I'm confused, worried and tired.

Hello. I don't know how to start even. (English is not my native language and it is a little harder for me expressing certain things. My apologies if i say something wrong)

I'm 44 years old. Crossdressing since 13 or so. Single. 1'70 mts and 55 kgs. Long hair.
I have been able to manage my situation more or less without problems around my family and friends until now. Sometimes in an easy way, sometimes with more complicated "lies" in the process.
But lastly, around the last year, "the urge" to crossdress is quite different. Or at least, it is what it seems. I just need it because I feel right when i'm using women clothes. And it is not a sexual thing at all. When i'm at home in my "girl mode", i'm relaxed, i'm in peace and i'm happy. (Not jumping around like a bunny but you know, smiling) xD

When i'm using male clothes most of time i'm sad, serious, without energy we could say. I hate the hairs growing every day in my beard, for example. And more things but that details aren't important now.
I see women everyday in tv, in the streets, in internet and, all i can think is that i'm jealous of them. Their bodies, their clothes, etc... It's crazy, i know, because i like women.

And here is what i scares me the most. What if am i a potential transgender person? Or is it just another phase provoked by the fact of thinking continually around the same theme and not having for example a girlfriend or wife? Because the truth is that being single is not a problem for me. Never have been in fact.

Said this, i have been thinking a lot and i'm very tired of the situation. I could never do anything that makes damage to my family and that is out of discussion.

I don't know what to do. Really.

I'm resigned to this life and i can assume it. Because not all the people have the strength or capacity to make certain things. And i think that i'm very confused at this moment.

Well, crossdressing is my way of life until now. I just want to be happy and not hurting anyone beloved.


Sorry for the extrange message. I don't know very well how express what i feel these days.


Best regards and have a great day there. Thanks for reading.

What is the possibility of seeing a therapist? I wasn't thrilled when I made up my mind to go, but once I did, I felt much better about myself. There's no shame in going, and your situation won't at all phase them.

This is right on the money(It's correct and the right thing to do)

I can relate much. It is easy for some, but very difficult for some of us, with this proclivity. i am 67, still single, and have many issues and struggles in life. To be alive, is to be in some conflict.

That's me too confused worried and tired , I am on a waiting list to see a therapist because of excessive anxiety, I have no idea how the cross dressing will play out. I'm not sure where my anxiety comes from... I just want to be comfortable. I do seem to fell better dressed or seem too.....

Who is to say? As you concluded, you enjoy cross dressing and no one else is hurt by it, that is ok. If you give yourself the opportunity to test the waters, and decide to live more of your life as a woman, that is ok too.

Your English is very good. Your grammar and spelling are excellent. I understand the difficulty of expressing feelings in a second language. You did excellent. I would also recommend seeing a therapist. I do, amd I find it very helpful. Take care and please keep us updated.

If you go to a therapist, she might tell you that there's nothing wrong with being transgender. And if she doesn't tell you, I will.

Just because you're transgender doesn't mean you have to change your body. You can be transgender without taking hormones or getting any operations. I consider myself gender fluid, which is just one of the many forms of transgender

I was in the same spot as you jist a couple of years ago. I had been through the I am I'm not trans things many times over the years and found what calmed me and made me happy was presenting and being fem. Them I met thos beautiful cross dresser. She was a fare in my cab. And in talking to her I thought to myself and maybe voiced it aloud I don't know. If I looked as good as her as a girl I would never be a boy again. And in that thought I had another thought. Why do I need to be as good looking as her to be a girl all the time. So in that I found my answer. Yes I am in fact transgender and yes I need to transition. Ot really isn't as bad as I had in my mind it would be but I have yet to deal with any medical aspects of transition. Thay may change my perspective of things. But I look forward to seeing.

Wow I think this speaks to many of us here. I am in the same boat with the being jealous of women thing. I think it was unfair that I was born this way and not one of them.

Thank you for all of your responses and support.

I know that i'll need to "break certain glass" in any moment. Because i don't know really who i am at this moment and trying any movement is complicated. I'm living a plain life, hidding part of me that i love so much and that is so frustrating. You know very well the feeling, of course.
My worst fear is about my family. Going out of the "normal spectrum" wouldn't be accepted. I know that it is my life but... a really big but...

This is an infinite cycle and i don't kwow if i can stop it really. I'm a person who always prefer suffering in silence before making any type of collateral damage. Yes, i'm a coward but we exists too. I admire that brave persons in the world who fight so much for their lifes without thinking insanely about what the other people think about them. A superior class. :P

So at this point, i'm going to look for some type o f help. Because of my financial situation is not an easy thing, truth said, but well, i want to go forward to anywhere. I'm thinking about talking with some friend (a girl) or even the possiblity of telling to my brother. Terrific for me, truth said :)

Well, I needed write this. Say it to someone that doen't judge me.

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for your time.

Best regards and hugs from Spain.

P.D: I can't write so much here as i'd like but i?ll try be more active. :)

With ME I have discovered the point of my own CDing is to ESCAPE from my male self and become ANOTHER PERSON.--------Early on I confronted the potential for possibly being homosexual, or trans--But after research from reliable sources on the subjects, I have concluded that those are NOT the cases at all. It seems I CD to "Escape" or take a short vacation AWAY from MYSELF if only for a few hours. This way I can detach myself from all my personal problems and responsibilities. And ALSO escape from the "obligations" and expectations of "manhood" or "maleness".----I can COMPLETELY RELAX and "Unwind". I am "not me" a completely different person and sex/gender. When I go back to male mode, I am relaxed and refreshed, until it's time for another "fem" "FIX".---------Everybody is different but I think I see a similar "Escapist" element in YOU, which might be the CORE reason for your CDing.

