Struggling with coming out to my SO

Hi everyone! I'm at a very confusing point in life, and I'm hoping to make the right decision over the next few months. I'd love to hear your thoughts. My apologies that it's a bit long-winded.

Here's some background:

I've been with my SO for a little over 10 years. She's very liberal and not religious at all. I'd say that she's very open-minded and non-judgmental of sexual orientation and lifestyle.

I just discovered CD'ing two weeks ago. I've thought about it for years - not that urgently - and decided to take the plunge on a full makeover. And wow, it was incredibly emotional for me. It was truly a life-changing event, and it's set me on a new journey.

I've always been an alternation of masculine and feminine. On the masculine side: I have to be aggressive in my job, I lift weights, I'm in a rifle club, and I go to metal concerts. On the feminine side: shaved my legs and chest for nearly 15 years. I get a pedicure with color twice a month, and we often go together. I'm pretty obsessive with grooming and I have more skin care than she does. I get my eyebrows shaped. I'll wear either short shorts or lycra tights (with no shorts over them) as normal clothing on a weekend. I'll walk around in flip flops with my polished toes visible. I wouldn't say that she finds this feminine behavior attractive, but she doesn't seem to mind. She likes the joint pedicures and sharing products. She's asked me a few times why I do it, and I've just answered that it makes me happy.

In terms of women's clothing, I have a strong attraction to nylons and panties, and I've worn them many times while we're intimate. Again, I don't think she likes it (and she won't wear them herself in the bedroom), but she's generally okay with me wearing them. I've dressed a few times on Halloween too - as both a nurse and a French maid.

So, I'm at a crossroads. I've just started CD'ing and I don't think that there's any going back for me. I'm contemplating whether or not to tell her. I'm not expecting her participation and I'm actually fine with a DADT scenario. But I'd rather not sneak around or worry about traces of makeup or stashing my femme clothing. I didn't tell her about these first few times because I really needed to see if it was actually for me. And.. it really is. Here's what I'm thinking:

Confidences:
1) She's progressive and I've never heard her say anything negative about TS or CD individuals.
2) I have quite a few feminine things in my wardrobe and grooming routine and she has seen me dressed in womens clothing several times before (although never with makeup). She didn't necessarily like it, but it didn't seem negative for her/
3) We have a strong relationship and we have a lot of separate hobbies. I don't need and won't demand her participation or enthusiasm. Just her acceptance and some space for me to pursue it.
4) She's never once shown any jealousy or mistrust in our relationship.
5) I feel that this can actually make our relationship stronger. It makes me more complete and more relaxed. And more in tune with her.

Fears:
1) I like being a man and I'm looking to incorporate some regular Eva time to explore that side of me. I have no desire to be a woman on a daily basis or change my gender (at least I don't THINK that I do). But so much communication in the media is about transitioning individuals that she may be afraid that this is the "beginning of the end"
2) There is a very strong sexual and narcissistic element to my experience. Even though I have not and would not cheat on her, I would understand her fears when I leave the house in a tiny miniskirt and go out to dance and show off like I'm the 25yo girl of my dreams LOL.
3) Her knowledge of Eva diminishes my masculinity and therefore my attractiveness in her eyes.
4) I don't think that she'll find me attractive when dressed en femme. I doubt that she would pretend to for my sake either.

Anyway, thanks for reading! I'd love to hear any feedback or advice that you'd like to offer.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you found a good therapist if things go south.

If she loves you, she will accept you for who you are even if it may be DADT.

Well as Im sure youve read here sometimes this goes well and sometimes not, I fell into the latter. Only thing I can say is approach this if you decide to do it as youve asked here. Sounds like you have good chance at being successful with her liberal attitude. I know from my own experience Ive been doing this for years and its not going to go away. But I am hopeful at seeing all the positives here maybe I can find someone. I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide, Eva.

