The cat is out of the bag ...

So I finally came out and told my wife about my crossdressing. I knew things were going to be bad and had been planning for some time. However it came to a head during an argument on something else. Not ideal but if I didn't tell her when I did I think I would never be able to do so.

It's been a hard few days with lots of tears on both sides and will continue for some time. I've essentially shattered her world and her long term view of our relationship. So many questions running through her head. But worst of all is the deceit from my lying and hiding things from her for the past few years.

I'm lucky in that my crossdressing is at the milder end of the spectrum and won?t progress. Had I dropped a larger bombshell I think that might have been it for us.

Given that she started from the perspective of disgust and horror, at least I now appear to be getting somewhere closer to being able to have a conversation.

Obviously there?s a number of posts with good advice (and a good sticky above). A few things that I thought would be useful to say whilst I'm in the middle of this all for anyone else:

1. Be honest and don?t lie
   
2. Admit the pain you have caused her
   
3. Accept that whilst you have come to an understanding of how you feel (perhaps over some time) she has only just found out. It will take time
   
4. Make sure you are clear in saying exactly what you like doing and how far you want to take everything. Unfortunately my wife didn't appreciate everything I said initially and so we had a second revelation which was like hitting her with a sledgehammer twice. Any changing of details or story will make her question your honesty
   
5. Answer any questions you are asked even if it causes more pain - best to get it out in the open sooner rather than hold back thinking it will wait for another day
   
6. Give her time and space when she asks for it
   
7. Give her reassurance about how you feel about her
   
8. Be positive that it will be ok in the end - I reached a real low point during this. It isn?t a fun place to be. I'm not saying I'm not going to go back there but at the moment, I'm much better than I was a few days ago
   
9. Suggest websites or articles to read to understand
   
10. Consider counseling either for you, her or both. We haven?t tried this yet but it may be helpful

I?m lucky to have the most supportive wife and know that this has rocked her to her core. I don't yet know if we're going to make it and perhaps the timing of doing it whilst in lockdown wasn?t the best idea. However, I knew that I was going to have to tell her at some point.

Hi there. Sorry to hear you have experienced basically what I went through back in the 80?s when my wife first noticed me wearing pantyhose. It did not go well but we are still together. Regardless of your approach, I would give her a little time to process things. If you continue to act more or less your normal self, she can see things do not really need to be all that different now. Pressing to talk about it too much and often may backfire. Take your time and try to be nice. At least that has been my approach. It helps me get out of the dog house faster that way when caught.

Good luck,

Sandi

Very nice advice, Michael.

All of your points are important. However, I particularly like

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#3 Accept that whilst you have come to an understanding of how you feel (perhaps over some time) she has only just found out. It will take time

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Day #365 after the reveal will hopefully be much better than Day #1.

I wish you both well.

There's a little thing in a relationship that's called "TRUST". Once trust is gone, it takes a v-e-r-y l-o-n-g time to get it back, if ever. She's gonna wonder what else have you been hiding from her and lying about.
Good luck, my friend.
Jon

"It came to a head during an argument on something else!" Why the heck did you think it was alright to lay a bombshell on your wife when you were arguing about something else? I don't know what your motivation may have been. IMHO it sure seems like piling on. Were you trying to hurt her?

Michael

I think you should have specifically mentioned the FAB section of this forum.

Which is probably the most valuable resource for women just finding out.

It give them the support from others who have been in there situation.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

"It came to a head during an argument on something else!" Why the heck did you think it was alright to lay a bombshell on your wife when you were arguing about something else? I don't know what your motivation may have been. IMHO it sure seems like piling on. Were you trying to hurt her?

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Maybe the other argument were somehow connected to this issue (maybe that was about hiding things too). Maybe it risulted in them being honest to eachother and Michael took the chance as they were in "the mood of being honest". Obviously he was not trying to hurt her. Coming out is really hard and there is really no "best" time to do it. If everything is ok then "why mess this up" and if you are middle of another argument then "why bring up more issues it's enough". I think this type of procrastination leads to get busted and that's the worse way of all...

