Is my midlife crisis me becoming a woman (and some of my life history in a nutshell)

**I had trouble deciding whether to put this in the Transsexual or Crossdressers forum, anyway here it is…**

I'm not sure what to do here, I'm drawn so strongly into doing what I do and it is all consuming right now, it has been that way for the last year…

Like most of you I have dressed most my life, some of that is detailed elsewhere here in the forums but suffice it to say it has been going on since I was a little kid. About 20 years ago I finally started seeing a therapist about my gender issues, I only saw her twice, I had been seeing therapists about loneliness & suicide for some years before that, but was afraid to tell them about my feelings about my gender (and my guess is that I was still not sure where I was on that spectrum when I was seeing them). But about 1999 I was at a point where I was ready to commit to a new lifestyle (or die, it was that bad, really) Then I met my wife. She (unknowingly) rescued me from me, but now I am not sure that was for the best. I stopped seeing the new gender therapist, married my wife, and eighteen years later here I am… I absolutely love her, but don’t love the situation I'm in, we're in. I had only dressed once or twice in the last 15 years, but I have fantasized about it (and about being a woman in general) constantly. She doesn't have a clue about how I feel, and had really never given any opinion on the issue until the last several years. But then, funny enough, it was right about the time Caitlin Jenner came out… my wife turns absolutely negative about anything Trans, she refers to them (which means she refers to us) as 'it.' She says they are sick, wrong, deviant... So about a year ago something snaps, I stop fantasizing about dressing up and start buying wigs, clothes & makeup and planning for any out of town trips that come up. I have been in female overdrive ever since and can't stop. To make things even more interesting, my wife has two adult children that live with us, one is 27, she graduated as a med tech two years ago, the other is 31, he spent six years in the army (11Bravo) then came home five years ago. They don't do anything, don't work, don't drive, don't pay any bills (he pays for his phone), he is still going to school on the GI bill to be a nurse, the classes are once or twice a week. My wife and I get in arguments about me wanting them to get jobs, sometimes leading to huge blow ups, I feel terrible about it and I feel trapped. I also feel emasculated, which kinda plays into my whole crossdressing thing in a sadly ironic way. As I said the oldest is ex-military (nothing wrong with that, I'm an army brat myself) with six years in the infantry (Two combat tours), and has taken the outlook on life that anyone different is wrong/bad and run with it, he is anti-gay, anti-black, anti-anyone not white… And he is extremely anti Trans. I have actually told my therapist that if I should suddenly die she is free to go to the police with everything I have told her. I am afraid if he found out he'd be so angry he'd attempt to hurt or kill me (He has anger issues, and yes, I'd fight back, funny enough I am a right of center crossdresser/Trans person, they do exist, and I am armed. It would be a tragic situation whatever the outcome and I do not want to go there). Anyway, all the two 'kids' do is watch TV, play video games and surf the web, no social life, they are shut ins… I am afraid at this rate I will be 70 and they will still be here and I will be paying the bills. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to kick them out of the house just for me, I want to kick them into their own lives for their own good, it is not healthy for them to do nothing… But that is another issue (My therapist is covering that too, and has given me some insights on it)

Now to the midlife crisis, I am 54, I look better as a woman then as a man (at least in my opinion). I feel better dressed and looking like a woman then as a man, when I get the chance to dress up I am in absolute total heaven… As I said, for the last few months it has consumed me, it is what I want, I look forward to and plan for the few times I am able to completely dress up. I underdress at work frequently, in the morning before going to work, and on bike rides in the morning. I get up at 4AM on Sundays so I can do my 'girly' laundry so I can do it all over again the next week. It is as if I have two lives, me and me, and I am having a hard time living both. At this point I do not know what to do, my therapist thinks I would be better off being truthful to all (which would lead to a divorce, I am sure, and possible violence) but absolutely love and would never want to hurt my wife. But then I want this so bad, I don't know what to do other than to keep spinning my wheels like I have been. I come from a family of stoic men, but I am tired of being strong & silent… I am lying to myself in a way, and I am lying to her. I really don't know what to do and it is twisting my insides apart… Knowing that there will be another chance to dress up is all that keeps me going right now. Is this my life from now on???

