DADT boil over / need your advice

Hi,
I am mainly a lurker here but haven't been around in a while. This seemed like the best place to ask

I am in a basically DADT (it's very complicated) with my girlfriend of almost 20 years. We own a home together.
She has known of my dressing from the beginning. We have dressed together in the past, mostly for nighttime, watching TV, sex, sleep...
I don't go out dressed and I don't desire to, I live in a small town and come from a large family. :)

Long story short...she was drunk (I am sober 5 years) we got into an argument about something, she went and grabbed my stash. She knows where it is, I just put it away in case of family/company

She threw all of my stuff around, video with her phone...bagged it all up and put it in her car threatening to go to my friends and show them. And post the video on facebook

She has since put my stuff back but has said nothing about the video, I'm sure she still has it.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home

I was just wondering if any of you had a similar experience
I would be grateful for any guidance

thank you
J

Janica,

I try not to give advice on topics like this since I would not want to steer someone in the wrong direction. But for the sake of all, I think it would help if we knew more about your overall relationship. There is not enough info to tell if it is really about drinking, or dressing, or something else.

If it continues, you might want professional guidance as our advice is very limited in usefulness.

Good luck to you.

Sandi

well now its way more complicated......she has nothing or she has everything, she new and accepted, it started as a sex game and grew out of control, you did it for the great sex.

all plausible answers if she causes a stir....but i think the best is to have a conversation with her and ask what she did or plans to do with the video.....does she have others with you dressed,

its a matter of trust and it should go both ways....ask if she would like a video of her drunk and acting out and you threatening to do the same......you both need to feel safe in your own home.

people argue, thats why we have make up s_x....my opinion.....hope it helps

I agree with Sandi - more information is necessary to be able to bring clarity to the situation. However, In my personal experience (and perhaps yours as well) I have noted that things get way out of hand when alcohol is involved. maybe that's the first thing to investigate.

IMHO
I would calmly talk to her about this and ask her to delete the video. You are being respectful and abiding with her feeling on it. ( DADT) This might open up her real feelings.
Want to add
You are doing nothing wrong, so what you sometimes wear female clothing.
So what.
Would your friends and family really turn on you for it?
If so that would speak more on their character then yours.

I wrote my opinion from the little information provided.

Your gf was drunk. She acted irrationally. It happens.
Should she get drunk, it will happen again.
Try to persuade her to join you as a recovering alcoholic.

I am no expert by all means. But a lot of times when you mix alcohol with emotions you sometime find out what the other person really thinks regardless of what they told you. Hope I am wrong but who is to say it will not happen again.

Sorry this is just my opinion.

Reverse the husband and wife in this scenario and everyone would say it is clear cut abuse. And it is abuse.

Hi Janica, you did nothing wrong and clearly need to have a calm conversation with your wife. My first question would be why she feels the need to out your, or at least threaten to do so. Something seems to have ignited this reaction, it seems like retaliation for something else other than the dressing.

Angela, so far nobody said it wasn't abuse.

What a mess you have. 20 year gf and not married? most women i know want to be married. You think that has something to do with the explosion?

Calmly ask her to delete the video while you watch her doing so. If she isn't agreeable to that, flat out swipe her phone while she's otherwise busy (sleeping, in the shower, etc.) and delete it yourself. Yes, my advice is brash but her threats are much worse. She has absolutely no good reason to hold you hostage like this. Also, address her drinking issues as something similar is certain to happen at some future time and the cycle will repeat itself.

Definitely been there. Married for five years, had dated for two before that. Wife discovered my crossdressing; initially confused, we went to a therapist for three years, during which she appeared to initially try to accept it, even buying me some girl clothes and taking pictures of me dressed as a girl. Over time, she was directed towards crossdresser wife support groups as well as Al-anon (her mom was an alcoholic), and both gave her information which put me in a very bad light; that she was repeating her enabling behavior that started with her mom, to now with my crossdressing. She was told at these meetings that she should go to meetings as often as she felt she needed to, and she did; almost every day. She would later blame me for that, saying that I was distant and unwilling to discuss things with her (I was working full time and going to school full time, so, no time for much else), then accusing me of trying to get her to stop going to meetings, when all I had said, was that perhaps every day was a bit much; she responded, 'So, you're telling me not to go to my meetings; they said you would try that'. When I told the therapist, she agreed that my wife was isolating herself from me, her friends and family; that backfired; now she saw the therapist as an enemy, too. As more of the people in her groups told her that what I was doing was abusive, her anger grew, to the point where she hated me. Then the 'bomb' dropped; she wanted a divorce, and threatened to tell my family, friends, co-workers about my crossdressing, and provide pictures as well as proof. OR..... I could pay for the divorce, give her the house, and all of our assets, as well as take on all the debt.

