Quote:
Originally Posted by
Teresa
May I ask if that's the only thing she has strong feelings about ? The reason I'm asking is aside from my gender issues my wife didn't really like my art or my arty friends , she didn't like my choice of music , declaring it " Rubbish ! I could continue .
Ah-HA, Teresa! A vital point, one the Doc mentioned recently on another thread. How strong was the marriage in the first place? How much did the partners really have in common? How much did they share and harmonize with another? Interests, values, background, likes and dislikes, sense of humor, attitudes to politics or religion, outlook, "world view," life goals, everything? And along with that, how much did their needs and strengths complement one another's in ways that also bonded them together in mutual support? How close are the partners to being true "soul mates"? Or do they (at worst) veer more toward being mere "room mates"? Not to mention that there are worse things than being "room mates," when two partners only tolerate one another and are at loggerheads much of the time.
I myself have been lucky, because my wife and I always shared a great deal in terms of interests, values and so forth. We even did the same job for the same company for many years, so we had a lot to share there too (including socially with friends we worked with), and we?ve enjoyed doing many things with one another. We both enjoy various kinds of music, from rock to medieval to classical. We ?take an interest" in each other's interests, even if they aren't always the same, or more specific to one of us than the other. Sometimes I go to certain shows and buy something I'd bring back home, but my wife is always interested to hear what I have to tell her about its history, design and so forth. Similarly, she might go shopping on her own and bring back a load of Christmas presents for her ("our") nephews and nieces. clothes, toys and whatnot, but we both enjoy the ?show and tell" that follows.
I'm tempted to go further and suggest that if there is harmony between a wife and a husband who has certain feminine tendencies, the wife?s appreciation of her husband's "feminine side," whether overt or covert, may be part of what bonds them together. In other marriages it may be the opposite, an underlying bone of contention. I recall hearing of one wife for instance who was frustrated because her husband was ?not enough of a tiger? in the bedroom. Though unlike yourself, I never had to face the issue, I imagine that had I been transgender, my wife and I would probably have transcended the issue. Since others have mentioned old Will Shakespeare here recently, I can't help thinking of his Sonnet CXVI, which famously begins:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds...
Going to that "fishing" analogy that both Stephanie and I have spoken of, there are varying degrees of ?acceptance" of fishing by a partner. At best, it may be something both partners enjoy together, which my wife and I have done, though I'm not a "fishing nut." On one notable occasion we took my mother out fishing, something she?d never done before at 75 years of age, and remarked that it was "so relaxing!? Even the fact that she fell into the St. Lawrence River at Gananoque, where we were fishing at the time, did not spoil her day!
Of course, a man may go fishing on his own if his wife isn?t so keen, but that's OK as long as his wife doesn?t mind. (Either partner may do the same.) As long as he brings fish home for her to enjoy with him, perhaps with a nice bottle of white wine, As long as he doesn?t necessarily expect her to clean the fish, as Stephanie pointed out. And as long as his hobby doesn?t take too much time away from his wife. Any hobby can do that. We?ve all heard the phrase "golf widow,? for instance.
But if his wife has some objection to fishing "on principle?--she doesn't appreciate the way of Nature and condemns it as "predatory? for instance--or if she hates his "fishing buddies" for whatever reason--that's a different matter and signals a fundamental rift of attitude between the couple. Then they?re not just "coexisting? peacefully side by side, but set in opposition to one another,
It wouldn't be a problem if your wife simply had no interest in art, but was willing to enjoy the company of your "arty" friends. But she actively disliked them. The same with music, pouring scorn on your taste as "rubbish." Unless it?s genuinely good-humored "joshing," and seen as such, . very few marriages can withstand contempt by one partner for another. So it seems to me as if your wife was a "problem," irrespective of any issues with crossdressing, which I?m very sorry to hear. It sounds as if the two of you had enough in common to be friends, but sadly, not enough to be "soul mates? or true ?life partners.?
Obviously I don't know how Charlotte stands in this respect, but the foundations of a marriage, and its potential for lifelong survival as a good marriage should, are always questions worth examining.