was then I realized my constant pressing for acceptance from her, which was really me trying to achieve self acceptance, was nothing less than mental spousal abuse. Since the mid 1980's she has said nothing about my cross dressing, and, I have arrived at my own self acceptance.
When you say "acceptance is the great human quality" you also have to remember it is a two way street.
I wouldn't say "It?s clear, I don?t deserve you." that's putting yourself down. Just because you Cross-Dress doesn't make her a better person than you.
I wish you well.............pm me if you wish to discuss marriage further..........I'm 35 years in with a forgiving but reluctant wife.