My wife lets me wear her clothes, but now I can't stop !

I've been crossdressing since around 9-10 years old. I've gone through many phases of secretly dressing to purging & back to dressing up again. I am engaged to be married soon, & we have several kids together. I decided to open up to my love of my life recently, & to my surprise, my soon to be wife was pretty understanding. She even confided in me that she secretly has desires to have sex with a transsexual. So ever since I told her about a week ago, I have really gone crazy with exploring my Femme side. She woke up to me in her clothes, & noticed that i have been wearing her underwear & clothes under my guy clothes almost everyday now. I shaved all of my body hair, and painted my toe nails too. So maybe i should try to slow done, cause she was a bit surprised by my sudden change...because i explained at first that this was just a "every once in a while thing" you know the old metaphor of trying to hold a balloon under water & it just keeps rising up, well that is kind of how i explained it to her, & it was true. But now, given the opportunity to dress without being looked at with disgust, i am feeling finally free to explore my own femme desires, and as such, have taken Every opportunity to do so. She asks, "i thought this was every once in while ?" & well i thought it was too, but idk.....I am conflicted with opposing feelings in this matter as always. At times I strive to be as femme as possible, intensified with my sexual arousal, but when i ***, it is like a surge of testosterone hits me, & says " WTF are you Doing ? " Then i take the clothes off and wonder why i did that.....a little latter & Bam, Nichole is back ? I am torn between my two halves, i feel like i have a split personality disorder...lol.....but idk....Anyway, i believe this is slightly normal situation for CD'ers, but I am really anxious for any advice, since i have Never spoke or met with anyone who could possibly understand me & my ...dilemma ....With my wife saying it is ok, & she still loves me, I am catching myself thinking about SRS, Hormones, Implants....& other femme activities of a more permanent nature. I do enjoy switching roles, being submissive And Dominate, I enjoy sex as a man, But the idea of taking Hormones & growing my own Boobs has me Really Excited ! I am eating lot's of Soy & Flax seeds...lol....& if i could get my hands on some hormones, i probably could not help my self....Where will this journey end for me, & how do i know i am there ? I am confused, please help.

I feel like i just gave myself a push over a hill & now i am going down the hill gaining too much momentum to stop. I am Sexually excited most all the time now. Dreaming of what fantasy to act on next. The scary part is that i feel a little out of control, I am almost at the whim of my compulsive urges, & it is hard to tell what i will regret latter....oh well, time to pull my big girl panties up ! I would really appreciate any feedback, I have read a bit on this subject, but to be able to talk to real person who can identify with this, that would be great ! and i would be most grateful :)

Hi Nichole
It's the kid in a candy store situation. Let the reins go and remove all barriers and suddenly your free to explore and act out on deeply repressed desires. Just keep some balance to what you do or there is the potential to go into overload followed my melt down.
I think what is going through your head is natural, given what we do. There are some very good posts here that deal with the similar experiences of others, so don't think your on your own here.
Take what you can and adapt to your situation but in the mean time make sure you have the full understanding of your SO.
She might have a fantasy but fantasy is not necessarily a lifestyle choice.
Amanda

Thanks Amanda for taking the time to respond, sounds like good advice, appreciate it :) I guess I am having trouble deciphering what is "fantasy" & what is a "lifestyle choice"....it is hard to tell sometimes...

At the simplest level, I'd say you'd be smart to dial the excitement back just a bit out of respect for your lover, and for the sake of your relationship. You're way ahead of her in dealing with this aspect of yourself, so give her a chance to catch up.
But there's something deeper going on here; your description of an out-of-control feeling that's scary tells me that you'd be even smarter to seek some professional help in sorting out your feelings and desires--and, fundamentally, your identity. Find a good therapist. Best of luck in this new phase of your life.

Hi Nichole-

I have read of your type of scenario here more than once. You are not alone in your feelings. The kid in a candy store analogy is quite fitting. When we finally give ourselves the freedom to explore sometime we can go a bit nuts and especially when we feel that those around us give us the freedom to explore we can go even more nuts.