I agree with others here - seeing a therapist is a very good idea. I think if I felt as you do, that is precisely what I would do. If you are able to find like-minded people and meet to talk, that seems a useful thing to do as well.

U need to talk with someone who u trust not to judge u. A professional would be best!:thumbsup:

By the way, trans don't, "Jump around like bunnies". The correct phrase is, "Prancing around" in women's clothes. :heehee:

And, there's a few girls here who have admitted to actually doing that!:eek:

I think that this says the same thing that I said above, but from a more authoritative source.

As GLAAD explains on its website, a transgender identity isn’t solely based on physical appearance. Although <Name> has opted to undergo hair transplant surgery and breast augmentation, there are transgender individuals who will never take hormones, have surgery or physically alter their appearance.

Ultimately, each person will make a decision that is right for them.

What you have related sounds a lot like gender dysphoria, Mara. No one here can make that diagnosis, so get started on finding a qualified professional who can help your sort things out. Keep in mind that it's a process, and you will not be provided the answers to most of your questions. You will, however, be guided into asking and answering those things for yourself, so be honest and kind with yourself.
Good luck, my dear.

Again, thank you for all of your responses and comments. I know that i can't get an answer or solution here but talking about it is a good thing.

Dysphoria is a major thing i guess, and i'm not sure to be in that exact spectrum. That case fear me a lot, truth said, because i won't be able to manage it for sure.
I've been dressing since teenaging. More than 20 years hidding and fearing to be discovered because, you know, "it's not what normal men do". But in the last year i can't pass a day without thinking that i don't like myself really. I can live normally, of course, working and so, but i'm quite tired of questioning myself about why every girl i see can look so great and in exchange, i don't. It's pure envy and that can't be a good thing at all.

I know how my body is and i know that i can't really change it in the way i'd like. It's all in my head but if i?d do certain steps, my beloved family will suffer and i can't get that.

At this point, i'm going to ask but some help. I don't know very well what to do but i'll surf through internet i guess. It's a starting point at least.
Besides, i'm thinking about piercing my ears. For me, it would be a BIG step... xD

My most sincere apologies if i am divagating in excess. My fault. I have a really mess in my heads these last days.

Best regards and have great days there. And again, thanks. ^^

"But lastly, around the last year, "the urge" to crossdress is quite different. Or at least, it is what it seems. I just need it because I feel right when i'm using women clothes. And it is not a sexual thing at all. When i'm at home in my "girl mode", i'm relaxed, i'm in peace and i'm happy. (Not jumping around like a bunny but you know, smiling) xD

When i'm using male clothes most of time i'm sad, serious, without energy we could say. I hate the hairs growing every day in my beard, for example. And more things but that details aren't important now.
I see women everyday in tv, in the streets, in internet and, all i can think is that i'm jealous of them. Their bodies, their clothes, etc... It's crazy, i know, because i like women. "

Hi, I don't have a solution for you but wanted to say this part I quoted I can very much related to! You are not alone....

If you are suffering from gender dysphoria, you have a choice; manage it or let it manage you. "Managing" it means understanding, accepting, and pursuing treatment. It does not mean "curing" it.
You speak of fear, but knowing... really knowing yourself is something to pursue and embrace. No?

I think that i need time before thinking about doing anything. I have lot of stress from my job these last months and my head is creating a mix of feelings quite big.

I have received a lot of support and great advices here so i'm going to use them. First of all, stop. Calm down and take control of the situation. As i said, i'm very confused and i'm going to clear my thoughts if i can. I'll search for help in certain moment because i'll need it.

By the way something is happening in my life in the next days and it will be a BIG step for me. I'm moving and living alone in my first own house. That will give me a whole new world to explore. To be sincere that means that i will have plenty of time to be whatever i want, to dress whatever i like. It's very exciting, girls. :)
And by the way, i'm pretty, pretty sure that i'll be more time in my femme side that in my male one. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? No idea. All i can say is that i'm going to look for more time in girl clothes. I can't avoid it and well, i dont want avoid it. ^^

I think it's time to close this thread. I don't want to bother you all anymore with my problems. I must face them by myself.

So thank you very much to everyone. You are great,girls.
Keep up the good work! :D


P.D: I'll try to write more from now. :)

Mara, You can ask to have the thread closed but just remember we are still here to listen. Good luck!

No, it doesn't necessarily means you are a transsexual, and that is a good thing. Therapy can help. But don't fall into the danger of the trans community echo chamber. Just because you like to dress and/or are a feminine man doesn't mean you have to transition or change your body.

It is a good thing you don't want a wife or girlfriend, being a crossdresser or being significantly non-gender conforming can severely limit your chances of finding one (for some here like myself, it has made it impossible.)

If you feel you need professional help, please seek it out. The internet is full of lots of opinions and experiences that may not specifically be related to your feelings, needs, or questions. Best wishes in your search for answers.

Closing the thread per the OP's request.