I just gave up and gave her what she wanted. AFAIK, she kept her end of the bargain and never told anyone about me. But it was always in the back of my mind that she track me down, and try to blackmail me for more money.

As I'm now retired in another state, and have been careful to avoid any contact, I 'sort of' feel safe. But I know it's still possible that a felon will repeat her crimes, once they have done so before.

Be careful. Prepare for the worst. You could one day come home to all your girl things on the front lawn, the door locks changed, your bank accounts drained, her having a restraining order drawn up by simply accusing you of physical abuse, credit cards all cancelled, even your car towed away if she reports it stolen. A woman disappointed, can be a very cruel thing. If you have some place to stow away a change of clothes, somewhere to put away some emergency cash, I would do that.

She is in full control now; you're just along for the ride.

Let's see: 1. You're familar with alcoholic behavior, 2. you have a house but not a marriage.

Forget CD for a moment,

what does she have? -- a house after 20 yrs is zip, nada, zilch

Why is she drinking to oblivion? -- does she love you, or is this just a business relationship? Any children? if not, where is the future.

Have you ever proposed marriage?-- If not, why not? Not some baloney reason, but the real reason.

Without that info, we can't advise with anything that will help.

janica,

like others have said - without more knowledge of your situation, it's hard to give any meaningful advice and what I'm about to say might be the absolute worst thing you could do.
Still - I'll throw it out there.

I've been in a (somewhat) similar situation in the past, but I've found that I don't respond well to blackmail.
My response was "Go ahead."

She did.

*I* didn't lose any friends over it, but she did. I just held my head up and carried on as usual. Life went on - just without her, which in the long run was an definite improvement.



Others have threatened me with "telling" whatever secret they think they have. I've learned to do a few things when this happens:
1. I Do NOT submit.
If whatever it is can be used to control you, they own you - possibly forever!

2. This will seem funny, but I "beat them the the punch" - sorta.
For (fictional) example, "Jenny is demanding a new mink coat and if I don't give it to her, she says she's going to tell everyone that I dress up like Marilyn Monroe."
To answer the inevitable "Well, do you?" I could smile and say something like "if she asks," or "I prefer to keep our sex lives private, " or some other not-quite answer.
Sure, it's painting her in a bad light, but it's a light she turned on herself. And like I said - I don't respond well to blackmail.

3. I pretty much write that person off. If I can't trust them, I can't be around them.
I know that your situation is complicated and you can't do this, but does she have any idea of how badly she has betrayed your trust and the damage she has done to the relationship?

I'll say it again, I'm NOT advising you do do anything like this. It's just another perspective I thought I'd share. Feel free to ignore everything I said.

Hopefully, she'll just delete the video and apologize for her behavior and everything will be OK again.

Out of control behavior while drunk is warning sign. Pay attention.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulie Birmingham

What a mess you have. 20 year gf and not married? most women i know want to be married. You think that has something to do with the explosion?

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I'm with heather, too a large degree. The video has to go whatever else happens. Trust is at the heart of any long term relationship. Hopefully just your partner had a bad day and too much alcohol. Does not mean it has to ever happen again, unless you know better. After 20 years you surely know better than us the reason for her actions and what is best. Hope you sort it with a hug. Loving partners are not two a penny.

Seems her acceptance has some deeper issues.
You should really sit down and talk about this.

"I feel like a prisoner in my own home."

You are! Your girlfriend has weaponized your cross dressing to use against you. It would be helpful to explain what the "argument about something" means. Several years ago you posted you were alone after coming out of a long time relationship. Correct to assume it was the same woman? Alcohol tends to fuel bad behavior. Obviously, she needs therapy for her drinking. However, I am guessing there is an underlying issue here.

