Petrified!

I am someone who is mostly closeted, primarily because I am in a small, Midwestern town. Despite this, I like to challenge myself from time to time. For example, I might drive myself to the mailbox to drop some mail, which means I am driving through my neighborhood in broad daylight. I do this to confront my fears in order to grow as a person.

Yesterday I decided to try dropping off a Redbox movie I had rented the night before. It was about 9 in the morning. I arrived at the location, ready to go. However, there was a car parked right in front of the machine, and the person in it was just sitting there, drinking coffee. I would have had to walk right in front of this person, which was something I really didn't want to do.

I decided to drive around the building. Now there were three vehicles parked there. The first vehicle was the same car. The second was backed into the spot, with the tailgate open. The third was unoccupied.

I decided to park across the street to see whether it would get better. That is when I discovered the purpose of the first two vehicles. They were there to restock the two Redbox machines! Frustrated by my petrifying fear, I decided to ditch the outing.

Why is it that many times I can face my fears, coming out the other end unscathed, yet other times I am petrified by the fear?

Sami

Hell-o Sami,
I hear those Redbox restockers can
be a fairly rowdy bunch. You probabably
did yourself well by avoiding them.

Seriously though...We all have those moments of
"though shall not go there!", and if memory serves me right?
I probably shouldn't go there!?????

You were dressed, and got out and about.
Fuel to the fire!
Much Love,
Kristyn

Sami,
It's totally understandable why you should feel as you do. The situation you describe is as close to a one on one encounter as it's possible to have. There would have been you and one or two muggles who let's face it, would have spotted you if for no other reason than men will look at women. If you're the only person they can see, they will scrutinise you.
Getting out there into the public gaze is tremendously stressful. Doubly so if you're so exposed to onlookers.
This is why I and many others say the best places to first get out and about are busy ones. You can merge into the crowd. Hide in plain sight.
Find another town, somewhere you're not known and with a busy mall are go out there. Dress to blend and yep, it will still be scary but way less than ending up in the one on one you found yourself.
Let me finish by saying I applaud your getting out in daylight. You're going to get there one day soon if you show such ongoing courage. Well done you!

Hi Sami,

Agree with Helen, start with going further out to a different town to help get you acclimated. Not having the fear of possibly running into someone who may know you is one less thing to worry about.

But good on you. The first step out into the sunlight is by far the most challenging and you did it !

Good morning Sami, Look in the brighter side of things, you dressed, you stepped out, and you took a drive! If you fear being clocked you will project fear and then you will really stand out! You did great! Now go out and see what the next town over has, oh you may want to bring spare drab clothes in the trunk just in case. I have to admit, for me the fear and the adrenaline is part of the rush; that and dressing to blend isn't how I really want to dress but it is easier to blend. Thanks for sharing, Brenda

I understand you fears and actions but keep in mind that sometimes we make ourselves obvious in our efforts to avoid detection. These people may have wondered why you kept driving around the business but never stopped and did anything. If you're scared, the best thing to do is just drive on by and come back later.

Agree with Krisi, sometimes avoiding attention brings it on. But you are out there and confidence grows each time you go out. Don't worry about it too much, it happens to us all.

Yup, I know that feeling. I might go out 1000 times, and then something on the 1001 will stop me in my tracks. Sometimes it’s best to heed that inner warning.

You just weren't prepared for an encounter this close. You have a comfort zone and this would have been outside of it.

You might have caused suspicion but I doubt it. Even if you did, Mr. Dillion has always been respectful of
women. ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sami Brown

Why is it that many times I can face my fears, coming out the other end unscathed, yet other times I am petrified by the fear?

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Because you're a human being. Forgive yourself and move on. If this is a problem that is important to you, you'll eventually solve it. Never do anything because you think you "ought to" do it because you want to. ;)

I would think going out alone, dressed could be petrifying ,

I haven't been there yet !

