My story/ suggestions

Sorry for the length
My wife and I will be married 36 years in January. When we were dating I discussed my crossdressing with her. One time in a hotel she dressed me in her work clothes she was going to wear the next morning. We did not talk about it much after that. Then while living in our first townhouse I bought a pair of pumps from the Kmart. She knew about them the day I brought them home, she asked "Did you try them on in the store." I said yes. She never encouraged me to dress and again it was one of those things we did not talk about. She had a very cute nightgown that I bought her. She would occasionally rub it against my skin. I loved that, but again much under the radar I would dress and would be totally alone. I dressed on and off after that. Have gotten caught in the pink fog many many times. Have purged just as many and started back again. I had taken a trip for work about maybe 5 or more years ago. During that time I went out dressed for my first time. When I got back home I told her about that. She was upset that I went out and told me I could not do that. Then as typical nothing was mentiioned any further. Fast forward to present. She has developed some overly conservative view points. She also has a friend that is uber conservative. She often will be watching a TV show and see someone and ask it that a Boy or Girl. This has started my fear, because last October I picked back up again. I had a wonderful weekend away last week. I stayed in a hotel and dressed daily. I even ventured out again. I also have been feeling guilty over this since then. I will start to think about how wonderful that weekend was and then become striken with guilt and become tearful. I am afraid to bring things back up to her again. Afraid that this time she will be mean to me, or tell me she will not allow this. I want to tell her because again I just don't want to hide this from her, and I am so tired of being so in the dark all of the time. I am not asking for acceptance, just again for her to be aware so I dont feel like I am sneaking around.

Hi Jenni, this is the problem of not discussing boundaries beforehand with your wife. She'll never know what your next move can be and you'll never know if she will be ok or get angry about it. Going out is a big step up and my wife would be furious if I did it without telling her first. You seem to be lucky since yours didn't run up the hills nor file for divorce at this point. Maybe she is conservative and maybe that is a reason why she may not willingly talk about it, but still, what you describe from your relationship gives serious hints of acceptance. You should not waste this precious gift from your wife by being dishonest with her. Whether you want to confess your outings to her is your choice, but if you want to move on in a sane way you will probably need to. Without honesty it will be hard to discuss needs, boundaries and the rest. Good luck to you two.

My wife likes to point out that men can never be women.

My advice is to ignore Diane's advice.

You've told your wife who you are. She doesn't approve. You haven't been dishonest with her. Her boundaries are "don't do it". You do it because you like dressing and going out and because it makes you feel good.

My advice is to go out when you can and don't tell her. The advice columnist Dan Savage says people should be allowed actions in a marriage that allows them to stay married and stay sane. His advice generally concerns extramarital affairs where the spouse refuses to have sex, but the same advice applies here. You want to stay married and stay sane. The solution is to go out dressed, don't tell your wife, and don't feel guilty about not telling her. She is never going to accept this.

What she doesn't know can't hurt her. She will benefit because you are happier.

Go out, don't tell, don't feel guilty.

Here's one example of Savage's advice: https://www.thestranger.com/slog/201...b19bafcb23c91o

I do not think there is anything more to discuss. You admitted she will probably ban everything the next time you talk so slide into a DADT arrangement. Probably best for both of you and ditch the guilt. You have upfront with her way more than a lot of use here, way way more than I have for sure. So move forward and start enjoying your enfemme time.

It sounds to me like your arrangement is already DADT. Perhaps by bringing it up, you are just aggravating the situation. You may want your arrangement to be open and honest, but it appears at least from what you say here she does not. Knowing this, can you accept DADT - knowing at the same time that although you are not telling her, she also doesn't wish to know - so are you really being sneaky?

Hi Jenni, great to read a little about yourself!
Thanks for sharing!
About advice here on CD.com.... take it all with a grain of salt!
You really know your own situation and in your heart, you know what you can do, what you should do, and what would be best, in your situation.
Now having said that.....
I also agree with Sun-dee and Karen as I am in pretty much the same situation.
I know if she knew everything, she would not approve and she would get deeply depressed as she has some issues mentally.
You have to be allowed to have some personal freedoms in a relationship.
But it shouldn't be abused as a selfish endeavor as you want to be feminine whenever you want, at any cost!
I allow my wife to go all over the country by herself without following her or checking up on every situation, it's her "personal" freedom as she is independent.
And the opposite is also true as when she is gone, I feminize and enjoy my girly friends and lifestyle.
As long as you are "Husband First" for her whenever she needs you, leave your feminine side awaiting the next adventure.
We all are NOT getting any younger, time to enjoy some passions...you sure deserve it after 36 years of sacrificing those desires!!!! :iagree:

HiddenMe, this subtle distinction between not telling and being dishonest has been used at length in these forums to justify all kinds of lies and hiding. As was this famous classic that you quoted: "what you don't know can't hurt you", which has a proven track record of enabling legions of cheating SOs to be at peace with their conscience. No, Jenni's wife's boundaries are not "don't do it". They are "don't do certain things". Maybe if they had been discussed first then they could have been allowed. Or maybe not. But you don't know that anyway, since you don't know Jenni's wife. So I'm not sure how you can say things like "she's never going to accept this".