Eva, my SO is liberal also. I came out to her. She is accepting yet has some restrictions that mystifies me but able to work through those. One she says that I have to be a natural girl. No wigs or forms. But I must say that we go out as two gals a lot and do dinners and movies and shopping together. Being a man is okay with me also. But my fem time is becoming important. Now if you keep up that intimate relationship with her. She will not mind the fem you. I have an engagement ring and she made me wear it when I was out by myself. LOL she said that it shows I'm already taken. Having your SO on your side is so nice and it is good to share life with each other.

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

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Originally Posted by Dana44

Eva, my SO is liberal also. I came out to her. She is accepting yet has some restrictions that mystifies me but able to work through those. One she says that I have to be a natural girl. No wigs or forms. But I must say that we go out as two gals a lot and do dinners and movies and shopping together. Being a man is okay with me also. But my fem time is becoming important. Now if you keep up that intimate relationship with her. She will not mind the fem you. I have an engagement ring and she made me wear it when I was out by myself. LOL she said that it shows I'm already taken. Having your SO on your side is so nice and it is good to share life with each other.

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This is really instructive for me. I'm thinking that she could enjoy it, just as long as it's not overpowering our relationship or taking away attention from her.

I'm trying to see it from the other perspective. Like if she told me that there was a male part of her to express. You know, she wanted to dress up in a 3-piece suit every month and hang out with guys drinking whiskey and calling herself "Steve." To that end, it could be fun, and I would enjoy sharing that world with her.

But I woudn't want her to talk about being a man all of the time, or act hyper-masculine constantly, or getting physical with other women who enjoy FTM TS people. As long as the relationship is first and her hobby is second, I would absolutely accept it. I'm thinking to apply that same perspective in my case.

Hi Eva,

I have a similar situation at home, and I'm maybe a little further along. My SO is very liberal, and has identified to a certain extent as queer and poly in relationships. She is very supportive of all things LGBT, and actually has done some diversity work as a facilitator in this regard.

However my dressing and gender identity has always been a bit tough for us to wrap our heads around. I told her early in our relationship, and we gave a try at incorporating this when we were younger, but it didn't work (as much my issue of not really understanding what it meant for me, as her having a hard time). We packed it away for a while, and recently (about 8 months ago), came back to it. I've been trying to dress and go out, and she definitely has a hard time still with it, though we have made progress. It comes down to a few things for her:

- Being liberal in the world is one thing, especially when it's not directly associated with you. But applying those same liberal notions to your day to day with your partner, is a little bit harder. It becomes a shift not just in my identity, but in some ways, her identity - no longer a male-female relationship, but a trans femme-female one. She was attracted in many ways to my maleness, but as a girl I identify much more femme. It's not something she's drawn to, and that creates some tension in our relationship.
- She has real concerns about my safety anytime I go out in public, and especially because she feels like I walk the world as a man, and don't have the same understanding of vulnerability that a woman does. I'm working on this, but I also get it. I'm a big guy, and I move around the world with a bit of a sense of invulnerability. But I am definitely a target as a trans-woman.
- There is a sense of hiding/fakeness that she's uncomfortable with. She's not into wigs or breastforms either, and so we have had to kind of work out what doesn't feel like hiding or pretending to her, and what seems like genuine gender expression. That doesn't mean she gets to dictate how I dress, but it's been useful to examine my own notions of femininity and why I hold on to them (healthy doses of sexism there on my part) :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have this bouncing around in our heads a lot as the people working through our gender and dressing, and it feels sometimes like it can completely consume us, because it is a part of our identity. But for our loved ones, it's not something they're thinking about all the time. They aren't the ones reshaping or shifting who they are, and so it can be tough for them to keep up or wrap their heads around it. So, however you decide to break it to her, be patient. Go SLOW. I would strongly suggest couples therapy as it's been a great space for me and my SO to work through some of these issues.

This is just my experience, and maybe it will be totally different for you. Whatever the case, I wish you the best, hun. Let me know if you want to talk further!

