This is so overwhelming.

Hello everyone.

First, I want to say how much I have enjoyed some of your stories that you all have shared. I just became a member the other day in hopes of being able to make a few friends and to finally find a common ground.

I am about as new to this...need...as I can be. Everything is new to me. I was reading a section in here called first times or first items purchased and i loved it. Although if i were to mm post here my first times would all be within the last week...and i am totally freaked out. I had to google some of the acronyms just to be able to understand the CD lingo. Like...GG...in my world that has always been Good Game...but that didnt work in the context...after scrolling through about 50 different uses i found that genetic girl seemed to be the winner. Everyone here seems to be so amazing...sharing ideas and experiences. I have been really struggling with myself trying to understand why the hell i feel like I need to do this...and why i love it each step forward i take.

YouTube videos...on makeup...leading me to the makeup isle last night...looking for orange lipstick...foundation and some other compact powder watchchya thingy and just standing there like...are you serious...what the heck is this...and why do they all look likenthe same color, why is this liquid and this powder...and the applicators...my head was spinning. I thought...maybe this is what a woman feels like looking at the plumbing section at home depot. So, a couple walks in and and the husband looked annoyed even having to walk into the isle in the first place. The wife looks at me as i stand there solo juggling a few items in my hands thinking to myself...i should have grabbed a basket. She smiles and looks over the my shoulder grabbing what looked like a surgical tool from the rack. (Eye lash crimper). The husband looked fairly tough...(guys tend to size other guys up)...but i was trying to figure out if he would feel threatoned if I were to ask his wife a quick question. Im a decent looking guy...a bit out of shape these days but i hold my own so i didnt want him to think i was trying to flirt. I mean, where else in the store would you find a better isle to pick up woman, right? So, i ask her..." excuse me miss." The husband immediately glares at me as i completely try to maintain eye contact with her...i know hes looking for me to see his warning stare. "Can you tell me where the foundation is?" She looks at me and smiles. "Ahh, you on a fools errend." Yeah, something like that i think. "She turns and faces the 20 foot long isle and says...your looking at it...all of it is foundation. Are you serious! My heart dropped...i could almost feel the color drain from my face...the husband snickered as she turned back wishing me good luck. I snatched a few vials compacts and whatever else and walked away feeling defeated...but...motivated. i can do this. I grab a basket off the floor and one of the items slipped out and snapped hard on the floor. I just picked it up and put it in the basket wit the others. The woman in line says..."your going to want to get another one of those. Your wife will kill you if you dont." I reached in and pulled it out seeing the mess it made...it looked like the damn thing exploded leaving powder all over the place inside it little not so clear plastic container. I shook it a bit finding it amusing...kinda link an etch a sketch...the lady frowed her brows as i did it...i need to learn makeup edicate apparently.

Finally i am in line...and my phone rings. Its my girlfriend...shes on her way to walmart...PERFECT! Here i am in the slowest line ever...with a basket full of frozen french fries, dishwasher detergent and a bunch of assorted makeups. Hmmmm...ok love, see you soon. (We literally live 5 minutes away.) Do i drop it and run out? Do i start tossing the makeup into the candy bins...maybe with the peanut butter cups...looks like there might be room...i look back...and of course...the couple is behind me from earlier...my heart is pounding...what the hell am i doing. I just shaved my legs last night and I am in line with makeup...my wife is closing in...all eyes are on me...i take a deep breath...ring out...and briskly walk out.

I get in my car carefully removing the makeup from the bag and GENTLY placing them in the glovebox. I take the receipt and literally set it on fire on the ground next to my door. Ok...lets go.

It gets worse...

I pull up...start pulling the makeup out of the glove box...my girl is not here yet...i get everything loaded and turn off the car and look left to open the car door...she is standing there with her arms on her hips waiting.

Did she see me? Omg,...i just climb out. Hey babe i say in my normal calm voice. Im about to puke...she says...what took you so long...i said the cashier was having issues...some new girl i think.