You’ve got a lot going on. As I read your post, I think you know what you want to do. You mention not wanting to hurt your wife - admirable and right on, but I don’t see telling her the truth as hurting her. If she feels angry or rejected or cheated or whatever, that’s her feeling that way. Not you making her feel that way. It’s your choice to be honest, her choice how she reacts.

You deserve to live an authentic life. You deserve to follow your bliss. Does that mean becoming a woman? I don't know, maybe you do, maybe you don't, but you should at least explore it. At some point, your wife is going to have to rectify herself to your feminine side (whether you become a woman or not, this is at least an important part of you) or else she's living the lie as well.

At some point you'll have to follow your bliss, you can't continue forever split up inside like this.

It is time to divorce your wife, move out, and live the life you have always wanted. If you're concerned about personal safety, then move out first and do this from a distance (and tell police to establish a record). You don't owe anything to these kids, especially the intolerant one. Let your wife down easy but tell the truth about who you are. Life is too short to not live the way you want.

Yes, a lot going on. Too much for anyone here to be of use in resolving things. You owe it to yourself and your family to get these issues sorted out. Certainly, it's not all on you, but you must do what you can. Find a qualified counselor and commit to working through these things.

A tough situation for sure. My older twin brothers are very similar to your son in law. If they found out about my dressing, i would be in a world of ridicule. I think they may suspect, or think i am gay, too,which i am not. I do not have sex with anyone, period. I think writing the wife a very honest heartfelt letter is better than telling her verbally, as emotions can go way out of control. And in the letter assure her she is loved and cherished, and that you are not gay. Tell her many men silently struggle with this thing, too, even marines, cops, firemen, construction workers. I have opened up to some women i know or knew, but they were just platonic friends. A few were neutral but not joyful, and most were against it totally. Life surely is unfair, and cruel at times, even most of the time. I can relate to being suicidal at at times, and was close to doing it a number of times. I know that CDing can take over ones' life all too easily. I have been through so much anguish over it, and it goes against my religion too. Constant conflict, because i enjoy a lot of man things too, and struggle . I have to admit and accept that i have this compulsion, and deal with it and control it, or it can get me into a lot of trouble. I was meeting admirers a little, but thankfully never had penetration sex. Now, i am learning to accept my maleness too, and be more balanced. I very seldom dress up now. For a long time, it was in control of me. I still think about it a lot though. i never got to have a wife, and am almost 65 now! i found it was also a substitute for a mate i never had. I fantasize of sex, as the woman, and not the man, but i am attracted to some women, and no men! I always felt that women feared men and me as if we were all predators, and i thought women really hated sex, as my sister despised men and never had a boyfriend or sex. She is 71 now. I am pretty messed up. But, i would not have penetration sex outside of marriage to a woman, due to old fashion morals. I do hope you can put the brakes on to your pink fpg. Maybe write down the advantages of putting on the brakes, emotionally and potential disasters it can cause uncontrolled. It is like nuclear energy , and needs to be controlled or it can destroy. Easy does it for a while.

You don't want to hurt your wife with the knowledge that you are CD, but she doesn't seem to mind hurting you financially by letting her two grown children sponge off you.
I think it is eventually going to come down to the choice of which is more important, being married to your wife or being you.

Brandiaz, u r too close to the situation to be able to make a rational decision!:doh:

I was married and divorced. Things actually got a lot better for both of us after we separated! I even wanted to get back together. But, she had already moved on. Especially after getting her freedom from me. U need to do the same! The heck with the finances, just rent a small apartment or private room.

Once u both get away from each other, u will either work it out, remain apart, or decide to divorce. But, the only way to make a rational decision is to GET OUT ASAP!:thumbsup:

When a couple are on totally different life paths, having them try to be a team, is impossible.
I mean imagine walking into a hostile situation with a photographer and signalman as your only team mates, you all get wasted.

It's time to find a new team member, so you can all live the lives you want.

I got a new team member, best thing ever.

