Always want more.

We were enjoying a bottle of wine in the backyard and I was wearing jeans with pantyhose under with male sandals. My wife looks down at my feet and asked me why I'm not wearing a fem shoe with the pantyhose, the niebours can't see my feet. I told her I only have my pink fluffy slippers that I don't want to dirty outside and everything else has a heel, she instantly grabs her IPad and tells me she's going to order me a pair of flats that I could wear outside when I wear pantyhose instead of male slippers. She shows me a black pair with a bow, I give her the OK and she pushes the button and tells me "done.
I tell her that's amazing I don't even have to ask she does it all herself, she tells me that she's my Genie in the bottle but instead of 3 wishes I get unlimited and if I had anymore wishes for the night
I told her that I wanted to talk to her about something and I wanted her to be honest and not just except things to make her family happy. I told her I have been following someone on the community who belongs to a small group in our city that meets up at small intimate venues and what she thought if I looked into it a little more. My wife is like a Smart device and instantly what's to learn and starts asking questions.
How will I leave the house?,I told her just like a Friday drive, leave half dressed and finish in a parking lot.
Will I have to park the car and walk on the streets in public? I told her the location I have read are downtown in our city, so it's looking like that.
The next question was, am I confident enough to walk in public and interact in a public environment? I told her I didn't have all the answers and that I wasn't asking for a wish, I was just rubbing the lamp to see what the Genie thought.
She wanted to evaluate the situation and that as of now I underdress 90% and dress a couple times a week and take a Friday night drives and I only leave the car when I put in gas. If I should go to dinner with that group I would be taking bigger risks by walking the streets and interacting in the restaurant and taking a bigger chances of being seen.
She reminded me of when I told her 35 years ago and we decided to keep it simple and not tell the children and keep it our secret and we drew a line in the sand and that I crossed that line so much we can't even see it anymore.
She also reminded me of how we are blessed with great children and the amazing family bond we have now and how being seen or outted how our children will always except but it will change things and maybe make thing awkward.
She then asked me if I'm really looking at the big picture and if I'm prepared for what I'm asking and did I really think this threw and this is not a small step, this is risky and a huge step.
She told me if I wanted to educate myself a little more and really think about it, but really think about it.
I believe my biggest problem is that I don't pass at all, this would be a big step and very risky of outting myself. I'm thinking maybe I should just be happy on how far past the line I got already and not push the limits and just be happy of where I am.
Im blessed with an a Genie with unlimited wishes and I'm asking her for one she may not be happy to grant. I quess its human nature to want more.

Maria, I to can dress how I want when I want these days, rules, the neighbours must not see me dressed, our daughter should never know. Other than that all is fine. So I travel to my local seaside resort (about an hour away) where there is an amazing comunity of LGBT, there is plenty of safe clubs at night to go in, I even stay above one of the clubs so I only have to walk downstairs to be in amazing accepting company. It doesnt matter if you pass or not in the company of lgbt, you are accepted as you come, my point is, is there nowhere like this near you ?, but far enough out of the way ?, also will your wife let you stay there overnight like mine does, and bye the way, yes she is invited to come with me, but chooses not to, there are plenty of couples like yourself that attend these pubs and clubs. And I go shopping during the day, its amazing. Talk to the wife maybe she would accompany you on one of these overnight adventures. She even lets me get ready at home so I leave the house fully dressed with no male clothes in my luggage, there have to return fully dressed. Its so exhilarating !!!

I don't think there is a large amount of us who can pass completely and those that do how many of them are dressing 24/7?, the point I am trying to make is that if one dresses suitably a lot can be achieved, I will never pass but I have achieved a happy medium and it works outside nicely. Do i get looked at? rarely plus I think it is the newspaper article about me and my life that made people aware in my locality of what our community is and how we are.

I think you answered your own question with the title of your post. Your wife probably realizes this too. No matter what you do currently, you might always "want more".

It sounds like you have already established acceptable boundaries. Your wife is your biggest supporter. Listen to what she says.

