"Only one person has said anything..."

I have been full time for almost half a year now. I go where I want to go, do what I want to do and so far it hasn't been an issue.

However I know that people stare and have their own ideas about who or what I am. I am not that naive. It is just that most keep their opinions to themselves or at least out of earshot.

You know (in your are a US Football fan) that the Broncos are going to the Superbowl. I may be what most consider a fair weather fan. I watch bits and pieces of the early games and keep track of where they are on the ladder, but I don't live and breathe football. This is a big deal here (although not as big as it was when we last went to the SB). People are rabid. This Sunday there will be parties all over town, private and public. I am not one to want to interact with a bunch of loud, often obnoxious, drunks. So I plan to stay home. The seat is better, the snacks are easy to get and I can pee when I want.

My Veteran's club is having one of those parties. Now I go where I want to go and since this club's mission is equality and equal rights, I figure that includes me. I know better. The majority of the members are older than I am, stuck in their ways both from when they grew up and their heritage. I go to see my friends and I don't really care to interact with those who won't accept me as I am. But last week was volunteer appreciation dinner and I was invited (because I volunteered a little this year). But I was shunned by the majority of the members there. My friends all talked to me but the larger number of people didn't. I could see the furtive looks, I could see the whispers to table mates. I am not blind. I know I won't be accepted by everyone. It was like there was a force field around me when some came near (6 foot space).

Anyway back to the football thing. It was decided that the club would have a party. Food, booze, televised game. They sent out an email asking for RSVP. I declined but when Io did another page popped up asking why. First it isn't any of their business. But since you asked I put [X] other and wrote "It isn't my thing. I will stay home". Last night the person who is responsible for the webpage came to me and asked. "We would like you to come even if it isn't your thing". I declined again and he asked why. I said "most the people here don't like me around and I don't want to interfere with the big party." He sort of looked shocked. Usually the reply to that is "No one cares how you look, they all accept you here". But he said "Um, I have not heard anyone say...well I did hear one person say they didn't want you here." He was like one person isn't a big deal and it isn't generally but we know that 99% of people won't complain. So in my mind let's just say 100 people in the club don't like it. If I wanted to make my point (which I have given up on at this club over time...they are not for equality except when it effects them personally. They don't care about other races, women, religions, and especially gender) I would go just to put it in their face. I have a lot of friends who do accept me there but I don't want even that ONE person to not enjoy the game because the "Tranny" is there. (We won't even get into the fact that I played corner-back in the Army and had 4 interceptions and one touchdown return in a season...I know football).

Would I be selfish if I go, just because I am who I am and they should not bother me? OR am I selfish for NOT going so that everyone can have fun? And I am amazed one person even said something out loud.

(actually I am selfish because I don't want to be out on the streets with a bunch of inebriated people)

I guess the only real question would be "is going there worth it to you"? The *vulgarity of choice* on your hater in the group - a few months ago I declined a social event, the friend who invited me commented that "it would make one friends day for you to be there, and ruin one jerks day for you to be there, that's a win - win"

I like your comment Rachael. Lorileah, you should only go if you want to, regardless of a few dissenters. I don't think you will ruin it or distract from the fun for the vast majority, whether they like what you are or not. Going may also have an added benefit in that they will see you as you, presenting differently, but still a qualified member of your special and valued group of veterans. The more you go to their events, the less it will bother people over time as they become accustomed to seeing the new you, new to them that is. However, if your reason for not going, "inebriated people" really is valid to you, then the rest is unimportant. You can always go to other activities that you want to go to and where your presence makes you feel like you did what you wanted and accomplished what you wanted, from participating as a regular member (maybe making a pint of being there as you), to making the point that you still have every right to be there, to volunteering to help and all the personal benefits that brings to you (pleasure and the special satisfaction that you are personally helping out). You will figure it out, as you always do. Enjoy the game either way, and I am rooting for the Broncos.

