My life and the success I have had - Inspiraltional tale?
I don?t post here much, in fact I rarely visit these days. I was last here in late 2018 it seems. But as I look back over the last decade I felt compelled to write and tell my story a bit as I get read for 2020 and beyond because I hope that some of you will like it and may take a little inspiration from it.
First a little background. The avatar image is not me. I won?t show my face here. I am a 46 year old male living in England. I am married with a daughter in college. I have a full time job and I have had the normal struggles most of us have faced. In that sense I much like every other ?working man? in England. I have had an interest in women?s clothing since I was a child. I bought my first item of women?s clothing in 1989 at the age of 16 from a Woolworths store about 15 miles from were I grew up shortly after I was first able to ride a motorcycle and got freedom to go where I wanted when I wanted. This was the start of the journey. For years I bought items and wore/tried things on in private. This was a trend that continued for many years including when I got married in 1999. The years between then and where the story really starts are not important. It was proably much the same as most people here with keeping things [largely] hidden, maybe not understanding why you did what you did or why, the occasional accident discoveries of things by your partners which you had to explain away or try and deal with as best you could etc.
The story really starts in March 2007. I started a new job in the industry I still remain in today. Whilst there I found myself becoming more and more depressed. Without boring you with the details, I went on journey of exploration for a number of years and eventually worked out that the issue was I was conflicted inside, I am a Gemini by birth and view myself as having two people inside me ? the twins if you will of the star sign ? one male, one female (this is the Klaire whose name I use here any a number of other places). If one is in control the other suffers and I get depressed, moody, angry and withdrawn ? I become a nasty person, not violent but just unpleasant. I eventually found a way to merge the two and find a balance which I could work with and which made me more settled inside. In this merged form I am a much nicer, calmer, logical and balanced person. I can (and feel I am) a good father and husband as a result. Now over the last few years done a few jobs, however most important to this story was the last one I did.
I spent 3 years in that role between 2009 and 2012 in which I had a very strict dress code applied at the office I was in. Whilst it was casual clothes every day, the bosses (a husband and wife team) had strict rules over what could be worn ? Good examples are: men could not wear earrings, rings (other than a wedding ring), no necklaces, no v-neck shirts, no ?short, shorts?, only trainers or formal shoes. Women also had some restrictions placed on them too so they looked ?decent? in the eyes of the bosses. Part of the role saw us sometimes attend court cases to give evidence to support clients, for that business dress applied and often we would need to travel to other parts of the UK, staying overnight in a hotel. You only ever went alone, there was never two of you on these trips. I used this to experiment with wearing women?s clothing because of this. If I was driving I would leave the office, stop around the corner and out of sight, then change into something more female ? top, jeans, boots etc. At the hotel I would wear only female clothes and I would attend the court in a female suit and shirt sometimes with full underwear including a bra [which occasionally set of the metal detectors as you walked in, resulting in a pad down and some strange looks/questions which I batted off as it wasn?t like I had done anything wrong]. This again helped me further work out how I felt about things, and how this made me feel.
In October 2012 I changed job again after being made redundant and moved to where I am now, this saw me take a new role which meant I worked a normal 9-5 with no more travelling ? something myself and my wife were very glad off. It?s worth mentioning that I work for a small company of less than 40 people occupying 3 offices in the same building and all of us interacting on a daily basis. Shortly after this change of job 3 very important things happened:
1) I got my ears pierced. My daughter had been wanting to get hers done for a while but was scared to as she thought it would hurt. So I used this as an excuse to have mine done so she could see how painless it was as I had mine done, then she followed suit. I of course had both ears done and not just one as some men do. I could not do this at my old job due to the bosses? restrictions on men with earrings.
2) I still had to attend a number of court cases for my ex-employer. There was an agreement that when someone left the company they would remain available for any court cases up to 6 weeks away, they where already booked to attend because our evidence had already been submitted and often the courts would not allow alternative evidence to be presented in it?s place. My current employer was okay with this. HOWEVER, I was made to attend another case in late January where a solicitor forced my attendance via a witness summons. I warned both the solicitor who did this and my ex-employer they would regret it if they made me attend. But I guess they thought I was bluffing and went ahead.
