Question about your first time

I'm considering joining a local cross dressers support group. I have never been out in public, frankly I'm too much of a chicken to attempt. Being outed to family or friends or business associates is my principle concern.

To everyone who has attended such meetings.. What was your first time like? Did you go dressed or in drab? Did you go alone? Did you know or recognize anyone at the first meeting? Was it a worthwhile experience?

Any advice or support would be appreciated.

Dela; I've been out but never to a support group. There is one near by me that runs an 11week program that just started. I tried to get details but they made such a fuss about needing to be "onboarded" into the program that I gave up. Onboarding consisted of an interview as such with the program lead and as such they didnt offer convenient times to do this in person (basically had to take a day off work just to get through the hoops).

Disappointing as I was quite looking forward to the learnings, interactions, and networking opportunities.

Cheers... Jennifer

Please consider contacting the support group BEFORE you attend to get information about your first time requirements - day/time/hours of the meeting, acceptable attire, changing areas, bringing a companion that does not "dress", etc. Having attended a few different groups, each had a different set of rules to be adhered to while at the meetings. Some members were "stand-offish" to new comers and not too friendly, while others treated new-bees as one of the family. Enjoy.

Dela, you will find here the complete range of experiences from very good and liberating to frustrating and not supporting at all. There is a current thread now on someone's less than positive experience going to a support group for the first time. One way of looking at it is that the success or failure also depends on your attitude going in and your ability to get by one person's lack of friendliness to see and hopefully experience the benefits of the whole organization. Even a poor experience can be used as a way of learning and meeting other people with whom you may click and want to stay in touch with and meet up with separately from the more formal group, i.e. use the opportunity as a chance to network to meet others. There are support groups that truly offer a more formalized type of support and then those, I think maybe the majority, that offer a more relaxed type of support and social gathering fun event type of program. I prefer the latter since I go there for the social aspect and not the true support side.

Experiences attending a group: Mine were all positive (I have been to a few to see what they were like). I think that before attending a group it would be best to contact one of the organizers and ask all the questions that you want, like can I came in male mode, dressing styles used by most of the members, activities and formats of their meet ups, and anything else that you are curious about. I personally would recommend that you try different groups, if more than one exists, to see which one may fit your personality and needs the best.

Good luck and enjoy.

I have over the years had a few first time experiences with different support groups. I would echo those who say that there is not one universal experience. If a group is large enough however there is likely to be one or two individuals who will recognize that you are a first timer, and give you some attention. There will also be one or two cliques who may well ignore you if you don't meet their demographics. I have always dressed for such meetings. I would expect you could dress on premises if you needed to. And no, I never met anyone I knew at a support group meeting.

Della, go to a support group meeting. You will learn much. The TriEss chapter in Atlanta is wonderful . They meet 1 weekend per month where there are group sessions , planned outings ( all safe ) & much much support. Enjoy & learn

I belong to a Tri-Ess group in Central IL. We welcome anybody and everybody. You can dress fully, not dress at all, or anywhere in between. Confidentiality is assured. Most have a website with info and an email contact. Best of Luck !!!

deal it's hard to beat the support group you have right here on the Forum. You are in the right place to learn a life time of information and many opinions on every subject. I love it here and have always felt accepted and by the way you don't have to be in a dress to attend.... I have often though thought it would be fun to attend an outing but am also very cautious of not wanting to be outed to the public. Maybe one day I'll get over the image that no one really cares but my family comes first and I really would like to keep this part of me secret. My wife knows and is very helpful though. My sons and daughters I think need to make their own lives and decide their own problems with out being concerned with dad dressing, thus I stay hidden. Good luck but sounds like you are getting some very good advice here.

Chari's comments are very good. I contacted the organizer before I attended my first Renaissance meeting in the Lehigh Valley, PA She put me at ease, gave me really useful info and made it much less stressful. It was the first time I went out dressed.

My first meeting I went as a guy by myself. I got a few answers that I needed and left after 30 mins. its easy and the odds of seeing someone you know are very slim. I'm sure there's a better chance at winning the lottery than bumping into someone you know. Most of the folks I have met over the years seem to have a good code of ethics and won't say a word to anybody even if they did know you. Its worth the experience for sure. I started going to these meetings 3 years ago then jumped out into public places and now anything goes. LOL

Oh my, I don't know where I would be without my TriEss sisters. Each group is only as good as it's members but mine is full of some of the warmest, most supportive people I've ever met. I had only contacted them by email and then had an interview in drab with one member. So, I at least knew soemone beforehand. I had to change there, which was very stressful, but once done, I felt totally at home.