Hugs,
Raeleen

It has been my experience that many women find the deception more of a problem than the actual cross-dressing. I had one girlfriend who couldn't understand why I kept a secret from her for so long, and wondered what other secrets I was keeping from her. After talking to her for about four hours, she finally just got up and left, and I never heard anything from her again.

Be very careful approaching the subject.

Hi Eva,

I feel quite a lot of resonances to your situation from where I was just over a year ago. Both my SO and a visitor said that the first day all they saw was the clothes, then after that they saw the person and the clothes became irrelevant. What this translates with liberal people is that they'll have a little shock then become used to it. When she sees this does not diminish the masculine but grows your relating in even better ways you can be onto a winner.

I feel the following points are key:

1. to show that while dressed she is still the focus of your arousal and sexual interest - that actually the dressing increases this attention you have for her.
2. there are massive plus points in the level of relating and shared experience "girl to girl" giving you both a richer relationship
3. still provide macho time for her
4. being open about it is so much better than hiding/sneaking/lying - perhaps say you're exploring this and that you're 100% hetero and so on.

xxx Pamela

Interesting thread...I am sitting with my SO in leggings, and wearing my forms. and a stretchy t-shirt that accentuates my boobs...no problem. But yesterday we had a conversation about me shaving male hair. She said, "You know, that doesn't make you a woman." We discussed this a little later and she said she just doesn't understand why I do this...and funny thing I don't know why either. Good that I can express myself this way, bad that I can't explain the desire. And after a bunch of decades of wondering I am still in the same place. Anyone out there have any answers?
Trish

First you know your wife and your relationship.

BUT

As a GG involved here and at a local GG group the thing I hear most is they can not get over feeling being lied to or betrayed and that is for many the hardest thing to get over.
So since you said in another post your foot is on the gas petal in regards to the crossdressing. It seems ( to me) from your posts this is a big part of your life/ thoughts now.
Guess you have to sort this out if it's pink fog and you go back to the things she knows about or this is you now.
I personally would be livid and feel left out of a big part of my partners life.

Hi Eva,

The big reveal IMHO is a personal decision and also one not to be taken lightly and should only be attempted after much soul searching and self-understanding. It will go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level (e.g., complete . . . go get your girl on to DADT); or (2) exit visas. There is no grey zone.

The one thing I note in your post is that you said you just came to cross dressing in the past two weeks and have found a zest for it . . . albeit I think you have been dabbling for some time to some degree :). If you really and truly feel this is something that will not go away, will consume you on some level to the point where you find yourself ignoring her, unable to focus because the thought of dressing is so pervasive you can't concentrate, need Eva time in varying degrees and stealing a private moment or two won't suffice . . . then perhaps a discussion is in order. However, if you are truly not sure if this is a done deal and it may sputter and die once the excitement wears off (it could happen) then I have to ask why risk a big reveal for something that is so new to you?

If you choose to tell her, be honest in disclosure on what you hope to achieve and work together to create mutually agreeable boundaries (one person should not have all the power). Most importantly, keep communicating once the information is discloses to avoid any misconceptions (on both parts) that things are or are not still okay . . . talk, talk and talk some more as it is the only way forward. Most importantly, it is your decision and while we can give advice it is from a position of personal experience and personal circumstances which may or may not be the same as yours.

Cheers

Marcelle

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cara Lacey

It has been my experience that many women find the deception more of a problem than the actual cross-dressing. I had one girlfriend who couldn't understand why I kept a secret from her for so long, and wondered what other secrets I was keeping from her. After talking to her for about four hours, she finally just got up and left, and I never heard anything from her again.

Be very careful approaching the subject.

---

Agreed, I want to avoid the deception aspect of it. I think that would hurt her more than the Crossdressing itself. And lead to thoughts of "if he can lie about this, what else is he covering up?"

