No More Secrets... and a thank you

Several years ago my wife and I had a long talk regarding Danielle issues and her greatest concern was with me telling her lies and being dishonest. To maintain our trust with each other I promised not to lie to her about any Danielle question she asked me.

A few months before I joined the forum almost two years ago she asked me if I shared photos with or communicated with other crossdressers. I truthfully answered no.
Since joining the forum and emailing friends I have met on the forum I have felt guilty I have not told her. It was a lie by omission and I knew one day the truth would have to be revealed.

Last week during a discussion about how much Danielle time I was having she asked the big question again. With a big gulp in my throat I managed to get out a “Yes”. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest and I explained to her it was very difficult for me to make the confession. She said she had her suspicions for various reason ( never underestimate women’s intuition, I guess) and asked what I get out of it.

I told her it was mainly for feedback on Danielle’s dressing skills, discussing common interests especially issues about how all of this affects our wives and our relationship, and for the confirmation I wasn’t the only out there who was like Danielle. I told her about the wide transgender spectrum of the members on the forum and where I fit in.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but finally Danielle has no more Danielle secrets I am keeping from her. I am very thankful for my wife’s acceptance level and strongly recommend to those out there not to keep any secrets from your spouse if possible. For perspective, Danielle’s situation over 50 years has progressed from being totally closeted and secretive, to strict DADT, to more relaxed DADT ( but still hiding stuff and having a post office box), to my wife willing to see Danielle in person and in photos. The current understanding is she is not comfortable seeing Danielle but doesn’t have a problem with my Danielle purchases, knowing when I am having a Danielle day, and indulges Danielle being hair free for a few weeks once a year. Most importantly, we are both much more comfortable talking about Danielle and can even joke about some of the funnier aspects of crossdressing.

She has expressed concern my Danielle days, computer time on the forum, and talking to friends is occupying to much of my daily life and if I simply had more hobbies and other activities then Danielle wouldn’t be so important to me. Of course, all of us know it isn’t quite that simple! I will have to explain to her in a future conversation even when I was working, the kids were at home and Danielle days were once or twice a year it doesn’t me I still wasn’t thinking about it any less. It was just more secretive and incredibly more stressful than it is now.

Sorry to ramble a bit but the truth has set Danielle free and I am grateful I have found so many great people here to share a bit of Danielle with.

Danielle,
Thanks for sharing this story. I, like you, had a difficult time having the "big talk" with my wife. I have been through a similar progression of secrecy (hiding) ,DADT to passive acceptance. Honesty with my wife has been the best thing for both my wife and me. Being able to discuss this passion with my wife has never been easy but has been the best thing I have ever done. It gets easier but is never easy. I love my wife and I find her acceptance with limitations to be wonderful. I am happy for you.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

Thanks for sharing Danielle and Teri Ray. Some of the issues a wife may raise are legitimate. Spending too much time? Ignoring other activities? Isolating oneself from others? Spending too much money? I wish my wife would say something. Anything sometimes. But, she clammed up several decades ago. Totally ostrich with head in the sand. She knows I wear women's clothing when the opportunity presents itself. I have no idea if she knows the extent of my wardrobe. So, how does one make a confession of a sin of omission when a wife does not want to hear anything or see anything?

When you answered truthfully about posting pictures on line before joining this forum is there a duty to tell when you do? Or to show every purchase? Just rhetorical questions?

I'm happy your relationship has developed to one of openness.

Congratulations on having "the talk."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

So, how does one make a confession of a sin of omission when a wife does not want to hear anything or see anything?

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My wife has told me that she doesn't want to know about Steffi. I tell her when Steffi is going out, and when she expects to return.

She doesn't even ask the questions she used to ask my daughter when she was going out:
1. Who are you going out with?
2. Where are you going?

Since I have to leave and return in boy node, she doesn't even ask where I change, which I consider the most dangerous part of going out.

If she asks a direct question, I will give her a direct answer without elaboration, If she asks a followup question, I will also that directly. But, generally, she doesn't ask I guess because she doesn't want to hear the answer. I'm OK with that. Isn't that what DADT is anyhow?

Danielle,

I hope this leads to a gradual easing of restrictions and tension.

The more you can talk the more barriers are broken down.

My wife has known about the Crissy side of me for five years now. Sometimes accepting and giving me things and buying a few things, just over a month ago buying me some women’s sleep pants. Unfortunately it is mostly tolerance, she found out about me being on this site and accused me of lying to her, the lie of omission. Many tears and a tough time for sure. I explained, or tried to, tell her about this being a clean site, not a pickup site and that we have so many great members. She did not want to hear it. I did not tell her because she is a private person and is always worried that someone will find out about this part of me.
Things have gotten better but I know there is a lingering, what else is there, attitude.