She didnt see ...thank god.

This is my day two...and i could go on about digging through the trash for the makeup i bought using my phone as a flashlight at 12am but this is already long enough.

So i ask...is this normal...did everyone start out in such a scramble...does it get easier? I just want to see how i look...how a feel in the full monte...but im now going to take a xanax because i have to find a wig now...I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

Welcome. Take a deep breath. ;) Yes, what you describe is normal. At first it's hard to shake the idea that everyone is watching you like a hawk; that everyone can see into your mind and read your motivations and intentions. That's just fear. So the first thing you want to work on is accepting yourself. Give yourself permission to be who you are. Do the things that make you feel good; avoid the things that make you feel bad; don't ever let being what you are define you -- that is if you decide you're a crossdresser, don't do things because you heard or read or feel it's what crossdressers do. Do it because you want to and because it makes you happy. In the end if what you do is the definition of a crossdresser, then that term describes you. And stay open because you might not be a crossdresser. You might find the things you do describe gender-fluid or transsexual or demiguy or some other thing. Just relax and go with it. ;)

Loved your story, crysis, as well as your very imaginative name as it pretty much describes most of our life experiences here trying to navigate this crazy twilight zone of gender non-conformity.

Welcome also to the world of subterfuge of the closeted crossdresser, as well as the ones in DADT relationships. Kind of like working covertly for the CIA, except that we don't get to find refuge in any witness protection program if things go badly for us. ;)

You are moving very fast - but with a girlfriend and a wife you must need to. Shaving legs and buying lots of makeup and next a wig. This site gets suspicious of those who pretend to be one of us.
I think we need to learn more about how you came to this conclusion you needed all this just recently.
Ellen

Whats DADT? I'm not sure i could handle another google search on that one and thank you.

"Don't ask, don't tell"...in other words, a state of Purgatory somewhere between Heaven and Hell... ;)

I guess i should fill in some blanks then and maybe if some of this is relatable then i may be in the right place...if not i hope that perhaps someone can tell me what steps i should take that could put me on the right path.

Deep breathe....here it goes...

At a young age maybe around 12ish...i would want to be a girl...i would fish around my moms things and every once i awhile take something of hers and wear it for a little when i was in bed. I would later put it back but i enjoyed the feeling. As i got older...16ish...i was involved in my first real relationship. The standard...learning how to kiss, sex, all that stuff...i was raised by my mother and was very shy about that kind of stuff. Im sure she was too concidering inwas an only child and not a girl that would have likely made it easier for her to talk to me about those kind of things. My mother...who hated my father finally called him and asked him to have the talk with me. That next weekend...i spent over at his apartment...before he went to bed he popped in a vhs cassette and said your mom wanted me to have a sex talk with you...but this should work just fine. I am pretty sure that may have left some minor scars in my mind as i see how some of the things in that video have been arousing to me much later in my life.

Around the age of 18 i had my first same sex relationship with a much older man. He was maybe late 20s early 30s. I was unable to be comfortable with him...im pretty sure that had a lot to do with my upbringing being in a very Catholic Church going family. Later...in college...i was in another relationship with a boy. Mostly kissing...nothing too heavy. I ended that quickly due to fear of others finding out. I have been in a handful of regular relationships with women. All of which have contacted me later in life saying that inwas different...that i never made them feel uncomfortable their sexuality and that i made them feel good. I have been called metrosexual many times...

I fantasize about being femine. My porn tends to lean in the transgender area...because it keeps me looking at woman but still fills the other side of me as well. I find them to be beautiful...all woman are beautiful...the clothes, sexy look, lips,legs, and especially that line that leads down the center of the stomach...i love the female form...envy it i guess.

Today...i want to feel that...i want to be beautiful instead of handsome....even for one night...to put on makeup...get dressed....feel sexy. To be a woman...because i think...for a long time...i have always felt something inside that wanted to be a woman...not who i am or have tried so long to identify with. I know i can never be a woman...but i would like to...just one time...experience what its like without the fear and see what the woman would have looked like as if i had been born that way....a GG i guess you guys...sorry...ladies describe it.

