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Tried to make it go away way to many times.
Practically everytime after sneaking into mom's closet, the guilt qould be too much and I would swear that would be the last time. Same thing when in collegue, same thing once married, same thing after the kids were born.
The thing is, it wont go away. Now I know...
No, I knew it would never go away. Even during the times in my life when the urge was weak and I didn't dress for a long time, I knew it was there, lurking under the surface.
I so totally agree. Your post echos my thoughts exactly.
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Originally Posted by Katey888
I love what you say here katey< i too am learning to accept Sonia and nurture it, at best. I don't want to be ashamed of it anymore. Kate to answer your question I did think would go, if 'I have steady gf' if 'I put on muscle' or 'if I was caught' (and I have been quite a few times along with some really close calls) ' if 'was marooned in an island'. Even then I know now, I would have fashioned something out of the leaves if I had to. I did want it go away too, I prayed it would, and I tried pretty hard too at times. I always came back. Now I don't want it to go I love my sweet little girl in me too much now and it's me.
I hoped and prayed it would go away. I figured if I could just be man enough or tough enough I could make it go away. That it never did used to make me feel like a failure as a man, to want and like feminine things and want to wear women's clothing. Though today I am now more accepting of myself, and I no longer feel like a failure as a man, or person for that manner, I would still take the magic pill to make it go away.
Yes, I once thought it was all over. I had graduated from college. I was drafted into the army. I lost all interest in sexuality. Maybe it was the military way. Break the recruit down and mold him into GI Joe. I went to Nam as an infantryman. I had nothing on my mind but staying alive. Once every three months there was "stand down" which was drinking diluted beer and watching scantily clad women. I was medivaced back to the states. Even when I was returned to duty I had no sexual urges. The I married my future wife. Then I had sexual urges......fill in the .....! When I decided I would propose marriage my memory banks brought out the question of whether or not that youthful foray into my mom's clothing meant I was somehow sexually less than a man. I thought it would never return. Well, it took several years, but, it did creep back. For two years I did not have a sexual thought-cross dressing or otherwise. I guess women were excluded from combat roles, so Stephanie decided to stay home.
I spent many times wishing, hoping it would go away. Nights lying in bed in tears, "Why me?" A few times I really thought it had. But no, it never did, not for long.
Katey mentions this, I now wouldn't like it to disappear. I feel it's a special part of me, who I am.
Christen x
Many times I have wished it to go away as it has caused many issues in my life. I know it never will go away, and I now work to make it a small part of my life. It does help when I'm frustrated or feel blue and helps me relax. I now struggle to not be obsessed and work a balance in my life with this curse.
Over the years, I tried to make it go away, but, it either never left or just came back. Now at 58, I don't want it to go away. I've learned to except that a very large part of me is and always will be female. It simply cannot be helped, it's there in the way I think and act everyday. I regret years ago trying to ignore it, and hoping it might just go away.... I should have embraced it then and enjoyed that important side of me !!
Would pray each night , to be just a normal boy. Just to live a life , without deceit , hiding a secret part of me. Always being oh so careful, so very stressful. After getting married , it came back in less than a year. Buying things and purging , the constant thoughts , of what if , if only I was born.....,,,,,Would have so many hobbies that my wife called it the hobby of the month club...that worked for awhile,,,,but alas this curse would always be there , peering over your shoulder , always just a thought away...you eventually get worn down , tired of the secretive lifestyle,,,,,I came out to my wife ...a whole new set of dilemmas ,,,,, issues that I thought were just cd ,,,,but no much deeper (gender issues) ..But now I know these will not go away ,,,,experience has taught me ...That it Honestly won't go Away...
I never wanted it to go away.
I never thought that I wanted the feeling to go away. Even when I havn't been able to dress it was always on my mind. As far as the guilt and shame goes. I've had plenty of guilty and shamful feelings but I cannot ignor who I am deep inside.
I have tried to make it go away many times. It used to make me feel like I was an outsider looking into the normal peoples lives. I felt alone and very ashamed. Now that I have admitted to myself that this is part of me I don't want it to go. I finally feel like I feel I should and am proud of myself.