Some various advice I could offer:
- Slow, way, way down!
- Stop wearing her clothes. Buy some of your own things.
- Try and find some balance between your male and female sides. This can be hard, especially when we have repressed our fem sides for so long, balance sometimes can feel like we have to go full force fem. But like with most things, overloading one side is not a balance. And trying to do everything at once often means we will just make poor choices.
- Do not relate all of your sexuality with dressing. Your SO has fantasies of sex with a transsexual, that does not mean she is not interested in sex with male and would appreciate having sex with male you most often with an occasional fling with fem you.
- Do not even think of hormones and growing breasts at this point. It is a wonderful fantasy, but the reality of it is not so easy and nice and convenient as it may seem. In fact from what I have read from others, it is a massive undertaking that does a heck of a lot more than simply growing breasts. Number one problem? Lack of function of what you are currently getting so much pleasure out of.
- Just because you now have some freedom of exploration does not mean you need to do it all right now. You have time to figure this out, regardless of your age. Rash decisions bring about poor results.

Best of luck to you sweetie.

Nadine

I would like to learn more about that awkward feeling I get after I have an orgasm in femme....who else experiences this ? Furthermore does this feeling I get afterwards define me as being a Transvestite, or just a crossdresser, & does it exclude the possibility of me being Transgendered ? Sometimes I wish I was just one way or the other, since there is this constant battle between my Femme side & my Masculine side....Can anybody direct me to a thread on this particular subject ?

Stop slow down, this is normal, first, talk you your wife or soon to be, to join here to be able visit with the wife here, Learn together that this is not going away, and you need grow together with this or it will destroy, your relationship.

That, I believe, depends greatly on what 'brain' is in control at the time. Boy me has a set of responsibilities and attitudes that enable me to function in my day to day world. Girl me allows me to forget that part and adopt a completely different set of 'tudes.
Escapism?...... perhaps
Dual personality?.........no.
To me its about maintaining the perspective on life I need at the moment that enables me to balance my life choices.
I don't know where this will lead, nor do I care at present. I live for the moment and do what I have to do along with what I want to do.
Life is too short to worry about what may never happen.
Amanda

oh no, not therapy....lol.....maybe one day.....I will be ok.....I hope so atleast.... I am only worried about my wife in this aspect, & so yes I agree that she needs time to "catch up"....and that is ok. She is the only one thus far who has partially accepted me, she is the mother of my kids, & soon to be wife, & so she means everything to me. I am trying to show her that positive things could come out of exploring my Feminine side.

I don't know if I can "slow down" ........but, Yeah, you're right....thanks Nadine :)

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Originally Posted by Nichole Tatiana

I would like to learn more about that awkward feeling I get after I have an orgasm in femme....who else experiences this ? Furthermore does this feeling I get afterwards define me as being a Transvestite, or just a crossdresser, & does it exclude the possibility of me being Transgendered ? Sometimes I wish I was just one way or the other, since there is this constant battle between my Femme side & my Masculine side....Can anybody direct me to a thread on this particular subject ?

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All I can give is my opinion on your questions (so the rest of you please don't shred me)

- That awkward feeling is called guilt. For many of us, cross dressing is sexually stimulating and because so we allow ourselves to do it. We have the orgasm, and then we feel bad or disgusted by ourselves. In many ways if something is sexually stimulating we don't feel so weird or bad about it, because it is just another sexual kink, among many different sexual kinks in the world. If all it is is sexual, then it is understandable. It doesn't mean anything about our inner feelings of our gender, it just means it gets us excited. (all of this is just my opinion btw, as it is not where I am at, I do not dress for sexual gratification.)

- people around here have differing opinions on the labels you asked about, transvestite, cross dresser, or transgender, you will get a vast array of thoughts about those three words and which one you are. Knowing which one you are will not stop the battle between your masculine and feminine. For me, the only thing that has helped to combat it is to accept that I am not one or the other but a blend of the two. This is not the case for everyone.

I think I will bring her here....I know how tuff it is to not be able to talk to anybody about this, & so I want to give her an outlet to express concerns & questions....Thanks Annaliese :)

well said, thanks

It seems to me you might have some sort of a transvestic fetish. It starts like that with some of us then it fades away and we desire to dress en femme without "releasing our desires" so to say. I would definetly buy your own clothes especially panties and bras. get yourself a wardrobe going and since you have kids you might want to throw in a pair or two of boxers in the laundry when they get older so your kids don't suspect something.Good luck For you and your wife on this journey!!! xoxo...

Nichole, we have all been where you are. now breath.

Thanks Richelle ....Ok, so here's the thing, I think that this obsession is possibly more than just for sexual gratification, idk ..... I mean recently I have gone several days wearing clothes under my guy clothes, & in my sleep. I will hold off having an orgasm as long as possible just to prolong the experience, because I know that after I orgasm the fantasy is over, at least for a while....My wife asks me, "I thought this was just a sexual thing" and I respond with telling her "I think it is".....but idk....I mean I like the way my smooth legs feel, even when I am not aroused....But then again thinking of my smooth legs gets me aroused just thinking about it...so idk. I guess I wish there was a clear-cut way of understanding if this is just for "sexual gratification" or something more....I mean I would assume that a transgendered person would not have awkward feelings after an orgasm in femme, is that true ?

I assume when you say transgendered you are really meaning transsexual. And the answer to that is, it depends on who you are and how you feel about sexual things. In truth, why would a transsexual have guilt feelings over a normal activity?

I know this is all new territory for you but as stated earlier.... slow down. I think we all have an idea of what you are going through right now. It is a fairly common scenario for trans people. All I ask is that you keep it PG13 here as you discuss it.

We will all agree I think that you need to dial back...a lot. You are going out of control and your SO is going to get very unhappy with you soon. No hormones, no surgery, no changing your body. Yes to backing off and working through this slowly and steadily. To be blunt...Wake Up! Get some control.

Ok, Lorileah I got it. Thanks

Great advice from previous posts, and as others have said Nichole, "Please SLOW DOWN"! Continue the communication with your wife, and perhaps consider setting some guide lines you both are comfortable with for now. Your wife can be a very wonderful source of all those feminine things you may be interested in becoming, doing, and experiencing as Nichole, but IMO there is a lot more to being feminine than just makeup and a "change" of clothing. You have suddenly had a wish come true, but now you must learn all the aspects of what your feminine side is comfortable/confident with presenting and accepting. All of this can become a positive experience as many can tell you, but be prepared for some down moments too. Only you can decide what you are willing to do to be content on the gender scale. Enjoy.

Nichole,
No you are not different you are going through a stage of CDing and please don't worry about the label it comes down to the same thing ! The sexual part and the rejection of the clothes afterwards is normal, it happened to me ten years before you ! You will never get the connection of clothes-women-sex out of your system even at my age it's still there !
One question is sex OK without dressing, I never had a problem but the dressing just took it to a different level .
The thought of wanting real breasts goes through most of our minds at some point but again that passes so don't go taking hormones as Nadine says the side effects may destroy your whole Cding needs at the moment !

You will have to put the brakes on and consider others you don't want to lose a good partner besides the children will need time and consideration ! Also if you don't balance you CDing and keep going flat out you will burn yourself out with it !

Take some time and read other OPs even go back through the archives you will learn a great deal and realise you're not the only one with these feelings and also learn how to deal with them .

I like you started loving wearing the female clothing at an very early age. I went thru a spell where I stopped while getting into male activities in high school. Then back to the dressing and then mainly the undergarments made me excited and a happy ending was the goal then. After I was married my wife and I used my dressing some to live out her fantasies and mine. While we were raising our kids my CD took a big hit. It slowed a lot .after the kids all had gotten thru college, I felt a need to relax and enjoy life. I went back into a dressing stage to help in my relaxing and tension release. For then I started to find I enjoyed getting dressed to relax and unwind. This was at the age of around 52. I am now 65 and feel that my dressing is important for me to explore my feminine side some. I am lucky in having an very understanding wife. She is my rock and we love each other very much. I hope you can see from my post that I took each step slowly and did keep a balance in the CD ing and living a life as a dad and now a grand dad. It can be done but you will need to work on your emotions you get from this thing called CD ing. Take it all slowly and let yourself and your life with your family be a memorable one. When you get to the senior age you'll be pleasantly surprised and glad you worked on your balance in your life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nichole Tatiana

I would like to learn more about that awkward feeling I get after I have an orgasm in femme....who else experiences this ? Furthermore does this feeling I get afterwards define me as being a Transvestite, or just a crossdresser, & does it exclude the possibility of me being Transgendered ?

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I don't know much about the labels but I'd be inclined to just to be YOU and forget which group you fit with. It's incredibly flexible anyway, from what I've read here.

And the awkward feelings you have are the same that my H always has and still experiences. For the longest time I thought my H dressed for the reasons many here recite - identity, comfort, it feels right etc. It wasn't until counselling and some rather unpleasant fights in our relationship that he finally admitted that the whole thing is very much sexual for him and part of that process is a rejection of the femme fantasy when he's 'finished' and is back to his guy self.

I don't even think this is a guilt thing anymore, as he doesn't feel guilty! It's just a natural response to sexual fulfilment and I imagine people with all sorts of sexual lifestyles feel the same way after the act is done and they also can't wait to put away their props, lol. Thing is, none of that matters as time will help you figure this out. What matters is you're letting yourself get carried away because it feels so good to be accepted finally and you're allowing that feeling to permeate every part of your life. It's understandable, but your SO will likely grow old of this very soon and her acceptance could dissipate altogether. There's a huge difference, as others have pointed out, between her little transexual fantasy and you suddenly dressing all the time.

If you're really struggling to get a hold of these thoughts, I suggest maybe seeing a counsellor fluent in gender and alternative sexualities and finding a way to manage the compulsive thoughts. Be it crossdressing or golf, anything that is all-consuming is never healthy.

Good luck :)

Nichole - it's been said here before already, but let me underline it... :)

WHOA!! SLOW DOWN... :hugs:

Yes - you can stop... probably would do you good to do so... Good advice here about counselling, but if nothing else spend a week or so reading the back threads in the forum here, chatting with other members and participating in some discussions... It will take some effort but I could virtually guarantee it will help you a lot because you WILL find similar stories here and a bit of time WILL help you get some control and perspective back... and that will be a Good Thing.. :D

Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

I agree with Katie,
You are thinking too far outside of the fence.
Buy some of your own clothes and get used to the feelings you have.
Leave the SRS thoughts for another day.

Like others have said,Slow Down.... You just got to do something that was repressed for a long time. You want to make up all that lost time,but you all you will do is probably upset your wife. You need to practice self control. The sexual gratification and feeling guilty happened to me also. It seems to happen to a lot of us. You need to go out and get you own clothes. Wives sometime have a difficult time with the borrowing. I know a lot of things are going through your mind,so just slow down and try to sort it all out.

Well I see your fresh here and you came to the wright places. When I first told my my wife, she to was pretty good about it, and just like you years of hiding and then there's someone telling you it's OK, your normal, your not doing anything wrong. It went out of control really fast, she didn't want me to wear her panties and pantyhose and we went shopping for my own things. From there it went to my own bras, skirts. I started to see I was pushing to fast and she was starting to also wonder were my line in the sand was. She told me she knew I was excited but where was my boarder line. At that point I finally took a step back and looked at the big picture. I asked myself how far will I go, and ask the wright questions. Do I want to be a women? NO. Do I want to be with a man? Do I want to tell the kids? NO. Will the closet be enough for me? YES that was the answer I was looking for and those are the same questions I still ask myself today, and the answers are still the same. I think you just busted out and your full of years of hiding and excitement. I believe in time it will cool off, and believe you are the only one huh can control it and must ask yourself how far you really want to go with it. Just relax and slow down, it not the end of the world tonight, so think things threw and just make sure you find that makes you happy. Hope to hear from you soon

Nichole, I echo the others, slooooow down.
Remember your family, be happy yourself too.
Doing both is sometimes difficult.