The day the case before I collected some documents I would need from my ex-employer and left not saying anything about what I planned to do the next day. The next day I drove to the town where that employer (and my current one) are based and caught a train to court which was in a town about a 30 min ride away because I knew parking would be an issue there. And so I turned up?. I put in large diamond style studs. I had a nice, clearly female trouser suit, a red satin shirt with gemmed collar lapels, a silver necklace which fitted under the collar, 2 inch healed shoes, and a tan leather women?s messenger bag, a bra with breast forms which clearly defined my chest a bit. On arrival after a clearly disapproving look at me from the solicitor (which is the reaction I wanted), I made it clear I would not be helping them if I had to go into the court room I would exercise my right to refuse to answer any questions. The case was adjourned thankfully and by lunch I was dismissed. I went back to my ex-empolyer still dressed in full female clothes and I got the fury of the two bosses at me full barrel for going to court dressed as I did ? stating I cannot do that. I politely pointed that I didn?t work for them any more so I can go dressed as I liked. I also pointed out I did warn them they would regret making me attend ? to which I was ordered out of the building with the with the husband seeming like he would explode, we was so red you could almost feel the heat off his face, it was joyful. I heard from a friend who still worked there at the time that after I left he spent about 10 mins shouting, swearing and calling me a lot of unpleasant names. All this did is make me realise how powerful I could be dressed as I was.
3) We lost our house in mid 2013. This it would turn out, was a major turning point for me in a rather unexpected way. We ended up renting a house in the same town but one in a seemingly nicer area afterwards.
Following the move, we had a large sort out of stuff as you may expect. In this time I started to move away from wearing any male clothes to having more female based wardrobe. Changing items for female versions as needed or if I saw something which inspired me. Keeping to the theory that I should wear female versions of male items. Trousers/Shorts (formal & jeans), Socks, Briefs/Knickers, T-Shirts, work Shirts, Jumpers/Hoodies, Coats, nightclothes, shoes etc. I bought but kept hidden a couple of dresses and skirts because I wanted to have them but knew I could not wear them openly as past a kilt there is no male equivalents. Over the next 3 years this would be a slow but steady change. I felt more confident in myself, happier, more content internally. I went from being a sometimes nasty, angry and rude person to being my old self, calm, logical, collected, considerate and polite. Where I was unbalanced I now started to find parity. I did not hide this from my wife, this was done in full sight of her with an agreement on what I could wear around her/our daughter. I explained how I felt, went over a few things which helped me find this path over the last 5 years to try and give her an understanding of how I was inside. Whilst she held a few reservations she accepted that as she had seen me become nicer person to the one was a few years before and thus it was done with her some what begrudging blessing. If I got something she did not approve of, it could not be worn openly which allowed me a barometric on things. One other thing worth adding here is that I an English, my wife is not. She moved here in the Christmas of 1998 and has remained here since so she has other cultural preconceptions she had to deal with and find a way to overcome in respect of what I was doing and asking.
At work my shirts moved from collared cotton style female shirts to fitted shirts & collared satin shirts/blouses, jumpers changed from male to female but plain, work acceptable ones. I did not hide the changes I was making but I did them slowly over time and in a way as to try not to offend or spook anyone. I also started to wear breast forms with a bra at work because some of the shirts did not hang right and this sculpted the look a little and made me feel better in presenting a more respectable and rounded package in terms of how I looked. I only used C-Cup forms, so they where there, but not exaggerated and felt right for my body shape. I also found a couple of reasonable handbags which I could use given some of the trousers had small or no pockets. Nothing that stood out too far as I may need to carry into a shop if I had to get something on the way home. My male wallet became a female wallet/purse around this time too. I ensured my driving licence was in it just in case someone queried this or suggested I had someone else's purse ? my driving licence and cards would easily show it was mine.
Three years ago we moved again. Money was getting tight from the cost of the rent, and we where offered the chance to move to a brand new flat but we would go from 3 bedrooms to 2, but save over ?200 per month in doing so. We jumped at it and within the space of 5 weeks had moved again to where we are still living as I write this. Because we had to downsize we had to clear out some of our stuff which was no bad thing as we had amassed a lot of junk... Where we had around 4 full sized wardrobes of clothes plus stuff in 3-4 large sets of drawers between us, we had to go to about ? of that. With this, 90% of my remaining male clothes where ditched. I didn?t wear them or need them. I had to kept them ?just in case?. In this cull a few things where kept however, because there would be occasions where a male shirt or t-shirt would be needed or a male coat would cover would be more presentable. But you could put these items into 1 large drawer. Again over time additional culls happened and male clothes got reduced more and then moved from being in drawers to being in suitcases and away from any day-to-day access because they simply weren?t needed any more.