At the moment, I've made excuses only a few times to get out and do this. I wouldn't tell her before seeing for myself if its real. I'm thinking that is is.. so that's prompting me to tell her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pamela7

Hi Eva,

I feel quite a lot of resonances to your situation from where I was just over a year ago. Both my SO and a visitor said that the first day all they saw was the clothes, then after that they saw the person and the clothes became irrelevant. What this translates with liberal people is that they'll have a little shock then become used to it. When she sees this does not diminish the masculine but grows your relating in even better ways you can be onto a winner.

I feel the following points are key:

1. to show that while dressed she is still the focus of your arousal and sexual interest - that actually the dressing increases this attention you have for her.
2. there are massive plus points in the level of relating and shared experience "girl to girl" giving you both a richer relationship
3. still provide macho time for her
4. being open about it is so much better than hiding/sneaking/lying - perhaps say you're exploring this and that you're 100% hetero and so on.

xxx Pamela

---

Great advice, that's exactly what I'm thinking. She's accepted the other stuff that I do as part of me, so I think that she will here as well. I just need to reassure her completely that our relationship and my overall identity will not be impacted.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by trisha kobichenko

Interesting thread...I am sitting with my SO in leggings, and wearing my forms. and a stretchy t-shirt that accentuates my boobs...no problem. But yesterday we had a conversation about me shaving male hair. She said, "You know, that doesn't make you a woman." We discussed this a little later and she said she just doesn't understand why I do this...and funny thing I don't know why either. Good that I can express myself this way, bad that I can't explain the desire. And after a bunch of decades of wondering I am still in the same place. Anyone out there have any answers?
Trish

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I've thought about this exhaustively for the past few weeks.

On one hand, you've got the TS folks who want to be the gender that they identify with.

For me (and maybe you), I want to live a small part of the female experience. I'm looking to be a fun, lighthearted, sexy girl. I want to step out of my own skin and my usual responsibilities and be her for a little bit. It's relaxing, exciting, and mind-opening. Any straight guy is typically fascinated with women and thinking about them often. I think that if you have inclinations like we do, it's empowering to take on a bit of that persona and live inside their skin. To be complimented as sexy and beautiful. To let go of the typical male posturing and attitude.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Di

First you know your wife and your relationship.

BUT

As a GG involved here and at a local GG group the thing I hear most is they can not get over feeling being lied to or betrayed and that is for many the hardest thing to get over.
So since you said in another post your foot is on the gas petal in regards to the crossdressing. It seems ( to me) from your posts this is a big part of your life/ thoughts now.
Guess you have to sort this out if it's pink fog and you go back to the things she knows about or this is you now.
I personally would be livid and feel left out of a big part of my partners life.

---

Yes, it's been dominating my thoughts for the past few weeks. I'd say that i'm pretty deep in the Pink Fog at the moment. I'd ideally like to include her, or at least tell her what's going on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Marcelle

Hi Eva,

The big reveal IMHO is a personal decision and also one not to be taken lightly and should only be attempted after much soul searching and self-understanding. It will go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level (e.g., complete . . . go get your girl on to DADT); or (2) exit visas. There is no grey zone.

The one thing I note in your post is that you said you just came to cross dressing in the past two weeks and have found a zest for it . . . albeit I think you have been dabbling for some time to some degree :). If you really and truly feel this is something that will not go away, will consume you on some level to the point where you find yourself ignoring her, unable to focus because the thought of dressing is so pervasive you can't concentrate, need Eva time in varying degrees and stealing a private moment or two won't suffice . . . then perhaps a discussion is in order. However, if you are truly not sure if this is a done deal and it may sputter and die once the excitement wears off (it could happen) then I have to ask why risk a big reveal for something that is so new to you?

If you choose to tell her, be honest in disclosure on what you hope to achieve and work together to create mutually agreeable boundaries (one person should not have all the power). Most importantly, keep communicating once the information is discloses to avoid any misconceptions (on both parts) that things are or are not still okay . . . talk, talk and talk some more as it is the only way forward. Most importantly, it is your decision and while we can give advice it is from a position of personal experience and personal circumstances which may or may not be the same as yours.