Decades ago my wife, during the time of "The Talk",threatened to tell everyone about my cross dressing if I ever wanted a divorce. She was more concerned my cross dressing would take me away from her in some manner. Her grandmother had been married five time; her mother twice divorced. She was determined to break the cycle. She did apologize for making the threat; no matter how bizarre it seemed. Still, after fifty plus years of marriage, that still sticks in my head. That was the only time she "weaponized" my cross dressing. But, it hurt.

As "sometimes miss" at #12 indicated, things could get nasty.

Janica, u need to talk with your GF about this. U have nothing to lose and much to gain by that!:thumbsup:

Years ago my ex threatened to use my dressing against me in divorce court. I told her I would bring up her dalliances with her girlfriends to the judge. That shut her up!:devil:

Get your paperwork and finances in order immediately. This is going to end badly. You are not married, so you can't have a pre-nuptual agreement (something everyone who is married should have), but I hope you have some kind of legal marriage-like domestic partner type contract with her that will protect your money and assets. If the house is in both your names, you may lose it, same with joint bank accounts and other property. You might want to even consider consulting a lawyer. If she doesn't leave, you need to.

This is absolutely abuse. I can't see how anyone can view it differently.

Janica

Getting drunk may have clouded her judgement so you need to sit down and have a calm conversation. Holding the video over your head is not good.

20 years together is a long time. Being together that long must seem like a marriage, just without the formality of a piece of paper.

This wont be solved overnight, but I hope with talking with each other you and you GF manage to come to a happy conclusion.

Just be careful not to make promises you can keep.

You two need to talk. The video needs to go way, if it doesn't she needs to go away. Tell her to go ahead and post it! You can tell everyone she was drunk off her butt and you have no idea why she was throwing her clothing around, raving like a lunatic! I am certain the video does not show her in one of her better frames of mind and is at least as equally bad for her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Janica

I am in a basically DADT (it's very complicated) with my girlfriend of almost 20 years.... She has known of my dressing from the beginning.

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Horrible situation, Janica. One thing for certain is that she's never truly accepted it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

Then the 'bomb' dropped; she wanted a divorce, and threatened to tell my family, friends, co-workers about my crossdressing, and provide pictures as well as proof. OR..... I could pay for the divorce, give her the house, and all of our assets, as well as take on all the debt.... I just gave up and gave her what she wanted. AFAIK, she kept her end of the bargain and never told anyone about me. But it was always in the back of my mind that she track me down, and try to blackmail me for more money.

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Wow, sometimes_miss. I believe that the threat of the nightmare scenario you endured is exactly the thing that keeps most of the DADT relationships in check and prevents CD'ing from going further: the issue of money. At least it's (somewhat) behind you, but clearly the trauma lingers if further threats remain in the back of your mind.

If everything the OP says is true and there was no serious catalyst (besides alcohol) to trigger Janica's SO's behavior, sometimes it's just better to fess up and consider an exit strategy. I have never been able to wrap my head around the continuance of a relationship that simply has little chance of ever becoming a positive one. If I have to pay/lose money to get out, I'm simply saving my priceless sanity and precious time on this planet. Remember that "peace" with a gun held to your head isn't peace, it's being held hostage and a clear indicator that a state of war exists.

I'm not an angry person or violent but for me I would throw her stuff on the the lawn. I would not let anyone have that much control of my life, being outted or not. Not enough info, but I personally would not tolerate that. My ex wife did that exact same thing to me, 20 years together and 10 years married, I was doing some stupid things and she told my parents, my friends, called the cops on me and then 1 day I packed my clothes and left. My peace of mind is more important to me. After all was said and done my family understood and my friends are still my friends.

If you are 5 years sober, and she did this in an alcohol fueled rage, then I think you probably already realize that she's got a problem of her own, and your crossdressing is just a convenient target so that she can avoid coming to terms with it.

You need to talk to her when you are both sober. She needs help and she needs to face her own issues. If she is willing to try, and you are willing to help her, then you are kind, and there is hope for her.

If she is not willing to at least try, then you have a serious decision to make, to protect your own freedom, safety, and happiness.