I couple of years ago I also made a decision to tell my brother and sister-in-law what I do/wear and why. They live about a 5 min walk from us and whilst they have seen how I dress I felt it better I explain things to them. This is because they have kids who are growing up and **might** one day ask questions about how I look and in case one day my daughter wanted someone to turn to. They where very understanding of the reasons for it. I would have told my parents at this time too but they both sadly passed away many years before in 1996 and 2000 respectively. I do wish I could have told them face to face but life doesn?t always give us those options.
And now we come to where I am now. I wear exclusively female clothes now. In the last year or my work clothes have expanded to include more traditional female work tops with floral patterns, polka dots, scoop necklines, non-buttoned blouses, lower cut female collared office blouses still with a satin flare as this is something I live the feel off. Jumpers give way to female cardigans at times. It?s worth pointing out that I have never asked permission to do this at work, as I said I made the initial changes slowly and even with the more recent changes I have never had any issues. I have had no complaints (I know of), no-one has ever spoken to or question what I wear or asked me not to wear something.
I have now only one male coat, and 5 female ones ? a couple of them are bomber style ? one is a more padded unisex style, however I also have one which is baby pink, one which has large floral motifs down the front and the other is a floral satin bomber jacket (hardly inconspicuous), the others are general light raincoats and winter coats. My nightclothes moved from satin/cotton Pyjamas to mostly satin nightdresses (although I do have female cotton Pyjamas which are worn before I go to sleep / after my bath/shower each night), and because I know someone will be wondering: yes my wife allows me to wear the nightdresses in bed and no it does not affect our sex life. My bags have expanded to more shoulder bags and standard handbags in various sizes.
My wife and daughter are fully aware of my clothing , nothing is hidden from them ? well except me wearing nightdresses, this is why I keep pyjamas as I use these to cover the nightdress if my daughter is up or about as I feel more comfortable this way. Whilst I am sure she knows I wear them for now, they will remain covered around her for now. I can and do wear bras in the house, with the breast forms in place, this is a change which has come this year ? there is no longer the requirement to remove them at home ? so they go in when I get up & come out when I go for my bath unless we are going out in which case they are removed for that trip and normally put back sometime after we get back.
Now I must stress something very important here: I identify as male in every way. I have no wish to be female (this I will come back to). I do not try and ACT female. I speak like a male in my normal voice, I address people as a male would and I want to be addresses as a male. I am ?mate, sir, pal? etc, I am not ?miss or madam, sweetie, hun?. My hair is somewhere between male and female and offers a balance between the two on how I style it. I do not look in the mirror and hate what I see, other than thinking I need to loose weight.
As stated above, if we go out my wife only asks I do not wear a bra and that I wear t-shirts/shirts which do not scream out as being overly female ? so the neckline or pattern needs to be suitable in her eyes. I couldn?t wear a floral work blouse on an evening out, even if it was covered up for example but I can wear a female collared shirt for example. There are certain coats I cannot wear , I have 3 specific shoulder bags I am allowed to use when out with her which she is happy with ? but again exceptions can be made. I can carry a large shoulder bag if we are at a car-boot sale (flea market) together as that looks like a husband carrying an extra bag for his wife. My shoes generally need to be trainers or ones without any sort of heal on them. My daughter is not quite as restrictive but I keep to a largely similar set of guidelines when I am out with her and my wife is not present. If my daughter does think I have overstepped what she is happy with and change whatever it is so she is happy. When I am out on my own I can and do wear what I want.
The only things I have not worn other than in private when alone are skirts, dresses, tights (pantihose, never got or liked that word) and leggings. Again this is because there are no male equivalents to swap from and to other than a Kilt which really doesn?t count. This now needs to and will change. Despite a number of culls of my clothing over the years, which I do like most people to keep my clothes fresh and decent; I do have a few dresses and 2 full length skirts.Of the dresses a couple of them are long plain summer dresses with strappy shoulders & one is a satin prom dress. These I am looking to get rid of soon they are really impractical in terms of being able to be used/worn. I have over the last month though increased the dresses I have to build up a few casual ones and more formal office style ones to allow me to consider options and ways to move forward with this as well as try and find a way to make them work for me. The only thing dresses cannot have is thin/spaghetti shoulder straps as I don?t like how that looks when you have a bra on underneath and straps show ? I hate it on women, even more so on me, and I cannot get away with wearing a strapless bra as the forms are too heavy and don?t mould themselves into a bra like real breasts do for women. Clear straps I find? somewhat ugly too hence why the summer dresses are looking to be binned.