(actually I am selfish because I don't want to be out on the streets with a bunch of inebriated people)

Lorlleah You said it all in this one statement! That is the primary reason I avoid parties where there will be heavy drinking.I just don't want to deal with it.

Maggie

I don't think you should let other people control your choices, Lorileah. Go if you want to go, don't go if you don't want to go. No, you are not selfish if you go - you have NO CONTROL over how others react. If someone chooses to have a lousy time because "the tranny" is there, that is their decision, and THEIR FAULT. You have no power over others, don't give them power over you.

That said, I can understand that walking into the lions den to prove a point isn't much fun, so no judgment from me anyway if you choose not to go. It's your choice, no one else's.

If it wasn't for Dumb asses who would be around to make us look so SMART ?

I don't get the part about being selfish....it is like saying you are selfish for eating your piece of cake because someone else wanted a larger than average piece. What is going on is really your own negative attitude, you are scared to deal with someone who might object to you, but you have already decided they object to you...so you are selfish in that way. I think what is really happening is people don't know how to react to you given you messed up their card catalogue of you. You need to get out there, joke with them and show them you still enjoy the things they like even if you 'look different'.

Lorlleah;
You are walking into a stacked deck. Like you said, most of those old guys are
only interested in their own image, and a CD or Trans is not part of the deal.
I am an Officer in my VFW and the Legion. I will not wear a bra into the club,
To many back slapping idiots, and do not want to be found out.
Rader

Lorileah I normally don't post on the transsexual forum but as I've seen so many threads you have expressed an opinion in I'll give you my take on your dilemma.

Decide on what you want to do and do it. As for anyone having said anything about not wanting you there I'm 100% sure you are not the only person out of 100 that this has been said of.

No way can 100 people be at a party where at least one of them wishes another person had stayed home, it's just life.

Good luck and have fun

It is the men that seem to be the problem there (although it could have been a woman who said that I don't know). It is an ethnic based club which has some deep roots also. It is a club where the average age is 60. All these things combined add up. So I knew in my heart there were people who didn't like "me" there (they sure liked the guy me...) because a few have made it a point to stay away from me. That doesn't bother me. It bothers me a little that someone would go to an officer of the club and complain about me but not unexpected again (one reason I joined this club was the mission statement of promoting equality and civil rights along with education for minorities). Interesting side bit. They elected a new executive board last month. 2 years ago I was the Vice Commander but they didn't know about Lori at the time. When my term was up it "came out" so to speak. The new vice commander resigned and they asked me to take my old position. I said "If I can come as Lori"; half said yes, half immediately went in search of someone else (I didn't want the job...I hate politics and all that ceremony). This year the women's chapter asked me to again run for VC. They wanted to break up the good old boy network (you have to be a veteran to hold that office). Again, I didn't want the position. Their plan was to have a woman be commander and me as VC which they thought would be a big coup for the club. The first chapter in the US with a female commander and a TG VC. The GGs were all behind this but they lacked the votes in the end. So as I said I think it had to be a man. A coward of a man because he didn't come to me directly, but a man nonetheless.

I don't think I will go. Mostly because I don't want to be in that type of mob for this event. As far as the club goes, I will continue to go but now I am on the look out for the person who has an issue...I might buy them a drink :) ( I was going to say I would flirt but what if they decided to say Yes? :puke:)

Lorileah,


If you were really a woman at this point. Or if you were a man... don't you think that at least one person in the room would not like you? Seems as if you are letting the one person, determine your life choice.


Regardless of man, woman or in between etc. not everyone will like you and if it is only one in the room that is not your fan, you might just want to throw on some pasties and spiked heels to see if you can make it two people that don't like you. I can assure you, with numbers that low I would just go in and at least work on bringing the number up to 5 or so..


Just my thoughts... You got it in you. Now go give em' hell!!!


Vanny

Tough one. I feel like you've earned your presence there by your service, but I also think you've earned the right to choose your company. I would guess that your assessment of those older vets is correct...they are great supporters of equal rights for people like themselves, but for others...not so much. But they are also way too old and rigid in their thinking to ever change.