Cheers

Marcelle

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That's good advice, and I'm definitely going to explore a bit more before I say anything. Asking you wonderful girls was my first step :-)

I'm going to try to make it to a CD meetup on Wednesday to speak to some people in person. And we do have a therapist.. I'll set an appointment with her to talk about things before any discussions.

Hi. On the one hand, you are not going to give her the biggest shock, as you have already incorporated femininity to yourself that many men never do, nor want to do. So, the big reveal may not be as big of a leap for her as it may be for many who have a S/O who never showed any type of femininity. On the other hand though, is the reason.... That may still be a big leap for her. It may still be quite a bit for her to work through. The reveal of being a CDer could still be very challenging for her because it is going from being a quirky feminine guy to someone who at least for a short period of time, presents as a girl.

While I am an advocate of reveal as early as practically possible, and I am such an advocate because I did not. I now bear the struggles my wife has because she did not know all about who she was really marrying, even if at the time I wasn't ready to accept myself, but I still knew of it, and had dressed on a handful of occasions prior to being with her. I would perhaps wait on it just a little bit, and I am emphasizing a little here, because right now you are as you say going through the pink fog. That is normal when we break through new ground.

Perhaps waiting just a bit, until the pink dust settles some might be a good idea. You may be able to think a little more clear headed. And, after the reveal, the fog/dust will likely kick up quite a bit. If you are already in it to begin with, it may become a full fledge tsunami. Pink tidal wave at that point perhaps.

If I may offer one last thought, while it is good that your S/O is on the social liberal side, and is not in the hard core religious corner, do not over bet this to her acceptance. It may help some, and you may think to yourself, that her liberalism becomes hypocritical if she has a real hard time with your CDing, it really isn't hypocritical. Liberal women, who are hetero, or even if they are not strictly hetero, are with us for a reason. If they fell in love with a guy, it is that guy they know and want. They may be more apt to consider a relationship with someone who is not the norm, and maybe her acceptance of your femininity is from that, but it is still a game changer when the feminine guy becomes something else. Be patient with her on this. You have had your entire life to get to this point. Her acceptance MAY take quite a long time. It may not, there are some who can flow with it pretty easily, so I do not want to sound like a total debby downer here. I am just saying that you should prepare yourself for some challenges that may take quite a while to get through.

I'd say from what you told us that she just may accept you dressing. But one never really knows. If she is good with it keep things slow and give her time to take it in.Good luck Eva.:hugs:
Angie

I think the fears sum it up pretty well, mostly around the fact that you seem to be uncertain about where it will lead.

If it does lead on to some form of transition, then that's how it is. If you need that, fighting it will only cause you more grief in the end. I would see about getting to see a therapist or sex counsellor, a good one, and see if you can make any determination of how it is likely to be. At some point you have to tell her, dishonesty isn't going to help. It might be better to have a good gasp of this stuff before you talk to her, but from the sounds of it, she may be more understanding about it than you are.

Some great advice appears here, as usual. Here's what I'd add.

Since you've already done some crossdress-ish things with your wife, chances for you and her getting through your bigger reveal are good; you have reason to be hopeful. If you're both open and honest with each other, you can find ways of accommodating to each other's wishes, and that will determine how far you can go in including her in your "en femme" activities.

Think about how much easier it will be for her to handle your saying, "I have to tell you about something that I did two weeks ago, and what I learned about myself," versus "I have to tell you about something that I did three years ago ..."

I think there will never be a better time for you to discuss this than now.

Best of luck to you both.

Sounds to me like you've been cding for awhile now and have just finally admitted it to yourself. Whatever. Feels so good huh.