Sami and others,

I have the same problem, where sometimes the fear is completely gone, other times it's there like a rabid animal ready to rip me apart. To some extent I can trace it back to a FEW experiences that were very rare, but awful enough to leave what I call "permanent scars". One in particular has haunted me for over 20 years. I had been going out dressed for about 8 years with varied success and enjoyment, but NO really awful experiences. I'd get clocked, probably more often than I realized, but most peoples' reactions, if any, we're at worst a little embarrassing. They were things such as wolf whistles from a gas station attendant, one guy walking towards me was fixated on my 5 inch stiletto pumps, black stockings and short skirt. When he got close enough he looked up at my face and his expression showed HE was terrified. That happened on a morning when I had to hurry to the store to buy a Sunday newspaper before they sold out. I didn't have time to remove my poorly applied makeup from the evening before or even try to "paint over it with a fresh coat". I'd slept in my wig and it certainly showed. I Iooked worse than something "ridden hard and put away wet". It was completely my fault to let that happen. I should have bathed, dressed properly, re-applied my makeup, and re-brushed my hair. After that morning of pure embarrassment, I strived to always dress more like a sophisticated, elegant lady with some class. I still would get clocked, but no one gave me any bad looks or reactions, not even jokingly. One Sunday I decided to go shopping for some nice clothing brands that JC Penny had started selling to try and portray a more upscale store. They advertised Sergio Rossi all leather stiletto pumps, high end skirt suits, pretty blouses, etc. I wore a knee length skirt suit, 3 inch black pumps, subdued but nice makeup, a silk blouse - things that I thought would work well for trying on nice clothes and shoes - while on my way home from church services or a nice Sunday brunch. I didn't have illusions of really passing, but thought I looked respectful enough to escape reproach. The store was in a local mall, and using the outside entrance gave me the chance to see myself in the window reflection - I could check my walk in heels, posture, balance, how I carried my purse, all pretty good, certainly within the norm of what I had seen GG's doing, and my attire was not out of line. Lots of women still wore skirts, stockings, and heels to a mall on Sundays while shopping. Stockings, pantyhose, and even high or moderate heels were still commonly worn in those days (early to mid 1990's). I picked out a pair of the Sergio Rossi heels (the most expensive brand they carried) and waited for a SA to ask me for size so I could try them and be sure they fit.....and I waited.....and I waited.....until realizing that no one was going to do anything. When one SA had no other customers, and I took money out of my purse and counted about 4 times as much as the shoes, saw that she watched, I realized they were refusing to sell me anything. It wasn't self service, so I left and entered the mall to see what else I might find, and hopefully find a store willing to take my money. With my heels I was wearing I walked a little slower and more casually than usual, window shopped, etc. Then I heard the nastiest voice in the nastiest tone I'd ever heard: "YA LOOK GREAT!" he growled. He was about 20 feet behind me, but loud enough for me and anyone near me to hear. In a matter of seconds he was close beside me, in a suit and tie, with a cheap badge hanging from his coat pocket. He was a plain clothed mall security. I said: "excuse me??" in a soft, but wavering attempt at a feminine tone. Then even louder, making sure everyone within 50 feet could hear as they all looked up to see what was causing the disturbance, he almost shouted: "I SAID YA LOOK GREAT!!" At least 30 or more people were staring at me, giving me the same type of look when they see someone caught red-handed for shoplifting. I was I the middle of the mall - no exit close by to turn to. I could have said many things back to him to let people know I'd done nothing wrong. Let them know that this poor excuse for a neanderthal (nevermind human being) was harassing me....simply because he could. Up until that point I hadn't seen any shoppers even give me a glance. I turned and walked back through the mall, exiting out of the same exit that I had entered. Looks from some people appeared so hateful they scared me badly. Some (not all) others, mostly GG ladies, had expressions of sympathy. I went home, and vowed to myself I would never go out dressed in feminine clothes again. The next day I dressed in a feminine suit, went to JCP, and returned a leather belt I'd bought that previous day. The lady behind the counter asked me why, and I told her. I let her know what mall "security" had done. She seemed sympathetic and confirmed that some SA from JCP (shoe department) had probably called security and griped when I'd been in their store. When she tried to talk me into keeping the belt, but I politely let her know that since that's how they treat paying customers I would not except it if they payed me to take it. She said she understood and had seen it happen before. I made sure she knew I didn't hold her personally responsible. Before I left, I did ask her though, why she hadn't reported it to her manager right then. She looked down at her shoes without speaking. I told her to "cheer up a little, your store is doing so well in profits that it can refuse customers at will, for no reason".

I think I know what I should have done, both at the time it happened and later to the highest manager I could find. Happily, that mall has been torn down. I won't cry any tears for them. I understand JCP is near bankruptcy with no likelihood of being saved. A shame. They used to have nice merchandise and were worth our time.

I still go out, but hardly ever. I don't like the scars they left. I wish I had known about this site back then. I needed a little support.

Linda

Linda -- so sorry to read about your experience. You note that it happened over 20 years ago and all I can offer is that our culture has grown since then. I've never had that kind of experience while out and these days such behavior would be unlawful -- at least in my state. I've seen this country go from a time when physical assault on a crossdresser was culturally encouraged to these days where we're gaining general acceptance. I'm hoping 20 years further along there will be a whole generation of people who will find such stories borderline unbelievable (like my kids when I tell them, yes, we used to have separate bathrooms for black people.) I hope you find a way to get past your previous experience and be as comfortable out there are any other person.