Danielle, what a wonderful and instructive post. Thank you so much for sharing this.

It was late 2012 when I had to face the truth about myself, a truth that had been there since I was perhaps 4 years old. I was reprimanded for my deviation in gender expression when I was about 8 and for the next 59 years I hid it behind a masculine smoke screen that had terrible psychological effects. In some ways the stress made me rather beastly at times. Hurt a lot of people as a result. Big secrets have a habit of doing that no matter what the secret is.

I revealed the truth to my wife. She didn't grab her phone and start looking up the numbers of divorce attorneys. In fact, she accepted it. By accept I mean she didn't call me a lunatic. But unlike you, Crissy, and many others there is no sharing of it. She knows about this forum but has never questioned me about it. She does not want to participate or have much of anything to do with it. Perhaps some denial on her part. She does accept my normal mode of including in my daily attire bits and pieces that indicate that I am not exactly down the middle masculine. So to that extent she is "accepting," but it is actually more of a tolerance of her husband being different. She realizes I do have to be me and she recognizes that my personality is much kinder than it was prior to 2012. The honesty allowed me to be my genuine self and she likes that, but would prefer the Gretchen part not be there. She has suggested a couple of times that I just "be myself." Of course, that does mean that she thinks Gretchen is not real and if I am myself Gretchen would go away. I respond with, "What if this is myself? I have been this way all my life, so perhaps this is the real me." She agrees that it is a good point, but she still thinks otherwise. That tells me it is tolerance and not acceptance.

You have a special relationship with your wife and that openness will go far to keep it special. I suspect she wishes it wasn't that way, but the love for you overwhelms the quirkiness of being a bit trans. Hopefully, she sees that it is not all bad for her; she could have married a man that later became a beast. The way you are is a bit of a plus for her.

Thanks, Danielle. This is the last dynamic for us older married folks in DADT.
My disclosure to my wife many years ago was driven by the weight of dishonesty through omission.
There's still an occasional arrow shot my way but they're the only ones in the quiver. She has no desire to do anything to acknowledge, support or promote my activity but,
there's a beginning of understanding that it's a part of me that contributes to the overall balance in life. And that never would have happened without disclosure.
The first wife (the parasite) was only looking for a free ride for herself and tried the litigation route at disclosure. Failed miserably and now it's someone else's problem.

So many responses, and many with similar reactions. Well, mine is no real different.

I recently told my gf. Well she suspected for a few years anyway when I got drunk one night and showed her a corset I was wearing, lol. We recently broke our engagement but this has nothing to do with my crossdressing at all, but for other totally unrelated reasons. We live apart, but we still chat on webcam nearly everynight.

So I finally admitted to her a couple of nights back or so. Not surprised, but still a little shocked to see me where my denim hot pants with pink fleece jumper. Last night was even more of a shock when I wore my leapord print skirt and pantyhose. She is going to have a meltdown when I wear my full length summer dress, lol.

As we are no longer officially together (more friends with benefits now), she is a bit more accepting. I fully expalined to her why, all psychological, much down to past traumas and abuse with a lot of toxic masculinity thrown in my direction, that I first experimented in my preteens so definitely was not really a fetish thing. She gets it. But naturally she is still a bit weirded out. But she lets me be me without question, for now. It is very liberating though that I no longer have to make a mad dash to change back into my drabs whenever she calls me, such a relief. I have recently told some of my family. At least my sister who lives five seconds from me has been more accepting. She just gave me some black nail varnish, and a few weeks back, lots of makeup plus a makeup box.

Right now, I admit I do find it all thrilling, but I am still a little confused with my gender identity. No rush though, I’ve come so far so quickly already.

Danielle, thanks for sharing. I couldn’t agree more, that keeping secrets will definitely ruin a relationship. I had to work through two very difficult breakups, due to keeping secrets. Now, I’m happily married, with a wife that fully supports me, and let’s me express myself as I see fit. Just last night, we had a date night, to a concert, and getting ready together was almost the most fun part of the night. She helped me make sure my eyeliner was straight, that my jacket looked cute with my dress, and I helped her pick out her lipstick, and made sure she remembered to wear her cute boots, since it was raining. We have no secrets from each other, and it’s wonderful. It may be difficult to have that initial conversation, but when it goes well, it’s worth it

Thanks for sharing, Danielle! It's good you and your wife are talking about your CD life! It's best to be honest about things as best as you can!

Stephanie47 had a good point to make concerning her and her wife's situation:

"So, how does one make a confession of a sin of omission when a wife does not want to hear anything or see anything?"