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Originally Posted by Tomi

Maybe the other argument were somehow connected to this issue (maybe that was about hiding things too). Maybe it risulted in them being honest to eachother and Michael took the chance as they were in "the mood of being honest". Obviously he was not trying to hurt her. Coming out is really hard and there is really no "best" time to do it. If everything is ok then "why mess this up" and if you are middle of another argument then "why bring up more issues it's enough". I think this type of procrastination leads to get busted and that's the worse way of all...

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The argument was relevant and my wife outright asked me if there was something else. If I hadn't said yes and then gone on to explain she would never have been able to trust me again. Believe me, given the circumstances I would not have told her at that point in time unless I had to.

Looking back I wonder whether I should have told her at the start when I first got the feeling. However I didn't know where it was going to lead and thought that it might just blow over. Once hooked it was then how to bring up and there were other bigger reasons not to.

I had wondered whether I would ever get to the stage of being able to tell her but I'm glad I did.

I think you did good by telling your wife. No wife should be in ignorance of CDing. However the timing is very important in this matter. I think a good advice should be added to your previous list : prepare your coming out and choose your moment to reveal. A quiet moment when your SO is relaxed and when you are able to spend time together.
For the record, I am a GG still struggling with the coming out of her hubby. I empathise with your wife feeling cheated.
Good luck to you both.

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Originally Posted by Sandi Beech

Hi there. Sorry to hear you have experienced basically what I went through back in the 80?s when my wife first noticed me wearing pantyhose. It did not go well but we are still together. Regardless of your approach, I would give her a little time to process things. If you continue to act more or less your normal self, she can see things do not really need to be all that different now. Pressing to talk about it too much and often may backfire. Take your time and try to be nice. At least that has been my approach. It helps me get out of the dog house faster that way when caught.

Good luck,

Sandi

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Thanks Sandi. I'm trying to give her space but also am there to talk when she wants to. We've got over the initial shock and are currently much more settled and normal life continues so she can see me being normal. She's paranoid that when I'm not with her I'm dressing so I've told her I'm not doing anything without telling her and am deliberate holding back.

I'm trying to be as nice as possible and after looking over the edge into the abyss am more confident that we can get through this. I feel terrible for putting her through this.

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Originally Posted by Miel GG

I think you did good by telling your wife. No wife should be in ignorance of CDing. However the timing is very important in this matter. I think a good advice should be added to your previous list : prepare your coming out and choose your moment to reveal. A quiet moment when your SO is relaxed and when you are able to spend time together.
For the record, I am a GG still struggling with the coming out of her hubby. I empathise with your wife feeling cheated.
Good luck to you both.

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Thanks Miel.

Lying to her was the hardest thing about all of this and I always knew that this was the ultimate betrayal of her trust. She means the world to me and this is only a small part of who I am. However, understandably, this is all she can think of.

The problem for me was finding the right time. There was never the right time. We've been through various issues over the past few years with health, jobs, family, friends and other issues getting in the way. We seemed to stagger from one problem to the next and it didn't seem fair for me to disrupt any quiet time with this bombshell. I also knew though that the longer it went on, the harder the betrayal.

The guilt of carrying this secret and knowing that I've been lying has been horrible. I just hope she understands that I didn't do it because I wanted to lie and be deceitful but to protect her until I was ready to talk about it.

Best of luck to you in coming to terms with your husband.

Presumably time helps?

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Originally Posted by Shelly Preston

Michael

I think you should have specifically mentioned the FAB section of this forum.

Which is probably the most valuable resource for women just finding out.

It give them the support from others who have been in there situation.

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Thanks Shelly.

I know I probably should but am not sure if she's ready for it. Besides, seeing how some people have progressed further may make her more concerned and worried than she needs to be.

Certain clothes may be ok but one of her deepest fears is that it progresses in the future. This seemingly came out of the blue although I can see roots in my childhood and the fact that I've supressed these thoughts for so many years. However, she is concerned about what will happen in 10, 20, 30 years.