Thanks, Pat. I agree, things are probably better after that many years. Before I retired I held seats on many committees charged with deciding what should happen (employment-wise) to people who had blatantly shown crass, insensitive, discrimination toward people who are gay, lesbian, etc. The biggest emphasis most committee members placed was on hiding their real feelings - making sure they didn't "get out" and become "known".... It's illegal in my state too, at least there's been that much improvement. At the time back then, in this state, it was not illegal to terminate an employee for being gay, cd'er, etc., or other alternative lifestyle. What stunned me the most was when I learned that it wasn't illegal at the Federal level either. So you're quite correct. Our rights have been significantly strengthened. Having seen all that back then, serving on decision committees (I was closeted then and still am), and then having experiencing myself what really looked like pure, evil, hatred was quit awful. I'm very glad for the rights we've gained. I hope enough people, especially our young folks, value these rights enough to never let anyone repeal them or let them slip away.

Thanks again Pat,
Linda

It always seems like there's always that car with someone sitting doing nothing, or a person standing against the wall staring at the sky. I always wonder why is there somebody doing nothing when I finally get some courage to step out of the car. A few weeks ago I drove by the same gas station three times and it was pretty quit so I decided to take a chance, as soon as I turned in so did a tow truck and he stopped on the side just sitting in his truck. I didn't feel comfortable with the situation and I left. I tried another gas station and I didn't think phone booths excited anymore, I looked around and I was just about to get out and my eye caught a person in the phone booth and I didn't know what he was doing. Again uncomfortable with the situation I left, I know it's impossible to get nobody around, I don't mind a person on the other side of the gas pump but I'm uncomfortable with being in someone's eye sight.
I don't leave my car to often only usally at a gas station so I really didn't have many bad experiences, I just remember once being at a red light and I was about to make a right turn and at the last second I noticed a person about to cross. I stopped and when the guy walked in front of me he raised his hand to thank me, and we made eye contact. OMG I know I don't pass but when he seen me he made a face like he seen a ghost. He went from a friendly smile to to a scared ugly person. I still can remember that look just like it just happened now.

Thanks all for your words of encouragement. I have been out comfortably in larger cities and crowded places, but that is while on vacation. The next city with a large mall is three hours away, which I plan to do in the future. I am just trying to find ways to get out just a bit around here from time to time.

A couple of you nailed it on the head that the fear is because of potential one-on-one interactions. When I was in Las Vegas not too long ago, I mustered the courage to go to the Divas Las Vegas show by myself. I had no idea whom I would be seated next to. I had no problems during the show. Afterwards the performers were in the lobby. Although I would have liked to chat with them, I couldn't make myself do it, despite the fact that these were men in women's clothes. If there were anyone who should have celebrated that I went to their show en femme, it would have been them. It doesn't make logical sense, other than fear of one-on-one interaction.

My Redbox experience just points out the source of the fear once again, especially thanks to the insights of the good folks here. Thank you!

Sami

What, specifically, were you afraid of? I don't mean to dismiss your fear. It was clearly very real, and we have all been there at some point, but it will help if you take the time to name the thing, or things, that you are afraid of. Do that, and then ask yourself if those are things worthy of so much fear.

Next time just go for it.

You do need practice to do that.

Krisi is right on the money.
Trying to be inconspicuous is more conspicuous to people watching.
Pull up do what you need to do and be done with it. I would say less people would even glance to see whats going on.
I understand the fear but in time you will realize its all in your mind because nobody is really watching you.
Midwestern town, big city,Bible belt it doesn't make any difference people are the same everywhere.
Using the Midwestern town reason is just an excuse you use not to do anything enfemme.
I live in a small city and know at least a thousand people but that doesn't stop me from going out enfemme.
If your friends don't know you CD then they aren't looking for you to be wearing womens clothes and if the did see you they wouldn't think it was you anyway.

Sometimes we "scare " ourselves too much. But then we adapt, and try to go to diff places ,where chances for "confrontations" are less. Things Are some better today than in Linda s story. And the Net has made shopping Sooo much easier than when some of us started Dressing. Now we can avoid the "rude" salespeople, and have items sent to our door. Now, when I go to the mall, its not to buy stuff, but look like I am. Blessings.. Toni G..

The best thing to do is to make up your mind what you are going to do and then just do it. If you decide to drop off a movie, drive up and drop off the movie. If you decide to put gas in your car, drive to the gas station and put gas in the car. Driving around the block until no one else is pumping gas will just arouse suspicion. One of the good things about gassing up your car is, once you start, you're stuck there until you finish. Five more cars may pull up and start fueling but you can't run and hide. This gives you confidence.

Plus you can kinda hide between the car and the gas pump. If you leave the driver's door open, then no one can see you from the front (assuming you've pulled in behind someone at the pumps).

I've been going out dressed for 5 years now, and I still have times where I backpedal and either don't complete the outing or just change my mind at the "gate" and don't go. Don't be down on yourself, it happens.

Our walls of fear seem to get knocked down one brick at a time, not all at once. Each time to go out and do something anything, you're building a library of experience that tells you nothing bad happens. If you go out enough, you'll eventually believe it and feel confident enough to just go and be free.