Conversations with spouse making major leaps

As I'd written here previously I have been seeing therapist that has diagnosed me as transgender but I have not felt my relationship was strong enough to be totally candid with the feedback ive been.given with my spouse as she was not informed before we were married and rhe best we'd been able to get to in other couples therapy was a "I dislike this, don't understand and will not go beyond DADT for fear of encouraging you to go further." My disphoria however has only gotten worst and it feels like i am doing something wrong or shameful and her fears have the effect of making me feel like there is still a wall between us. Anyway, so 2 weeks ago I took.a.big risk and shared a medical paper with her describing various.transgender subsets and what has happened to each subset when treated or.not treated and I believe it opened her eyes a bit and she brought it up in our last couples therapy. There she disclosed her biggest fear is "not being enough" for me if she couldnt find it in her to more openly support me and was afraid.of.me.leaving her when the kids are gone. Since then with the encouragement of our therapist we have begun talking more and hes encouraged her to be more inquisitive which she has begun to do. Funny thing in all of this is we both want the same thing, to be loved for who we are which she now understands I am still struggling with from.a gender perspective. Even talked a bit this.morning about HRT. So not making any plans to take.some.big step but feel in time we are.making progress. She knows I love her and that I can continue to be there for her but need her support and acceptance too. So.we'll see.

Amanda

Amanda,
You and your spouse are doing all the right things; staying open minded, learning, and most of all caring for each other and communicating. As you say, we shall see how it turns out, but if there's a chance to keep things together, it will be because both of you do all you can to understand, support and love the other. No, that doesn't mean abandoning who you are. You know that you can't do that and, apparently, so does she. So all you can do is more of the same - communicate and try to find a way through that works for both of you.

Best wishes,


Kelly

It does work. My wife supports me wholeheartedly. In fact our relationship is now far better than before.

Amanda - Now that's the healthy way to deal with troubles in a relationship. I am impressed with you and your wife. I hope you both end up happy whatever that looks like.

Amanda,

Any chance you would have a link to those papers you referred to. They might be able to help my own situation.

Thanks

Sure thing Christie Ann,

The article was actually shared in a post on this forum. You can find it here. http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Credit goes to whomever shared this originally and I think what helped too was sharing this after our couples therapist diagnosed me as severely depressed which I believe made her realize this transgender dysphoria isn't just an excuse to dress.

Amanda,

That sounds really encouraging. Your wife's initial response is quite familiar. And in the long run, the basic assessment of what you both want takes a long time to realize on an emotional level. Good luck, and now maybe you'll get a chance to get out. Maybe even to a support group. Who knows, if your wife is comfortable enough, her meeting others may help too. Probably too soon for a holiday party, but who knows?

Amanda,
If only my wife and I had been on this wavelength , if only she had accompanied me to my counselling sessions !!

Depsite being separated she bushwacked me in a carpark only today , it's very sad she is being told lies and fed with statements of appeasement and twisting them to make me feel bad about the whole sitaution and using our grownup children and grandchildren to blackmail me .

I didn't get annoyed because the whole thing is becomming futile , she has everything with the family round and I have nothing and yet it's not enough for her . Setting the TG issues to one side , I know now I could never live with her again , I have to decide if proceeding with divorce is kind or cruel in the end to her or do I have to consider my own happiness and sanity first ?

Teresa - I am married once and divorced once. I have only had 4 serious relationships in my life and take commitment seriously. Therefore I do not make a habit out of telling people to break up or get divorced.

At some point things are broken beyond repair. There is just too much resentment, anger, distrust etc. Sometimes it is best for both parties to move on. They can hopefully find happiness apart. We don't know each other aside from chats online but from reading your post it sure seems to be the case with your relationship. Again I don't know, I am making assumptions from what I read.

But I think you know deep down what needs to be done. It may be painful and it maybe messy but it was also painful and messy when they took out my cancerous kidney. ( Not comparing your marriage to cancer ) the comparison is that sometimes a painful and messy thing has to be done in order to get better.

My best wishes to both of you. I am sure she is hurting in some way too which is why she is lashing out.