For the record, I did my time in the Army, honorably, but I know I would be unwelcome at the VF or Legion if I came as myself.

Personally, I'll skip the Super Bowl until the NFL gives up it's 'non profit' status!

The whole thing sounds like a swamp of small town politics and petty bickering. But then, most clubs are. The ante on that was upped when you transitioned. Perhaps you should revisit your association with the club and not just this event.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

.....But I was shunned by the majority of the members there. My friends all talked to me but the larger number of people didn't. I could see the furtive looks, I could see the whispers to table mates. I am not blind. I know I won't be accepted by everyone. It was like there was a force field around me when some came near (6 foot space)....

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Lori, every word you said is exactly what happened to me at our company Christmas party. This doesn't happen at work or out with customers, but it did at the party. I think it had to do with the fact that many of the people there only see me once a year at the party. I think in time, people see us just as ourselves and it becomes less and less of an issue. Go, if you want to and who knows, you may be the one who helps change peoples attitudes, as they get to know you as you are. If you don't want to go, then by all means, don't put yourself under undo stress. You are NOT selfish either way. Make yourself happy either way.

Hi Lorileah. Hope I am not intruding in a TS forum, but I think you are pretty cool and as a fellow veteran, I wanted to comment. We all served our country and put our lives on the line to defend personal liberties, and to sustain a tolerant and inclusive nation. All those old dudes in the VFW understand that, but their false macho bravado gets in the way. I can see them grousing over their cheap tap beer about the "traitor to manhood" in their midst, all trying to out-macho each other.

It's easy for me to be the armchair quarterback (couldn't resist the pun) on this issue. Truth is, you are far braver than most of us, so you are probably in the 1% of CD/TS people who have the courage to be who you are.

You are a role model to many of us. You earned the right to be in that club, not as a man or woman, but as a veteran. As part of the "1% Club" (those that have served our nation) you should hold your head high and attend the event. Like you defended America for the other 99% of civilians, you can be in the vanguard for us closeted types.

Enjoy the Superbowl no matter what you decide. You have my respect and admiration no matter what you choose.

Shibumi

Lorileah, you control your life, who you are, where you go, who you associate with. You have earned certain privileges by living your life. You retain those privileges regardless of the changes that may occur. There is nothing selfish about making decisions that are most satisfying to your life as you live it. You cannot control the thoughts of others, so i often opt for not even giving them a chance to have those thoughts. Whatever you choose to do, just make sure it is what you really want to do and will enjoy the most. Me, I like my living room for the Superbowl, for all the reasons you gave.

Barbara

I have little interest in spectator sports and have always been mystified by the emotions sports can elicit from people. Seattle has been having its own share of sports hysteria and I'm glad to be working in the bay area while it is going on plus I'm usually uneasy around people who are inebriated.

You sound of similar mind and if so its doubtful you would find going very pleasant but regardless be careful not to allow your world to shrink because of how some men are going to react to you.

Masculinity is very fragile and it does not take much for most men to feel threatened when someone does something that reminds them of how fragile their masculine identity is.

It is interesting how a MtF is reviled on a level that would be foreign to a FtM and this simply comes from the culture being built on a miltant patriarchal platform of which football is certainly one of its symbols for.

A transwoman betrays the culture in ways that a transman does not and why transwomen are much more likely to experience violence.

Our existence threatens the identity of men that is built out of the concept of masculinity which is anti-feminine because it is anti-woman which comes out of the profound fear of women.

Stay safe but fight for your place in the world.

When I was in the Navy in the mid 60s, I had to defend myself from all of the guys who had never seen an ocean and since I was from California, and the Bay Area specifically, I must be gay. I loved the Navy but hated most of my fellow sailors.

Even though I am not yet full-time like you are Lorileah, I would never subject myself to that intimidation again. But, all us veterans have earned the right to at least deserve respect for who we may become after our service, and I would never suggest anyone follow my lead when comes to who you associate with.