I just recently came out to my wife and we are in that limbo where I give her time to adjust and wait to see just where we are. She was ok with me doing it if it makes me happy but I don't think she understands. How could she when I can't really nail it down myself. This is all good advice here and I'm inclined to say go with your instincts as far as how she will take it.

My biggest regret is not doing it sooner, thinking of opportunities I've missed, etc. But then all things have their time and this was apparently the right time for me.

The best thing is to think it all through and know ahead of time how you are going to respond to her questions or have the questions she should ask at hand.

Go to the sticky about telling your SO and read. Marci has great advice and Q and A that will help you be prepared and several links that will be helpful for your wife.

As to why, I had a few hours at work last night to think about it and I came to some conclusions that make sense in my case. That will be a separate post.

Liz:battingeyelashes:

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Originally Posted by Liz57

Sounds to me like you've been cding for awhile now and have just finally admitted it to yourself. Whatever. Feels so good huh.

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This.

The time it takes for the crossdressing to ramp up varies with individuals. But when it does, I don't think there is another choice but to tell. If you don't you will feel frustrated. You will feel compelled to hide and lie. Your wife will sense that something is wrong and she will not know why. You risk driving a wedge into your relationship even worse, I think, than if you do tell. At least then, all the cards will be on the table.

Explain that the crossdressing is progressive, you have had an inclination to experience femininity for a long time, and now you are ready to take it further by presenting full-on as a woman and going out, and you do not want to go behind her back. Explain this is not going away but do reassure her that you are not attracted to men nor do you want to be a woman. This is the first thought that goes through a spouse's mind.

Also, try to keep the Pink Fog at bay.

Good luck!

Note: by progressive, I do not mean progressing to transition. Transsexuals transition, not crossdressers. Crossdressers rather progress to presenting full-on as women occasionally while still maintaining a desire to retain their male lives. We have an entire forum filled with people who present as women and go out occasionally, who have no desire to transition.

Hi Eva
So long as you are prepared for every outcome, it may go well or not, what ever you decide to do you have to accept the situation.
It is never nice to deceive your SO and the freedom you get from letting the cat out of the bag is fantastic, but once the cats out you can't put it back.
It also may be a positive outcome at first but this can change and you may need to adapt your dressing regime to accommodate your SO's response.

Good luck

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Originally Posted by gendermutt

If I may offer one last thought, while it is good that your S/O is on the social liberal side, and is not in the hard core religious corner, do not over bet this to her acceptance. It may help some, and you may think to yourself, that her liberalism becomes hypocritical if she has a real hard time with your CDing, it really isn't hypocritical. Liberal women, who are hetero, or even if they are not strictly hetero, are with us for a reason. If they fell in love with a guy, it is that guy they know and want. They may be more apt to consider a relationship with someone who is not the norm, and maybe her acceptance of your femininity is from that, but it is still a game changer when the feminine guy becomes something else. Be patient with her on this. You have had your entire life to get to this point. Her acceptance MAY take quite a long time. It may not, there are some who can flow with it pretty easily, so I do not want to sound like a total debby downer here. I am just saying that you should prepare yourself for some challenges that may take quite a while to get through.

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You're absolutely right, and I definitely appreciate that. There's a big difference between a liberal person who accepts someone from afar or accepts that person as her life partner. I don't make any assumptions based on her liberal nature, but it's definitely a better start than if she was very traditional and/or religious.

I have a good feeling that she'll accept it but generally not want to participate. She probably won't want to hang out with me while I'm dressed, but also won't freak out about it as long as she feels secure that I'm not fundamentally changing and it's not taking over our entire relationship.

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Originally Posted by UNDERDRESSER

I think the fears sum it up pretty well, mostly around the fact that you seem to be uncertain about where it will lead.

If it does lead on to some form of transition, then that's how it is. If you need that, fighting it will only cause you more grief in the end. I would see about getting to see a therapist or sex counsellor, a good one, and see if you can make any determination of how it is likely to be. At some point you have to tell her, dishonesty isn't going to help. It might be better to have a good gasp of this stuff before you talk to her, but from the sounds of it, she may be more understanding about it than you are.