Throughout my entire life, no matter how hard I try to deny, tell myself I'm done, and overcome my desire to be a women and CD to cope; those thoughts would still be there in the back of my head. Each time it came to the forefront, my desires and what I did got stronger and more undeniable. Even as I got married 5 years ago, I remember telling myself that maybe now that I'm building a family these thoughts would go away. I was only fooling myself and not facing the inevitable true that I was a TS. And instead of fighting it, it was important to embrace who I am.
i graduated from High School and entered the military - then i settled down with my future wife. All urges were gone for several years. all of the stashed clothes were gone. the urge returned in a tidal wave, as we had our child, the urge died once again only to treturn a few years later.
i wish it would just go awau
I have tried to make it go away. prayed it would go away.
but it hasn't and never will go away alas!
I have tried countless times to make it leave me alone. Sometimes I thought I had succeeded, but I am guessing now that during those periods I was merely distracted by other forms of relief. I like to think that for most of my life I have not felt the soul numbing self loathing over this, only the fear of being caught. But even that is likely to be rationalization. I now no longer feel that guilt and accept myself, and forgive myself for my fears and inability to reach this point sooner. I have even come to embrace my "girl" and place great value on that side of myself. But I have not yet been able to fully put behind me the guilt over decisions I made which have, through my own dishonesty, caused great pain to those I love.
So, did I ever think it would go away...no, and that is the problem...n'est pas?
I started when I was 6 years old and I'm now 60 years old and I'm still dressing up...I try to stop but a little time goes by and there I I'm doing it again...
Original Poster : ShelbyDawn.. thanks SO much.. I am a late-comer and started in '09 but I did have a few times as a child that I snuck a pair of knee-highs from my grandma.. my mom did not hardly ever wear any pantyhose but her legs were silken and amazing and had no need for that..
well I am glad to read all the responses as well and I don't feel so strange now.
I have thought about this from time to time.
If i looked in the mirror or took a picture (and not even in one pic) and i didn't like what i was looking at I would quit in a heartbeat.
Like some others I thought I could will this desire away. I believed I had some success but over time the passion and desire to dress overtook me. Like many others I felt guilt and shame. Over time I tried to push this desire away only to have it return. Always wondering why I felt the way I did. Never found the answer. Still haven't. Now I have confessed to myself that I am hopeless crossdresser and made peace with my desires without the need to have an answer to the question "why do I desire this?". I honestly believe there is not clear answer. To me its like trying to answer "Why do I like chocolate? or why does a t bone steak taste so good?" The best peace I can make with myself is to accept the desire as part of who I am and make the best compromise for myself and my family. If there were a button I could push to make my desire change or a pill I could take to make this desire change I would use them. But there is none of those. Acceptance that we are who we are and that we may never understand why we are that way is the best settlement for me. Just saying.
I take comfort in also believing that at my core I am still a good person despite my desires to dress enfemme. Being a CD does not change the fact that you are a good person at the core.
hey kate....Once this thing started, I never wanted to be over. This single acknowledment has cost me countless
relationships, and a few awkward moments to say the least. I've been at this for awhile now and can honestly say
that for the duration, it's been a blast. In fact, I hope I never get to the point where I want it to go away completely.
I do wonder what the feeling will be like when i'm in my 80's or if at 110 will I still want six inch heels...lol.
We'll see.
dana
Never, since the age of 6, or so, I have wanted to dress & live as a female 24/7 in my adult life.
I wished many times that it would go away, but I don't think that I ever really thought that it would.
Now I'm glad it didn't, for I would have lost so much of myself just to be like others.
I hope that GG's read the many responses of how we (I) have wished, hoped, prayed and attempted to make it go away. I know many who are on here as members do have an acceptance and understanding of this. But for those who are lurking or who are very new to all of this, it isn't a willful choice we make. Many of us had or still have the desire to just be like everyone else, but those are not the cards we have been dealt in life. We are who we are and we too must go through life and accept ourselves.