I'm pretty confident that things won't change. I think I know what I like/want. But she can't understand that I know that.

Michael, I hope long term everything works out for you.

It's good you told her. I hope everything works out for you.

I am very glad you told her it might be tough for a bit but in the long run it is much much better than her finding out in another way. Like others said the timing might be dicey but it is done. Just be honest and do not make compromises you can not keep ( like I will stop) as you might be able to for awhile but not forever.
Make her realize you are the same person she lives with and loves. Only difference is she knows the secret you were afraid to say out loud.
As Shelly said we have a Fab section that is only for a GGs where she is free to say and ask anything.
Best Wishes to you both,

MichaelM,
So much I could say but will agree with Di , don't make promises you can't keep . Also take care in suggesting it won't go any further , I came out to my wife in my forties like you and now in my sixties I'm separated and living full time .

We are all different but you may have to accept now you've come out it can go either way , I realise looking back that the damage was done when I told her . Try not to too hung up on the lies and deceit angle , I know what a tough choice it is , I'd almost ceased to function so my wife knew I was unhappy, OK the revelation wasn't quite what she expected .

I hope it does work out for you but I will add the alternative doesn't mean the World comes to an end , for me it's actually working out better for everyone rather than trying to hold a marriage together and walk on eggshells .

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Originally Posted by MichaelM

If I hadn't said yes and then gone on to explain she would never have been able to trust me again.

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Oh there are going to be trust issues , I have been in her shoes .

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Originally Posted by MichaelM

Looking back I wonder whether I should have told her at the start when I first got the feeling.

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Would have been helpful yes .

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Originally Posted by MichaelM

However I didn't know where it was going to lead and thought that it might just blow over. Once hooked it was then how to bring up and there were other bigger reasons not to.

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Doesnt matter , I get so worn of people using this an an excuse , next she will be vilified if she doesn't fall right in line . This is actually a big thing .

There’s a very good lesson here, and that’s do NOT come out in the middle of an argument, because you are immediately associating it with negative emotions.

I feel like there’s more to this story, but I’m not pressing for details. good luck in dealing with the fallout.

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Di's comment, "Make her realize you are the same person she lives with and loves. Only difference is she knows the secret you were afraid to say out loud." Spot on!

I hope everything works out for you MichealM. Coming out in the middle of an argument isn't the best way, but at least it is out there now. Good luck.

May I ask how long have you been crossdressing, Michael? And how long were you preparing to tell her?

11. Don't ever enter a serious relationship again without sharing this about yourself.

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Originally Posted by Di

I am very glad you told her it might be tough for a bit but in the long run it is much much better than her finding out in another way. Like others said the timing might be dicey but it is done. Just be honest and do not make compromises you can not keep ( like I will stop) as you might be able to for awhile but not forever.
Make her realize you are the same person she lives with and loves. Only difference is she knows the secret you were afraid to say out loud.
As Shelly said we have a Fab section that is only for a GGs where she is free to say and ask anything.
Best Wishes to you both,

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Thanks Di.

Yes, the timing was dicey but when asked outright ? I couldn't lie as it would make things even worse. I had decided I was going to tell her previously but I knew that this was going to shatter her world so put it off a few days whilst we continued to argue.

Honesty is the best policy even if I haven't been able to give her the answers that she wants.

I think I'm lucky in that having had time to find out how I feel about it and also some therapy, I am pretty certain (as much as anyone can be) what my limits are and that it won't progress. I won't go too much into detail but suffice to say it is linked to growing up. As I didn't fully dress when growing up, it isn't going to start now and I've had long enough to work out what CDing I want to do (and not want).

I absolutely agree that making her see that I'm still the same person that she lives with and loves makes a difference. For me, CDing is not the be all and end all. It doesn't define me nor should it define our relationship.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

MichaelM,
So much I could say but will agree with Di , don't make promises you can't keep . Also take care in suggesting it won't go any further , I came out to my wife in my forties like you and now in my sixties I'm separated and living full time .