---

That's a good call - we actually work with a therapist already. I'll probably meet with him solo to discuss what's been happening. He was excited at our last meeting when he saw how relaxed I and optimistic I was. I nearly wanted to tell both of them why right there!

I'm not worried about a transition. Although I'm not sure how that process starts, I honestly don't have that desire in me. It sounds shallow, but I'd only like to be Eva in certain settings and kind of get the best parts of being a girl. I'd like to be sexy, fun, and lighthearted - dancing at a TG-friendly bar or shopping for a cute dress. I don't want to be Eva in my daily life though. For me, this is 1/3 fetish, 1/3 escape, and 1/3 personal expression.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lori Kurtz

Some great advice appears here, as usual. Here's what I'd add.

Since you've already done some crossdress-ish things with your wife, chances for you and her getting through your bigger reveal are good; you have reason to be hopeful. If you're both open and honest with each other, you can find ways of accommodating to each other's wishes, and that will determine how far you can go in including her in your "en femme" activities.

Think about how much easier it will be for her to handle your saying, "I have to tell you about something that I did two weeks ago, and what I learned about myself," versus "I have to tell you about something that I did three years ago ..."

I think there will never be a better time for you to discuss this than now.

Best of luck to you both.

---

Thanks Lori, that's great advice and I agree. I'm thinking to take two more steps: (1) attend a CD meeting and really talk to others in person and (2) approach the issue with my therapist.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Liz57

Sounds to me like you've been cding for awhile now and have just finally admitted it to yourself. Whatever. Feels so good huh.

I just recently came out to my wife and we are in that limbo where I give her time to adjust and wait to see just where we are. She was ok with me doing it if it makes me happy but I don't think she understands. How could she when I can't really nail it down myself. This is all good advice here and I'm inclined to say go with your instincts as far as how she will take it.

My biggest regret is not doing it sooner, thinking of opportunities I've missed, etc. But then all things have their time and this was apparently the right time for me.

The best thing is to think it all through and know ahead of time how you are going to respond to her questions or have the questions she should ask at hand.

Go to the sticky about telling your SO and read. Marci has great advice and Q and A that will help you be prepared and several links that will be helpful for your wife.

As to why, I had a few hours at work last night to think about it and I came to some conclusions that make sense in my case. That will be a separate post.

Liz:battingeyelashes:

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Glad to hear that you've made it through! I'm still trying to figure out exactly "why" myself, but I've also got a lot of thoughts on it.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

This.

The time it takes for the crossdressing to ramp up varies with individuals. But when it does, I don't think there is another choice but to tell. If you don't you will feel frustrated. You will feel compelled to hide and lie. Your wife will sense that something is wrong and she will not know why. You risk driving a wedge into your relationship even worse, I think, than if you do tell. At least then, all the cards will be on the table.

Explain that the crossdressing is progressive, you have had an inclination to experience femininity for a long time, and now you are ready to take it further by presenting full-on as a woman and going out, and you do not want to go behind her back. Explain this is not going away but do reassure her that you are not attracted to men nor do you want to be a woman. This is the first thought that goes through a spouse's mind.

Also, try to keep the Pink Fog at bay.

Good luck!

Note: by progressive, I do not mean progressing to transition. Transsexuals transition, not crossdressers. Crossdressers rather progress to presenting full-on as women occasionally while still maintaining a desire to retain their male lives. We have an entire forum filled with people who present as women and go out occasionally, who have no desire to transition.

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Thank you so much, this is great and very encouraging!

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Originally Posted by Jennie2

Hi Eva
So long as you are prepared for every outcome, it may go well or not, what ever you decide to do you have to accept the situation.
It is never nice to deceive your SO and the freedom you get from letting the cat out of the bag is fantastic, but once the cats out you can't put it back.
It also may be a positive outcome at first but this can change and you may need to adapt your dressing regime to accommodate your SO's response.

Good luck

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Well, I'm not totally prepared for the really bad outcome, but I'm hopeful. We lead somewhat independent social lives as it stand - both of us get and appreciate our times with the guys and the girls. As long as she sees Eva as a quirky outlet for me and not an existential threat, I think that we'll get along fine.

She has excellent taste in shoes and clothes, and would probably hate Eva's starting wardrobe though. Eva is kind of a tart who never saw a skirt short enough, a heel tall enough, or a set of tights sheer enough. I also remember when my SO talked to her friends about how much she hated "Winged Eyeliner." The first thing that I asked for in my makeover was winged eyeliner. We're very much at odds with female fashion taste, haha :-)

Eva, you made a very distinctive point in your response to my reply. It was the very last thing you said, about fundamentally changing and cding dominating the relationship. That is usually the tipping point for marriages and relationships when it comes to tg issues. Also, please also remember that an s/o will have more than just the dressing and femininity issues. The secrets, and trust issues often are as hard if not harder for them to work through. It does look like you have a good mindset starting off. Hoping for you it goes well.

Your situation has similarities to mine. I was dressing before I met my SO not ten years in. But she is liberal and you have a good relationship.

One thing to consider, that I did as well, would you rather have an open, honest relationship or live in fear of being discovered? I told my then girlfriend and now wife and it was the right decision.

Don't expect her to jump up and down over the news, give her time to process. At the time, my girlfriends answer was, I don't know how I feel about it and I let her ask questions and answered honestly. Now seven years later we are married, she buys me girl things for birthdays and Xmas and has attended events with me when I'm dressed. I even perform burlesque en femme and she goes to the shows. She bought me my first burlesque class as a gift. She does not however want to fool around while I'm dressed and I accept that limit.

Maybe your girlfriend will want to join you when you go out, maybe not. She should be able to have her reaction and you should be able to do your thing as you want to. Hopefully both of you are good enough to be accepting of each other's desires.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

This.

The time it takes for the crossdressing to ramp up varies with individuals. But when it does, I don't think there is another choice but to tell. If you don't you will feel frustrated. You will feel compelled to hide and lie. Your wife will sense that something is wrong and she will not know why. You risk driving a wedge into your relationship even worse, I think, than if you do tell. At least then, all the cards will be on the table.

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I think you are right on target with this. I self-discovered last summer, had the pink fog lead to the "what is really going on" moments, repressed over the winter which let to feelings of misplaced frustration. Being in the closet is an emotional roller coaster.

Great conversation!

My only contributions:

1) Share deeply on the experience, the uncertainty, the 'feeling' of your journey. Make sure she knows that these will not displace her needs, and that you are interested in her experience of reacting and processing. And that you allow for them to be her own and not bound to your fantasy.

2) Is she strong-minded, articulate and thoughtful? I think things will be harder if she has uncertainties about you and the relationship that she has trouble getting in touch with or expressing.

You definitely want to let some of the pressure out of the pink fog, it might be hard to see her clearly through it.

Best of luck!

Thanks for all of the great advice everyone! I'm very grateful that you all took the time to read though and give me such great feedback. It's a huge help.

I actually went to a CD meetup last night and spoke with some girls in person. Nearly all of them were in committed relationships and had been where I was. Most are out to their wives or SO's. It was hugely important to hear their stories.

One of them really stuck out for me - it was a girl around my age. She first came out as a crossdresser, and that caused a lot of friction. As they made their way through therapy, she evolved to say that she was Trans. This was easier for her SO to accept as it's less of a choice. She saw crossdressing as a fetish but trans as nature. I'm going to explore that more with my therapist as well. I don't see myself transitioning into a woman, but what's happening to me is definitely stronger than just wanting to wear a dress and pantyhose. I'm sure that I'm on the spectrum, and it may be a better way to approach my first conversation with my SO.