Your biggest challenge is not that you "don't pass" (very very few of us ever do), or that you will be outed (mostly likely by being spotted by a friend, neighbor, or coworker while getting out of YOUR car while dressed). Nope. Your biggest challenge is keeping the genie happy and secure now that you have "rubbed that lamp." Focus on that and everything else will fall into place.

My wife says he same thing as "Char GG", you always want more. It may not seem like a lot but it is to her.

Maria,

Find out where the group next plan to dine out. Then you and your wife book a table for the same time. You go in drab and of course primarily enjoying each other's company you can both check out the dynamics of the group.

There will be some there who look better than others. I very much doubt that there will be any who truly pass. If your wife is confident that your appearance isn't going to make you stand out from the crowd, that you'll fit in with the general presentation shown by those attending, then all things being equal there seems no reason why you shouldn't attend the next get together.

If you only do it once you'll have experienced something you'll never forget. Don't go and I guarantee that at some point in your life you'll find yourself thinking "I wish I'd...". Life is short, don't miss out on those opportunities that will come to mean so much.

I agree with Char - listen to your wife. Whether you will be seen and identified by someone you know and outed or not really isn't the question. The question is whether you are effectively abiding by an agreement with probably the most important person in your life - your mate. She brought that up and so it is obviously still very important in her eyes. The fact you have crossed the original line in the sand in various small ways is quite irrelevant. The line is still there and to her it remains in her mind. She is the most important supporter you have and I think you should honor that completely. It is not about controlling you; it is about honoring her wishes.

Maria, we always want more. That said, listen to what your wife is saying. The other option is to find a group a little further away. The groups I belong to have people come from hundreds of miles away.

That was a good conversation to have.

Maria, I enjoy your posts as they bring up conversations many of us do not have with our wives. I think it is always wise to have a conversation with a wife rather than adopting "Just do it!" I always look at it as "Risk vs Reward." There is always the "What if?" even when a person takes all precautions. "What if," on your Friday night drive some drunk runs into your car and you end up unconscious in the emergency room? "Shit happens" as it is said. Helen offered a good suggestion. Go to the venue and check it out. The event may be appealing, or, it may not. Heck, you may recognize your neighbor.

You're fortunate your wife wants to have those conversations and you can pose questions; the "What if?" Most of us languishing in a DADT have to figure out WTF will happen if something unexpected happens during an adventure that was never discussed. There's a lot of walking on egg shells for most of us.

She's not just a Genie, she's a really smart gal, who is very thoughtful and asks the right questions. I would listen very carefully to her opinion.

Your wife has been accepting and supportive for a long time. Now is not the time to go rogue. Listen to her. However, I do like the idea of both of you going to the same venue so you can observe the group. After doing so, your wife may have a different opinion.

I think you need to revisit the tell the children option. It's either
A- stay with current patterns, or
B- tell children and go to local out there group gatherings, or
C- don't tell but add vacations to be out of range of children sightings, or
D- don't tell and explain so they understand but push to go to local gatherings and opps be discovered. As I recall this was both a family risk and employment risk. Is the out there rush worth the cost? Only you and your wife can measure that answer.

BTW, aren't there other backyard options? polo top with non-pushup bra? leggings? women's jeans? jennings? coolots?

One thing you might research is if changing rooms are available at the venue.Then you can enter and exit drab, overcoming the objections,

Maria,

There is a group here that has been doing a weekly dinner for years in different restaurants around Portland and Vancouver area. I would go after a meeting downtown and usually meetup for dessert. The group size varies from 3 to 10 of all shapes, sizes and experience. There is usually a core group that attends the dinners. Often times a newbie shows up, can call and get an escort in. As far as I know the group has never had any issues. The restaurant owners love the repeat business. The group usually disbands between 9:00 and 10:00 PM. Anyone who wanted an escort to their car always got one.

Before Covid, many times someone in the group would do a Thanksgiving Dinner for those who did not have a place to go and a Christmas Dinner at some upscale restaurants. Attendance has always been good at those events.

Sophie

You have such a wonderful wife, definitely follow her lead on this. The question to ask might be "What do you want to get out of going?" For myself, I really want to attend a support group meeting some day, and I want to because I would love to really just talk about things relating to CD'ing. You can talk with your spouse about such things, so you have some outlet.