Now as with a lot of things I have worn, I will often test the water first and to ensure 2 things. 1) I am comfortable in what I have on and 2) I don?t see/get any adverse reactions. Is may involve wearing a low-key variant of what I want or a partial wear where something is partially covered so you cannot see precisely what?s being worn but there is a suggestion of it. So in December 2019, on a few occasions I have worn a couple of midi-dresses to work but had them tucked into my trousers, pulling them out so they look more like tunic tops. One was a blue jacquard design, a couple where black with white polka-dots. None garnered me any complaints or comments at work so on one Friday (which is always casual at work) I tired a grey marl short dress, again tucked into jeans to see how that felt and again no issues and nothing said.
Over Christmas I had to consider my next step and if/how to progress forward. Each time I came to the conclusion that I would need to formally approach my work if I wanted to ?reveal? the dresses and wear them as this is quite a large and unusual thing to do for a man. At work our operations manager (who is male) is a referral point for both general work queries if our own manager is not around or if we have something more business related to discuss ? I.e someone wants to change their hours or hand their notice in etc. He sometimes stays behind after all the other staff have left and is very approachable. In the first week in January (a Wednesday to be precise) I waited for everyone to go and went to see him. Now this is a big thing for me, there is no easy way to do this and it?s very much a ?jump in with both feet and hope you swim? situation. The response was quite positive, obviously the way I dress is out there and whilst Its never been formally discussed , there have been [as far as he knows] no complaints or issues raised over it. His focus is my work and quality of it which is fine, I got glowing feedback in the run up to Christmas from our major client which is good. I have explained why I dress as I do, and that I want to look at wearing dresses but I won?t without their permission as I appreciate this is quite a major step. A few other things came up to which he got honest and open answers because I have nothing to hide here and a lot to gain potentially.
It was suggested I speak to our HR lady regarding this as she can guide me [and the company] over where things stand in terms of any UK laws/rulings over dress code and from there we can jointly consider how to go forward. As I mentioned we are a small company and our HR services are outsourced so it would mean her coming in for a preplanned appointment which he could request. I have explained that, if required, I am happy to explain my intention to all staff via email ? I.e say what I am going to do and why to ensure there are no objections etc. My point being, that this step must done together and in unison if it happens. I also said that whilst I would like to do this as soon as possible I won?t until I have the go ahead from them and they are happy for me to do so ? effectively allowing both sides to consider this fully and properly. This seemed to go down well as it showed respect to the company, the staff and everyone who would have to deal with me dressing like this. As a final couple of points I did stress is as jovial way as I could that I would never wear anything inappropriate so they would never see me in a bikini for example at the same time if we had clients/visitors I would, as I have always done, wear a more subdued set of clothing which would not raise any eyebrows on a casual glance because I would not want to put the company into an awkward situation or have anyone raise questions over how I looked.
The next day I was copied into an email to our HR lady where the manager makes the request for her to come in to discuss this with us and in that email things where said which acknowledged that whilst this was the first opne discussion thtye habe no issues with my choice of clothing thus far and that as long as I complied with their wishes they would not going forward ? but they wanted guidance before anything more is considered. These are very encouraging statements to see and read and as I read them set what I would appear to be a positive tone for what is to come. An appointment was set for the following week for her to come in.
Friday and rest of the week I worn nothing more than I would have been resisting the urge to wear concealed dresses again feeling that for now I should wait and see how things pan out. This continued on the following week. I decided not to wear any partially concealed dresses again as I would rather wait and see what the decision is before I look at them again.
So Thursday comes along the meeting takes about an hour, it starts with me and the HR lady and then the operations manager joins us. The end result is that it is accepted that I ***CAN*** proceed to wear dresses and skirts. It comes down to a few things. 1) There is nothing in law which can stop me. 2) UK law forbids discrimination on the basis of sex, gender, age, gender identity and similar. 3) They have no specific issue with it as long as I maintain a level of decency and my work doesn?t suffer for it.