From the sound of others who have posted that have DADT relationships with their wives about CDing, many wives just don't want to hear about it and would probably wish that we'd give up CDing and it be gone from our lives. I told my wife about my CDing before we got married, yet she married me anyway. I do believe she tried to accept my CDing and even went to a wives and members get together of my CD support group, that included a gender counselor who facilitated the get together, but it made matters worse concerning my wife's attitude towards my CDing. I ended up quitting the CD support group and going solo, dressing privately by myself when nobody was around. She knew about this and tolerated it and it kept the peace between us. I did not want my marriage to break up over my CDing as I loved my wife and our children. We lived with DADT as my wife did not want to hear about my CDing anymore, much like Stephanie47's situation.

Through it all, I truly loved my wife and have since, lost her to cancer back in 2017. I put our relationship first and foremost as well as me being a good father to our children. I placed a lower priority to my CDing and was able to live at peace with it.

Danielle,
Thanks for being so honest with this thread , it is so hard to be as honest with our wives/partners .

I have to admit I got so tired of continually holding back on the truth or as you put it lying by omission , maybe I'm being a little cynical but do the lies ever stop completely ?

Although I'm now separated from my wife she has asked me to help out with the grandsons in the school half term break , I know it's hard on the boys but I feel I have to say I'm not available . I know it's going to wind the clock back and I will have to start to lie to her again , there many aspects she knows nothing about and I know she's attempting to mend bridges but I can only see it all blowing up in our faces again .

Congratulations Danielle. Sounds like your situation has improved with time and openness.

For Stephanie and others (including me until recently -currently single) some wives just do NOT want to know. Easier if they just ignore it, and hope it goes away. For them, I don't think omissions are lies, because they have expressed NOT WANTING TO KNOW. The trick that I struggled with is not taking that personally. For me, it felt like every time I had to deny myself or sneak around to dress, it was a condemnation or rejection of me. Over time that wears. For all of you that can shrug that off, good for you

All of these thoughtful responses confirms why joining this forum was one of the best things I have ever done to help reduce the stress and anxiety of having a Danielle side to my life. I am thankful everyday how accepting and supportive my wife has become. Our first big "talk" was many, many years ago and we have had lots more "talks" where we have established what and how much of Danielle she is comfortable with. I know she would not want me going out in public but that is a moot point as I really have no interest myself. Although the encouragement of many here for Danielle to be out and about is flattering. The only restriction Danielle has is that my wife does not care to see Danielle and I can live with that. After all, I have all of you here for feedback on Danielle's presentation and fashion sense.:)

Danielle used or uses a PO box.

Many years ago I had an affair with a (unhappily) married woman. This was pre-internet and we wrote letters to each other, using a PO box in a town some miles from where she lived. She told me that after a few months, with my letters being the only ones she received at that address, the thinly-veiled sniggers of the 2 women who worked at that post office told her that they had deduced what was going on.

Be warned, folks.

Used to have a PO Box. For several years now purchases have not been hidden and are delivered to our house. My wife will ask what it is but one of our agreements is she does not want to see me model the purchases, not even without a wig or makeup. For her, she is uncomfortable seeing that even with just the clothes I adopt a more feminine behaviour and posture. Fortunately, all of that disappears the 99% of the time I am my male self.

I told my wife about my dressing a little over two years ago, She freaked and asked if I had women's clothes, I said "few dresses" I couldn't get myself to tell her I had 80.
She didn't ask allot of questions, I think she was afraid of what I would say.
Over the last two years she found some hints I still dress but hasn't said anything. I do hate the sneaking around, but after 37 years of marriage I would hate to break up.
Boy it's hard to stop dressing. Can't I have my dress and wear it too?

Urging others or even suggesting they admit anything to their SOs will get you lambasted and looked down on here.
Same as they do when someone suggests just do it about going out in public.

Tracii,

If I understand your comment correctly I wholeheartedly agree. Each individual has to personally assess what crossdressing details they wish to tell their spouse about depending on their individual relationship. If you have a wife who has said for example if I ever found out you were crossdressing we are getting a divorce then if you chose to stay married you would probably keep everything secret. I hope it didn't come across I was preaching you have to be totally honest about everything with your spouse but I was simply relating my personal experience in revealing the last major secret about my crossdressing.

I too have read the comments here about if your wife truly loved you she would be totally accepting about going out enfemme , full body shaving etc. If only life were that simple. I don't agree with the statement it's your life and you should be able to do whatever you want. A true devoted relationship is based on give and take, not a take it or leave proposition.

Sorry, got on the Danielle soapbox there for a moment :2c:

"The truth"? Can ANYONE really handle the truth?:devil: