My Wife Avoids Talk of CD'ing

Hello to All!!!

I am a newbie on here and very thankful I found this site. Crossdressing has been a lonely road for me and very expensive due to purging and trial/error. I am married with kids. My wife has known that I am a CD for the past 9 years. I have tried to have in-depth conversations with her, but she kind of cut them off when we do. All of my clothes are in storage bins downstairs and are not allowed upstairs on our room. I want to talk to her, but it is like she shuts me down the moment we try to talk. When I first told her, it was just wearing panties, but now it has progressed to full CD'ing. I want to be able to come to her for advice and tips. I want her to know I want to go out. It doesn't have to been in the same city we live. I want to be able to browse the women's section if we are in the store together w/o fear of offending. Any suggestions on what I can do to get her to sit down and talk? She is ultra conservative. Thank-you in advance for any suggestions.

*renae*

When I asked her that, she stated it made her feel uncomfortable. I tried to gather some articles around it and explain what how go through and how it does not affect us. It was like talking to a wall. My biggest fear is that I am going to go in "out dont care" mode and she is going to see me walk out the house as Renae. I bet she'll want to talk then.

Hi,

It is going to be hard but ask her if she will just hear you out, You say that she's known for 9 years, was she ok when it was just wearing panties? Did things change when you started cding more. did you discuss this with her or just go ahead and progress?

One thing she does need to understand is that the cding isn't going to go away, yes it can go on the back burner for a while but it will still be there simmering away.

It seems like you are trying and that she has known about it for a significant amount of time. I can understand that she may not want to see you dressed, or participate with you, like shopping and providing tips. Since you seem to otherwise be in a good relationship, I think that maybe you need to tell her in a nice way what is bothering you and what you want to do. You could say I really want to go out for fun or to support groups or to meet other CD's. She may respond negatively. You could then tell her that she does not have to be around when you go out so that she nor your children see anything, but you will be going out. She may say OK, might decide to say no. Either way, you would then maybe have a better ground to talk about it. I do not think that I could live in a don't ask - don't tell situation with my better half, if I had one. I think that sometimes one needs to stand their ground to gain a little or to advance from silence to conversation. I do not think that we should expect anyone to accept it, but at least they should be able to tolerate it and try to understand what it is all about and give some space. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm sorry your wife refuses to talk about it with you. Perhaps she thinks if she avoids it, you will just give up, She also might be afraid that if she allows herself to talk to you about it, your interest in it will escalate. Or she avoids it pretending your dressing does not exist.
It does not sound like you have a very communicativee relationship with your wife when it comes to important issues. Or she just does not see this as important and it really turns her off for a number of reasons that she is afraid to share with you to keep harmony between you and her. Is she otherwise happy in the marriage? Do you do things for her and with her? Do you take sincere interest in things that are important to her or things she enjoys? I'm not asking you to respond to my questions, but ask you to ask yourself if you think you are a good husband and partner to her on a level that makes her happy. Is the love between you and her still strong or are you merely co-existing for the sake of the kids and financial reasons?. Is the romance still there? These are the things you need to think about and answer for yourself. Again, I am not asking you to tell us. Just think about them and answer honestly to yourself.
OK, so now you have a clue as to how she may feel and why she does not want to talk about it.
I might suggest you open up to her in the form of a letter. Pour your heart out as to what this means to you and how it is festering and frustrating you.
I also think you are jumping the gun in wanting to ask her for advice and tips. Also about you wanting to go out even in a different city. Forget about talking about shopping together. These are things that I think would put her off to the point she willnever want to talk about it. Another words, stay away from all talk about what you want to do if she will accept you and your desire to just dress. Sounds like you are asking to much to soon. You need to approach this with baby steps and simply tryto get her to understand and let her decide what she can and can not tolerate at this point. Tell her how much you need her understanding and acceptance at a level she can deal with. Tell her how much she means to you, how much you love her and how hard this must be on her since she hasunderstandingidng or education on subjectbjet. A letter will leave her with time to think about it with interruptions; Time to reflect on what you poured your hear out to her about. Express yourself from the heart and assure her how important she is to you. I would also invite her to respond to your letter in the same way. That is for her to share her feelings with you about this via a letter back to you. Some people just don't feel comfortable with face to face talks about serious issues. I would also suggest, and include a link to this site if she feels she needs to learn that you are far from alone and she can learn more about it and talk to other wives that deal with the issue.

OK, that's my 2 cents. I wish you luck.

I once had a wife who refused to discuss it as well (no, not even close to the reason for breaking up). According to her religious and cultural upbringing and firm belief my activities were equated with homosexuality and inherently evil. This left room for neither discussion nor acceptance since her beliefs were more important to her than her husband's "sinful fetishes". Since the sinner can only be forgiven if he repents and I saw nothing to repent of, we were at a standoff. I just learned to maintain a second life, keeping my dressing hidden away carefully.

You don't describe your wife's fundamental problem with your dressing, and perhaps you would have to presume too much to state it. But you must have clues based on your understanding of her psyche after all these years.

As for browsing the woman's section, you can always go there to assist her with her shopping. Most women will appreciate a man being right there helping them to choose rather than pacing the aisle outside the store or section. My wife enjoyed that even when she objected to my dressing.

Miriam

Hi Renae,
sorry to hear that you have communication problems with your wife. I only very recently discovered that my husband was a CD'er. It was a huge shock and I'm still getting my head around the idea of it all. I am ok with it and am happy for my husband to dress in front of me. However some days it does freak me a bit -

The fact that your wife has known about your CD'ing for 9 years and is still with you says that she has accepted it to a degree. For some people out of sight is out of mind - if you dont see something you dont have to acknowledge that its real. However, if her feelings havent changed in 9 years, there's every possibility that they're not going to change now. Maybe silent acceptance is all you will ever get? Not ideal for you by any means but possibly better than total hostility and disgust or a marriage break up?

As a wife of a CD'er I would say, be very careful not to push your wife too far - if you try to force her to talk about your CD'ing, you will be forcing her to face something that maybe she doesnt want to face.

You say you WANT to go out dressed - is it that want to or you feel you HAVE to ? are you prepared to put your relationship with your wife and your family on the line to do this? if you're not then I'd say dont just get dressed and be-damned with it all - once you do this, it cant be undone, if your wife is really as conservative and uncompromising as you say, this might just tip her over the edge.

If however you feel that you absolutely must go to the next stage and go out dressed then you need to explain this to your wife, by any means possible, and a letter may be the way forward there. but you need to explain to her that you love her and dont want to upset her, but this is something you need to do and that you hope that she will try to understand this.

In a perfect world if I had a magic wand I would make my husband a 100% normal guy and get rid of all this CD'ing stuff - I dont want my husband to dress in womens clothes, or put on a wig & makeup - but its not a perfect world. So I accept what cannot be changed, and try to understand and make the best of our marriage. We do talk about it and I joined this forum to get more insight into the whole issue - I guess joining the forum is not omething your wife would even consider? although it might be worth suggesting it to her just in case - there are a lot of us wives and girlfriends here and we support each other.

I wish you luck in trying to find a satisfactory way forward -

GET her on here an let her READ !!!!!!!!! Thats what I do an still do she loves it an feels 100% BETTER ..

I am in a somewhat similar situation, in that my wife does not want to see me dressed, but she is ok with me dressing. She has known this is part of my life for as long as she has known me. We have talked about it, and she is scared to see me dressed as a woman, because I am her man, and she does not know how she will take seeing me as a woman. I am her strength and protector, and I don't want to loose that. I don't want to push it, and I surely don't want her to loose her opinion of me, so as long as she is ok with me going out from time to time, and she is, I respect her opinion, and fear. We have a wonderful relationship, and I just don't want to risk loosing that.

Maybe this is how your wife feels, but she just does not know how to explain it....I hope this helps you.

I don't think there are any tips that will make her talk. All you can do is offer up the conversation. Have you tied,"Honey, it frustrates me that we can't talk about my crossdressing. It's a part of me that exists but is shut out. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I want to understand what you think about it and what about it might scare you."

Now, I'll also state that getting a third party involved should help in opening her up without fear. Therapists are just moderators to help open the dialog. Ultimately, you have to find out what she is afraid of. Her fears may be simple and logical but might be imagined as well.

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Originally Posted by Sandra

Hi,

You say that she's known for 9 years, was she ok when it was just wearing panties? Did things change when you started cding more. did you discuss this with her or just go ahead and progress?

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At that time, I think she figured panties were harmless. Things began to change when I started coming home with more than panties. At first, I would kind of keep my stuff in plain sight, so she would not feel like I was hiding stuff from her. Oneday, she just totally freaked out when she saw my wig that I was wearing at the time. I've always tried to have those, I've progressed convo's, but I would be shut down.

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Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO

In a perfect world if I had a magic wand I would make my husband a 100% normal guy and get rid of all this CD'ing stuff - I dont want my husband to dress in womens clothes, or put on a wig & makeup - but its not a perfect world. So I accept what cannot be changed, and try to understand and make the best of our marriage. We do talk about it and I joined this forum to get more insight into the whole issue - I guess joining the forum is not omething your wife would even consider? although it might be worth suggesting it to her just in case - there are a lot of us wives and girlfriends here and we support each other.

I wish you luck in trying to find a satisfactory way forward -

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First, let me say that you are awesome for standing by his side. It's not easy for a man to present his feminine side. Outside of CD'ing, we dont have any marital issues. I wish she took the same approach, "its not a perfect world". I am going to see if she would be willing to atleast read this thread, so that she can see we are not the only married couple in the world facing this. Thanks!

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Originally Posted by renaej7

At that time, I think she figured panties were harmless. Things began to change when I started coming home with more than panties. At first, I would kind of keep my stuff in plain sight, so she would not feel like I was hiding stuff from her. Oneday, she just totally freaked out when she saw my wig that I was wearing at the time. I've always tried to have those, I've progressed convo's, but I would be shut down.

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I think that with you wanting more then just panties kinda probably has scared her. Especially if you didn't talk to her about other things you wanted to buy before buying them. And then just leaving them out in the open. I understand you not wanting to hide them. But when you expanded to more then just panties which you told her about she is probably more confused and scared and worried. And then seeing the wig. That would of freaked me out too. It's funny how I'll read posts about wives who are trying to accept so the CDer goes and pushes the boundaries with buying more and trying more without talking or asking how their wife feels.. She needs to know that her opinion matters and what she is or isn't comfortable with matters.

When my husband would buy things or get things done which was not in our first set of boundaries I felt very hurt. In not a big talker and I didn't want to upset him to tell him I was very uncomfortable with some boundaries he was crossing. So instead I kept quiet and kept my feelings like that to myself so I wouldn't stir the pot. I kinda resent him for pushing those limits especially on his own and not caring how I felt.

renae. If you can get your wife to read this thread, it could really help. No, not change her mind, but perhaps soften the shut down syndrome. My wife has settled into the supportive mode that silentpartner discusses. Whe loves me and knows that this is something that must be and she wants me to be happy, but she does not want me to be a cross dresser, and if she could, she would change me back, and I would let her. I don't know if your wife is fundamentally against it, but loves you enough to put up with it, or if she still just does not know what cross dressing is, or even what the interpersonal dynamics of your conversations are, ie. does she discuss and even argue about other topics with you, or is there a shutdown syndrome on other topics as well, which may mean there is a shortcoming in your ability to lead a conversation equally.

Key is to go slow, forget about your desires and wants and really pare your thoughts down to "must haves or i will go insane" items that you feel are necessary to your daily well being, and be honest. These are really what is important for you and your wife right now. I have lots of things that would be nice to do, but most of them involve intestinal fortitude I may never get, and some of the others just dont advance the way I feel about myself Be very honest with yourself before you write the letter, and please dont put any ultimatums in the letter. the purpose has to be to stimulate a long dead conversation and let her know you still love her and she is the center of your life, not your dressing.

Please take the ideas in ths thread to heart, and decide which ones may best help you.

Babes

Renae, you're in a similar spot as I am, my wife would prefer to never think of Crossdressing I suspect. But then she surprises me- giving me panties, asking to borrow my hose, finding a recepit for Janice (today in fact) and not freaking out. I don't know your wife or your situation, so I'll just say listen to the advice from Silent Partner and Sweet Pea, the advice from the gg's here is really eye-opening for me as it provides an opportunity for you to think of your wife's point of view that is easy for us to miss. And just remind her through your deeds that you're still the man she wants- you can still take the trash out, do the chores she doesn't want, she can still count on you, etc., even if you need to be Renae on occasion.

There are many cases reported here of a cd telling the wife and getting acceptance and even strengthening their relationship. There are others that resulted in divorce. Nobody's been able to figure out and predict what the results will be. So, the decision to force the discussion is one of risk/reward.

She knows but doesn't want to discuss it. That is not a negotiated position, but a de facto Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell. It sounds like your desire to bring this up again is driven for your desire for increased femme time and stepping out of the closet (going out, shopping, etc.). Just be aware that getting your way may end your marriage.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will definitely take it to heart and come up with a plan of action. You all are the greatest and I am glad I found this site. It is awesome!

Your wife married a man. She has made it clear she expects you to be a man. She barly tolerates the CD stuff and wants nothing to do with it.

I hate to burst your bubble but she has every right not demand to not be part of the CD stuff! Do you understand what I am saying? Do you really?

If I was dating a guy and he out of the blue told me he is a CD I would at best be JUST like your wife. I would want nothing to do with it! You might not like what I said but thats MY right and exactly what I choose.

So that leaves you suffering. Well you have to make a decision. Are you going to live under the impositions of other people, or are you going to live your life however you wish?

Personally having lived a portion of my life under the impositions of other and then finally saying "screw them I am going to do my own thing" was the best decision I ever made. Of course you loose a lot of things when you make such a decision but you also gain a lot of things.

So while you waffle back and forth do yourself one favor. LEAVE you wife out of the it because she does not want to be part of it and that as I said earlier is her RIGHT. DONT VIOLATE HER rights!

Katie

well somethings are simply deal breakers. you can't force her to accept you.

Perhaps rather than asking her to talk about it, you could instead try the old letter writing thing.
Explain to her why you CD, how it makes you feel ( the good and the bad), what your fears are in relation to your cding for your relationship, your family life, friends, job, how lonely a road this is, and here I am going to make an huge assumption :doh:, that you did not deliberately not tell her in the beginning, but explain how hard it is to tell someone you love, that you CD (that of course is the huge assumption I made in that you did not tell her before you got married, if I am wrong in that I apologize).
Pleas though do not make any promises (even with the best intention in the world), that you may not be able to keep.

9 years is a very long time to do the avoidance route and this may be a way of opening up a communication on the subject, that may eventually lead to you both being able to talk openly about it in the future, my best wishes for you both are being sent :)

The situation you present is difficult and sad at every turn. Your wife clearly "wants her man" and something inside of her equates transgenderism as a danger. Whether that danger is based in religious faith, upbringing, or socialization matters not as the danger is still real. There seem to be a number of issues here, where only the first one is her inherent feeling of danger. The second is that the progessing transgenderism is out of her control. This is something you did by yourself, not with her. By moving forward on your own you widened the gulf between the two of you on this issue. I'm not saying it was easily avoidable. In fact, it may have been unavoidable if you were both locked into your positions: hers not wanting it to happen and yours needing it to happen.

So, IF it is possible to break through this impass it will be necessary for her to be reassured that her fears of ever progressing movement forward without any imput from her will stop. You want her input but she can show you many examples of you moving forward without her input. Yes, it is true that she refused to help, but that doesn't change the facts, sadly. She must also be reassured that when she wants her man, she can have him. This is predicated that she will be willing to NOT have him on occassion, and that may not be acceptable. Thirdly, she must ultimately see the advantages of having a transgendered husband. We've had many threads here talking about the advantages we bring to a relationship, and it's likely that she is already the beneifciary of some of these advantages. The more she explains to you about what it is like to be a woman, the more these advantages will multiply.

All this said, there is the possibility that no matter what you communicate to her that she will never be willing to accept or participate in you presenting a completely en femme transformation. At that point it will require a set of difficult decisions.

I hope for the best.

tina

Like some have said it would not be a good idea to push things at the moment yet you want to talk about it and your wife does not so the only way i can see that might help is to talk without mentioning it ok might sound daft but i am sure your wife will know what you are really talking about .
Try something like, If we have something causing problems in are marriage do you think it might be a good idea to talk about it , then go on to how would we solve it if one of us was doing something the other did not really like or understand but at no time mention CDing unless your wife brings it up

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

I don't think there are any tips that will make her talk. All you can do is offer up the conversation. Have you tied,"Honey, it frustrates me that we can't talk about my crossdressing. It's a part of me that exists but is shut out. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I want to understand what you think about it and what about it might scare you."

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I think that this is excellent advice. Good marriages are exercises in compromise. It is unfairly hurting you to keep this bottled up inside and the resulting stress is harmful to your marriage. Since you aren't discussing it, your spouse has no way of knowing how much mental damage the DADT situation is causing you.

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Originally Posted by renaej7

Outside of CD'ing, we dont have any marital issues.

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Actually, you do. Regardless of the topic, one party refusing to discuss something that is important to the other party is a serious marital issue. A "line in the sand" is not a sign of a healthy marriage.

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Originally Posted by NicoleScott

There are many cases reported here of a cd telling the wife and getting acceptance and even strengthening their relationship. There are others that resulted in divorce. Nobody's been able to figure out and predict what the results will be.

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One cannot predict the outcome with 100% certainty, but in a situation where both parties were truly invested in making their marriage work the outcome will likely be positive.

If one party doesn't take the marriage seriously, or where other factors (family ties, religion, etc.) get in the way, the outcome is less certain. Each situation has to be evaluated on its own merits and you know your spouse better than we do.

I hope that your situation is resolved for the better. My wife made a considerable effort to try and understand my situation as well as help me to get past my own hangups and understand myself better. For us, the result is a better marriage than we had before.

Katie sounds more angry and upset than the wife. I must have missed a chapter.

I fail to see how you can even come close to gathering that I was or am angry/ upset.

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Originally Posted by Jill Devine

Katie sounds more angry and upset than the wife. I must have missed a chapter.

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