Karen, the "ban" you are alluding to, is I suppose the simple boundaries that some couples put in place, right? Because, when you set boundaries, the other party may not be the only one yielding stuff (which is something some CDers still don't understand). The fear of being told by wifey to stop doing certain things is a frequent reason for members here to advocate against discussing boundaries. However, judging by many useful reads on these forums, not discussing boundaries seems a good recipe for disaster too. YMMV.

Kris, I read Jenni's post once more, and have yet to see where she mentions that her wife did not want the arrangement to be open and honest.

You seem all three to be considering this is DADT, but that remains to be seen. Jenni's wife seems pretty tolerant in my book. They're still together after several mishaps from her CDer husband. About not talking, well, no, and far from it. Jenni just mentions that her wife, after an incident, gives her opinion, and the matter isn't discussed "much" afterwards. So, how many is "much" exactly? And does it have to be the wife's fault if little to no further discussion happens? Because if I was her wife, I COULD be waiting for Jenni to bring it up again, not me. And since Jenni doesn't, I may be suspecting she's uneasy with the subject. And, as much as I am dying to, I may stop addressing it to not embarrass her. And then I may be suspected on some forums to not want to have an open and honest discussion with my husband. That would be rich.

Anyway, Jenni's wife may not talk "much" but she still says things. Like she doesn't want Jenni going out. So when doing it again, Jenni knows she's doing something her wife disagrees with. It is her decision to keep doing it without her wife knowing, or to be honest and start discussing boundaries.

Jenni, by the way, welcome to the forums. I see that you have 3 posts. When you have 10, you will be able to follow this link to a sticky from the Loved Ones section : https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...rom-a-GG-s-POV
It will probably answer a few questions you have, and it's written by genetic women (even my wife contributed!).

You will obviously get more answers telling you to go with your needs and ignore your wife's (and hopefully some more balanced, too). I won't answer further, and as you suspected, the choice is yours, since only you will face the consequences whether you follow one path or the other. Again, good luck.

Ok back to the OP no more back and forth between members .
If you gave your opinion MOVE ON.
Back to the OP Welcome
I made your own post as no one could give you input in someone else post. It deserves its own attention.
You say you told her in the beginning, but did you really explain. I think not.
Her comments sounds like she does little digs to keep you in check.
The ball is in your court really either explain totally , or keep living like this . As others have said you know her best .
But I fear a difficult road ahead the hiding and probably getting caught eventually. Every GG I ever knew said that was what they could not get over more than cding.
Best Wishes
P . S.
there is a ask a GG thread where you can get the GGs input ( in sticky in m2f section)

Jenni, you have a nice dilemma on your hands. One the one hand, your spouse knows you like to dress and has caught you in the pink fog many many times. She has not threatened to leave or lowered the boom on your 'peculiar pastime,' but it sounds like she would prefer it just went away. I understand your concern more in her very conservative friends. While not talking about you, the trans subject does come up, along with a host of misinformation and misunderstandings. Diane is right about keeping up the communication, if nothing else then to keep her aware of where you stand for yourself.

As far as being completely open and honest, isn't it a question of who it benefits and why? If it is to relieve you of guilt or shame, that is on you, if you need to bare all for your well-being. I would ask why you would continue doing something if it causes you great guilt or shame? It may not be so much a matter of what you do dressed, but if you are violating a trust.

Through it all, though, it is obvious that you care about her feelings, and she does about your desires (to some degree) as well.

Read Di’s post. Then read it agin and then once more and take notes. You are at a fork in the road. What happens next is very dependent on what you do next. Please, do not let anyone’s advice based on what you stated or implied in the original post lead you astray.

As some have said, communicate! Don’t second guess what she is going to say or think she will be “mean” to you. A 36 year marriage means you are mature adults who are in serious need of having a truthful conversation. Tell her what you want, tell her how you plan to go about it, and mean what you say. Do not sneak around or intend to take anything further that what was discussed. If you don’t care about your marriage, then don’t follow advice other than full disclosure.

That doesn’t mean that you are asking “permission” but mutual respect starts with communication. You may find that lack of trust from a spouse is hard to gain back.

Hi Jenni glad you are here. You are in a tough situation to be sure. The good thing is there is ALWAYS a solution. I don't believe it is my job to instruct you how to handle your situation. However, I will share with you my experience.
In my case I believed it best to tell my wife and so I did. She was surprised, but not disgusted with me or nasty towards me. She was glad I trusted her enough to talk wiht her about my feminine side.