At the end the HR lady has sent an email to all staff advising them of my intent to do this as of February. This allows people a chance to voice anything they wish too ? good or bad as well as give them time to digest this. It also opens the door for people to be able to approach me if they later wish to. So now I am in the position where I can proceed in a couple of weeks unless something changes in the meantime.
If anyone wants to know how I get on next month let me know and I'll update you if you want
I want to go back to something I said about not acting or wishing to be seen as a female when out in public despite what I wear. I want to expand on this as it?s important in my view and is part of why I often don?t feel comfortable here. If you Google two terms ?Transvestite? and ?Cross-dresser? you get the following definitions ? Transvestite: a person, especially a man, who enjoys dressing as a member of the opposite sex? & ?Cross-Dresser: a person who often wears clothes usually worn by people of the opposite sex?. Whilst I appreciate these terms are not gender specific and apply to men wearing female clothes, as well as women wearing male clothes ? in England and I suspect most western countries ? women wearing male clothes is not seen as anything odd or unusual, they have absolute freedom to wear them if they choose. The opposite is not true, so I will simply look at this from my perspective as a man wearing female clothes going forward. At first these two seem identical but look closely and they are not. The first is the definition of someone who ENJOYS wearing clothes of the opposite sex, the latter is someone of OFTEN wears clothes of the opposite sex.
The definition of a Transvestite to me suggests some sort of gratification, some degree of pleasure being derived from the act of wearing clothes. A lot of my generation and older see a transvestite as someone who dresses for sexual pleasure or because of homosexual tenancies ? the latter of which is often not the case. Think Dr Frank-n-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show and you wouldn?t be far wrong in terms of the preception.
A cross-dresser is someone who often wears clothes, there is no suggestion of enjoyment or gratification there, no undertone to the reason ? they simply do it and do it a lot. There is where I see myself as this clearly matches what I do. You could change the word ?often? to ?always? but the point the clothes are worn normally in the same way as a businessman wears a suit, a doctor wears a long white coat, a diver wears a wet suit or a school child wears their school uniform. It?s everyday clothing which is worn as part of who you are and what you do on a daily basis. So what I wear is an expression of who I am, I see my clothes as an expression of who I am, how I feel, my identity and style. A way to say ? this is me. Yes the clothes are female, yes the look is feminine sometimes subtle, other times not so. I fully understand it?s not what people expect but a majority of people in my experience don?t care. They look, and carry on ? it?s not their concern. Those who stare don?t bother me and tend to be youngsters (mostly but not exclusively males) who would rather have a laugh at your expense in their own little bubble world. But it?s been months and months since I last noticed this happen.
I am also not transgendered, I do not wish to be female. I could not go for gender realignment as there is no realignment to be done. I have male parts, I use them as a male and I intend to keep using them. I have no issue with people who need to have gender realignment ? one of my closest schoolfriends did this about 20 years ago but I have and do wonder if part of the stigma which holds us back comes from there. Some years ago when I was trying to work out why I did what I do and what I wanted out of it I had counselling to try and help, it was I am sorry to say the biggest waste of time ever. The person who was trying to help could not grasp my position any more than I could at the time. They where trying to fit me into one of the boxes they had and I didn?t fit because I do not try and act female nor do I try and pass for or pretend to be female and it was quickly worked out I was not suitable for the ?service? they offered and I was basically abandoned to work it out myself.
So what?s my point. I guess that whilst I see myself as male in every physical and sexual way. Internally I am not fully male, I am mixed ? non-binary is a term you may want to use but not confused inside. The male drives my actions, mannerisms and interests, the female my dress sense, my logic and calms my emotional state. I could never go back to wearing male clothes ? I find the thought abhorrent as I detest male clothes due to a lack of different styles/cuts, materials, colours, patterns and options. Just look at shirts/tops, Male ones are limited to only a few very tightly defined styles, where women have so many you loose count of them and more are added each year to appeal to women to buy them, even if they only have minor refinements or changes. This is why I dress as I do. Freedom of expression, freedom to be me. I am happy, I am content and I have found myself.
I hope that someone reading this will find it inspiring and may have the confidence to take the next step in their journey and add female clothes to their daily wardrobe ? and maybe, just maybe find the balance and peace I have and/or the courage to take this as far as I have been able to.