Ok, thats all i have. I hope i am in the right place. If not...I'll have to keep looking.

Thank you for sharing your story - it is very typical. I know it likely feels good to share it with people who understand.
With your desire to see the woman you can look like, rather than buying everything you can find, have you considered going to a transformation studio and let them do your makeup and wig? Then you will have your dream and can decide what you want to own for yourself. The people here can direct you to one nearby.
Hugs, Ellen

Thank you, Ellen. I have looked at that option as well...just felt uncomfortable about bringing strangers into all of this but you make a very good point. Rather than having to scour around picking up the pieces i should consider a one stop shop for the job. I will do that. I think i found one in Ybor. Any recommendations would be appreciated. Tampa bay area.

I don't know about these places, but Google found
http://www.lauriechism.com/MTF-Trans...ons_ep_45.html
http://tradingfacesorlando.com

Calm down and take a deep breath. What you are feeling is not unusual and as you read more material you will find stories that are similar to yours or at least contain similar elements.
i believe it would be useful for you to find a good gender counsellor who could just allow you to talk about all of your feelings and desires and allow you to transition into a steady state. You are trying to manage lots of different things in a short period and that might be too stressful.
You will soon learn the intricacies of makeup. It is not too difficult but going to place where they could find the right foundation etc. for you would accelerate the learning and probably save you a little money.

Two things I have learned that while they may be particular to me, are worth passing on are; 1) Trying to hide what you are does not work. Staying in the closet is difficult and stressful. Full honesty, while hard and often painful, has its reward in time.
2) Early sexual experiments with the same sex are harmless but for me, while the interest faded for many years, it did come back and I now have a strong interest in same-sex experiences.

I do think a few visits to a good counsellor who understands and deals with clients with gender identity issues, would be very helpful to you. I know that the expense and the prospect of opening up to a stranger might sound daunting but it can be so helpful and would allow you to better find your inner peace.

By the way, you Father's approach to the sex talk, seemed quite irresponsible to me. That may also be an issue for discussion.





Counseling should help you put all of this in context

Crysis,

Firstly welcome. Wow, talk about going for it big time. What a story you tell.

I feel you need to slow down a little. If you read widely here you'll see that almost without exception, finding or getting to the magic moment when you look in the mirror and it's someone else looking back can take many many years it's certainly not going to happen overnight. OK not what you perhaps want to hear but it's worth the wait.

As for makeup there are loads of online makeup retailers, many who often discount the products as trust me it's easy to spend the mortgage on even a few basic supplies. Look through what they offer and you'll become more familiar with what's what without being subconscious that everyone in the shop is looking at you. You've then the option to either buy online but have an excuse for what's in the little cardboard box when it arrives, or you can more easily target what you want in the aisles. Chemists (drug stores) often sell makeup but it tends to be broken down more by manufacturer so you'll have everything from foundation to lip gloss all in a more compact area.

If you've not done it already look up threads on shaving. The shave required to enable makeup to go on and not leave a tell tale shadow or little nicks is an art in itself.

Don't despair, take your time. Getting to that point were you've created that wonderful illusion is worth the effort. However, once created you may find that she wants to go further and venture out into the big wide world. A need to be seen and interact with others. Creating that vision may only be a step on a longer road. Keep us informed.

I think can relate to a few things you've written here. Does it get easier? It depends on your situation I guess.

Thank you all for the kind words and support. Something of a common theme that i keep hearing is that i am moving too fast...and i think you are right. Most of it stems from just getting it done...and thats probably the wrong outlook. I shouldnt view it as another job i need to finish up. Its more than that and has no deadline. I will take this advise and not feel like i have to jump into the deep when whenever i dip my toes in the water.

I think i may try one of these makeover places someone suggested to me earlier...that and some therapy with someone that specializes in this type of thing. Feeling much better about the whole thing now. Thank you.