We are all different but you may have to accept now you've come out it can go either way , I realise looking back that the damage was done when I told her . Try not to too hung up on the lies and deceit angle , I know what a tough choice it is , I'd almost ceased to function so my wife knew I was unhappy, OK the revelation wasn't quite what she expected .

I hope it does work out for you but I will add the alternative doesn't mean the World comes to an end , for me it's actually working out better for everyone rather than trying to hold a marriage together and walk on eggshells .

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Teresa - Thanks. Glad to hear that it's worked out for you.

As above, I really believe it won't go further for various reasons but I have admitted that nothing is set in stone. All I can continue to be is honest about how I'm feeling.

The hardest thing for me through this is finally having the burden of carrying around a secret for most of my life. I feel closer to my wife now that I've shared this yet she feels distant. Whilst it has been hard emotionally, I know that it was the right thing to do.

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Originally Posted by Dutchess

Oh there are going to be trust issues , I have been in her shoes .



Would have been helpful yes .


Doesnt matter , I get so worn of people using this an an excuse , next she will be vilified if she doesn't fall right in line . This is actually a big thing .

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Duchess -

I am still torn about whether I should have told her about how I was feeling when the urge to CD first (re)appeared. From her perspective, yes. But then I think she would have been more concerned as she would have lots of unanswered questions. The benefit of me doing this behind her back was that I got my head round what I was doing and why. Also, genuinely, there were lots of things going on in our lives that this would have just made everything that much worse. Looking back, I can see that one of my ways of dealing with stress is to CD which started in my childhood. I had blocked it out for most of my life in between but things were so bad for both of us that CDing came back unexpectedly into my life.

I am trying to be as sympathetic to my wife and her feelings as I can be. The last thing I want to do is criticise her for her response to something that was my doing. I've moved the goalposts in our marriage. I'm the one who has changed and I've had some time to get my head round it. I hope that she can get her head round it but I certainly won't be vilifying her if she doesn't wholeheartedly agree.

Further, I know that she isn't speaking to anyone about this at the moment which is making it harder for her. I feel sorry for any GG who finds out this kind of news as there's no way to make the news any more palatable.

At least in my case, my CDing is on the mild side compared to others. I can't imagine how GG deal with their partner/spouse saying they want to go further.

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Originally Posted by Micki_Finn

There?s a very good lesson here, and that?s do NOT come out in the middle of an argument, because you are immediately associating it with negative emotions.

I feel like there?s more to this story, but I?m not pressing for details. good luck in dealing with the fallout.

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Thanks Micki. There's a fair bit here indeed. The argument was kind of related and it led to her asking directly so I had to confess. I had been planning to talk to her about it on that day and indirectly the argument was one way for me to test the waters. I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride.

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Originally Posted by Jenny22

Di's comment, "Make her realize you are the same person she lives with and loves. Only difference is she knows the secret you were afraid to say out loud." Spot on!

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Jenny. Absolutely. I think this is the point for me. In most if not all ways, I'm still the same person.

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Originally Posted by confused_cathreen

May I ask how long have you been crossdressing, Michael? And how long were you preparing to tell her?

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You can indeed.

From an early age, maybe aged 6 through to late teens there were various episodes. Nothing regular.
Nothing for 20 or so years. I think I repressed the memories and didn't want to think about. Something I most certainly didn't want to raise with a girlfriend, fianc? and then wife.
It's only recently come back into my life and I've spent the past few years trying to make sense of it.

Preparing - for around 18 months. I prepared a letter to send her. Partly in case she ever found out by mistake so I could explain everything in full and honestly. I also wanted to show her that whilst I was being deceitful, I didn't like doing so and wanted to show that I was thinking of telling her much sooner.

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Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly

11. Don't ever enter a serious relationship again without sharing this about yourself.

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Aunt Kelly - thanks. Good advice. Unfortunately I didn't realise this was a part of me so there was nothing to share initially. Whilst it was something I did when I was younger at stages, it was never for long and it wasn't a part of my life. I didn't realise the attachment it held for me though and managed to repress it for decades. It's only come out in the last few years.