First, don't do anything rash. Your GID has been going on for nearly a lifetime, so that part isn't anything new. You've just got a whole lot of other stuff going on now at the same time. And wow, what a predicament. But careful, you're not the only one with a severe problem here; is sure sounds like everyone in your household is on the verge of falling apart. Your wife certainly; pretty much every mom would do anything for her children, and seeing two adult children of hers failing in their lives big time has to be tearing her apart. Of course she wants to help them, but obviously has no idea what to do any more than you do. And those kids? They're in a world of hurt, too. Their generation grew up in an era when dreams were routinely shattered, companies closing, the job crunch making it harder than ever to get by. It sounds like you are the only thing holding everyone together at this point, and that stress definitley is riding heavy on your shoulders, so of course your capacity to hold back the desire to crossdress is going to be at perhaps an all time low. Does that mean you really want to be a woman? Who knows. But the fact that the desire waned so much for that ten year period while you were married strongly suggests that, well, maybe you don't; that this is just a situational crisis that is just overwhelming your abilities to cope. And as men, we're supposed to never complain, and be able to cope with everything and remain the stoic, strong, silent one that always keeps it all going.
But you need help, especially someone to talk to about all this, if just to vent all your frustrations to. Therapists are usually great for this, if only for that much help, alone. I strongly urge you to look into this, if your therapist isn't helping, look for another. There are plenty out there.
Just keep it together, and take one day at a time. Find another, outside pasttime of sorts (and I don't mean crossdressing, this is not a hobby), some sort of a hobby or something, that will get you away from that oh-so-stressfull environment that your house is.
DON'T just jettison your entire life by coming out to your family. Most of the time, it doesn't work out well. Despite the success stories documented here, the odds are very greatly against you. Don't allow the pink fog to cloud your judgement, like I did. When I came out to my wife, then my mom and sister, I basically blew up my life. Remember, if you do wind up alone, the odds of finding a woman who is okay with crossdressing to date are extremely slim at best, and impossible at worst. Should you ever decide to transition, and indulge your 'inner woman', and still desire a woman as a mate, your chances are virtually zero. Not absolute zero, there are maybe a handful of women in the entire world who are romantically and sexually turned on by, and interested in, a MTF TS. But maybe five out of 4 billion is still essentially zero.
This IS your life right now. But keep working on everything, and try to find ways of making things better. The kids do need help. One needs to find a job, the other is going to school. That's a start. Male RN's are always in demand, so when he's finished, there will be jobs waiting for him, as long as he's not the type to insist on the perfect position right out of school. The girl med tech as well needs to work on it, too. She has a marketable skill, so there's got to be somewhere that she can start, if only part time at first. She just needs to get out there and keep looking. Frustrating, I know. But it has to be done. Just tread gently, because it sounds like you're living in a tinderbox ready to explode.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

DON'T just jettison your entire life by coming out to your family. Most of the time, it doesn't work out well. Despite the success stories documented here, the odds are very greatly against you. Don't allow the pink fog to cloud your judgement, like I did. When I came out to my wife, then my mom and sister, I basically blew up my life. Remember, if you do wind up alone, the odds of finding a woman who is okay with crossdressing to date are extremely slim at best, and impossible at worst. Should you ever decide to transition, and indulge your 'inner woman', and still desire a woman as a mate, your chances are virtually zero. Not absolute zero, there are maybe a handful of women in the entire world who are romantically and sexually turned on by, and interested in, a MTF TS. But maybe five out of 4 billion is still essentially zero.

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Jesus, why do you type this rubbish? Why not just use copy and paste, it'll save you time and since you only ever say the exact same negative apocalyptic buncome over and over again why put so much time into typing some new version of it? Just how old will you have to be before you start to realise that there may actually be more to a loving interpersonal relationship between two humans than sexual gratification?

If I were in your shoes I would leave and move on.
If you aren't happy why stay? Being the stoic male isn't healthy been there done that.
The adult kids need to get up off their ass and go to work. Not for you but for themselves. They are taking advantage of their Mother and you owe them nothing.

Brandiaztv,
I really feel for your plight. It sounds like you are very much in love with your wife. You indicate that your wife is in the dark as far as your dressing is concerned. Nothing will ever happen if it continues that way, unless she finds out by accident (not ideal). Of course, you know your wife better than we do, so having a discussion with her is totally your call. However, going along status quo is obviously hard on you. To consider leaving the marriage without her knowledge is not allowing her to make a educated opinion about acceptance or rejection. Hopefully she would choose acceptance or at least tolerance. This secret seems to be eating away at you, maybe (again you know her better than this forum members) time to reveal your feelings.

Her kids are a different problem. It seems that she may also see the same behaviors that you do but not dealing with it. Just my opinion but if you haven’t already expressed your dissatisfaction with the way her grown children are treating you both, time to speak up.

I worked with a single lady whose youngest daughter was in college but turning into a lazy leech. My friend gave her a deadline when the gravy train was going to be cut off if the kid didn’t get a job. It worked. Maybe it would work for you too, you two just have to be united to make it work for you.

I hope you don’t just wallow in silence.

Best of luck to you both.

Brandi...,
It's a tough one for both of you , your wife has a fair load on with having two adult passengers back at home .

While it's only part of the problem sorting that situation will help your wife deal better with your needs . Two able bodied adults living back on you like that would drive me nuts !

You TG needs are all too familiar , you have had some counselling so you know you need help , the problem I had with my counselling was my wife thought it was a cure .

To blindly tell you to divorce and move on may be the eventual outcome but you're trying to work out solutions that will work with your wife . Not sure what to make of the violence comment , is that something you expect from a member of you family ?

The desire to dress is so powerful because you haven't found your balance yet , somehow you have to reolve that before you can give any real answers to your wife . I know from experience this inbalance can't go on , something has to give, remaining strong becomes harder where it can end up isn't pleasant , again I know how bad that can be but I lived to tell the tale .

Possible solutions , if your wife is agreeable maybe joint counselling , again I had the problem of being the broken one that needed fixing . I often suggest going out to a social group but I'm not sure if that is the answer in your case but it might be worth giving it a try , what have you to lose ? If it helps then that's a step in the right direction . Separation/divorce isn't the end of the World it might give both of you more happiness than you have now , I hoped mine could be amicable , perhaps it was naive but in some cases it can work out OK .

There is a perfeclty normal life to be lived as Brandi.. if you feel strong enough , it can happen , I never dreamed it could happen for me but it has , I have gained more out of it than I've lost and I'm far happier .

Thank you all for your responses, I am truly torn here and at a loss for what to do. I have a life that I have built (We have built) and as I said, I truly love my wife. We are good together, and it is me that has the issue to be dealt with, and I truly don't want to lose her and this life… That first step (just coming out) is a huge one, and I know my wife, there would be no going back.

As far as transitioning there are times where it is all I want to do, I see myself living that life and enjoying it, but I think that may be me seeing things through rose (or maybe pink fog) colored glasses. In reality I have no idea what life would be like… And while I do not looks at guys in that way in the real world, as a woman I would not be interested in having a relationship with a woman, as I said, all my fantasies are me the woman being with a man. That paints me into a very narrow corner sexually, so yes, is it my fantasy or is it my life??? When I am dressed I am so truly happy, but is that a reaction to where I am situationally? Dressed up I am in a zone, I have no cares, worries, no thoughts of the future as I am right there in the present… Reality as a woman, as Brandi, would be much different for me I expect, good or bad? I have no idea.

I have thought out different ways to try and subtly let my wife on to how I feel and what I do, things like leaving something laying around that she will find. I have considered (and partially thought out) a letter. I have even started wearing 'out of my comfort zone' clothes, not exactly feminine but much less masculine then I usually wear. I have partially shaved my shoulders and armpits, no reaction yet... I have started using the argument that we are all human beings, despite our color, sexual orientation, gender orientation when negative comments come up to the point of pissing her son off about it. Sometimes it is just too much to just sit quietly and not say anything…

Several of you have pointed out that I am at a crux where several things are hitting me at the same time and I am overwhelmed, I cannot agree more, I didn’t even mention work, a whole other situation, so yes I recognize that there are many things affecting me, and the dressing is my main response/therapy to make myself feel better. Bicycling would be a close and safer if not necessarily as fulfilling second, (while out bicycling yesterday morning I pretty much composed the post I wrote yesterday, I joke to my therapist that my bicycle is my other therapist) But one thing I know is that now, in the heat of the moment might be a bad time to make an earth shaking decision, but it will need to be dealt with somehow.

It is difficult with the kids, we (My wife and I) have talked about it, and usually it escalates, I know a lot of this is that we communicate in two very different ways. I also know there are issues in her past (deaths & divorce) that have her wanting to keep family very very close (and much too close for me…) My therapist brought me to the recognition that it is her, not just the kids, who is keeping them from getting out and working, she is protecting them even if it is unconsciously. I need to find a way to get her onboard with getting them on their feet. I could go on, yes this is a house full of people in need of therapy, my wife at one time even mentioned us going to couples therapy, but then nixed it as I think she was afraid of what would come of it. Now, if we go to couples therapy to deal with the kids, what do I tell the therapist (The couples therapist, not my therapist) as the therapist would be working on incomplete information if I did not let them know about my crossdressing. It's a conundrum…

One thing I have truly learned from all this, the grim ironic humor of my situation (an possibly all our situations to one degree or another) is amazing and that fact that I can find humor in it is at least one good sign. Sometimes I think my life is like a bad Woody Allen movie, maybe with a little Tarantino thrown in… I should write a script.

Your thoughts are rambling to the point where stress has overwhelmed your focus. You are seeing a gender therapist. That is a good fact and that advise should be foremost in stress reduction. What does your therapist say about your gender dysphoria & how to explain it to your wife? In my opinion, you have to have the talk in order for there to be any chance of peace at home & in your soul. Even if there is reception at home, the road to self actualization will be bumpy with many tears shed. It’s up to you to find your peace. You are so worth living in peace with yourself. Please keep us posted as to developments as I will worry for you.

First thing you need to do get tough with both kids, they are old enough to fend for themselves they are adding to the stress of both you and your wife, perhaps after that then you can begin to figure out the rest of the issues in your life without the stresses they are adding

Sophie

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

DON'T just jettison your entire life by coming out to your family. Most of the time, it doesn't work out well. Despite the success stories documented here, the odds are very greatly against you. Don't allow the pink fog to cloud your judgement, like I did. When I came out to my wife, then my mom and sister, I basically blew up my life. Remember, if you do wind up alone, the odds of finding a woman who is okay with crossdressing to date are extremely slim at best, and impossible at worst. Should you ever decide to transition, and indulge your 'inner woman', and still desire a woman as a mate, your chances are virtually zero. Not absolute zero, there are maybe a handful of women in the entire world who are romantically and sexually turned on by, and interested in, a MTF TS. But maybe five out of 4 billion is still essentially zero.

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Now I know that's nonsense, because I still managed to more or less fall into a relationship with someone who was just that. "Woman" is stretching it as they were more than a bit to the transmasculine side of things, and they didn't realize their strong attraction to transfeminine people up front, but we loved each other and that means it still counts. What, am I somehow the by far luckiest person in the world? (Spoiler: no. That relationship went bad for unrelated reasons.)

At least give yourself a chance. Maybe be open to relationships with other trans people? Maybe meet people and spend some time, online and in meatspace, where this is at least relatively accepted? Yes, those places exist. I've heard reasonably good things about fetlife, but have no personal experience there. That's not the only place.

Maybe try that instead of approaching it like a straight cis man and wondering why you only get people who want straight cis men?

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Originally Posted by DaisyLawrence

Jesus, why do you type this rubbish? Why not just use copy and paste, it'll save you time and since you only ever say the exact same negative apocalyptic buncome over and over again why put so much time into typing some new version of it? Just how old will you have to be before you start to realise that there may actually be more to a loving interpersonal relationship between two humans than sexual gratification?

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Thank you.

Brandi, it's way too easy for me to say "dump her and get the hell out". I don't know your life. But that sure sounds like the ideal result.

Gosh, Brandi, you've got too many rough rows to hoe. Here are some thoughts as an observer. Write down ALL of the negative, NON-DRESSING situations that are disturbing you so deeply.. every one, even those of your wife. Keep your dressing out of the equation, for now. Your only positive, non-dressing situation seems to be your love for your wife.

Seek council from an attorney as to how to protect yourself and your assets when you separate .. yep! Separate!

Once you find a place to stay, move out, preferably on a day when her adult children, and possibly your wife, are out of the house. Leave a note for your wife telling her you had to move out, but NOT why, at this time. If possible, take only what you actually need to resume very basic housekeeping. Almost everything else, including a bed (cot?) can be secured at a thrift shop.

Don't give her your new address. Now, send her a letter and outline in detail what must be done for you to return home. Don't mention anything about being TG. If she wakes up to what she's been doing as a collaborator for her adult kids and truly (love?)wants you back, she will comply. It may take time. Ultimations may need time.

A thought .. if you tend to agree with my assessment but would like more input from your sisters here, post your outline of the things that must be done for evaluation.

I wish you the best results. Good luck, Brandi!

Your situation is incredibly complicated. Your answer could possibly be in the comments below, but professional help is always recommended for situations such as yours.

Hi Brandi:

First, stop listening to the naysayers. I started transitioning 2.5 years ago and my wife and I are still together. There are women out there who will love a trans girl. It it possible, but — you have other issues. You are the victim of a psychologically and financially abusive situation vis a vis your stepchildren.

If you come out to them things will just get more abusive. They will use what they know about you as leverage against you.

You need an exit plan, because the stepkids are a no win situation that you just need to get away from. Your wife will never choose you over them and if she does they will hate you for life.

The bottom line here is, the woman you need to love first and best is the one you see when you look in the mirror. Either set things up so she can live openly or have the man in you guard and protect her and keep her safe. Be a man about it regardless, by being ready to walk away like a man if that’s what it takes.

And if you are afraid your stepson will kill you, then you need to leave anyway. Love the woman inside first. Then later you will find love from the right people— not fake love from users and abusers.

Brandi, be careful of advice from us here as we do not know the ins and outs and details. All I can suggest is for any really complex problem break it down into small parts. See if you can sort out the kids first. once life is a bit simpler there then move onto the next problem.

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I have thought out different ways to try and subtly let my wife on to how I feel and what I do, things like leaving something laying around that she will find. I have considered (and partially thought out) a letter. I have even started wearing 'out of my comfort zone' clothes, not exactly feminine but much less masculine then I usually wear.

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I would like to suggest to you that subtle hints, as you mentioned, may not be a good idea. In fact, just my opinion, they may do more harm than good. Your idea of writing her a letter may be a better option. She should not have to guess at what is going on with you. If you really want her to know the truth, you should clearly communicate what you are thinking. Only you can give her that.

You know your wife and how you feel about each other better than those of us on this forum. It will be your choice to reveal or not. Hope it goes well for you.

You have not really mentioned how your wife feels about the leaching children. If she is upset with them then the two of you can do the hard love thing and kick them out. If the wife wants them their then you need to leave or establish an "escape" residence. Move into it and tell the wife that you will come home when they are permanently gone, not have jobs, but moved out of your home.

If/when I do come out to her it will have to be either with me being out of the house (Not really what I want), or after we get the kids out.


As far as her and the kids are concerned, as I said one of the thing the therapist is helping me to work on is to get my wife onboard with getting the kids on their feet and (eventually) out, I think my wife agrees in principal, but she has huge abandonment issues which makes it difficult for her. Her lotto winning fantasy is to have everyone living in a huge house together, for the rest of their lives… She makes excuses for them, he was never hurt in combat, there are psychological issues but he has worked after he got out, he has friends and is a smart guy and can function on his own. My step-daughter is literally an overly shy shut in, she has no friends. Part of a job is exposure to others, which is exactly what she needs. Therapy is not an option (My wife does not know I am going to therapy, if she ever found out I would tell her it is for depression or other issues) for whatever reason she thinks therapy in general is a waste of time, and yes I have explained to her that I am alive today because I sought help in the past. Anyway, when I bring up the subject of them getting a job she accuses me of wanting to kick the kids out right now, and it devolves into a fight from there. But I am working on it…