We don't get into the support aspect very often per se, we're more social but if someone has something to discuss we're happy to help.

All my worries about the group, were just that, worries, with no basis. It doesn't matter how you look. Some folks come in drab the first time, some really only wear something simple, no makeup etc., some go full femme. (like me) We don't care.

So, the only way you'll know if it's for you, is to try it, or you'll never know and always wonder. It took me going 2 months, then not for 4 and struggling with myself over it, before I went back and I'm so glad I did. I cannot go back to hiding alone late at night, feeling guilty, wondering and wishing...

I went alone and I was en femme. Be prepared for a wide variety of people. Some will look and act like very attractive women Some will look very nice but will talk and act like men in dresses. Others will be dressed as some fantasy of theirs. There may be some in drab. There may be a few SOs there and some will be comfortable and others will act as if they can hardly stand to be there.

You should not worry about being outed by anyone at a support group. This is very taboo! Some people there will be very friendly and helpful. Others may be very shy and
reserved. It will be up to you to decide how you want to interact and with whom.

Have fun!

Dela,

First time out with a local group was great. I was working in SF, but was home for the week and my wife and her girl friend were staying at my SF apartment. It was a Wednesday evening, the Wednesday before Bin Laden was killed. My wife said she could not help with make up and I was on my own. I made an appointment with a transformation service in town. Since she was showing me some make up tricks, she did something for either day or night. The owner does a lot of the girls in the group and she said that a group of them meet every Wednesday night for dinner, then go to a bar for drinks, pool, and dancing. Off I went alone. The leader of the group was there and she told me all I had to do was send her an email with picture. All the girls there welcomed me with open arms and I did not know any of them. I was also invited to join the group at the comedy club that Saturday. This group does several outings a week along with big seasonal events at different homes. The Halloween, Thanksgiving dinner, Winter Gala, Super Bowl Party and Prom night are big events. Sunday morning, after the comedy club, I had a work conference call. The call started off with the death of Bin Laden.

I have a terrible memory, but the Wednesday night transformation, the Saturday night at the comedy club, and the death of Bin Laden will always be linked together.

The following month when the group went to the comedy club, I took my wife. She enjoys the eclectic members of the group.

I am currently in the process of attempting to join a local trans support group as well, at the suggestion of my therapist. All I know is they have a social once a months, a potluck once a month, and a dinner once per month. Then they have the occasional event like a christmas party. My main concern is that everyone will be much older than me, which isn't a bad thing, but I would also like to meet a few people around my own age.

I've told the story of going to my first group meeting several times here over the last 8 years if anyone cares to look it up. Basically I felt welcomed and accepted. Theses groups tend to move very slow, however, if at all. After the same formula for meetings after 2 or 3 years, I moved on to develop myself. Groups are fine if you like a safe environment to talk and dress with folks with similar interests. The challenge of being myself required more than that though. We are all different in this respect. :)

My first time out wasn't to a meeting, but to a night club, it was really exciting. But the first time I went to a Transgender meeting, I was all dressed up and I wore a white mini skirt, a small top, and a pair of heels to kill for.
I felt so feminine and so sexy, that everything else at the moment does not matter. It only matters how you feel.
May be in the beginning it feels weird, but you get confidence as you keep finding out that there is nothing to it.

All the girls in the meeting were nice, and some complemented me about my looks.

Just try it and enjoy yourself.


Paola.

Dela,

My first time was at Sigma Epsilon in Atlanta GA.
I attended my first time in drab mode because that was about 9 years ago and really did not know much about what I was getting into.
It was great! they were supper supportive and helpful. Encouraging me to attend the second meeting dressed, which I did. But my wife had many of the fears you speak of so I was not able to leave the meeting place. It took 3-4 months before I went out for the first time and it was wonderful.

Go and enjoy yourself, not only will they watch over you and help you along the way you will gather some great friends along the way.

Best of luck,

Through another forum I met another girl who was the organiser of a support group about 150 miles from where I live. After exchaning a few messages I decided to attend the group accompanied by my wife, it was a great group, everyone was friendly and welcoming and constantly shifted around in the seating so that everyone met everyone else and felt a really comfortable place to be. Sarah the main organiser told me about a group local to me and gave me a contact number for them, I then tried attending that group again accompanied by my wife. This was a totally different experience and we both found them a very odd group of people not nearly so welcoming or laid back as the other group.