Even if my wife had reacted negatively, I still believe being honest with her was the correct path to take. When my wife had access to all the information she was able to make choices acceptable to her.

I so appreciate all of the suggestions everyone has made so far. I am more uneasy living with not discussing this again with her than just DADT. That is really why I put this out here in the first place. I wanted to hear even the most difficult suggestions. I may not have provided enough disclosure in the original story. Our communication has never been that great. Marriage is a two way street and communication is the pavement that leads us down that road. Lack of communication equates to internal infrastructure damage. No one knows better than I do (we) do how our lack of communication has harmed our relationship. I am willing to accept my stuff. My fear of rejection seems a bit larger in this situation than ever before. When I said things got swept under the rug, I did not mention how I have always tried to bring the conversation back around. I also did not mention that at times she has selective memory. This is certainly not her fault. As she has grown she has become more intolerant of differences in the world she lives in. It is not my place to shape her behavior, I share my knowledge and 20 years of work in this area and let her be. I think in every stage of a marriage certain things have to be revisited so that our truths remain out in the open. I don't want to appear defensive. My guilt and shame really has had nothing to do with the act of crossdressing. I have worked those demons out. I am comfortable with my en-femme persona. I feel guilt not sharing this with her and not really advocating for myself well enough to speak. My fear has taken over, but not so much so that I will not have a conversation with her regarding this. I don't necessarily have to venture out while dressed. I just want her to know that I need personal opportunities to explore my feminine side and to feel safe doing so. I simply may be assuming the worst. By doing that I am not allowing her the trust that she deserves from all the years we have been with each other. I know that not telling her again and really discussing this openly will turn out bad. I have heard examples of this with other CD's that have not told their spouse and the betrayal that they have felt. That is inappropriate and I don't want to do that. I just have to manage my relationship with fear. Which I am so aware has a huge impact over my life. Being someone who began doing this at such an early age, in the middle 70's everything we did was hidden. I have been beaten up by peers because of certain things I have worn or interest I have shown. That is my cognitive dissonance and my dilemma. Hopefully you kind folks will keep the suggestions coming as I muster my bravery once again to discuss things with my spouse.

I kept things hidden for a very long time.
Finally it got to the point where I could not keep it from her any longer and told her we had a problem and needed to talk about it. I was so stressed at that point that I knew I had to present it and accept whatever happened, be it divorce or acceptance. I was lucky.

For what it's worth and I understand it's hard to accept but the fact is you have no control over anyone's response to reality. Expect the worse case scenario and be prepared to accept it. At the very least ask if she's open to discuss it.

Jenni, it seems to me u have reached a critical point in your marriage and your life!:straightface:

I'm 78 and have been married and divorced. And, NOT because of Sherry!:thumbsdn:

I don't think we can help u here. But, a qualified professional could! Find an experienced gender therapist. Go see her, (many CD experienced r women, mine was), and tell your wife what u r doing and why. Then, u and your licensed advisor can discuss your options. Which may include your wife attending if she's up to going with u.

It's your life. Don't go out wondering, what if?, or with any regrets!:doh:

Agreed. We have a PFLAG Chapter her with resources. So I plan to contact them.

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Originally Posted by Jenni6521

Agreed. We have a PFLAG Chapter her with resources. So I plan to contact them.

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That is a great idea.
They can help guide you through this.
And with their help get your wife to understand, it really does not have to be a big deal, you are not asking for much .
If one day you get to a point where you both come to an understanding we have a FAB forum here she can talk to other GGs.
Wishing you the best .

Jenni, I told my wife before we were married and she is accepting. Have you ever sat her down and discussed your needs? Do you think here conservative view points are in response to your dressing?

I think many people seek advice only from sources that will concur with their viewpoint. If a wife is not appreciative of her husband's cross dressing, where will she go for advice? Does she choose to go to a knowledgeable counselor? Or, to someone who will affirm her stance? When I read or hear the term "conservative values" my mind immediately goes to negativity towards gays and lesbians, transgender men and women, and cross dressing men. I'm sure they are not sitting around debating whether to wear a conservative business navy blue skirt and white blouse over a micro-mini dress with fishnet hosiery. I'm sure she is getting a one sided opinion and an incorrect opinion of what cross dressing is all about. In the end, will those people control the narrative?

If a wife does not want to discuss her husband's cross dressing, then what's the husband suppose to do? He has to make choices. He has to bear the consequences. However, there are also consequences for the wife. Society seems to be so polarized on any issue that there seems to be no desire for a middle ground. Even if boundaries are not explicitly stated a husband should know his wife well enough to figure out what her limits may be. Hotel room, OK. Night club, not OK.

Respect works both ways. It is not a one way street.

Not to be a doomsayer, I'd get my finances in order and consider starting an emergency fund on the side. You don't make the future sound good. Only you know how you got together with this person and how you can continue to make it work. Good luck.