Interesting range of responses...my first time "out" was to a support group run under the auspices of The Beaumont Society in the UK. I had made contact beforehand so I had a bit of an idea what to expect. So I planned in advance what I was going to wear, talking it through with a lovely female colleague from work, and headed to the meeting in male mode clutching my bag of clothes to change into. I was really nervous and not at all sure how it was going to be.

By the time I had changed several other girls had arrived and we went through some introductions. Whilst this was a huge step for me I really didn't feel comfortable; I was, quite simply, different from the rest of them. They were all old hands at this - breast forms, wigs, make-up - all knew each other. I was a guy wearing a skirt and top - no falsies, no hair, no make-up. The meeting was in a small room and we were all very close together - about 6 or 7 others as far as I remember. They did their best to make me feel welcome but I just didn't feel as though I fitted in.

So that was my first attempt. A month or so later I went to a different group. By then I had a wig, I had some breast forms and I was experimenting with make-up for the first time - and I had a new name - Michelle had been "born". I went from home and was dressed when I arrived. That second group was so different in character - bigger space, lots of room, a wider range of people. Maybe I was more prepared but I felt so much more at home. That group has developed and they are friends - there are always new girls and almost always some real girls too and it feels such a welcoming place, so different (for me, at least) from that first group.

I don't think there is an easy way to know how a group will be without going. But I can wholeheartedly recommend being part of a support group - it is a safe place to go and be your alter ego. For some girls it is the only place they go. I love to go with a friend - sometimes one of the other girls, sometimes with a real girl friend or a work colleague. It is just good to have others there who have the same issues, the same history and just sit and chat.

I wouldn't dream of turning up in male mode but quite a few do and change when they get there and again before they leave. Just play it by ear, do what feels comfortable - I think it is well worth a call in advance just so you know a bit about what to expect. Go for it...if nothing else it will get you some new friends who share your interest.

Michelle
xxx

Hi Michelle,
I'm in Somerset, could you say where's good to go in the SW of England? I'm facing my first group soon - Taunton with SW girls, am a bit apprehensive.
thanks

Hello Dela,

I had two first times with the same support group. The first time, I was en drab, shy, scared, was late so I stayed in the background, talked to no one, felt horrible, left quickly.

The second first time, I again attended en drab, was received much more welcoming, the was on time this time, so I got to sit through the meeting itself. A representative from the county sheriff's office was there to answer questions about how the jail was operated in regards to transfolk. Maybe not a very good introduction but in reality, was very interesting as I have a specific interest in law enforcement myself. Afterwards, the group had it's social time and I was able to mingle a bit more, talk to more than a few gals and even the sheriff's deputies. Our particular group does not put requirements on dress, but encourage you to come dress as you feel comfortable. I am able to change there on site if needed.

I don't attend every meeting (they are bi weekly) but I've gone to quite a few and enjoyed many, was bored at some, but always felt a nice connection with others who are of liked mind and spirit.

If you can, I'd try to connect with someone in the group to ask the logistics, any attendance requirements, etc... and then, go have a good time.

Cassie :love:

Pamela, hi...I am very close to where you are - I live in East Devon and work in Somerset, passing through Taunton every day...

The first group I went to was the Taunton one...I've never been back but I think it would feel now Michelle is established in the world (as it were). The group I now go to regularly is the Exeter group - meet on the second Friday each month at Clyst St George village hall - just up the road from Darts Farm.

I would try both as I did - you might end up going to both. My friend Francine goes to both as does Nicky, the regional co-ordinator for Beaumont Society. As you will have realised from my account I feel so much more comfortable at the Exeter group - more space, easier to talk one to one with someone without feeling everyone else is crowded round and ear-wigging. And I like the fact that it is a mixed group - always some real girls there. Next meeting is on February 13th - be great to see you there. And I am always up for girlie days out - was in Street on Saturday with my wife but happy to go shopping anywhere anytime - and it is so much better with a friend :)

Hope to see you soon...if you want to make contact email through here with an email address and I will get back to you ASAP.

Firsts are always nerve-racking but that is part of the buzz - and every subsequent time is easier. Go for it girl - it's grrrrr-eat.

Michelle
xxx